


The diary of Oh Sehun

by GabbyWritesStuff



Series: The diary of Oh Sehun [1]
Category: EXO (Band), NCT appearance, Red Velvet apperances, SHINee, SHINee appearances
Genre: Alternate Universe - High School, Angst, Coming of Age, Diary, Dorm Life - Freeform, Dubious Consent, Fluff, Gay, Gen, Homophobia, Homophobic Language, Internalized Homophobia, London, Love Triangle, Mentions of Smut, Other Pairings - Freeform, POV, Sebaek - Freeform, Secret Admirer, Sehun - Freeform, Slice of Life, Slow Burn, boys school, daily post, dorm room au, idk what this is yet, ill add tags as i go, sehun central, sekai - Freeform
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-12-25
Updated: 2019-01-12
Packaged: 2019-02-20 12:38:29
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Underage
Chapters: 335
Words: 146,558
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13146882
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/GabbyWritesStuff/pseuds/GabbyWritesStuff
Summary: Oh SehunYear /// TWOAilbhe houseRoom /// 88Please return without reading :)





	1. 25th December 2017

Dear diary,

Or journal? I don’t know how to start one of these. I got it for Christmas so it’s my first time writing down my thoughts, I mean I’ve done it before, but now I have a book and I don’t know I guess I’m just excited. Do I have to introduce myself to my own diary? Actually I think it would be cool to do that so I can look back and see I guess. 

Hi my name is Oh Sehun, I’m 16 and my birthday is the 12th of April. I’m currently 5’11ft but mother said I should get taller as I get older, and my hair is black. I currently have braces but they are on the back of my teeth, so I have a lisp kinda. Jongin says they are cool braces but they are painful. What else is there about me? Oh, I go to an all boys school in London. It’s a type of catholic school which takes mostly international students but the majority is from Korea or China. I like dancing, and my favourite number is 3, sometimes 5 or 7. I work in a restaurant close to my school part time. I guess there’s a lot of facts about me, I can’t think of what to write. But I want to write!!! I will try my hardest to write in detail so when I read back on this it’s like I’m seeing my life again. 

Today was Christmas Day, I got some presents in the mail because I couldn’t go home this year, something about my parents both working abroad so no one would be home. My mother bought me this, she wrote a note that said ‘be well my son, enjoy this present’, which was nice of her. I stuck the piece of paper into the back of this book so she’s always somewhere near me. My father had mailed me some new shoes which are nice, and my older brother sent me a letter and some new clothes. 

I ended up face timing Seyoung because it’s a bit lonely here at school, a lot of the people went home for Christmas break and it’s only me and a couple other unfortunate people who didn’t go home, or didn’t want to. We had a laugh but he needed to go to sleep and I didn’t want to keep him up. 

So now I am writing in this, it’s currently 1:48pm so that means it’s 10:48pm Korea, so two hours till Christmas is over. I’m hoping my parents call me before they sleep, it would be nice if I could talk to them on Christmas. 

Oh I forgot to say! I’m studying English, Philosophy, Ethics and Theatre studies to my fathers distaste (He thinks it’s a girly subject but I don’t really understand that). Everyone in my school has to study religion, so I have that at least twice a week. Christmas break ends on the 8th and lessons start again, so I have a week to myself because Jongin comes back on the 2nd of January, OH AND JONGIN IS MY ROOM MATE I DIDNT SAY. This is harder than I thought, I mean to record everything I want to say. Maybe I won’t have enough pages in this to say all I want. 

So yeah, that’s me. I don’t know how to finish this. It’s a bit cringey to finish it with my name, but maybe that’s how it should be.

Oh Sehun


	2. 26th December 2017

Dear diary,

For some really stupid reason, I offered to work today ugh. I got there at 11 and I forgot that holidays were busy days. As soon as I was there I was already serving food, making drinks and what not. It was fun though, I was working with Baekhyun today who is my favourite person to work with. 

Baekhyun also goes to my school, but we’re in different houses. Oh I need to explain the houses. So when I first came I thought it was sort of like Harry Potter, except there was no sorting hat or magic which sucked. Every student gets assigned a house (not by personality or whatever, just at random) and you dorm with people in your year In your house. Some people call it house, some people call it form, it’s confusing but it’s really fun. 

I’m in Corbinian, it’s the yellow team and our mascot is a bear because Corbinian is the Saint of bears. The other houses are Ulphia (green house and saint of frogs), Tantony (red house and saint of pigs) and lastly Ailbhe (blue house and saint of wolves). Normally the houses compete against each other but when when we team up it’s normally Corbinian/Ailbhe and Tantony/Ulphia. 

I got a bit off track but Baekhyun does go my school, we don’t see each other often as we do not have the same classes or house plus he is a year older than me, but we like to meet up at lunch with the rest of our friends. Working with Baekhyun is fun because it isn’t as stressful, and when we’re working we can talk to each other. 

We both finished at four so decided to do some shopping, even though both of us were in our work clothes and were very tired, but maybe that was just me. I got a new pair of jeans and a shirt in the sales, and Baekhyun must of bought a whole freakin new wardrobe because I ended up having to carry about 6 bags of his. He must have a bigger wardrobe than me because he’s a year older. 

Which leads me to the next topic!!! As I am a first year, I am on the bottom floor of the dorms because it’s first year first floor etc so we have small rooms, but NOT THE SECOND OR THIRD YEARS!! Baekhyun’s room is twice the size of mine and he actually has a nice bed and desk and wardrobe, and don’t even get me started on the third years. Well, I’ve only ever been inside one third years room and it was the captain of Corbinian’s room so it might’ve been even bigger than the others. So my aim is to be captain of Corbinian so I can have a big room all to myself. Don’t get me wrong!! Jongin is a cool room mate and all but I’d rather not have to share the room the size of a cupboard with him. At least we have a bathroom to ourselves. 

I hung out round Baekhyun’s till about half hour ago, and I only left because we have to be in our rooms by 10:30pm otherwise we get into trouble. So here I am, writing into this diary and listening to a playlist I found on Spotify called ‘top classical piano tracks’ and it’s very peaceful and calming, especially with the fairy lights that me and Jongin bought. 

Being in my room alone makes me miss Jongin, and also makes me realise how much time I spend with him and how ugly our room is. If I had to describe the colour, it’s an odd mix of white and yellow, like someone’s teeth after they haven’t been washed in some time. That was a weird description but I don’t know how else to explain it. I might ask tomorrow if we’re allowed to paint our walls, Baekhyun’s are blue but his house team is also blue. So maybe Jongin and I would be allowed to paint our walls yellow. 

I could surprise Jongin before he came home, I recon I could get some help from somewhere. I’m excited now hehe it gives me something to do while I wait for break to be over, minus work and school essays that I’m procrastinating about. 

It’s getting late now but I’m starting to enjoy writing in this diary, hopefully I keep it till I’m old and I can catch up on my own life with 16 year old me. Hi future me!!! Hope you are still hot and cool like you are now. Just kidding, I know I still will be hot and cool. WOW I NEED TO STOP I AM NOT FUNNY!!! Maybe I’m really tired and I’m just going a bit insane oops.

Anyway, I will write again tomorrow. 

Oh Sehun

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hiiii!!! Hope you guys like how it’s going


	3. 27th December 2017

Dear diary 

I’m super bored and lonely. Baekhyun wasn’t around and the only other one of my friends who didn’t go back home was Kyungsoo but he was working all day today. I only spoke to one person in real life today, and it made me sad. I don’t often like talking that much, I prefer listening and giving my word when it’s needed, unlike Chanyeol or jongdae who just speak for the fun of it. AND BAEKHYUN, oh my god he never shuts up. But I like it that way? Baekhyun has a nice voice, so he’s nice to listen to. Also Chanyeol, and Jongdae and Jongin. 

I don’t like my voice because of my lisp, but I know that isn’t a permanent problem, just a temporary one. It’s still annoying though, taking orders is hard because I have to repeat what they ordered to the chefs and I always find myself concentrating really hard on the letters my lisp catch but it always fails. FML. 

Jongin says he likes my lisp, he says it’s unique but it’s really not because other people have lisps too and I know some who find it just as annoying as I do. But I’m glad Jongin says it, it makes me a little more confident. Just a little. 

I started my English essay today, I’ve done a whole page. Out of 6. I am PISSED. How do you even write six pages about the emotion of one character. ONE? And it would be fine if it was multiple emotions but no, it’s one emotion. So one emotion, one character, SIX PAGES?? Something doesn’t add up to me. Either way though, I have to get it done, and my philosophy essay which is only 2 pages, and my theatre studies work which is 3 pages. 

I think I’m gonna start on my theatre studies essay once Zitao gets home so we can do it together. He’s in my drama class and the more heads the better. Wow that’s sounds bad. I mean like more knowledge can help us get the essays done more easily. 

I facetimed my family today, all separated calls though as my mum just landed in Japan, my dad is in Seoul and Seyoung is in America. My family are not often all together, both my parents travel a lot for business and as my brother and I scored scholarships or whatever into schools in other countries, my home in Seoul is normally empty. But talking to my family made me feel less lonely, but also very very lonely at the same time. 

For the first time in a while I felt homesick, it normally doesn’t phase me whatsoever but hanging up the calls on them and going back to listening to this band called ‘Atlas’ made the loneliness hit hard. 

I miss Jongin, the stupid dummy left me all on my own. It sounds weird as I think about it (and write it down) but I laid on his bed today because it reminded me of him and I felt a little less lonely. It’s only been six days since I saw him and I still have to wait another six but at least I’m half way there? Man I sound so sad I just miss my best friend is all. I’ve known him since I first joined this school and he was the first person I spoke to and my first friend. He’s very special to me. Wow it sounds like I’m confessing my love, which I am not.

SPEAKING OF JONGIN AND LONELY STUFF! I went to the school grounds office to ask about painting the walls (totally not to have a conversation with anyone) and the one of the SGO’s (we call them SGO’s because it’s long to say school grounds officer) and he said I’m allowed to paint the walls my house colour, and the secondary colour!! So that sets my colour pallet and I’m super excited to start. 

The main colour has to be yellow, and the secondary colour for our house team is brown because a bear is brown. Those two colours sound really ugly together but I’m thinking of doing a complete make over and pester Jongin for his half of the money when he gets back. I’m going to write down the plan in here for the room so I don’t forget.

Walls:  
mustard yellow? Or baby yellow like a pale yellow 

Furniture:  
because all of our furniture is brown, it makes sense to keep it. EXCEPT THE DESK CHAIRS BECAUSE THEY ARE BLACK. So I’m going to buy white ones with yellow pillows. 

Extra:  
I will buy us new bed covers, Jongin has power ranger covers and I have plain white ones. I’m thinking a brown colour?? Like a light brown, like Baekhyun’s hair colour.

A new lamp shade, maybe mustard yellow?? Or white 

I want new pillows so brown, white or yellow. 

 

I think that’s it. I’m gonna go out tomorrow and buy the paints and drag Kyungsoo or Baekhyun to help me paint. Or I’ll do it on my own. Once I’m done I’m going to take a picture and stick it inside of here so I can always remember the work I did over winter break. 

I also want a little cactus plant, for the aesthetic of course. I will get one for Jongin too even though he might kill but I will look after it for him. WAIT, can sunflowers grow inside? I want a yellow plant. If it doesn’t I will find another yellow plant, or buy fake ones haha. 

I think I’m gonna go now, I’m gonna start googling for inspiration pictures and prices on things. 

Goodbye diary !!

Oh Sehun 

Ps. Today I heard someone shout outside in the hallway “fuck me sideways and call me whore, where the fuck is my hockey stick?” And it made me laugh and gave me the idea to do a ‘quote of the day’ at the end of every entry. 

So

Quote of the day: “fuck me sideways and call me a whore, where the fuck is my hockey stick.”


	4. 28th December 2017

Dear diary,

WAHHHH SO MUCH HAPPENED TODAY I ALMOST SCRIBBLED ON THE PAGE WITH EXCITEMENT BUT I DIDN’T WANT TO RUIN THE PAGE. I will draw a little smile instead :) 

So today was busy and extra fun. I enjoyed it a lot because I didn’t feel lazy and unproductive. 

So I woke up at seven in the morning for some reason and decided to do something with my life. So I showered and got ready for the day. I went to the dance studio and practised for a while, luckily for me the school has a gymnastics/dance room with mirrors as it has a lot of money and the head teacher likes sports apparently. So anyways, I danced for a bit but got sweaty and gross so came back upstairs for a shower (2 showers!?!) and headed to work. 

I only worked for 4 hours because there was a lot of people working so I only needed to do short hours. Baekhyun and I left work at 3 and headed to a DIY store and bought some yellow paint (mustard yellow and it’s a really pretty colour), a gold (metal coloured gold) lampshade which I thought was really cool and inspired me to get lots of decorations which were metallic gold and lots of little bits which I’m gonna list. 

\- two new white desks because we will be able to take them to our new room next year  
\- Two white chairs which were flat pack so I had to built them  
\- 2 mustard yellow pillows for the chairs, 1 for my bed and another for jongin’s   
\- 2 brown pillows which are like Baekhyun’s hair colour for my bed and jongins   
\- 2 sets of white covers with Baekhyun-brown details (the details look like a maze and Baekhyun and I thought they were really cool)  
\- And lastly, BUT NOT LEAST, I found a cool set of plant pots which are the golden colour and inside I put fake yellow and hibiscus flowers inside of it. A hibiscus looks beautiful and I’m happy Baekhyun suggested them otherwise I would’ve never noticed them. The yellow ones have a red colour inside them and the white ones have a tinge of pink. They look realistic too!  
\- A couple painting tools 

Once Baekhyun and I got home after the struggle of bringing all of it home (we may or may not have ‘stolen’ a shopping cart and left it outside of the dorm entrance) we put it on my bed and started by pushing Jongins bed and desk away from the wall and painting his wall first. And the colour looked amazing? We managed to finish one wall by 6ish in the evening and Baekhyun said he was tired to went back to his own room (not before I thanked him a lot and ‘accidentally’ put some yellow paint on his nose) and I continued on my own. By 10 I had finished all four walls, and the two small walls which were by the door when you entered and the colour still looked amazing. 

Because I still felt extra motivated, I made the desks and put the old ones into the hallways with a sign on them that said ‘need a new home’ so I hope someone takes them. I did that with he black chairs too and by the time I had put them out into the hall someone had already taken one desk.

Once I had finished all the building, which wasn’t really building because I only needed a screw driver (which I borrowed from a SGO) and a lot of effort, I started with the detailed things. The walls were not dry yet when i started doing this so I didn’t bother putting on the new covers on the bed just in case they got paint on them. I did put the pillows on the chairs at the desk and put the ‘plants’ on the bed side table that Jongin and I shared. I also put the lamp shade on and put our old and dusty one in the bin.

It’s now two in the morning and I was able to push jongins bed back to the wall as it was completely dried, and I put the covers on his bed and the pillows and his side of the room looks really cool!! (The power ranger covers were folded and put on jongins side of the wardrobe) I’m sitting on my bed which is kind of chilling in the middle of the room because I don’t want to get my bed dirty. 

I feel like I done a lot today, and I’m happy I did it too because it looks amazing. I just can’t wait till my side of the wall is dry and the room will finally be finished because I’ll be able to push the bed back to the wall and hang the fairy lights back up on the wall. 

I’m super tired but I wanted to write before I forgot it all, so yeah. Tomorrow I’ll rest once I’ve finished the final touches. 

Quote of the day: “stop comparing my hair to the pillows and just fucking pick one”. (Baekhyun got angry because I couldn’t choose the right colour of pillow case and we had spent ten minutes deciding)

Oh Sehun


	5. 29th December 2017

Dear diary,

I am very very very very very very tired. I was going to rest today but now it’s 4 In the afternoon and Ive been working non-stop :(

I woke up and still felt motivated, and my wall was dry so I pushed my bed and desk to the wall and the room was ‘finished’, but it didn’t feel finished. To me, it felt like it was missing stuff and I felt a bit restless just leaving it how it was. 

So.... I ended up showering and leaving the house again for the DIY store (I took the shopping cart back) to pick some more things. I had spent £300 the day before which was only about a quarter of my wages as I saved a lot, so I let myself spend another £200. 

I ended up buying:

\- Two sets of metallic gold pencil holders for my desk and jongins desk so we didn’t have pens laying round anymore.   
\- These weird fairy lights which weren’t fairy light shaped but light bulb shaped? Like it was a line of light bulbs and they looked cool and they had gold ends so I bought them.  
\- A set of white curtains instead of our old ugly blind (we have one window between our bed so I didn’t have to buy loads of curtains haha)  
\- I found a brown bear which reminded me of Jongin so I bought one for my bed (he’s called Nini) and I bought a duckie stuffie because Jongin says sometimes I look like a duck which doesn’t make sense?? But I thought it was cute so I got it anyway (I got Baekhyun a puppy stuffy because I wanted to thank him)  
\- A big mirror which I put on the back of the front door so we can actually see ourselves fully instead of trying to jump and see our outfits for a second in the small bathroom mirror   
\- These candles called Yankee candles which smelt amazing. I think I went a bit candle crazy and bought seven which came to a certain amount of money I won’t even write down or I’ll faint. (I got salted caramel, thin mints, vanilla cupcake, cinnamon stick, apple cider, movie night which smells of popcorn and lastly black coconut) I won’t light them all at the same time, but I placed two on jongins desk, two on my desk and three on our window ledge. I’m happy they matched the room otherwise I would’ve thrown a tantrum and cried.  
\- Two photo frames and a printed picture of Jongin and I for Nini’s desk and a picture of Baekhyun and I for my desk. 

The shop sounds weird cause it sells weird things, even the name is weird. Baekhyun and I didn’t know how to pronounce it so we just called it the DIY store. 

When I got home I changed our old fairy lights for our new bulb lights (RIP fairy lights), I changed the pencil holders and somehow managed to get the curtains and the mirror up in one piece. Nini was placed on my bed and the duckie was placed on Jongin’s bed. (I left the puppy on my desk so I wouldn’t forget when Baekhyun came tomorrow), and the photos were put into the frames and onto the separate desks.

I chose the picture of me and Jongin on our first day in the dorm room, were both in our navy coloured uniforms and standing in the middle of the bedroom. I was holding the phone and we both did funny faces, Jongin stuck his tongue out to the side and faced his eyes in the other direction, and I did some weird face where my mouth was in a ‘o’ shape and my eyes were rolled facing upwards. This picture is one of my favourites of Jongin and I, because it is our first picture together and it marks the start of our friendship. 

The picture I chose for Baekhyun and I was when everyone from school (there’s only 150 of us so we’re a small school) had to do a cross country race where the houses had to go against each other. On the way there all four houses got on their own buses on the way to the park/forest/field we were running at, and we were singing our team chants and had face paint on and our team kits (ours is white and whatever house you are in is the colour of the sleeves and shorts) and we did the race and it was really fun and obviously Corbinian won (go bears) and we were all covered in mud (wow this is a really long sentence) and I think it was one of the best days of my life so far. 

On the way home Corbinian/Ailbhe And Ulphia/Tantony shared coaches on the way home so I sat next to Baekhyun. Both of us were really tired and we ended up falling asleep, in the picture Baekhyun’s head is on my shoulder and my head is on his. I think Jongin took the picture, I can’t remember funny enough because I was sleeping. But this picture reminds me of my favourite day and one of my favourite people.

(Got a bit off track)

Once I was done I stepped into the little hallway part and looked Into the room, and honestly I was surprised I was able to do it? It looked straight out from an ikea advert and as the sunset came through the window It’s weird to say I was breath taken. It was weird? But I guess the hard work paid off because the room looks amazing, I can’t wait for everyone to see!!

Baek will see it tomorrow and Jongin will see it in 5 days, I might invite Kyungsoo over just so I can show of my sexy room haha. Why not boast when I’ve spent forever making this place look awesome?

I’m sitting on my bed and the sun is still going down, it makes the walls look like they are on fire and I think it looks awesome, I can already tell Jongin is going to like it. The new covers are hella soft too so life just keeps getting better. 

I’m going to focus on my essays so I’m going to finish this now, when I have time I am going to stick a picture in here of the room.

Quote of the day: “당신의 한숨 그 깊일 이해할 순 없겠지만, 괜찮아요 내가 안아줄게요, 정말 수고했어요”, I wanted to translate it into English and have it on my English folder but the literal translation is “I cannot understand your sigh. it’s okay. I’ll hold you. I really did it” but it means something along the lines of ‘Though I can’t understand your breath, It’s alright I’ll hold you, You really did a good job’. It’s from a song that I like at the moment called Breathe sung by Lee Hi and it’s a really nice song. 

Oh Sehun

Ps. I never wrote this but I think it makes sense for me to write my diary in English because I need to practise writing in English and forming proper sentences. That’s why it takes some time for me to write my diary.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I wish I was rich like Sehun


	6. 30th December 2017

Dear diary

So.... Baekhyun really liked the room??? He said he wants to move in and I told him he couldn’t because our room is small already and I know for sure there is not enough space for Baekhyun’s clothes in my room. 

Today the both of us had a lazy day, lazy as in we laid on my bed and binge watched this series called ‘While you were sleeping’ and we somehow managed to finish it?? And because we finished quite late Baekhyun ended up falling asleep on my bed (more like on me because as I’m writing this I’m using his head as a table haha. I’m sitting up with my back against the wall and he has fallen asleep across my lap.) 

But today was fun, I must admit I did cry in the last episode and I’m not gonna write spoilers just in case future me wants to rewatch. Baekhyun cried four times and it was funny but cute somehow. I think I only know three people who cry cutely, and that’s Baekhyun, Jongin and Chanyeol. Whereas I am a mess because my face is all red and I probably have a runny nose. 

Speaking of Baekhyun being cute in the least gay way at all because I AM NOT GAY!! Today while we were watching an episode I couldn’t stop looking at his lips? Like, I missed about 10 minutes of the show because Baekhyun’s lips kept distracting me. I’m not gay, but something kept happening to maybe distract me from watching my laptop. I think Baekhyun even noticed too which is really embarrassing because I don’t want him to think I’m gay because IM NOT! 

I’ve got nothing against gay people honestly, I just know I am attracted to girls!!! Not that I’ve ever been attracted to a particular girl. But I know I like girls, definitely!!! Wow even as I’m writing this it doesn’t sound convincing. I’m pretty sure my philosophy tutor (Zhang Yixing who’s in Baekhyun’s year) is gay, I’m fine with that! I think he’s really cool and he’s awesome, sometimes I wish we were more than just tutor and student. WOW THIS IS REALLY PROVING MY POINT. 

I know I’m not gay and I’m not gonna write anymore because I just realised I was pressing really hard on Baek’s head and now I feel bad. I think I’m gonna move his head and move him so he’s laying more comfortably, and I’ll sleep on Jongin’s bed. 

Quote of the day: “I’d say that she gets under your skin as soon as you meets her. She drives you so nuts you don’t know wether to hug her or just really arm wrestle her” (from while you were sleeping.) (this reminds me of Baekhyun because sometimes I find him annoying and I want to flick his face, but sometimes I want to protect him and make sure he’s okay even though he is older than me.)

Oh Sehun


	7. 31st December 2017

Dear diary,

That will be the last time I write in this this year, how cool!! 

Today I am writing at 10:31pm because I have plans tonight with Kyungsoo and Baekhyun and as I’m writing this they are sitting on Jongin’s bed talking about ‘how the world is ending as we speak’. 

To conclude yesterday’s story, I tried to move Baekhyun but he sleeps like a log so the furthest I got him was off my legs. And I couldn’t climb over him so I laid as close to the wall as I could before I fell asleep. Which didn’t work, Because when I woke up Baekhyun was laying on my chest and I couldn’t see anything except from his hair and for some reason it smelt like strawberries. 

I felt bad for waking him up so I waited till he did (I played on my phone) and I laughed at him when he woke up because he was really confused and his hair was in his face. Eventually Baekkie left and I showered and got ready for today because Kyungsoo and I were going to hang out. 

Kyungsoo is in Ulphia but we get to hang out a lot because he’s in my English class!! And he’s very good at English too. (I’m very jealous because I am somewhat okay at writing it, but my pronunciation and structure is not good). Kyungsoo and I headed into town to grab some food supplies for our little party tonight between us two and Baekhyun, I got something called bean boozled which is where the jelly beans could taste like something really nice or gross, so it could be sick or tutti fruiti. 

Once we got home Baekhyun was already in my room? And he was just chilling on MY laptop and I thought he would find the poems I had written or the photos I had taken on the photo booth but luckily he was just watching YouTube videos. 

All three of us played bean boozled and it was the funniest thing I had ever witnessed. Kyungsoo seemed okay to manage the gross tasting ones, but Baekhyun managed to throw up (I almost killed him) but luckily he just about made it to the toilet. Something tells me he doesn’t like dog food haha. 

After we finished playing that and Baekhyun felt better, we put some music on and just spoke about random things. It was nice because I felt happy and I was surrounded by my friends. It would’ve been nicer if Jongin was here and the rest of our friends but I don’t think all 6 of us would’ve fit into our room. My friends consist of Jongin, Baekhyun, Kyungsoo, Chanyeol and Zitao; but Jongin, Chanyeol and Zitao had gone home to their Home Counties whereas the other three of us had stayed home. 

I’m sitting right now with my back against the wall in my bright yellow room and I’m almost feeling content, were listening to happy music and now Baekhyun is sitting next to me after moving from Jongin’s (or on me because his head is on my lap again and he scrolls through some website on MY laptop ugh) and Kyungsoo is sitting on the other side reading a book he found on the shelf above my desk. It’s very nice to have company, especially these two. 

I’d like to think I can continue being friends with my other friends and these two till the day I die, because that means I will never be unhappy because they will always be by my side. 

 

BUT YES!!! 2018 is in less than 2 hours and I finally thought of my New Years resolutions:

1\. To stop procrastinating and do tasks that are given to me as soon as I can.  
2\. Grow my hair out a bit longer so it’s long again.  
3\. Start working out haha.   
4\. Find a girlfriend.  
5\. Buy cool clothes and be cool. 

I think they are pretty easy resolutions to have, but sticking to them might be hard!!

Anyway, I want to spend the rest of my night with my friends so I will stop writing now. Plus, Baekhyun has been trying to read what I’m writing for the last few minutes so I should stop now. Baekhyun smells haha. I will write again in 2018!!!

 

Quote of the day: “eat your sports candy, bitch”, said by Baekhyun after throwing an apple at me and claiming he was quoting Sportacus from lazy town.

Oh Sehun

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope everyone has/has a happy new year!!
> 
> Also I hope you continue reading my fics next year too!!


	8. 1st January 2018

Dear diary

HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!

Today starts the new year and I think started very well! After last night the room was a bit off a mess, so when Kyungsoo and Baekhyun woke up and left the rooms I decided to do a deep clean and throw old things away. And I found a lot of things while doing so?

I found the keychain that Junmyeon bought for all of the new first years and it’s a wood carving of a bear. Junmyeon is the head of Corbinian, (all of the house captains are in their last year which is third year) so like the team captain and he is such a cool person? Well, cool as someone can be when they crack dad jokes every 10 seconds and have to wear a bear mascot costume whenever there is a competition. Either way, he’s a very nice person, and once a week he knocks on our doors and checks if all of us are okay and if we need help with anything. 

Well, he’s nice with us anyway. 

Whenever there is a house competition, for instance the hockey game all four houses took part in, He was very.... competitive? All four house captains are competitive though. At the end when Ulphia came last and Tantony came 3rd with one point extra they literally got into a fight in front of the whole school haha. It wasn’t serious though, just competitiveness. 

REALLY OFF TRACK HAHA. 

I also found three lost socks, one of them was Jongins so I once I had took them to the laundry room and washed all of the washing, I put that sock in his draw. 

Jongin comes back tomorrow and I’m so so so so excited, he’s been gone forever and it’s been weird not having him around after spending every day together since the end of August. So four months? 

I want the room tidy for him when he comes home so that’s what I spent most of today doing, I just hope he likes the new room haha, other wise (I will cry). I’ve been counting down the hours since Baek and Kyungsoo left till Jongin comes home because I like him by my side, I feel lonely otherwise even though I just had company. When I’m alone, I feel lonely, As if it’s just me and me only and I can’t do anything to reach out to anyone and like it’s just me on the world. It sounds stupid as i write this and maybe I just have a bad case of clingyness but it makes sense in my head, but I can’t manage to write it out. 

I didn’t want to write down any of my ‘dark thoughts’ because I hope when I get older I have found a way to figure those things out and can really be happy. Because most of the time I feel just okay, sometimes I feel super happy and overwhelmed with emotions, and other times I feel at my lowest and alone and afraid. 

And When it comes to me, I don’t know what to describe my sadness. I act as if there’s someone always watching so I am always acting happy, I always feel like I’m acting. Even when I lie in bed alone I act happy as if there’s a camera in my room because I’m scared of being alone and scared and sad. I sometimes pretend there’s people with me too, people that bring me comfort and I pretend that they care for me. This week when I’ve been alone it’s normally Jongin or Baekhyun, sometimes even Kyungsoo. It sounds stupid and somewhat insane as I weird this down, but it’s comforting even though it’s not real. 

But tomorrow!! Jongin comes home and I will be happy, because my best friend would’ve come home. I hope he just wants to stay inside all day and we can watch movies and relax and catch up. Also I hope he got some more boxers for Christmas so he can STOP BORROWING MINE. Oh my god. 

I think I’m going to carry on cleaning now, but I wanted to write and have a break and listen to this new song I found called ‘Slip’ by Elliot moss. I really like it and it’s quite calming. 

Anyway, I’ll write tomorrow. Hopefully I can bring good news about Jongin and not so sad news about myself, this is the first time I’ve really thought about myself out loud (or written down atleast) and not in my head, and I feel a bit better about how I feel. 

BYE BYEEEE

Quote of the day: “Baekhyun move your ugly face away from mine before I slap you back into your own dorm room”, Said from a very tired Kyungsoo when Baekhyun was trying to wake him up by blowing on him and very close to his face. 

Oh Sehun


	9. 2nd January 2018

Dear diary,

I had a really good day today, and if you could guess (you can’t because you’re a book) you would say ‘is it because of Jongin?’ And I would proudly say YES!

I woke up because I heard a knocking on the door, and at first I was annoyed because it was 5am and who would be knocking at 5am? And then it made sense because jongins flight was early and only Jongin could loose his own keys. 

I went to the door and I was right, Jongin was there!!! And he was smiling and I didn’t realise how much I missed him because I kind of rugby tackled him into a hug and we fell onto the floor and were giggling and god I think he’s grown in the space of the time he was gone? 

We went back into the room and I told Jongin to rest, so he did and he promised we would catch up once he had woken up, but I was too excited to sleep so I had a quiet shower (so no music or singing, just a normal shower which was boring). About 2 hours later Jongin woke up and he looked really shocked and I asked what was up and he said he was amazed by the room. 

He took a couple minutes to look round the room and then he jumped onto my bed and hugged me again and said thank you, so I’m glad my hard work paid off. We ended up laying down on my bed and just catching up on life. Over jongins Christmas break he met up with his family and celebrated Christmas well, and he got a lot of presents!! And even got one for me too?

(He didn’t get any boxers :( ) 

We didn’t know what to do today but we both knew we wanted to stay indoors and avoid the rain, so we settled for watching a movie called ‘The 5th wave’ and it was super good. It was about these things called ‘others’ trying to take over the world but plot twist the humans are just as bad. Jongin seemed to really like the movie too, so I was happy I picked this movie. 

After that we ordered some food (Jongin chose chinese and paid thank god) and we ate in our room and over all the day was really relaxing and peaceful. 

OH I FORGOT TO SAY!!! Jongin got me lots of stationary things because he knows about my little obsession with pens and highlighters uh oh. Jongin got me the pastel highlighters and some cute runners in shapes of bears and bunnies which I thought was nice. 

Jongin said he was tired so I told him to rest some more, so he fell asleep holding the duckie which he named Hunnie. Oh and Baekhyun liked his dog and named it Baekkie after himself because obviously that’s something that he would do. 

So over all, today was a good day and I have my roomie back. I think Baekhyun, Jongin and I are going to do something tomorrow but I’m not sure, so I’ll update you tomorrow when we’ve hung out.

Haha I write ‘you’ like you’re an actual thing which is weird, because in some sense I am writing to ‘you’ but you don’t even exist as a living form because you’re just a book after all. You’re a nice book though hehe.

Quote of the day: “hmmm cold” said by Jongin just now who is laying on top of his covers (dummy) so I’m gonna put them over him.

Bye bye!

Oh Sehun

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I bought myself my own journal yesterday becuase I like writing sehuns so much haha


	10. 3rd January 2018

Dear diary,

Today. Was. Painful. 

I was meant to be hanging round with Jongin and Baekhyun today but I completely forgot I had an orthodontist (I think that’s how you spell it) appointment to get my braces tightened so I had to miss out on prime FRIEND TIME UGH. 

My teeth ache too because whenever I get them tightened it hurts a lot, but Jongin and Baekhyun were nice and got me some ice cream and soup. And my lisp has increased too, but only for a little while. Jongin seems to like my lisp because whenever I need to talk and my lisp catches on some of the words he laughs and calls me cute and it gets me frustrated because Baekhyun says I blush and I don’t!!! I get angry and my face goes red. So after it happened for the third time I stopped speaking and started on one of my essays. 

Baekhyun and Jongin tried to distract me but I wasn’t in the mood so they sat on Jongin’s bed and watched something on Netflix. Obviously I wanted to join in but I couldn’t because I had to do work, and it was annoying because I had to listen to them laugh and giggle with each other and joke around and I couldn’t join in. Plus they were really touchy-feely today because Baekhyun was laying on Jongin’s shoulder and I thought that was something he only done with me, it seems I’m very easily replaceable haha. 

Baekhyun left around about 10 because he wanted to get ready to sleep and for work tomorrow and Jongin tried to annoy me again and he sat down on my bed and started playing with my hair. It was somewhat calming but I still wanted to concentrate so I continued with my work. Then the little shit had the audacity to sleep, on my bed, while trying to annoy me. 

So as I’m writing this his forehead is somewhat balancing on my shoulder and his arms are dangling around my chest and ones in my hair. It’s a bit uncomfortable but I don’t know how to move so I guess I’m gonna have to stop writing and figure this out. 

Bye bye!

Quote of the day: “I am the most handsome man in the world” said by Baekhyun, then a moment later once Jongin walked in the room after going to grab more food and he said “I am the second most handsome man in the world” and I was like IM RIGHT HERE? Not that I wanted to be complimented or anything I was there and I don’t know what I’m trying to say. 

Oh Sehun


	11. 4th January 2018

4th January 2018

Dear diary,

Today wasn’t awfully interesting, I went to work from 12-9 which meant waking up at 9am, getting ready and leaving for work. I was with Baekhyun so it was fun but it wasn’t much different from when Baekhyun and I normal work together. Once we left at 9:15 (after forgetting to sweep and mop so having to stay later) and headed home, or back to our dorm rooms. Baekhyun dropped me off at my room and told me to rest well so I think he likes me more than Jongin again ahah. 

Not that it was ever a competition!! I just always thought he liked me more than Jongin so yeah, I guess I got a little jealous. But only because my two best friends were being best friends without me!!

Anyway, when I got home Jongin was up still doing essays due, so I decided to get some revenge and disturb my best friend. At first it seemed a bit weird to straddle my best friends legs and almost sit on his laptop, but I got the reaction I wanted because he was like “WHAT ARE YOU DOING HUNNIE??” And he looked confused and then I poked him in the stomach where I know he is ticklish. This lead to us having a little tickle fight and us falling onto the the floor (Jongin on top of me) and for a moment it got really weird. 

We were really close together and his face was like two inches from mine (I could literally feel his breath on my lips) and we were both out of breath and neither of us moved for a couple seconds. I was shocked because I’d never been this conscience of being this close to Jongin before, like sure we’ve been that close but I’ve never thought at the time “wow we were really close.” So we stayed that close for about 10 seconds, then were was a knock on the door and I could’ve sworn I saw Jongin blush, does this mean I blushed too? I hope not otherwise I don’t know what Jongin will think. 

We both kinda shot up and we banged heads and Jongin ran to the door so we weren’t as close anymore (it was Tao asking for me to ask if we could hang out tomorrow to do our theatre studies essay). And then when Jongin went back to his bed I realised that it was awkward and I didn’t want it to be, so the best thing I thought of was telling him that his breath smelt bad (it didn’t) and we both started laughing. 

And even though it was late Jongin asked if we wanted to watch a movie, because we only have a few more days left before we start going back to normal school routine and we should use these nights of staying up late to the best we can. So Jongin came to my bed and we watched a movie on Netflix, it was ‘now you see me’ which was a movie about magicians and stuff and I didn’t really understand the whole point of the movie but it was good because the tricks were good!! Also Jongin really liked it so it was good. 

I think things are back to normal with Jongin and I, He leant on my shoulder this evening though. If it was a normal night (not like when he came home or where something has happened) Jongin normally puts his head on my chest in some way. So I hope things aren’t any different because he is my best friend and I don’t want things to change. 

This day sounded really gay, which I’m not!! Future me will understand when he reads through this and laughs because he has a smoking HOT girlfriend. 

Anyway, I should go because it’s late and I want to turn off the light so Jongin can sleep better. 

Quote of the day: (an actual conversation I had today)  
“Did you enjoy your meal?”  
“Yes everything was great except one thing.”  
“I’m sorry to hear that, what was it?”  
“the bean burger didn’t have meat in it”  
(The bean burger is our vegetarian option at my work)  
“Because it’s made out of beans, it’s the vegetarian option.”  
“I thought it would be a burger with beans on top”

I was amazed by this customer by the way, my whole life has changed because the man ordered a bean burger and didn’t understand it was the vegetarian option. 

Till tomorrow,

Oh Sehun


	12. 5th January 2018

Dear diary,

My brain hurts ugh

Today was an essay day :(

I met up with Tao at 3 to do the theatre studies essay but before that I showered and did my ethics work which was kind of painful. 

So nothing happened today really apart from me and Tao doing our work and talking about our breaks after. When I got back to my room Jongin was already asleep so I didn’t want to bother him. 

But since last night I can’t stop thinking about what happened with Jongin and... I think because it’s the first time we both thought about being close it’s made me think about our friendship a lot. Ever since we’ve been friends it’s been very...im trying to think of the word where it means something like touchy feely but I can’t remember it. That is us, it’s always been sharing the beds on nights when there is thunder, or hugging or anything like that. 

I’d say me and Baekhyun are the same but there’s a difference in someways, which I have no idea how to explain. But yeah, Jongins sleeping now and I keep finding myself pausing writing and looking at him. He looks stupid, that’s why. 

Right now he’s laying on top of the covers like he always does, he’s in a star shape except it looks like he’s dabbing and in the bent arm Hunnie is pressed against his face. You can just about see his face and he’s pouting which is cute. Cute in a Jongin way, so not in a gay way. Because I can call Jongin cute because he’s my best friend and that’s what best friends do, I even do it with Baekhyun sometimes. 

There’s only two days left before we go back to school schedule, which I’m NOT excited about. I like the school holidays because: 

\- I can work longer hours so I can get more money  
\- More time to hang round with my friends  
\- Not as much school work  
\- No lessons  
\- Opportunities to see my family  
\- Sleeping in late  
\- And everything else amazing about holidays. 

I don’t want to go back to school because I know for a fact I don’t know anything for my ethics test on Monday ughh. I’m pretty sure the rest of the class doesn’t know either, Jongin is in my class and he said he knows nothing too. 

So we can all fail together!

I’m gonna stop writing because I don’t like writing when Jongin is sleeping as the light could wake him up. 

Quote of the day: “wait we have our exam in May?”, said by Tao when he thought our exam was in 2019, when its in 5 months time. 

Till tomorrow,

Oh Sehun.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I’m sorry it’s a bit late tonight!! Normally I try to post for 10PM British time haha


	13. 6th January 2018

6th January 2018

Dear diary

Second last day of freedom (I think I’m going to cry.) 

I had work from 5-9 with Baekhyun, so baekkie and I spent the whole day together. Baekhyun said he needed to buy more stationary and I can never resist stationary shopping, so we got on the train to a big shopping centre and spent money (I didn’t feel so bad about spending money because I got paid today.) Baekhyun bought us lunch and it was really good, who knew chicken burgers could be so good??? 

That sounds like I’ve never had a chicken burger before, but this place does it the best. They sell different types of spicy chicken and the mildest one is still spicy. I had a somewhat spicy chicken burger and chips, and Baekhyun had a chicken wrap with the mildest of the mild spice. Very Baekhyun. 

Once we finished shopping we headed to work and on the train would you believe... Baekhyun got flirted with!!! By a boy!!! And he was fine with it!!! So we both were standing innocently on the train and a guy about our age who was about my height complimented Baekhyun and he was all flustered and they started talking. Whilst I was there.... thanks Baekhyun. It’s not that I mind if Baekhyun was having fun but he completely left me out!!! It was like I wasn’t even there and god he kept giggling I was about to punch him in the boob. 

If Baekhyun was gay I wouldn’t mind, but I know he’s not because he said he dated this girl called Taeyeon before, and they broke up because Baekhyun joined this school and couldn’t handle a long distanced relationship. So knowing this, it confused me why Baekhyun was so into this guy (who looked like me, we both had black hair and he was tall. Except he wasn’t even anything close to Asian and I’m Korean = Asian.) 

And when we got off the train Baekhyun wouldn’t stop smiling and I know it wasn’t because of me which kind of hurt? I don’t know I like to make Baekhyun laugh and smile so I wish it was me who did that. NOT FLIRTED WITH HIM!!! I’m straight but now I’m questioning if Baekhyun is. Maybe he is bisexual? I think that’s when you like boys and girls. 

Anyway, we got to work and I started to ignore Baekhyun to see if he noticed that I wanted to be his best friend again and make him laugh... and he noticed straight away!!! When we were in the kitchen cleaning up he squeezed my cheek and told me to cheer up because I’m still his best friend and I shouldn’t get jealous. I tried to tell him I wasn’t jealous but he didn’t believe me. 

Then after work we headed back to our dorms and Baekhyun walked me to my room again and he asked if he could stay over, so I said sure. But when I tried to go inside he stopped me and he looked really serious, and he was holding onto my hand and looking straight in the eyes which made me worry but made me hold my breath?

And then he said (exact words because I still don’t understand them) “even when I’m looking at other people, you are my number one. So don’t forget that. Don’t forget I’m your number one too!” And then he walked passed me into the room and jumped on Jongin and woke him up. 

All three of us ended up watched a movie on the floor and I was sandwiched in the middle and once the movie was over Jongin went back to sleep, and Baekhyun and I went to my bed and the plan was to sleep top and tail (one person sleeping at one end and the other person at the other end of the bed) but he fell asleep on me while he was waiting for me to finish writing I’m my diary. 

He was playing on his phone then the next thing he was laying on half of my body. Silly Baekhyun. 

I’m gonna sleep so quote of the day: “even when I’m looking at other people, you are my number one. So don’t forget that. Don’t forget I’m your number one too!”

Till tomorrow, 

Oh Sehun.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I feel like no one checks these notes haha
> 
> Do u guys prefer Sehun and Jongin, or Sehun and Baekhyun, orrrrrr Sehun, Jongin and Baekhyun!?!


	14. 7th January 2018

7th January 2018

Dear diary,

I always feel like I loose hours, or that time changes in unequal paces at weird times. To me it feels like it’s still Christmas eve, not as in the spirit or the general Christmas feel, but instead the time frame. It’s been two weeks? Or something like that. Time moves too fast and I don’t know if it’s my head not thinking properly and spacing out and loosing time, or if time just goes faster than I thought. 

This morning I woke up and Baekhyun was still in my bed and still laying on top of me, and once again time slipped by as I just laid and watched him sleep. It sounds creepy but it’s different to see Baekhyun so serene and unmoving. Even when he breathed in and out little parts of his fringe would flick up and down. 

So as I said, time slipped by and I spent a whole 40 minutes just watching him rest, I don’t know how I managed it. I didn’t even move, i only just laid there. 

God what was up with me?

Today was the last day of the holidays which is the worst news of my life because I don’t wanna go back to school. Ever. Never. I’ve managed to finish all my essays and work today, and I’ve even done some revision of ethics and other subjects so I’m ready when we go back to school haha. 

My bag is all packed too!! and I’ve been wondering if I should take all my new stationary in my pencil case and this journal? Actually i won’t take my new things or this because i sit next to too many thieves and my journal could easily be read. 

I’m gonna head to bed now so I can get rested well for hell- I mean school. 

Sorry for the shortness journal!! Not that you care because you’re not alive. 

Quote of the day: “heavens knows what you’ve been through”, it doesn’t have any meaning but I saw Chanyeol’s Instagram post and that was the caption even though it had no coloration to the picture. 

Till tomorrow,

Oh Sehun

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I got so much feedback in the last entry omg!!!
> 
> Thank you for everyone who commented it really brightened my day up!! 
> 
> If you could pick a house to be in which one would it be?
> 
> Ulphia (Green): The frog house  
> Head of house is Yifan, and Kyungsoo and Chanyeol are in this house!!
> 
> Tantony (Red): The pig house   
> Head of house is Luhan, and Jongdae and Yixing are in this house!!
> 
> Ailbhe (Blue): The wolf house   
> Head of house is Minseok, and Zitao and Baekhyun are in this house!!
> 
> Corbinian (Yellow): The bear house  
> Head of house is Junmyeon, and Sehun and Jongin are in this house!!
> 
> I would be in Corbinian or Ailbhe haha


	15. 8th January 2018

8th January 2018

Dear diary,

Ugh  
No  
Why?

School started again today. 

I’m gonna write down my schedule for school today and then talk about my day so it makes some sense:

7AM: wake up and get ready for school  
8:30AM: be in our form classes to get registered in school   
9AM: ethics test  
(Lesson ends at 10AM and then I have free time)  
11AM: English   
(Lesson ends at 12AM and I have no lessons after this)

So I woke up (and woke up Jongin) at 7 to get ready, which consists of showering, getting my uniform on, putting my books in my bag and brushing my teeth and hair. And other stuff of course but those are the ones I remembered. My hair wasn’t working this morning and there was ONE chunk of hair sticking up and it was so annoying. Jongin thought it was funny but his hair was pointing in every direction so, he was worse than me. 

I couldn’t find my tie for ages too, my uniform inform is basically a navy suit and on our blazer pocket it has the schools logo, and the same with the tie. Our shirt is white and we are allowed to wear black or navy jumpers, or sweaters I don’t know what they are called. I couldn’t find my school shoes so I borrowed Jongin’s all black converse so I didn’t get in trouble. 

As soon as we were both ready we had to run to school from the dorms which isn’t that far but we weren’t late!! We just made it luckily. It was nice to see everyone in class because even though we live in the same place most people had left the dorms for the holidays. 

And then ethics.... that test was okay? I didn’t find it too hard but I still found it difficult. We’re gonna get our results tomorrow so I hope I did well.

During my free time between my first lesson and English I met up with my group, Jongin and I headed together to our normal area where we normally hang out (which is the dance studio because no one else uses it except me, Jongin and this boy called Jimin who is very nice!!). When we got there Chanyeol and Baekhyun were already there, and once we arrived Kyungsoo and Tao came shortly after.

It felt nice having all my friends round, it had been forever since we had all been together so let’s just say I was super happy!! 

We spent an hour together just catching up, then me and Kyungsoo left to head to English and I got to see my favourite teacher!! His name is Mr. Kim but he lets us call him Heechul. Heechul is really chilled and he’s a very good teacher too, he teaches poetry to us and he made it my favourite subject. Kyungsoo likes him too but I think he likes our drama teacher the most. 

After the lesson was over I went back to the dance room and practised for a while. I wanted to write about dance but I don’t even know how to describe it. Dance means so much to me, it’s like it’s my peace. Every time I dance I don’t think about anything, it clears my mind and it makes me want to dance till I’m laying on the floor out of breath. I did that today and even when I was laying on the floor I didn’t think too heavily.

Jongin came soon enough and helped me up off the floor, then I watched him dance for a bit and after that we headed back to our room and did some work. 

I’m really tired because I just finished all my work, so I’m gonna head to bed!!!

Goodnight dairy

Quote of the day: “how did that (the ethics test) go for you?” Said by me 

“Honestly, I think I just leave school now and not waste any more money”, said by Jongin 

Till tomorrow,

Oh Sehun


	16. 9th January 2018

9th December 2018

Dear diary,

Today I had drama, philosophy and ethics but nothing really happened in those lessons. But god, a lot happened after. 

Jongin and I had ethics last so we headed back to our room together, and he seemed really down for some reason and he wasn’t talking to me, he even had his head down and was pouting so I held onto his hand and walked him back because I didn’t want him to walk into anything. 

When we got to the door I was unlocking it and then I felt a bump on my back and I was going to turn round and I realised it was Jongin leaning his head on the top half of my back. I asked him what was wrong and he didn’t answer so I continued to open the door and once it was open I found his hand again and walked him into the room. And as soon as the door was shut Jongin was holding onto my waist (really tightly) and was hugging me from behind. 

I knew something must’ve been really wrong because this was the first time he had done this before and hadn’t said anything. 

So once again I asked what was wrong, I didn’t really know what else to do except put my hands on his so he knew I cared. I felt his head shake against my back, when Jongin gets sad or worried or upset he kind of acts like a child, he always pouts and ignores people and it can be cute and all but it doesn’t solve anything. 

Somehow I managed to twist round and hug him back and I felt him sigh because he breathed heavily on my neck and I just wanted to know who hurt my Jongin so I could fiGHT THEM. Wow I wrote ‘my jongin’ like he’s my boyfriend, he’s not!! He’s my best friend. 

I thought that I should try to distract him so he didn’t have to think about what is upsetting him anymore, so I asked him if he wanted to watch a movie (the only thing we ever do anymore) and he nodded. We headed to my bed and I got my laptop, Jongin laid half on my shoulder and half on my chest, I could tell he wasn’t going to watch it because his head was facing towards my neck and I think all he needed was a hug. 

We, or I, watched a movie called ‘spy’ which was funny, i wish Jongin laughed because I think it would’ve cheered him up!! But half hour in he was already sleeping on top of me. I turned it down after he fell asleep because I wanted him to rest so once he woke up he would be rested enough to tell me what is wrong. 

Once the movie was over I moved to put my MacBook down and then I accidentally woke him up, and I said sorry obviously but he replied with “Can we stay like this a bit longer?” So I said yeah because I wanted to make him happy again. 

So I ended up kind of cuddling Jongin in my bed where his head was originally on my chest, he was then full on laying on top of me. So his head was in the space between my shoulder and neck, and pretty much the rest of his body was on top of mine. I had my arms round his waist because I wanted him to know I was there for him. 

After a while he started crying, and I felt awful because I didn’t know what to do, I just kept patting his back and telling him it’s okay and that I was there for him, but every time I said that he cried more. This happened for about 10 minutes and I couldn’t handle my best friend hurting anymore so I managed to move his head off my shoulder and sit him up slightly so he was holding his head in his arms on my chest. 

I wiped his tears because his face was red and told him to breathe. He started to calm down and I pushed his fringe out the way to see if he had a temperature, he was hot but I think it’s because he was crying. 

I told him to tell me what’s wrong because I wanted to help and he pouted and something like “if I tell you, you won’t like me anymore.” And I laughed jokingly but In a nice way and told him I could never hate him because he’s my best friend. He didn’t change though because he was still serious, so I told him to tell me what’s wrong, he even made me pinky promise that I wouldn’t tell anyone. 

Then... he told me something I never expected. 

Jongin didn’t make eye contact as he told me that he didn’t know if he liked girls. It was a shock at first but I didn’t want to be selfish and make it about me, it was my responsibility to comfort my best friend. 

I smiled at him and told him that it’s okay, and he was being silly because I could never hate him again. He asked if I was being serious and I laughed at him and said yes, because even if Jongin didn’t like girls he would still be my best friend, because I’m not a girl and the news didn’t need to affect me at all. 

He sat up and it looked funny because he was straddling me and I was leaning back on my arms? He told me that he was thankful to have a friend like me and he was scared to tell me. So I made him pinky promise that we should tell everything to each other so we have each other’s backs AT ALL TIMES!!!! 

Jongin said he wanted to hug for a bit more because he was scared he wasn’t going to have me as a best friend anymore so obviously I said yes. Plus he washed his hair this morning and it still smelt like our strawberry shampoo, so when I rested my head above his because he laid on my chest it smelt nice. 

It got to about four and Jongin woke up again after falling asleep for the second time, and he said he needed to do some work so he got up and did so. It gave me time to think about what happened and god, a lot did happen right? You wouldn’t know cause you’re a book and you can’t think.

I think Jongin worried too much, best friends are best friends for a reason and I could never abandon him because he might not like girls. But, I can understand where is worry comes from, I’m happy he trusted me enough to tell me. 

He’s just sitting at his desk now, claiming to be doing work but all he is doing is drawing on his notepad next to his work. I think... if he ends up not liking girls it won’t affect our relationship really. We were already really close and I don’t think Jongin sees me in that way anyway? He knows I like girls so he wouldn’t think about me like that haha. 

Anyway, I have to go to work so I’m going to stop writing, it was a long day!!

Quote of the day: “excuse me Sir, I need to go to the toilet so can I go?” Said by Kyungsoo and my drama teacher saying “I don’t know Kyungsoo, can you go?” And Kyungsoo leaving the class because he’s a savage.

Till tomorrow,

Ohhhhhh Sehun!!


	17. 10th January 2018

10th January 2018

Dear diary,

Today we had year assembly (when everyone who’s in our year group AKA first year) and it was wild. 

I was sitting next to Jongin and we were talking about random stuff (he was in a much better mood!) and then our annoying, old, rude, mean, did I say old? Head of year started speaking. Her name is Miss Lake but we all call her Roz because thats what the snail thing is called from the movie monsters inc, the one who says ‘I’m always watching’. As you can tell the schools banter level is great.

Anyway!! Roz welcomed us back to school and told us that we need to be behave as well as we did last year, and that there would be dorm checks this week. 

My lessons went by quickly today and around about 3 I headed to the second floor of the dorms to go to my philosophy tutoring with Yixing.

Yixing is a Chinese second year, who took philosophy and is basically a human version of a weed. I mean, if the substance was a person, it would be him. He’s a very chilled person but sometimes he’s bossy and harsh when it comes to marking but I know he’s just trying to do what’s best for me. Yixing and I didn’t do much till about four then we went over a few things I didn’t understand, after that we just chilled and talked about life. 

He’s originally a REALLY good dancer (I think he’s better than me), sometimes we dance together in the dance room and our styles are similar but very different.

It got to about 6 and that was when Jongdae and Baekhyun walked into the room. Jongdae is Yixing’s room mate so I see him quite often, and Baekhyun and him are in the same music class so they are friends. 

Once Baekhyun saw me I think he gave me a dirty look, and then he looked at Yixing and asked if it was just us two in the room. Obviously it was just us because he’s tutoring me, sometimes Jongdae is here but otherwise it’s only us.

Baekhyun came and sat next to me where I was leaning on Yixing’s bed and it was weird because as soon as he did he wrapped his arm round my waist and the other arm chilled on my leg. Normally he’s not too clingy, but he was and I think he was upset because he wasn’t smiling like normal, and instead was just sending B.B.F (Baekhyun bitch face) to everyone until I told him to stop being such a sour Susan. 

We spoke for another half hour or so until Baekhyun said that he and I had to go to the dance studio so he could teach me something?? Which was a compete lie because he never said he was going to teach me anything, and even then I’m a better dancer than him so I would be teaching him, not the other way round. 

Still, after saying goodbye we left and headed to the drama room. Baekhyun was still sour and clingy until we got to the room, then he locked the door and pulled the blind over the small window on the door so no one could see into the room which we never do. 

Obviously I asked him what was wrong and he asked why me and Yixing were alone together and I was confused because he knew I had tutoring, so I was trying to think if baek and I had anything planned but we didn’t. Baekhyun asked me if he or Yixing was my favourite hyung and obviously I said Baekhyun was my favourite. 

Then he walked over to me and told me to make sure he was always my favourite, and I realised Baekhyun was jealous because I had another second year friend who wasn’t him or Chanyeol. I laughed at him a little and told him he had nothing to worry about, but he was still pouting so I poked his nose and told him I wanted to go to my dorm room. 

He walked me back to my room and asked if he could come to my next tutoring session and even though he’s jealous I told him no because I need to learn and he shouldn’t waste his time because he didn’t take philosophy. He wasn’t happy with that answer and said that if I was gonna act that way I should let Yixing be my favourite and he went to storm away but he’s small so 4 Baekhyun steps are 2 steps for me so I caught up with him and hugged him and told him to stop being silly because he will always be my favourite. 

He didn’t need for me to tell him that again, but I didn’t want him to leave and think I didn’t care. So after he stopped pouting he said bye and went back to his room and I went to mine again. Jongin was inside and he said hello and hugged me and we watched an episode of erased which was really good!!

I’m super tired so I’m gonna pass out now!! Plus Jongin is asleep and I don’t want to wake him up.

Quote of the day: “oh the bitch is back, looking like a snack”, said by Yixing when Jongdae came back into the room after coming back from lessons. 

Till tomorrow,

oh Sehun


	18. 11th January 2018

11th January 2018

Dear diary,

ITS KYUNGSOOS BIRTHDAY TOMORROW AHHHHHHH

I’m really excited, super excited. 

I haven’t really spoke about Kyungsoo yet haha, he’s in my drama and English class so he’s almost in all my lessons. When we first met I thought he hated me because he never smiled at me and when we spoke he sounded like he would rather not be talking to me. But I’ve learnt that Kyungsoo is just a quiet person, and it takes time for him to warm up to people. I think I treasure his friendship the most, because I had to work very hard for it!!!

Kyungsoo is about a head smaller than me, he’s got dark brown hair that stops just at his eyebrows. He’s got big eyes and they are really... cute? In a friend way. I mean, Kyungsoo is the definition of cute because he’s small and has a nice face, I people who aren’t as close to him would say his personality isn’t cute but they are WRONG!!!

Kyungsoo is very caring, he always cooks me food and makes sure I understand all my work and ugh why is he so nice? He’s blunt for sure, and has his savage moments, but other than that he’s very nice to me!! 

Another thing about Kyungsoo is that he is meant to wear glasses but they are in repair right now because Chanyeol sat on them and Kyungsoo said and I quote “I look calm but in my head I’ve punched you in the face three times” and it was so funny because Chanyeol looked so scared and Kyungsoo looked ready for murder. 

Anyway, before I went to work I hadn’t decided what I wanted to get him so I was really worried I wouldn’t of had a present for him but then... it came to me!!

Although Kyungsoo is very good at English (even Spanish, Mandarin, Japanese And Korean), acting and cooking, there is nothing more Kyungsoo wants to do except write music? Is that how phrase it? He likes to make music!

So I went to a music store on the way home from work and picked up two books of music sheets which he can write on, it was surprisingly expensive but Kyungsoo deserves it. 

I got back to the dorm well and Jongin was awake when I got home? My Jongin whosleepswheneverhecanevenifitsinclass? He didn’t look happy so I asked what was wrong and he said he was worried because I was home later than usual. Then I told him about the present and he wasn’t as worried but said I had to text him when I’m on my way home from work from now own. 

He fell asleep after hugging me and now I’m writing this, stupid Jongin always falling asleep so I feel guilty for keeping the light on.

I’ll be going to bed now so bye bye!

Quote of the day: “do you want to... uhh... suck my dick?” Said by one of my co workers after the washing machine broke.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hii!!!’
> 
> Just wanted to say that I’m very thankful for everyone’s comments and ideas!!! It means a lot and makes me want to continue writing this for many years to come (most likely won’t haha) 
> 
> If you guys feel like you have an idea towards this story please feel free to comment!! Even though this is ‘Sehuns diary’, Any ideas that you guys give me I’ll think about and see if it fits into my idea and stuffffff
> 
> Or if you want to pm me ideas I’m fine with that too!!!
> 
> My insta is @Gabbyparham or if you comment another way to contact me I’m sure I’ll have it haha


	19. 12th January 2018

12th January 2018

Dear Diary,

It was Kyungsoo’s birthday today!!! He’s 17.... what??

Today we had the weekly house assembly, so everyone who was in Corbinian met and the head of house Junmyeon spoke about this year and I really wanted to write down his words because I like how he speaks. With Junmyeon, he pauses before he says his sentences because he thinks about the words he says, and when he’s not saying annoying dad jokes he’s a really genuine and smart person. So because I’m a weirdo, I voice recorded the speech today so I could write his exact words so I can read them. Weird, I know. 

(I didn’t start recording at the beginning but all he was saying was welcome back. I’ll start a new line when he pauses.) “as you all know, it is the new year. When new year comes about people assume you need to do something to change a quality you don’t like about yourself, or set yourself a target to alter something about you. When I sat down to think about things I should change about myself for the new year, I struggled. 

It’s not that I am cocky, or that I think that I am perfect. It’s more that I believe we are the way we are because intrinsically that is who we are. 

For those who took philosophy, you would have learnt the the word ‘predicate’, which means a necessary quality of an object, so the predicate of a triangle is that is has three sides. 

I believe that as a group, we all have individual predicates that make us, us. If we aim to change the things about our individual self, we become less of us. Does that make sense?

For instance, if I stopped telling jokes I wouldn’t be me.”

(Everyone laughed and he smiled.)

“See”, (he laughs) “everyone understands now. 

I’m not saying you shouldn’t have a resolution, because some things about ourself that do not predicate us well, such as having bad mannerisms or not focusing in class.

What I’m trying to say is, if you have set resolutions for yourself, look at them and say to yourself ‘does this or by doing this define me as me?’, and if it doesn’t sure do as you wish, but if it does I wish you think again about changing yourself. 

As men, even though it’s not as strong as women’s standards of appearance, we are expected to look a certain way. If your New Years resolution is to loose weight, it should not 

Even as men we have the pressures of image and looking attractive. 

In short, boys, don’t change yourself just because it’s a new year. Yes, it’s a somewhat clean slate, but those things define you and instead of setting a goal of ‘find someone to love’ or ‘loose weight’, make a promise to yourself that you will change that target to ‘love myself’ because if you feel that you need to change something about yourself, you obviously don’t. 

Besides that, it’s a new year! New year means new competitions and interhouse sports are coming, and you all know who the best house is, right? (Everyone started cheering and shouting Corbinian) 

So, this year if we have the highest points and win ‘house of the year’ again, it will be the fifth year running. So let’s win this!!! 

The next competition is actually a new one that’s been added to the collection of the many weird things we compete in, such as everyone’s favourite ‘steal the stapler from Mr. Rhee’s desk’ (its impossible to get out of the classroom but the person who gets the furthest wins). The competition is... a bake off!!

So, it won’t be like british bake off with lots and lots of rounds, but one round to completely prove yourself. There will be 3 set competitions, 3 winners. 1 competition and 1 winner for each year, so please make all of them Corbinian!!

I hope you all have an amazing week, and have a great 2018!! What house are we??”

And then we started shouting our theme song which is basically just shouting Corbinian really loudly and banging your hand up in the air with your hand shaped like a C. 

Junmyeon’s words have always been very inspiring to me so I ended up.. changing my New Years resolutions. They were:

1\. To stop procrastinating and do tasks that are given to me as soon as I can.  
2\. Grow my hair out a bit longer.  
3\. Work out.  
4\. Find a girlfriend.  
5\. Buy cool clothes and be cool.

And now they are:

1\. To stop procrastinating and do tasks that are given to me as soon as I can.  
2\. Buy cool clothes   
3\. Love myself 

I’m still gonna grow my hair out a bit, because right now it’s floppy and just hangs over my eyebrows but I want it a bit longer so I can swoop it to the side haha.

I had my normal lessons today but finished later than usual. I headed to the dance studio to where Kyungsoo’s ‘party was’ (it wasn’t a party, more of a little group of us saying happy birthday and eating cake and sharing presents.) he really liked the music paper!! Kyungsoo said he’s about to run out so he was really thankful for the gift. 

After we had finished celebrating it was late so we had to sneak back to our rooms so we didn’t get caught, Kyungsoo hit us all in the head (even though we had to bend a bit so he could do so) and said we could’ve got him in trouble.

Anyway,, it’s been a long day and I’m super tired so goodnight!

Quote of the day: “the last time I slept well was in the womb”, said by Tao when I asked why he was yawning so much in theatre studies today. 

Till tomorrow,

OH SEHUN!


	20. 13th January 2018

13th January 2018

Dear diary,

It is my best friends birthday tomorrow... he’s going to officially be older than me and that makes me SAD! It’s okay when we are both 16 because that means we are somewhat the same age as me, but now he will be a whole 17 and I’ll still be 16 and ugh, Jongin why can’t you just stay 16 until I turn 17. 

As I said it’s Jongin’s birthday tomorrow, I got him presents but I’m scared it’s a lot and I don’t want him to think I’m weird or whatever.   
I got him:

\- A black thrasher jumper which he said he’s been wanting forever   
\- A little bear rubber I found at the stationary shop when I went with Baekhyun   
\- Boxers!!! Finally  
\- A book what he’s been wanting to read called ‘A curious incident of the dog in the night time’  
\- And lastly a card

It’s all wrapped and hidden under my bed, and Jongin thinks I’ve forgotten all about his Birthday but what is actually happening is I’m throwing Jongin a surprise birthday party. 

I say party like it’s gonna be huge but it’s only in our dorm with the group (Tao, Kyungsoo, Chanyeol and Baekhyun) with a couple drinks. Yixing and Jongdae went through the effort to get the beers in the dorms for me so we must drink them!! I won’t because I don’t drink but I know everyone else will minus Kyungsoo. 

The action plan is, Ive told everyone to pretend they don’t know it’s Jongin’s birthday then when he’s all sad and mopey he will do what he will normally do (after coming to me) and go on a walk, then I will send a text to everyone to come in and quickly hang up the decorations and bring the food and once he’s back we will say SURPRISE!!!

Sounds great right? You wouldn’t know because you’re a book. 

I worked today and it was really tiring because Saturdays are always busy but I was working with Baekhyun so it was all good! Baekhyun and I walked back together instead of betting bus, I made sure to text Jongin I was on my way back and he said to be safe which was nice of him, it was the first time I had been told to be safe home from work and it just made me feel special.

Baekhyun walked me back to my room as usual and told me that he’s excited for the party tomorrow, and that he’s gonna dress “extra extra extra hot” and I have to rate him out of 10? He’s a weirdo.

When I got in Jongin was on MY bed watching erased and I wanted to punch him in the knee because we were meant to be watching it together. He said he would rewatch it with me though so I GUESS ITS OKAY :(

I hope Jongin enjoys his birthday tomorrow, and his presents!!

Anyway I got to stop writing now because jongin is getting sleepy and I don’t want to keep him up. 

Quote of the day: “I think your predicate is being ugly”, said by Jongin to me and thought it was the funniest joke in the world ever. 

Till tomorrow,

Oh Sehun :)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Tomorrow’s chapter is very juicy and maycontainakissortwo I hope you’re excited


	21. 14th January 2018

Dear diary,

I HAVE A LOT TO SAY BUT IM VERY TIRED SO THERE WILL BE SPELLING MISTAKES AND MOST LIKELY WILL MAKE NO SENSE. 

Today was Jongin’s birthday and it mostly went to plan. Everyone pretended they didn’t know it was his birthday and he was walking round pouting and then he left the room, and I texted everyone and the decorations went up and we hid (all of them in the toilet except me) and when he came back we said SURPRISE!!!

He was really surprised (duh) and he started crying and I walked up to him and hugged him and told him to stop crying so he could enjoy himself, he said he felt so happy because he felt loved by everyone. 

We did the presents (I didn’t give him mine yet) and he got a lot of bear themed stuff and food and he was really happy, then we started drinking the beer and it was a really good time. 

I’m rushing the detail a lot because something happened and I don’t know how to feel.

The party finished about 10:40pm and everyone snuck back to their rooms because they aren’t allowed to be out of their rooms, let alone drinking alcohol and ‘partying’. 

Jongin had a fair amount of alcohol, to the point of where he was tipsy, and everyone else had a bit more so were in funny moods. Baekhyun kept asking me if he was hot and it kept making me laugh because for some reason Baekhyun becomes a stripper when he’s drunk because he’s always dancing on people and trying to get naked. He was half undressed before he left but I gave him my hoodie to walk back in so he didn’t get cold.

Once everyone left it was just me and Jongin and I told him to relax while I cleaned up, and it only look 10 minutes or so but once I was done I joined him on his bed (with his presents in my hand) and I gave them to him. He opened them and said he loved them all, and that that he was really thankful for all of tonight.

I told him it wasn’t a problem as that is what best friends do. Then this is when it all goes... in a weird direction?

Jongin hugged me and I fell down onto the bed laying down which isn’t an abnormal thing to happen, we laid there for a bit until I heard Jongin mumble something and I couldn’t hear him so i asked what he said and he lifted his head out of my neck and said that he was thankful to have me, and it made me smile because Jongin makes me feel important and like I have a place. 

Then I became conscience of how close our faces were and god I could feel his breath again and his eyes looked so intense and it felt like I was looking at another side of Jongin, he was different. 

Not the Jongin I was used to. He was holding himself up with his arms and he was straddling me, so the position as it was was a bit close and up in each other’s business.

After what felt like a century of silence and staring into each other’s eyes, Jongin ran his thumb across my lip?? He had never done this before and I didn’t understand and it made my cheeks hot because I was nervous and ugh I don’t even know what Jongin must of thought. Or, I guess I do.

After that Jongin started to move closer to me and it was so close that my eyes couldn’t focus on him anymore because he was THAT close. Then he closed his eyes and kissed me. 

 

Yes.

 

He kissed me. 

I was shocked, my best friend was kissing me. On the lips. A boy and a boy. I didn’t move for some reason, Jongin’s lips just stayed on mine for a bit snd they were much soft than expected. Then his hand came to the side of my face and it stayed on my cheek for a bit. I didn’t know what to do, my brain is still confused now because I don’t even know what to do think.

I didn’t even control my own actions? Because the next think I knew I was kissing him back. Jongin had an excuse to kiss me because he was drunk but I didn’t!!! I kissed him for no reason. God. What is wrong with me. It wasn’t a big kiss, we just kissed. There wasn’t anything like tongue involved, just a drunk kiss.  
Or it could’ve been, I could’ve forgotten about it and Jongin wouldn’t of remembered because he has the lowest tolerance I know. 

It could’ve been nothing if Baekhyun didn’t walk into the room at that moment. 

Both of our heads turned towards the door and for a couple seconds everyone was just staring with wide eyes at each other.

My heart wouldn’t stop beating and Jongin looked just as scared as I was. But Baekhyun, his face held the worst expression. He looked like he was ready to kill someone, I had never seen him so angry before. I remember his fists were clenched and he wasn’t even looking at me anymore. 

Jongin moved off of me and Baekhyun came further into the room towards Jongin. Baekhyun just stared at him with the dirtiest look and once he looked at me, he looked like he was going to cry. I didn’t understand anything that was happening, I wish I did. I feel stupid. 

Baekhyun said “I came back because I forgot to say goodnight, but it seems like you’re having a great night without me”. And then he stormed out, and it hurt. 

I hadn’t seen Baekhyun so angry before, and the fact I had made him that angry was the worst thing I could’ve ever done. 

I didn’t want him to leave without an explanation so I ran after him and because his legs are short I was able to catch up with him just as he was by the stairs door. That made no sense, you have to go through a door to go into the stairs corridor, he just got to that and he noticed I was coming after him so rushed into it.

Once I was inside I basically shouted at him to wait, he paused but didn’t turn round to look at me. I told him it wasn’t what he thought it was because Jongin is drunk and I didn’t want to push him off because of that reason.

Baekhyun had stopped at the first step so he was almost the same height as me, he didn’t even turn around as he said that he wish I didn’t lie to him. I was hurt but I knew for some reason Baekhyun was too, even though I wasn’t sure why.

I told him I wasn’t lying and that I would even pinky promise on it if he turned around. I said sorry too for making him mad and upset. Then he turned around and his eyes were teary and it hurt to see him like this so I asked if I could hug him and he sad laughed at me and said okay.

I hugged him and told him he’s silly for crying for no reason, and that he had no reason to cry. Baekhyuns head was on my shoulder and I could feel his tears getting my shirt wet. I ended up carrying him to his dorm room (and apologising to his room mate) and putting him to bed. But before I left he told me not to forget I’m his favourite, and that he should still be my favourite so I said he is still. 

And once I got back to my own dorm room Jongin was sitting on his bed in the same place I had left him in. He kept saying sorry and I told him it was fine because I didn’t mind it? I don’t know why I said it, even though it’s true I shouldn’t of said it. Jongin asked if I meant that and I said yes, but I think he thought I meant it as in ‘I don’t mind you kissing me period’ instead of ‘I don’t mind you kissing me when you’re drunk’. 

He looked really sad and I told him to stop pouting because it was his birthday and he shouldn’t be sad, then he asked if I really didn’t mind it and I said of course not. Then... it happened again!!!

Except I think this time I could’ve been the one to blame. 

Jongin had stumbled so I caught him round his waist, then he put his arms round my neck to catch himself. Then we were still for a second... and he started leaning in. This time though I knew it was going to happen, and I don’t know why but so did i. 

Once he realised that he almost banged his lips against mine and he tasted like alcohol and his lips were still soft. I can’t remember what I was thinking at the time but I new it turned from a simple kiss to the whole works in a couple seconds. 

Jongin tried to put his tongue in my mouth? And I let him?? Me, a straight guy let his best friend shove his tongue into my mouth??? I don’t know what was happening oh my god. What’s worse is it felt good too, and because of that I let him. God he even ran his tongue on my lip and I let him because it felt good!!! Who am I? I don’t even know anymore. 

We continued for a couple more minutes until I couldn’t breathe anymore and I had to break apart, and Jongin was just as out of breath as I was and we just both stood there. Jongin was the first to do something and said that he was tired and moved his arms from round my neck and moved towards his bed. And in a couple of seconds he was asleep. 

Me on the other hand?? No SLEEP FOR ME. 

I can’t stop thinking about what happened and why i didn’t try to stop him, and why it felt so good. I’ve never kissed a girl before so I wouldn’t know if I liked kissing a girl. I just realised jongin was my first KISS AS IF THIS COULDN’T GET ANYMORE CONFUSING. 

Jongin officially has messed up my head, I need to find a girl to kiss ASAP otherwise I’ll start thinking differently. 

I texted Baekhyun ‘I need to talk to you tomorrow’ and I know he won’t reply till then because he’s sleeping right now. 

He will help me figure my head out somehow. 

Hopefully I can stop thinking and get some sleep. 

What a day, till tomorrow. 

Oh Sehun. 

WAIT QUOTE OF THE DAY: “what the fuck”, said by me just now because i’m confused.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Do you like??? Do you like??
> 
> Don’t be disheartened if you didn’t like what happened!!! There’s a lot of every ship in this so far haha 
> 
> Thank you for reading


	22. 15th January 2018

15th January 2018

Dear diary,

If you thought I was confused yesterday, you should hear how I feel today. Not that you can hear because you are a book. 

when I woke up Jongin was already gone because his lesson started an hour earlier than mine, but he had left a note on the side saying ‘thank you for last night!! Sorry I didn’t say it sooner!’ And does that mean he doesn’t remember the kiss? Does that mean he’s unaware he STOLE MY FIRST KISS?? I can’t decide wether that is a good or bad thing. 

Today I didn’t have any lessons passed one in the afternoon so I met up with Baekhyun as soon as I could. Baekhyun met me at the dance studio but we didn’t stay there because i wanted to talk to him privately so we left and headed to the music section of the school and went into a practise room because you could lock the doors and shut the blinds so no one can intrude. 

Baekhyun sat down on the seat by the piano and started playing it lightly, and I stood behind him and asked if he remembered any of last night. Then he continued playing and ignored me so I asked agin and he stopped playing. He said that he remembered it all, and that he shouldn’t of knocked on the door, and it hurt because his voice wasn’t as lively as it normally is and he didn’t even turn round to talk to me.

I told him it wasn’t what it looked like, I said it was Jongin drunk kissing and it is true because that is what it was!!! When I told him about the second kiss I saw his shoulders shrug it hurt a lot, something happened to my heart.

I told Baekhyun I had to talk to him properly and he turned round and saw that I was serious so he moved onto the floor and I sat opposite him so we could talk. 

I told him how I felt (how I liked the kiss but I didn’t know what I felt about the whole situation. How I thought I liked girls but now that happened I wasn’t really sure. I basically said everything that was on my mind), and Baekhyun told me that it is normal to not understand how you feel and we shouldn’t have to define ourselves about who we like. And I realised that Baekhyun was hinting that he thought I was gay!! Which I’m not!! Or I don’t think so. 

I told Baekhyun I wasn’t sure what I was and he laughed and told me it was okay not to know as long as I was happy. It really did calm me down telling Baekhyun because he’s the best at comforting me, and telling me everything will be okay. 

Then he said some... weird stuff?? And I did some weird stuff

Baekhyun said if I needed anyone to ‘practise’ with that he would always be there for me. At first I didn’t understand and then I realised he meant like kissing and other stuff and I was shocked and Baekhyun must of been able to tell because he started laughing and called me cute for being so innocent. APPARENTLY IM STILL INNOCENT??? EVEN THOUGH IM 16!!

I told him I’m not innocent and then he said prove it and there’s that thing again in my body which makes me do things before realising it’s not something I normally do. 

I moved forewords and put my hands on his cheeks and kissed him once, then I moved away and Baekhyun looked shocked but started laughing and said it was the most innocent kiss he had ever had and tried to squeeze my cheek and it made me angry so I kissed him again.... but for longer... and god it went in a weird direction again. 

Baekhyun ended up moving his hands to round my neck and pulling me closer and I think I moved mine to round his waist and at first I was leading the kiss but Baekhyun took over and he kisses a lot different to Jongin. I shouldn’t be comparing them because they are two different people but Jongin’s kiss was more hungry?? Does that make sense? And Baekhyun was more... passionate WHAT AM I EVEN SAYING. 

Baekhyun bit down on my bottom lip lightly and I wish I hated it but I really didn’t, it felt really good. Then he basically pulled me onto his lap because he was sitting cross legged and I was kneeling to kiss him and he put his arms round my thighs and pulled me into his lap. And once again I wanted to hate it but for some reason it made me want to kiss Baekhyun more. And I think he got that hint too. 

I can’t really remember exact details but I know we kissed for a long time, and it went from deep kissing to just light ones because we had gotten out of breath (I didn’t realise kissing was so strenuous wow). And then once we stopped Baekhyun said ‘I guess you’re not as innocent as I thought’ and it was really embarrassing because it was a reality check I just kissed Baekhyun; who is my best friend, a co worker, a GUY BEST FRIEND CO WORKER!

And it felt good. 

I couldn’t see how Baekhyun could be so casual after kissing because i was embarrassing by stuttering because Baekhyun said and I quote “I forgot you had braces until about 10 minutes ago” and I realised he must’ve felt them and ughhhh someone just grab a fork and shove it in my eye I’m embarrassed and my heads is a mess. 

There was a knock on the door and someone said that they needed the practise room and that they couldn’t hear any music playing, so I quickly got off Baekhyuns lap and grabbed my backpack and we left. 

Baekhyun said he had homework so he wouldn’t be able to hang out anymore but he walked me back to my dorm room and I didn’t say anything because I didn’t know what to say, but Baekhyun seemed to understand and just walked beside me. 

Once we got outside the door Baekhyun said that I wasn’t a bad kisser so I shouldn’t be so embarrassed, and that if I wanted to get better he would do it again for ‘practise’. It was too embarrassing, if I could’ve blushed more I did. I said bye and headed inside only to find Jongin.

Jongin said hey and asked how I was because “you look as red as a tomato” and I said I ran up the stairs. So far it seems that Jongin can’t remember, which sucks because it means my first kiss, even if it was from jongin who is a guy and my best friend, is only remembered by me and technically Baekhyun even though he wasn’t the second party. 

Jongin is doing homework and I should do some too, even though my brain hurts. I can’t kiss anymore boys now!! If kissing boys feels this good I can’t wait to kiss a girl. I just have to wait till one who is my type to come along (I don’t think I have a type, but personality wise they have to be like- god I almost wrote Baekhyun and Jongin combined IM REALLY QUESTIONING WHAT IS HAPPENING TO MY BRAIN) 

Goodbye before I write anything else that makes me question my sexuality. 

Quote of the day: “I guess you’re not as innocent as I thought” Said by Baekhyun because it’s the only thing I remember from my hectic day today. 

Oh Sehun.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It SEEMS LIKE ITS ALL PIPPED UP BUT I PROMISE THERES SOME SENSe to it!!


	23. 16th January 2018

16th January 2018

Dear diary,

My head is still... busy. BUT HEY I DIDN’T KISS ANYONE TODAY!

Today it felt as if everyone went back to normal, Jongin was just Jongin today and Baekhyun was still Baekhyun. Me on the other hand, I became aware to everything that my best friends do. If that makes any sense. ILL EXPLAIN IT WHEN I UNDERSTAND!! But I have good news!

Today in full school assembly we were told about the first year party?? So all the first years from our school and the first years from an all girls school are having a (school) party! I’m excited because it means girls are coming and I love girls hehe. Hopefully I meet THE ONE and I can marry her and we can live happily. 

After assembly I had ethics with Jongin and he was working but I kept staring at his nose? His nose is like.... how do I say it without sounding gay. It’s a cute nose. I kept staring. He even CAUGHT ME and asked what I was doing. Fridays party can’t come sooner.

I had theatre today but it wasn’t much interesting so there’s nothing to write about haha. 

ALSO!!!

I called my mum today! It’s been forever and I missed her voice so much ughhh

I wish it wasn’t this hard to contact my family but the moments I do have with them are the best!! We spoke about what was happening in our life’s and she’s currently in Australia! I’m really jealous of her. 

I couldn’t stay on the phone for long because I had to go to work, Tuesdays I work with Baekhyun so I knew he would be there and I didn’t know how I was gonna act around him.

When I got there he was already there and he was serving a table, but once we was in the kitchen where I was we spoke normally (minus me keep looking at his lips thinking about how me, a straight guy, kissed them) and Baekhyun seemed to be in a better mood than most days, which is somewhat crazy because Baekhyun always seems to be in a good mood. So seeing him in a even better mood is nice. 

When we walked home Baekhyun asked if we could walk all the way instead of getting a bus, because he said he would like to watch the stars tonight. It doesn’t make sense because you don’t see many stars in our area cause it’s in the middle of a city, but I thought to keep Baekhyun happy we could walk. 

We spoke about random stuff and it was nice and I didn’t really think about anything. It was lovely. My head was at rest. UNTIL BAEKHYUN BROUGHT IT INTO CONVERSATION! He said something like “so other than Jongin and I, have you kissed anyone?”

And I said no because I don’t lie but I told him that they are my first kisses for boys, but I’m hoping to get my first kiss for girl on Friday. 

He laughed and said it was cute (as usual) and said I shouldn’t aim for kissing a certain gender just to prove something, I should just be comfortable. I nodded and I understood where he came from, but I still want to find a girl who’s right for me soon. 

It took some time but we got to the dorms soon enough, Baekhyun walked me to my dorm as usual and we hugged. It felt different than usual because normal hugs only last a few seconds, but we must’ve hugged for at least a minute as Baekhyun mumbled a few things I couldn’t really understand because he was muffled by my neck. 

When we broke apart Baekhyun asked me to bend down a bit so I did, and then he kissed my forehead and I laughed because even with me bending he had to go on the tips of his toes. 

I went into my room and Baekhyun stopped the door from shutting and asked if Jongin was awake, and he wasn’t so he went in and Baekhyun jumped onto his bed and started tickling him and woke him up. 

I didn’t understand because Baekhyun seemed angry at him on his birthday night and then he was tickling him like nothing happened. BUT IM GLAD BECAUSE IT   
MEANS THAT MY BESTIES ARE BESTIES!!

Baekhyun soon left after hugging me and telling me I was his ‘numero uno’ And Jongin went back to bed and I started writing this. 

See... back to normal today. 

Quote of the day: “In my dream last night I was dancing to the wii music the whole time and I’m scared of my own brain mow”, said by Chanyeol.

Oh Sehun.....

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Over 1000 reads and 100 comments!!! I’m feeling very happy!!


	24. 17th January 2018

17th January 2018

Dear diary,

Today was the cook off day!! And it was so fun to watch I was I recorded it. It happened during lunch time and the competitors were:

Ulphia: Kyungsoo (I knew he was gonna win he’s amazing)  
Tantony: Jimin (the dancer)   
Ailbhe: Mingyu (I’ve never spoken to him before but he’s tall too)  
Corbinian: Taemin (who’s such a good dancer?? I should’ve wrote about him sooner) 

It was really cool becuase Kyungsoo won and he looked like a real chef and I felt like a proud dad because he got his house a trophy (it’s a golden spoon). 

Because of the cooking competition Yixing and I didn’t meet up today, since after everyone was celebrating even though it wasn’t as a big event like the other competitions too, but because Corbinian won the second and third year competition we did well!!

Jongin and I didn’t stay at the party long but when we got back Jongin and I watched a movie ‘in celebration’. We watched the woman in black because for theatre studies were seeing it in the theatre (duh) so I wanted to watch the real movie, and I shit you not it’s the most scariest thing I’ve ever seen. 

The woman pops out of nowhere and I’m gonna have to hold on to Tao and Kyungsoo while we see it at the theatre because my teacher said she (the woman) walks through the isle to spook everyone. 

Baekhyun texted me a few times asked if we could walk to work together tomorrow but I felt bad cause I’m not working tomorrow, I told him I would be in the dance studio!! So hopefully he understands. Speaking of dance, the plan is to dance off all my stress tomorrow because it feels like forever since I’ve danced, it’s my favourite thing to do. 

Kissing my two best friends has hurt my head a lot and I haven’t even able to concentrate on anything, it’s taking a toll on my mental stuff and I just need to DANCE IT OUT YOU KNOW. It will de stress me and I’ll know what to do. 

For now I’ve made the rule that I’m not kissing any of my best friends, they are my best friends not my... boyfriends. But because they are my best friends it’s okay if I appreciate how they look. It makes sense right?

I’m super tired so im gonna stop writing!!! Tomorrow is gonna be the best and I can’t wait to dance once again WOOP WOOOP 

Quote of the day: “Canada and vegetarians are real”, said by someone in the hallway who’s voice I don’t recognise.

Oh Sehun


	25. 18th January 2018

Today I’m not going to write much because today wasn’t one of my good days, and I’m worn out and all I want to do is sleep. 

I was going to dance, and I was in the studio by my own and I put my playlist on Spotify which is called ‘cinematic chill-out’ which has music I can improv to. Since it was only me inside the studio I played the music on the speaker and it was loud enough- I don’t know how to describe it but like... when you go to a concert and you can feel the beat in your heart. That’s how loud it felt and was. 

I started dancing and my head got clouded because I was over thinking everything and my heart started to ache because I couldn’t breathe and because I couldn’t understand how I feel. I continued dancing because dancing is how I clear my head and it wasn’t working and my head didn’t make any sense and I didn’t know how to stop. Then all I remember was my body started to ache, and my body gave way and I was on the floor.

I remember my face hurting because I was crying and I don’t know why. I can’t work things out, i don’t know what to feel. I was sitting in the middle of the floor crying and the music was loud and I didn’t even hear the door open when Baekhyun and Jongin came in. 

They came to me and they looked so worried and I wanted to say ‘stop worrying about me, I’m being stupid’ because I didn’t want to admit I don’t understand my head, and I didn’t want to waste their time. I wanted them to leave me alone because I didn’t want to worry them, Jongin looked like he was about to cry and I could feel Baekhyun’s hands shaking because he wiped my tears. I don’t deserve friends like them. 

I managed to tell them I didn’t hurt myself and that I was just stressed about school, I don’t like lying to my friends but I don’t want them to worry about me. They sat there with me for a bit and then they ‘helped’ me up even though I wasn’t crying anymore, and we went back to our dorm room. 

They made me sit down on my bed and Baekhyun said that we need to have a ‘best friend snuggle session’, even though that’s what we do most days, and he ran to his room to get a packet of sweets he remembered he had in his room and gave them to me, and it turned out of be my favourites (which are millions (like hundreds of chewy balls) and they don’t do my braces any good). 

We were going to watch a movie but I didn’t feel like it, I think Jongin could tell because he said we should just sit on the bed and talk. I didn’t talk much but Jongin and Baekhyun did and I listened. Baekhyun sat next to me and he was tracing his name (it took a long time to figure out) on my hand and i wanted him to stop because it was hurting my heart, because I didn’t know what to feel. It was a good hurt. The same hurt I get in my heart when Jongin accidentally falls asleep on my desk or pouts and his bottom lip pops out. The same hurt that I get when Baekhyun smiles and it goes rectangular or when he wears my clothes and it’s too big. It’s the same as when they both kissed me.

I don’t know what to call it and I don’t know what to do with it, I don’t want to ruin my friendships with my friends. I’m scared I’ll loose Jongin and Baekhyun. I don’t want to. 

I hope future me understands this, because I don’t. Please unconfuse your brain soon.

I don’t have any quotes because I’m too tired to think of what anyone said. 

Oh Sehun.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you like this chap!!


	26. 19th January 2018

Dear diary,

Today was the dance mc dance and it went well!! Finally a day where my head makes sense. 

In school nothing really happened, Baekhyun and Jongin checked if I was okay and it made me upset because I hate worrying my friends. Jongin and I got ready for our dance or disco or whatever you want to call it, PARTY. 

Jongin was wearing some tight black jeans and a polo shirt and he looked nice and ughhhhhh my head told me to say ‘wow you look hot’ and I almost did. I wore skinny light blue jeans with a white button up shirt, cause I didn’t wanna look too similar to Jongin. 

Once we got there, all the girls were basically there and I was kind of nervous to talk to them so I stayed with Jongin until we went towards the bar and then this girl approached me.

Her name is Joohyun and she is really pretty, she didn’t seem like she wanted to talk to me at first which was weird because she was the one who started the conversation, but once we started talking we got along well!!

Jongin didn’t talk as much and then left after a bit to go dance with Kyungsoo and Tao, I stayed with Joohyun and we found out we both like dancing and she likes singing too. She seems really nice and maybe she could be the one?? I don’t have any feelings towards her yet besides finding her really pretty, But that can change right??

Jongin said he had to leave because he had a stomach ache, and then he didn’t even wait for me to say goodbye so I don’t know wether he’s angry at me because I spent time with someone else or if he was really unwell. 

Because I didn’t know I wanted to check if he was okay, so cutting the party short I said goodbye too Joohyun and we gave each other our numbers (I GOT A GIRLS NUMBER!!) and she said we should meet up sometime. After that I quickly ran to a shop nearby and grabbed some paracetamol so if Jongin felt unwell I could look after him like he looked after me all this time.

I ran home and once I was back in the dorm room Jongin was already out of his nice clothes and in his pjs which he never really wears unless he’s planning on being comfy and watching a movie, so I knew he was unwell otherwise Jongin would’ve just be walking round in his boxers. 

I made him take the paracetamol and told him to get into bed and I sat with him and we watched a movie together. I asked if he felt better and he said he felt much better so I was happy!!! 

We watched ‘Love, Rosie’ and it was really good and Jongin ended up falling asleep half way so once agin I’m using his head as a table while he is asleep on my lap. (I’m sitting up and he’s laying on my leg which is kind of cute, and I’ve decided I can call him cute because he’s my best friend). 

I’m gonna stop writing this because im cold and Jongin is warm so i think I’ll sleep in his bed tonight with him (I don’t have a choice anyway I’m stuck) and I’m sure I’ll be warm. 

GOODNIGHT!

Quote of the day: “boots and cats, shoes and hats” said by Kyungsoo making fun of Chanyeol who was trying to beat box

Oh Sehun


	27. 20th January 2018

Dear diary,

Soooooooooooo.... today was pretty boring. EXCEPT ONE THING BUT WE WILL GET TO THAT LATER. 

I woke up and Jongin was already out of bed and he left a note saying he was in the dance studio and I shouldn’t miss him (it sucked cause I woke up cold) and I also woke up too a text from.... Joohyun!! She asked if we could meet tomorrow and of course I said yes!!! My first date I’m so excited AHHHHH

I couldn’t wait to get to work and tell Baekhyun, but when I got there and told him he did his fake smile and said ‘congrats’ and that’s all. I think I’ve hurt him. Maybe kissing him wasn’t good. Maybe he thought I liked him but I actually like girls. I hope he doesn’t hate me because I need Baekhyun in my life. 

I only worked a few hours and Baekhyun and I were meant to walk home but he asked the manager if he could work a few more hours so I went alone. 

I called Seyoung and I’m really jealous cause my older brother is in San Diego right now and ugh I bet it’s hot there, it’s freezing in London. He seemed well and he asked me about life, I told him about me date and he laughed at me said said “I always thought you were gay” and I got angry and was like BOI DO I LOOK GAY TO YOU but it only made him laugh harder. He called me a Twink... I had to google what Twink meant before I understood the insult.

Anyway, I wanna sleep well for my date tomorrow!!! This could be the the start of something!!!

Quote of the day: “I asked this American man for directions and he was confused because I am Asian with a British accent living in America. He kept asking me to say ‘hello governour’ It’s not that weird right?” Said by Seyoung 

Oh Sehun

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don’t get as many comments anymore :(
> 
> I’ll be adding more stuff so u guys like it more!!! If there’s anything you think could be added pls tell


	28. 21st January 2018

Dear diary,

Today...was...date day!!!!

And... I think it went well?

It’s my first date so I can’t really compare it with anything so....to me it was good!!!!

I woke up and got ready, because we were meeting at 3 in the afternoon and I wanted to look good. Jongin helped me pick an outfit, but he wasn’t any help because he said I looked good in all the outfits and keep going ‘WOW MODEL LIFE’ or ‘YOU’RE SPICY HOT’ and I kept laughing but I had to be serious because 1. I had look good and it takes concentration and 2. If he kept making me laugh and winding me up I would’ve had to attack him and tickle him and I didn’t have time for that!

It got to about 2 and I was like I SHOULD LEAVE because I didn’t want to be late but Jongin came up with the idea of coming too and sitting a bit further away from us so he could keep an eye on everything to make sure it went too. Obviously said yes because I need my best friend with me, or somewhere near, so I’m calm and don’t mess things up. Chanyeol ended up tagging along too, who ended up dragging Kyungsoo and Baekhyun even though they didn’t want to come.

So we got there and squad sat a few tables away being noisy and loud but that’s how they normally are, so I just ignored them. Joohyun came and she looked really pretty, she was wearing this black and white striped shirt with skinny black jeans and creepers, I didn’t exactly know what creepers were but she said they are shoes that make you slightly taller and I said she didn’t need to be anymore taller because she’s a good height as it is. 

We sat down and we ordered (I got a pizza and she got a fancy pasta dish thing which looked nice and she gave me some after me giving her a slice of pizza) and we spoke about random things. I found out a lot of things, like that she prefers when her English friends call her Irene because they always mess up her korean name, and that she hates chicken cause it makes her feel ill.

She’s really nice and pretty but I haven’t got the firework feelings yet that people always say when you fall in love, but I’m sure they come in time right?!

She had to go the bathroom so I took the time to text the group chat and I could see them all texting me which was fun. I screenshotted my favourite texts so I could write them down here so I could remember them.

Kyungsoo: Sehun you look constipated smile for once  
Chanyeol: MY SON IS IN LOVE  
Jongin: he’s not in love he jus has pizza   
Baekhyun: Sehun you have a little bit of sauce on your face? (I panicked and he laughed)  
Baekhyun: prank 

She came back and I paid and we left to go walk round, the squad went back to dorms and left us alone and I felt a bit worried because if I messed up what would I do?? But I didn’t and it was alllllll good. We just spoke about random things and Joohyun seems like a nice girl. 

I walked her back to her dorms which is by her school, it’s a half hour bus journey from my dorms which isn’t that far. We hugged and then she went in, and I FINISHED MY FIRST DATE EVER!!!!!

I got the bus home and Jongin asked how it went and I said it was good, but explained how I didn’t get the feeling and Jongin said the same thing I thought, that it could come in time. I started doing homework and Kyungsoo, Chanyeol and Baekhyun came into the room and then I didn’t finish my homework...

We ended up all laughing and joking around and today was just such a good day. It finished a really weird week so I’m happy!!!! Very happy. 

Kyungsoo left first, saying he wanted to sleep early, then Chanyeol dragged Baekhyun out who was clinging onto my arm while he screamed “DONT LET HIM TAKE ME” and it was really funny. Then it was just Jongin and I and we were too tired to do anything so we both went to bed. 

Quote of the day: “Chanyeol has a tendency to be ugly, whiny, rude and did I say ugly? but it’s okay because we still love you”, Said by Baekhyun after Chanyeol called him small because he couldn’t reach something off my shelf 

Oh Sehun


	29. 22nd January 2018

Dear diary,

I woke up and today felt like a new day, a new start!!! 

Monday is the day when I only have 2/3 lessons so I met up with Baekhyun and we just chilled, we were gonna watch a movie but we ended up talking about loads of memories and it was like a walk down memory road. 

We spoke about the first time we met- IVE NEVER WRITTEN ABOUT THE FIRST TIME WE MET!!

We met in the first week of school, and me being the (anxiety filled person I am) I was lost and confused and I didn’t know where the classes were and in total: I was really nervous and I was lost so hid in the toilet for a couple minutes to calm down. 

I was leaning on the sink and I was so close to crying, there was something in my stomach that felt like it was punching me inside out and I was so close to having a panic attack, but then one of the stalls open and Baekhyun came out and we made eye contact and I was embarrassed so I looked away and started to pretend to wash my hands. 

He came to wash his hands too and he kept looking at me and I kept looking at my hands, then he asked if I was okay and I nodded because I knew if I opened my mouth I’d start crying. Then he asked if I was new, I nodded, then if I was in first year and I nodded. Then he asked my name and I knew I had to speak so I kind of said it but it probably just sounded like shn, he didn’t seem to mind though and asked me if I needed help to my class. 

I think Baekhyun has always been good at reading me, even when he didn’t even know me he knew how I was feeling. He walked me to my class and told me what room his dorm was, and told me if I had any problems I should find him and he would help. 

Even though it’s not a big meeting and build up of friendship, Baekhyun truly did save me from having a panic attack that day and I couldn’t be more thankful to him. 

On the Saturday when I was in my room with Jongin someone knocked at the door and it was Baekhyun, and when I asked how he knew what room I was he gave me my planner (where I wrote down all my homework) and I didn’t even realise I lost it!!! I thanked him and that’s where our friendship started. 

Since then Baekhyun and I have been great friends and him, Jongin and I are the best of friends, THE THREE MUSKETEERS!!!!

Baekhyun told me today that wasn’t even the first time he noticed me in the toilet, he said he saw me walking in the hallway once and was jealous of my height, and then saw me again in the cafeteria when Jongin and I sat at the back because we didn’t know where else to go. 

I’m glad I met Jongin and Baekhyun because they’ve made this all much easier. ALSO CHANYEOL AND KYUNGSOO AND TAO BECAUSE THEY ARE ALSO LOVELY. 

speaking of Chanyeol, were going out on Wednesday on a walk because he claims he’s getting chubby even though he’s like a twig. 

I should get going because Joohyun is calling me and I don’t want to leave her waiting, bye bye!!! 

Oh Sehun

WAIT

Quote of the day: “I like dogs” said by me now because I’m In a rush and I needed a quote

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I’ve sorted out a somewhat story line till Valentine’s Day so!!! Be excited


	30. 23rd January 2018

Dear diary,

Today was once again pretty average. Maybe karmas finally being nice to me and giving me a good week after the hectic mess of last week oops. 

I had my theatre lesson today and we’ve started to plan our play? Or production??? My drama teacher Mr Choi has let us take complete control, and I’m hella nervous. Mr Choi is a really lovely teacher, he’s like a second dad to me because... I don’t know he’s just like a father figure to me. And when I accidentally called him dad he just was like ‘hi son’ and now we have an inside joke that he’s my dad and I’m his son. 

ANYWAY, Mr Choi said that we would create our own play from scratch, so he let us get into our own groups (there’s only 6 of us so it was a half way split) and Kyungsoo had an idea which seemed really good and I’ll try to explain it but I won’t do Kyungsoo’s words any justice. 

So it’s about these two older brothers, but they don’t talk anymore because of a supposed argument, and they meet up again and one of the brothers brings their youngest brother along, or so you think, and then they talk and the oldest brother seems off with their youngest brother- I’m really not explaining this well. SO AT THE END, you find out that the middle brother has been imagining the younger brother and the reason why the two older brothers aren’t friends anymore is because the youngest died and the middle one is somewhat to blame and that’s why he imagines him. 

I EXPLAINED THAT REALLY BAD IM SORRY KYUNGSOO EVEN THOUGH YOU WILL NEVER SEE HOW BADLY I WROTE THIS. 

I had ethics and philosophy as well but I spent most of the time just staring at the clock because my lessons were really boring. AND THEN IT WAS DANCE TIME!!!

Jongin and I started to create this duet to the song I was obsessed with called ‘Slip’ by Elliot moss. AND ITS REALLY COOL SO FAR, like we change the tempo of how we dance and AHHH IM SO EXCITED TO FINISH IT. 

After dancing we headed back and I let Jongin shower first (only because I really wanted to call Joohyun and I didn’t want Jongin listening otherwise he would make fun of me for ‘becoming soft’.... I don’t even know what that means!!!). 

I’m too tired to do anything else but lay round, so I think I’m gonna sleep now. WAIT!!! I’m going out with Chanyeol tomorrow and I’m so excited, he hasn’t even told me what we are doing yet!

Quote of the day: “I had a dirty dream about you” said by Baekhyun   
“About me?”  
“Yeah, you were covered in mud because you just finished playing rugby” 

tell me why my mind has turned dirty because I thought he meant DIRTY = SEXUAL 

anyway. 

Oh Sehun.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> What do you guys wanna see more of?? Stuff like sekai? Sebaek?? Chanyeol??? Joohyun?? Jus Sehun being adorbale???
> 
> I have so many ideas oops


	31. 24th January 2018

Dear diary,

So.... my heart stopped working???

So I had a pretty average day, went to lessons and revised with Yixing after (along with Baekhyun who insisted on coming along to my revision lesson to see Jongdae) and after Chanyeol picked me up for ‘the super secret surprise!!’

I hate Chanyeol?? Did I say that. 

We got the train further into London by the London eye and I thought we were going on that,,, but no. We headed to the theatre to see.... the woman in black.

Yes, the woman in black. 

It was the scariest thing I have ever seen in my life. The movie scared me enough and to see it in real life??? Where the woman in black walked passed me and stared into my soul and continued walking? I think not. 

Chanyeol fell off his chair and hit his knee, I laughed at him but I was just as scared. The scariest bit was when the rocking chair fell over and the woman screamed and ughhh my heart just stopped again. 

I don’t think I’ll be able to sleep tonight.

At all. 

When they did the crediting thing where the actors bow all you could see was the woman’s face in the background (I admit I screamed). 

We got the bus back and I was too scared to look out the window and Chanyeol kept laughing, even though he was just as scared as me. 

Even though Chanyeol made my soul leave my body tonight it was really fun!! We had ice cream (it was £4.50 a pot!! As if) and had a little stroll round a part of London I hadn’t seen yet. 

I texted Joohyun about the surprise and she said she would like to see it, and I think she wouldn’t be scared at all because she’s very strong hearted? Is that a saying? I don’t know. She doesn’t scare easily. I don’t think I would see it with hwr her cause I would scream in front of her and that wouldn’t be cool. 

Then texted Jongin to let him know I was on my way home and I was scared (and I said sorry in advance!) and he said he would come meet me at the bus stop so when Chanyeol goes upstairs I don’t have to walk alone and scare myself. 

We met up and we explained the story to him and he got scared just by us explaining it and it was funny to see him flinch when I shouted to scare him. I felt bad though so I told him that I was sorry and that he was lucky he didn’t have to see it. 

We got back and Jongin is still awake now, he started watching the movie? The dummy he won’t sleep tonight. 

I’m gonna go pry my laptop off of him so I don’t have to stay up with him. 

Bye bye!!

Quote of the day: “AHHHHHHHHH” said by me, Chanyeol, the woman in black, and everyone else who knows about the woman in black. 

Oh Sehun.


	32. 25th January 2018

Dear diary,

I wish sleep was something you could control. Like you had a switch on your body and you could be like BOOP sleep time, but no. I didn’t. I wasn’t scared of the woman in black!!! But the thought of a woman in black being in my room to haunt me does scare me. 

I didn’t get much sleep, Jongin woke up about 2 and asked why I was still awake and I said because I couldn’t sleep, and then he held up the covers which means ‘come in my bed’ in Jongin language so I got in his bed. I did fall asleep in the end because Jongin let me sleep closer to the wall and because he’s wider than me (not fat, muscly so his shoulders are currently broader) it was easy to hide behind him because he sleeps on his side. I felt much safer, even if it sounds stupid. Even when Jongin accidentally put his arm on my waist while he was sleeping I still felt safe. 

I still wonder if he remembers the kiss, I’m not sure if he would because he has a low tolerance to alcohol but Jongin is filled with surprises, so who knows. 

I had lessons all day today so I’m extra tired, because I’m filled with extra knowledge and stress ughhhhhh. Brain. Ache. Stress. Sleep.

I didn’t even get to talk to Joohyun today!! I’m writing really late and I don’t wanna text her and wake her up so I’ll have to wait till tomorrow, plus she was in dance class so when I was free she wasn’t. 

Life is hard right? You wouldn’t know cause you’re a book.

Quote of the day: “is three fingers too much?” Said by Baekhyun jokingly but Chanyeol replied “nope! Most people have ten”

Till tomorrow,

Oh sehun

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It’s been a month since I’ve started writing this, thank you for everyone who is still reading and commenting!!
> 
> So far it’s been fun and I’ve really enjoyed it, so let’s hope we can all continue this diary!!


	33. 26th January 2018

Dear diary,

It’s Friday again... time is magical!!!  
It never feels like it’s going fast but the next thing you know another week has passed and you’ll loose track of time. 

It was only a week ago that I met Joohyun, and she’s still lovely and such a great person. Her dance style is much different to mine but I think they match quite well, I wonder if we would ever have the chance to dance together. NOT IN A ROMANTIC OR SEXUAL WAY, just dance. I mean, romantic would be good, but I would just like to see her dance. I think she will look.... I don’t know what word I’m looking for. A word that means something like, she knows what she’s doing and she does it perfectly, like each individual move is etched perfectly into her brain and she performs beautifully and perfectly. Just like Jongin, I think that was she will dance like. 

Speaking of Joohyun, Baekhyun and I were working together tonight and I told Baekhyun about not feeling the fireworks yet, and that I’m not sure if they will come as soon as I thought I would. Baekhyun smiled and told me something like: “loving someone takes time, just like how creating fireworks takes time. One wrong move and it blows up in your face, or the wrong amount of something and it won’t work at all. And once you realise you have fallen in love, it’s like a thousand fireworks go off at once, all exploding in your chest and they make you feel warm. And sometimes that warm feeling becomes cold of jealousy or hate, sometimes it’s so hot and it burns because you love that person so much, but it’s love.”

Baekhyun described it really well, it made me think about how he must of felt like that before towards someone, because his eyes glittered like he was just out of a movie and he smiled so softly it made me wonder if he was as in love with someone right now. It was like he was thinking about someone as he spoke. 

I’m sure if Baekhyun was in love with someone he would tell me, because I’m one of his closest friends and I tell him everything. But then again, I should just be here for Baekhyun, I shouldn’t force him to tell me anything until he’s ready. Maybe it’s that Taeyeon girl still, even though she’s still in South Korea and were in England, and Baekhyun doesn’t do long distance relationships. 

ALSO ITS FRIDAY!!!

So movie night with Jongin and I’m really excited because I think Netflix added some new films and that means we don’t have to rewatch toy story 3 or tangled. 

Anyway, Jongin’s just got out of the shower and I’m prettysurehesgonna

Okay. So if you (not really you because you’re a book) are wondering why I stopped. My dog of a room mate decided to jump on my bed SOAKING WET and rub his wet head and hair all over me, now my covers are damp. 

IM GONNA KILL HIM. 

I’m joking.

Or am I.

No I am joking, I could never kill my best friend. 

;)

IM JOKING.

Okay I’m really going because Jongin’s pouting at me now and I’m taking that as a hint to move to his bed so we can start the movie. 

ADIOS!

Quote of the day: “you mean bupkis to me.” Said by Kyungsoo.  
“What does bupkis mean?” Said by Chanyeol.  
“Nothing.” Said by Kyungsoo.

It’s funny because bupkis means ‘nothing at all.’

OKAY IM GOING.

Bye bye!

Oh Sehun


	34. 27th January 2018

Dear diary,

Saturday... The weekend!!! So no school (even though I basically live in school). 

My bed was still kinda damp from jongin last night so I ended up sleeping with Jongin, and he normally shares the covers but he was hogging them so much last night I could’ve caught a cold!!

I woke him up and was like ‘dude? Share’ and then I don’t think he was fully awake because he ended up just pulling me into a hug and my head was buried into his chest and he smelt like his normal body wash stuff which is like.. mAN SMELL!! But like... a soft man smell. If I could describe it on what it actually smells, and not ‘BLACK’ as it says on the bottle (how can a colour smell? The soap isn’t even black!) it smells like home? I know when I smell that Jongin is near and Jongin is always in our little dorm room so it reminds me of that. I can’t put my finger on what it exactly smells like because its just a mixture of chemicals but yeah, he smells nice. ANYWAY! I was shoved into his chest but I was warm so I couldn’t complain. 

What’s weird though is when we woke up and Baekhyun was laying next to us? 

So, I was sandwiched between Jongin and Baekhyun, and my head was shoved into Jongin’s chest and Baekhyun’s was on my back. So there was no way I could move because both of them have a tendency to cuddle and I’m pretty sure I had Baekhyun’s arms round my chest and Jongin’s round my waist?? They must’ve been dreaming about girls or something because they cuddled close!!!

I was the first awake and I couldn’t wait till baek woke up so I could ask him:  
1\. How he got into our room?  
(His answer was that he has his own magical ways)

2\. Why is he sleeping in a single bed, with two people already in it?  
(His answer was that he was cold and he knows Jongin and I are ‘warm’ which is not true because I’m always cold and Jongin is always warm)

3\. Who is he dreaming about?  
(His answer was no one but I couldn’t believe him even if I tried because he was cuddling me so hard I could’ve suffocated. 

Once everyone was up, Jongin being last, we got dressed (Baekhyun was already dressed so he must’ve come ready) and headed out to eat at a cafe for breakfast.

It was so good??? I’ve never had a full English breakfast before which consists of things like:   
Sausages  
Egg  
Bacon  
Hash browns  
Tomatoes (I have them to Baekhyun)  
Beans

I could’ve died and gone to heaven it tasted too good. Baekhyun had a toastie but picked at my food too, and Jongin also had a full English breakfast but to himself because Baekhyun was bullying me and stealing my food. It’s okay though because next time he has something I like I’ll make sure to ‘borrow’ some.

Baekhyun headed to work after that because he wanted to do a longer shift, he said he needed more money for his savings so Jongin and I went back home. I was only back home for another 3 hours though because I left and met Baekhyun at work and we worked together for the rest of the night. We left about 9 and we both got paid, Baekhyun got much more than me but that’s because he has taken on longer shifts and I don’t have time for that :(

NOW FOR THE BEST NEWS EVER!!!

Joohyun texted me and said that her friend wanted to go on a double date, and since i told her about Jongin being my best friend and room mate she said he could come. So it would be Joohyun and I, and Jongin and Seulgi. 

I’m sure it will be fun, we’re going to the cinema to see ‘The greatest showman’, it’s meant to be really good so I’m hella excited.

Sad, right?

Quote of the day: “Morning stupid”, Said by Baekhyun after he bit my arm when he woke up. 

Oh Sehun

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sebaekai cuddles


	35. 29th January 2018

Dear diary,

My heart is achey breaky, because I’ve never been in a situation like this before.

First of all (I’m gonna get it all out now so I can stress about the rest of my life later), I love the greatest showman. It’s amazing, beautiful, I love it. It’s probably one of my favourite movies now, the sound track is amazing and I’m not going to lie to you, I’ve sat with my earphones in for a while to ignore everyone and just listen to the soundtrack. My favourite song is ‘Rewrite the stars’, which is when Philip (the guy) is saying that they should try and change society and stop following that standard, aka rewriting what has been set by others aka rewriting the stars. AND Anne (the girl) is like we can’t change anything, we’re just two peoplE AHHHH ITS SO GOOD I LOVE IT SO MUCH. 

Okay now stress. 

The date happened today, the double date. 

Jongin and I got ready and we both looked nice, I wore a pair of light stressed jeans and a white shirt with my timberlands, and I put on my puffy black coat cause it’s cold. OH AND MY HAT!! It’s cool. And Jongin wore black jeans with a black turtleneck, and a black bomber jacket and he looked really good??? I’m shook Jongin should become a model and get us both money. 

Anyway, we met up and instantly Jongin and Seulgi got along and it was nice,,, but for some reason I just wanted Jongin to remember I was there haha. Maybe because I’m not used to Jongin being with girls and they could potentially be stealing my best friend away forever, so I have to make sure Seulgi is the right girl for my Jongin.

We saw the movie and I thought we would sit like... Seulgi, Jongin, me and Joohyun so I could still talk to him (yes I’m the evil person who kind of whispers at the cinema unless I’m really interested l, and I was so I didn’t talk!!). But we ended up sitting.... Jongin, Seulgi, Joohyun and then me. He was so far away, and I was like Jonginnnnnnnn, so close yet so far.

Joohyun was really concentrating on the movie and I thought I could try be smooth, and do that thing in the movies where I put my arm around her, but because I’m the biggest idiot I was too interested in the movie too and UGH I MISSED OUT COMPLETELY. 

The movie ended and all of us looked high because we loved it so much and we were all so stoic, then we all just started singing the songs (we tried even though we didn’t know the words) and headed to this pizza place which was really goood ughhh.

Jongin and Seulgi shared a pizza, but because I know Joohyun and I could eat for England we got two separate ones, but I paid for both!!! I’m a baller I know, I’m joking!!! Jeez man. I wrote that like you were attacking me but you can’t judge me or attack me because you are just a book.

What’s weird is Jongin and Seulgi both paid for their own half’s, but I guess different people approach things differently!!

We finished and walked the girls to their dorms, Jongin and Seulgi walked in front and I couldn’t help but see how close they were? They seem to get along really well and maybe Jongin is just one of those people that gets along with everyone but I just i don’t know. My best friend Jongin was happy as it was without me and ughhh I was just waiting for him to turn round so I could be like YEAH HELLO! It’s me! You’re best friend.

It was okay though, because Joohyun and I spoke about when we could try and arrange a time when we could both go dancing together, and I told her what dance I wanted to show her and she said she wanted to show me a piece to the song ‘obvious story’ which Seulgi choreographed and I listened to it when I got home and it’s really good? A lot of websites came up when I typed it in and the singer came out as lesbian and she had to leave her last label, but now she is signed to a new label so I hope to hear more music from her because I like this song. 

When it came time to part I hugged Joohyun goodbye and Jongin and Seulgi high fived, which to me is a very Jongin thing to do because he’s a weirdo and only Jongin after a date would high five his date.

Now for the stress Mcstress.

Once we got home Jongin flopped on his bed and he started crying, and I immediately went to him and hugged him and asked him what was wrong. I can’t remember his exact words, my heart was breaking as he spoke because he sounded so conflicted and scared, hurt too. Jongin said he was trying his hardest to be normal on the date, to find a way to find Seulgi attractive and find a way to like her but he just couldn’t, he really liked her as a friend, but he just knew nothing was going to go further. 

He was crying on my shoulder on the bed and it was a weird position but he seemed to be comfortable so I let him stay like that. He cried and cried and all I could do was comfort him, because I couldn’t tell him it would be okay because I don’t know what the outcome is and I don’t lie. I was there for him, I told him I’ll always love him and be there for him, even when he smells like sweat or forgets to flush the chain. He laughed and it made me happy to see my best friend smile again, it hurts to see him down. 

We stayed like that for a while until Jongin was asleep, and it was awkward because I was sitting with my legs crossed and he was kind of straddling me but was sitting on his own legs? and he was asleep with his head on my shoulder. I couldn’t think of a way out so I slowly slowly slowly laid down and he was still asleep for another or so and he woke up and his cheeks were red and sore from crying, and I just wanted to protect him and show him I care. 

And I kissed his cheeks, both of them. Without giving myself a heads up. It was like my body acted on instinct and I kissed one of his cheeks and then I did it again!! And ugh i did it so slow and softly too. I don’t know why. I don’t know why I did it. After I did it Jongin hugged me tight and stayed like that for a while, I just wanted him to know I was there for him. 

He eventually naturally moved off of me and here we are. Me questioning myself and my instinct as usual, I’m just gonna sleep. Clear my head. Sleeping is kind of like the human version of turning your phone on and off again when it’s broken or isn’t working. I’m not working right now, so I’m gonna turn myself off and on so I work again. 

Quote of the day:  
“No one can rewrite the stars  
How can you say you'll be mine?  
Everything keeps us apart  
And I'm not the one you were meant to find  
It’s not up to you, it’s not up to me  
When everyone tells us what we can be  
How can we rewrite the stars?  
Say that the world can be ours  
Tonight”

My favourite part of the whole movie, I don’t know why, the lyrics are just amazing. 

Oh Sehun.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I will reply to comments soon!!! I’m sorry I haven’t done haha


	36. 29th January 2018

Dear diary,

It’s Monday and ugh. School. Tired. Me.

I didn’t even have that many lessons today but I still stressed haha. 

Today we found out about the Valentine’s Day ball, which I’m really excited about!!! Joohyun’s school is old and has a ballroom? Thing inside of it so they are holding a masquerade ball and it’s gonna be so much fun!! I’m going to ask Joohyun to go with me, because I think she will look amazing all dressed up (not to say that she doesn’t look amazing anyway), so I hope she wants to go with me. 

I’ve spent the whole day with Kyungsoo which is really refreshing. We had English together and then we ate lunch together, except It was like Kyungsoo knew I was going to be with him for lunch and it would be just us two because he made me my favourite type of omelette (Bacon and cheese) and we ate together. It was nice!! 

Then we had Drama and it was really fun too because we’ve changed our idea and we’re basing our play on the murder case of Jon Benet Ramsey so it should be really interesting. We were practising types of physical theatre which is when you are more abstract rather than naturalistic with your acting. 

After that Kyungsoo and I headed back to his dorm room to grab his tooth brush and his uniform for tomorrow because tomorrow our first lesson starts at 11:55am so we decided to have a sleep over. (Without asking Jongin because Kyungsoo holds the title of ‘biggest yet smallest and softest savage in the world). 

OH AND KYUNGSOO’S GLASSES ARE FIXED!!! They took forever to come back from repair but Kyungsoo is no longer squinting all the time so he can see!

We headed back to my room and we sat on my bed, We didn’t really know what we wanted to do so we decided to watch YouTube videos, more specifically cringe videos like the musically ones and edgy teens to see who would laugh first. Obviously it was me but Kyungsoo did wobble one or two times I pROMISE!!

We got bored after a while so we ended up just leaning against my wall and talking about life, Kyungsoo was telling me about his dreams of becoming a composer and singer and I told him I wasn’t sure what I really wanted, except happiness. He said he liked that answer though because “everyone aims for their dream jobs hoping it will give them happiness, not many people search for happiness in everything”.

I’m glad I have Kyungsoo, before I had this diary I used to rely on Kyungsoo a lot to help with my inner mess, I still do now! But Kyungsoo is just amazing. He’s a LIFE SAVER. Before my parents even got this book for me he actually suggested to me to get one, maybe Kyungsoo is actually my dad?? I’m joking. 

Jongin just got home so we’re all gonna watch ‘casting Jon benet’ on Netflix to help with our drama.

Bye bye

Quote of the day: the teacher was asking a question and no one was answering so the boy in front of me in English whispered to his friend “hands up for harambe” and the guy looked so pained as he put his hand up. He’s a true solider. At least he didn’t say... d**ks out for Harambe. Wait. Why did I sensor dick like I’m not the only person who reads this?  
I don’t know

Oh Sehun

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Could you guys recommend me fanfics?? Preferably exo or shinee haha I can’t seem to find any
> 
> Thank you to @JabberwalkE for the ball idea!! I’m very excited


	37. 30th January 2018

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I had this idea roughly already, but @JabberwalkE ‘s idea helped me develop mine more so thank you again!!

Dear diary,

Work was eventful.

I had a pretty chill today to start with, the three of us woke up and got ready for school, Jongin left the earliest becuase he had a lesson before us, then me and Kyungsoo left for drama and we made our first scene which is pretty cool, it has flash lights and stuff in it. 

Then came work....

It was all okay till about five when this woman who was quite old came in and she seemed nice at first and I served her. She started to be really rude at me and was snapping her fingers at me and calling me stupid when I didn’t know she needed four sugars for her tea? When were only meant to give three to each customer.

I think Baekhyun could tell I was getting upset by it because he kept asking if I was okay and if he wanted me to let him cover that table. Obviously I said no because she can’t hurt me by just calling me a few names and deliberately trying to upset me but Baekhyun kept asking anyway. 

Once I had to serve her food she ordered me to get her more water and said ‘don’t mess it up like my last drink fag’ and it was the first time which really hurt me, I got her the drink and I was about to give it to her but Baekhyun took the drink from my hands and told me he was gonna handle it. Then he went and passed her the drink and said she should stop harassing ‘our workers’ which meant me. 

She started shouting and Baekhyun shouted back and my heart started racing faster and I knew it was all my fault. I shouldn’t of told Baekhyun, I shouldn’t of made a scene. Baekhyun was getting shouted at and it was getting really loud and customers were looking and I could feel the tears coming and I think Baekhyun picked up on me coming close to a panic attack because he pulled me out of the main restaurant area to the back where we come for our breaks and I started crying. 

I don’t think I was crying because of what she said, I think it was more because it was my fault that the situation happened. And even when I wanted to stop crying they kept falling. Our manager came and asked for Baekhyun and he left, I had stopped crying by then but I still felt like my heart was aching. 

He came back and he was putting on his fake smile, I could tell because it’s different from his normal happy rectangular smile so he was hiding something, it’s normally sadness or anger. And In this situation it could’ve been both. 

Baekhyun said that he had been sent home for the rest of the day, and that I could leave too if I didn’t feel up to working and I started crying again because it was all my fault. I could stop apologising and even now I don’t feel like I said it enough. Baekhyun got ready and left and he said it wasn’t my fault but it was, he told me he would meet me at my dorm once I finished working. The woman was asked to leave so once I came back she wasn’t there, and I spent the rest of the night in the kitchen and cleaning which was better than talking to customers. 

Once I could leave my manager pulled me aside and said next time there is a problem I should go to him first, not Baekhyun because he now knows Baekhyun isn’t ‘professional about that type of situation.’

When I left the restaurant Jongin was standing outside and his nose was red, he looked cold. He said that Baekhyun told him what happened and he didn’t want me to walk home alone. I was happy because it didn’t give me time to over think anymore, but it made me sad because yet again people were running round after me to make me happy and I felt like I was a bad friend. 

We didn’t speak much and when I got home Baekhyun was already sitting in my bed and he looked angry still, but once we looked up at me he seemed happier. 

I ended up spending the rest of the night laying on my bed hugging Baekhyun and thanking him for being so kind, and saying sorry for being so stupid. He tried to convince me that I was wrong but I knew I was the one to blame for the situation. Having Baekhyun to cuddle is relaxing, because he’s the right size and he doesn’t fidget much, also he knows when I have my hair played with (as stupid as it sounds) it relaxes me. It was even better when Jongin jumped on us and we all had a cuddle. It was comforting. 

Baekhyun has to leave because it was getting late and I didn’t want to cause him anymore trouble, Jongin had ended up falling asleep so I just left him on my bed because I’m sure our heating is broken so it made sense to share a bed. 

I’m at my desk writing this now and Ive been thinking, would I do the same thing if Baekhyun was in my situation? Run to his defence if someone was being rude? And even though I’m lanky, and id like to think no bad bones in my body, yes. I would help him. I don’t think I could let anything ever happen to Baekhyun. Or Jongin. Or Joohyun!!! 

I think I could be mean if my friends were in trouble. For sure. Watch me turn into a badass. 

Anyway, I’m cold and Jongin looks much more warmer and cuddlier? Than usual so it’s time for me to get into bed. 

Night night!

Quote of the day: “I got a pocket- got a pocket full of reasons to die” Sang by Kyungsoo as he walked into theatre because he wanted to be sleeping instead of acting for once? Kyungsoo is a changed man after staying up till 3am to watch movies.

Bye bye!

Oh Sehun

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for 200 comments!!! I’ll start replying tomorrow I pinky promise...


	38. 31st January 2018

Dear diary,

Let the wars between Kyungsoo and Chanyeol begin.   
Today at lunch time I could’ve cried I was laughing so hard, Chanyeol and Kyungsoo kept savaging each other and obviously Kyungsoo won but Chanyeol chucked a orange slice at him and Kyungsoo went “hit me one more time with an orange slice and I will make sure the last thing you see in your life is two orange slices being shoved into your eyeballs”. Very angry but Jongin, Tao and I couldn’t stop laughing because Kyungsoo was staring Chanyeol down and Chanyeol ended up tackling him with a hug and was like STOP BEING MEANN IM JUST JOKINg. 

Kyungsoo rolled his eyes at him and it was really funny because he moved his lunch on top of Chanyeol’s head and used him as a table, and once he finished he used his chopsticks to pinch his cheeks and Chanyeol over exaggeratedly screamed and pretended to die. 

After all that we all headed to our lessons, except me and Baekhyun cause we headed to my revision lesson even though Baekhyun didn’t need to come. Once we arrived Junmyeon was there and I was super excited because he’s like my idol? What’s that word for when you look up to someone. ROLE MODEL. He’s my role model. I’d like to be like him. 

He even remembered my name so I was really excited and he was just leaving which sucked, but he took philosophy (also music, maths, philosophy and science which is physics, chemistry and biology. MEANING HES SMART!!) and said that he would like to tutor me too sometime because Yixing said I was a good student. So me, a Junmyeon enthusiast, was over the moon. 

Once he left Baekhyun and I sat as usual (me and baek on one side of the table and Baekhyun doing his work and me facing Yixing), and we revised and I actually felt like I learnt more than usual today??? I even felt motivated enough to do revision notes when I got back to my dorm room. 

Baekhyun wanted to get involved after a while and Yixing suggested I tried to teach ‘Thomas Aquinas cosmological argument’ and I did and Yixing scored me 70% because he’s really strict but he gave me a list of what I needed to include next time!!! So I was excited because I normally get 60-65% so I’m getting better. It’s also a confidence boost because Yixing marks me extra hard so In tests in class I score higher like 90-100% because of Yixing’s help. 

THANK YOU YIXING!!! Not that he will ever see this. 

We ended up finishing and Yixing asks why Baekhyun came again and Baekhyun said it’s because Jongdae is Baekhyun’s favourite second year (even though he wasn’t there) and Yixing pretended to be hurt and was all sad about it and Baekhyun tackled him with a hug and was like IM SORRYYYYYY. 

Once I got home I did my revision notes, then me and Jongin did some online shopping for suit ideas, I bought some smart shoes and a red tie because Joohyun is wearing a red dress. I also bought a red mask which looked really cool, it’s black with loads of red detail and I sent it too Joohyun and she’s getting one similar coincidentally which is cool. 

Jongin and Baekhyun are going together, and I think they are going in all black, so black tie and shirt and suit, OH AND MASK. I wish we could go as the three musketeers but I’m really excited to be going with Joohyun, I might even have the chance to kiss her!!!

Anyway I’ll be off to sleep cause I’ve fixed the heating (turns out it was just turned off) and I can’t wait to sleep hehe. 

Quote of the day: “UHHHHHHHHH NO” by Roz when she was telling Tao off for being late to class.

Oh Sehun.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is the mask that Sehun bought!!
> 
> https://www.etsy.com/listing/502791884/mens-black-mask-red-macrame-lace-red-and


	39. 1st February 2018

Dear diary,

I feel special, and curious, and every other emotion you can get when receiving a secret love letter. 

I came home from work just now and I found the letter by the door, so someone must have slid it under the door as it didn’t get to far. I was going to ask Jongin if he had noticed it but he was fast asleep so I couldn’t do that ugh. I don’t recognise the writing, but most of my friends write in their native languages unless we’re told not to, or if it’s homework so the teachers can read it. 

This is what it said:

‘Sehun,  
I don’t know how to tell you this but I’ve loved with you for a very, very long time.   
Your laugh, your smile, your lips, your lisp.   
A warmness that radiates from you that I cannot reach yet, not reach how I want to.   
One day I hope to hold your hand, and to love you. I can only hope.   
From,  
x’

I fell flattered but, It’s made me think of who it could be. Eliminating my friend group so Baekhyun, Tao, Jongin, Chanyeol and Kyungsoo, the only people that could be left are... uhhhh... Jimin? Taemin? Yixing? Jongdae? Maybe Joohyun got it in somehow. I’m not sure, I’d like to figure out though? Like a detective!!!! Maybe I’ll tell Kyungsoo because he’s smart and he will be able to help me find clues and stuff like that.   
Hopefully soo will help me!!!

I’m too tired to write about much more because my hands ache from work, ughhhhh.

Goodnight diary!!

Quote of the day: “T-t-Tao in the house!” Said by Tao as he entered the dance hall. 

“J-j-Jongin out” as Jongin pretended to run out. 

Bye bye!

Oh Sehun

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Who do you think it is!!!


	40. 2nd January 2018

Dear diary,

I played detective today...

I actually looked at what the note said about 100 times, and I realised only a few people have mentioned they liked my list. My suspects were: 

Baekhyun   
Jongin  
Tao  
Taemin  
Yixing 

So i started my investigation, in a sneaky way!!!! I knew I was gonna see Baekhyun, Jongin and Tao at lunch, but I was going to question Jongin later because its easier to target fewer people at once. 

I asked Baekhyun “do you still like my lisp?” And he was like OF COURSE!! And then I said “do you want to hold my hand?” And he laughed at me and said I was a weirdo :( but a couple minutes later he moved closer and held my hand so I was like OH MY GOD BAEKHYUN IS X!!! But then I laughed because Tao chocked on a grape and Baekhyun I sounded like a hyena and a whale crossbred. Thanks Baekhyun. So I took him off my list because x said they liked my laugh, and Baekhyun doesn’t so??? I had one less suspect. 

Tao was my next suspect but he backed Baekhyun’s idea of the hyenwhale laugh so he was off my list too. 

I knew if I spent a little longer in the dance room I would bump into Taemin, but it was harder to approach him because we’re not as close as I am with my other friends, I would like to be!!! He’s awesome and a really good dancer he could be professional. 

When he came I asked if we could dance together for a bit and he agreed, then after a while I asked if my lisp was obvious and he laughed and said he completely forgot about it, and then he said the last time he remembered hearing my lisp properly was when I got my braces tightened. 

A person who specifically wrote about my lisp in a letter would definitely not forget about it!!! So Taemin was also off my list. 

I had Yixing and Jongin left, but I already took Yixing off by then because there’s no way he could like me, because I think he likes Jongdae and called me a little brother so, Case closed!!!

By the time I got home after my lessons me and Jongin just got given course work to do from ethics, we’re gonna help each other so we were explaining our ideas to each other and then I went to say ‘intrinsically’ And he laughed and said my lisp sounded cute and I was like WOW RED FLAG!!! Or red something?? The phrase you say when you’re signalling something!! That saying. 

I asked him if he liked my lisp, and he said of course, then I asked if he wanted to hold my hand and he looked confused and said something like ‘I only like to hold your hands at certain times, so not right now’ and I think if it was him who was x he would’ve said yes, but he was still a suspect so I asked him one last question which was “do you remember what happened between us on your birthday?”

He confused again, where he pouts out his lip slightly and tilts his head to the side. Like a puppy. He said not really, apart from Baekhyun stripping. And I said after the party, and he shook his head. I was disappointed because it means my first kiss was forgotten by its okay!!! It means I can tick Jongin off my suspect list. 

Now I have.... no one. 

We carried on with our course work and we thought it would be fun to act upon one of the laws that were studying, which is kantian law. 

I’ll explain it more tomorrow but Jongin is falling asleep and Baekhyun texted me now and said he wants me to quickly sneak to his room, it’s Friday anyway so I’ll probably sleep over. I asked nini if he wanted to come but he said he was too tired to even stand up, so I’m leaving him (bye Felicia).

Quote of the day: “I can’t find my phone!! Have you seen it?” Said by Taemin who was holding his phone in his hand. What’s funny is that he said earlier that his friend bought him a phone bag thing which he could attach to things so he wouldn’t lose his phone but apparently it’s not Taemin proof because he kept swinging round above his head and it broke and his phone went flying. 

OKAY BYE!!

Oh Sehun

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Do you think Sehun is playing a good detective?


	41. 3rd January 2018

Dear diary,

Again!!!

All I seem to be talking about is this x confession person but it’s happened again!! I’ll start from the beginning. 

So I woke up at Baekhyun’s after our movie session where we stayed up till three (not our smartest idea). Baekhyun was heading to work early so I texted Kyungsoo about detective work, our convo was funny so I wanna write it out so when I read my diary I can laugh again. 

Me: sooooooo  
Soo: it’s 8:52am  
Me: yes, and it’s also Saturday!  
Soo: you’re lucky you’re adorable or I would’ve only replied to tell you you’re dead  
Me: I guess I am lucky!  
Me: are you busy today?  
Soo: depends on who’s involved, and what we’re doing?  
Me: only me!! And detective work?  
Soo: I’m in as long as I’m Sherlock  
Me: and I’ll be your Watson

He said he was heading over so I had to somehow beat him from the floor above to my room, whereas he only had to walk six doors down because were room 6 and he’s 12. And it wasn’t easy because baekhyunnie knows I’m competitive and he was holding onto my arm and trying to stop me running!! He was holding onto his door frame and my arm and I literally had to pull with all my might to get away, and he thought it was really funny. It was kinda. We both got to the door and when I saw Kyungsoo he was holding a letter!!

I was like “YOU’RE X” and then he tapped me lightly on the head and told me I was stupid. Then he handed me it because it was addressed to me and then I opened the door and he sat on my bed, and I followed him.

I explained the situation and he asked to see the note, I told him the detective work I had done and he seemed to understand. Then I opened the next note...

‘Dear my Sehun,  
My mother used to tell me that at the end of your life, all you will see is a single star. I’m hoping you’re my one.  
From yours truly,  
X’

Kyungsoo said it was cringey and pretended to throw up, but I couldn’t help but feel something happening in my heart. Something was truly pulling on my heart strings, so I decided to call it X. Feeling X didn’t hurt but Kyungsoo said I was blushing and that I was sappy. I guess I am!! It’s a different feeling I get when I’m with Baekhyun, Joohyun or Jongin, it’s similar to Joohyun’s but not the same. Even with the feeling, it still doesn’t solve my mystery of person x.

Kyungsoo and I brain stormed for a bit and we made a list of who we should investigate, and how. 

We ruled of Kyungsoo, only after I investigated him. Then we ruled of Chanyeol because before he moved to this school he lived with his uncle and auntie, not his parents as they unfortunately passed away when Chanyeol was only a baby. He’s very strong, it’s something I admire about him. (And why I give him endless love because he deserves it.)

We also ruled out Jongin because Jongin’s written English is close to unreadable, but getting better!!!! Well, Kyungsoo says it isn’t but he’s a big (small) old meanie. 

See Kyungsoo’s is a lot better than this then me, he’s using actual knowledge!! I tried though and that’s all that matters.  


But, with Kyungsoo’s work I’m scared that we will actually figure this out. I know I’m not the smartest sometimes, I knew if I tried to solve this it would take forever. Now with Kyungsoo I feel like we’re actually getting things done I’m scared. 

Especially if it’s someone who I love, love as in love as a friend. I don’t want to lose a friend, it was break my heart and it will never unbreak. All my friends mean so much to me, and I’d hate to loose any one of them. 

And even with this all, and I find out who it is, I still feel like I could date Joohyun. Joohyun has made me happy since the day I met her and even though I’m waiting for that final firework feeling I want to make her happy and smile whenever I can, I still want to be here for her. Which leads to my next worry.

What does Joohyun even think of me? I’m pretty sure she thinks of me more than just a friend, and I feel that way to her too. But, what happens if she finds out she doesn’t like one thing about me, or doesn’t like me at all after I could potentially ask her out. If we’ve been on dates, it means we’re dating, but neither of us have clarified it, and it scares me.

Not in the way of I don’t want to date her! I do! I’m just scared that she turns me down, or that when she does accept me I don’t feel as strongly as she does for me, or other way round. 

Relationships are scary, maybe I’ll just date myself and forget about feelings all together. 

After Kyungsoo and I finished our detective work, I needed to head to work, actual work :( 

Baekhyun was there and I like working with him, because he makes the time fly faster. He had been working since 11 and only had 6 hours sleep so I tried to pull some of his weight too so he didn’t get too tired, teamwork makes the dream work. Baekhyun finished at 8, and we close at 9 so he stayed around so we could go home together.

It felt like today’s walk was slower, I thought Baekhyun was tired so I offered him a piggy back ride but he laughed and said I was too weak to carry him. (I do have muscles I’m just hiding them for now). 

We got home eventually and Jongin was already asleep and he looked so squishy so Baekhyun and I squeezed his cheeks. Baekhyun went back to his room and here I am.

I’ve put the two notes in the back of my diary, along with my mums note and a few other things. 

I’m hoping that I can figure things out soon, for the sake of me not stressing anymore.

Quote of the day: “I wanna be a cowboy baeeeby” Said by one of my coworkers quoting a vine.

Bye bye

Oh Sehun


	42. 4th February 2018

4th   
Video call with Joohyun   
Calls mum and she gives advice about following your heart  
Questioning feelings and sexuality

Dear diary,

Today was good!!!

I got to video call Joohyun and my mum and ahahahahahahehehheej I loved it all!!!

Joohyun and I video called and we spoke for 4 hours???? And it was honesty amazing! I can’t even remember what we spoke about but all I remember was her kissing the camera before she hung up and it made me laugh a lot because it was very out of character for her, but it was cute! 

She told me about a dance competition coming up and how she was going to enter the piece that Seulgi made for her so I’m excited to see it, because I can buy a ticket to watch so I definitely will. 

About 5 minutes later I called my mum and honestly I miss physically being able to talk to her, and to hug her and flick her and annoy her. Before my family became busy-busy and never together, my mum used to be my best friend and we did EVERYTHING together. She even told me off for replacing her with Jongin... but she loves Jongin!!! And the rest of my friends. 

She says that Baekhyun has a cheeky face and always looks like he’s up to trouble, one time I was calling her and Baekhyun stole my phone and spoke to her!!! He is always up to something. But... even including me, Kyungsoo is her favourite? 

It’s not fair, I’m sure she checks up on him more then she does on me. As soon as I pick up the phone and she asks if I’m okay, it’s “Hows Kyungsoo? Any new recipes? Has he grown? Are his cheeks still round? How’s his music going?” It’s like HI MUM I AM YOUR SON!!!! I’m glad she likes him so when she meets all my friend she can love them all.

Anyway I’m really tired, a 4 hour call with Joohyun and a 6 hour (My mum had a day off today and she wanted to catch up with me) call with my mum really knocked me out. 

Wow I didn’t write much at all today... maybe I’ve spoken everything I needed to write in here to my mum haha. 

Quote of the day: “I want to squeeze Chanyeol’s cheeks, do you think I’d be able to reach?” My mum asks at the height of 5’ ft, I had to let her down lightly. 

Oh Sehun


	43. 5th February 2018

Dear diary,

I’m so tired ugh. Achey? My body is just achey.

Today I didn’t have that many lessons so Kyungsoo, Chanyeol and I met up to go to a coffee shop near our dorms which is really nice and it’s really cute inside. 

Kyungsoo paid for my drinks since last time we went I bought ours, and Chanyeol felt left out so Kyungsoo told him to suck it up and buy his own drink (Kyungsoo ended up buying him a drink.)

We spoke forever and i only realised today how much Chanyeol and Kyungsoo ‘argue’ with each other. It’s been some time since it was just the three of us and theY WOULDN’T STOP ARGUING AT ALL!!

Wether it was about what drink to order, if the chicken came before the egg or whatever came into conversation. I felt like a third wheel to an old married couple who now love hate each other :( BUT ITS OKAY!! We had a lot of fun and they were telling me about how they are thinking about composing a song together and I said as soon as they finish it I’ll make a dance to it with Jongin and Tao!!

We came home about 20 minutes ago and Jongin was waiting for me to come home so we could watch this movie called ‘the scorch trials’ which was the sequel to ‘the maze runner’ because the last movie came out and we’re gonna see it soon!!!

So I’m gonna go then, Jongin is glaring at me and I think I’m gonna get hit once I jump on his bed. 

Quote of the day: “And im peppa pig!”, Said by Tao as he walked passed and oinked in my ear. 

It scared me...

BYE BYE!!!

Oh Sehun

 

 

So....

I’m back already and it’s not even tomorrow. 

Jongin and I were laying in bed all warm and enjoying the movie, and then I heard something slide under the door and I realised what it was so I ran out of bed and opened the door and no one was in the hallway. 

SO CLOSE!!! I’m still not sure if I want to know... 

Jongin seemed alarmed and I told him everything was fine and he should continue watching the movie. So he did and I read the letter...

‘Dear my handsome Sehun,

You still don’t know who I am... but my heart still beats only for you.   
I hope you learn to love me one day as much as I love you. 

From yours truly,  
X’

I don’t know who it is, but I got x feeling again and it’s making me worry because I don’t want to hurt anyone. 

What do I do?

I don’t know. 

Oh Sehun

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ISSA MYSTERY!!


	44. 6th February 2018

Dear Diary,

Work tired me the heck out. It wasn’t that busy so we ended up doing a really deep clean and me and Baekhyun were able to speak more and we were talking about the Valentine’s Day ball he and he told me... he has a crush!!!!

I knew he was talking about someone and i felt super trustworthy??? Happy??? That Baekhyun told me he liked someone I don’t know if it makes sense. 

So I asked who it was and he laughed and started describing her to me. These are the things I remember: 

\- cute face, but serious   
\- Tall  
\- Black hair   
\- Younger than him   
\- “Stole his heart and won’t give it back and it’s unfair”

I remember when Baekhyun showed me a picture of Taeyeon, she didn’t seem tall from the picture but who knows how tall she is, she also had black hair and she’s pretty in my eyes. 

I’m confused because I thought Baekhyun broke up with her because the distance was too big, but I guess you can’t just turn off your emotions. I don’t want Baekhyun to get hurt and I think if he got in a relationship with her when she’s still at wherever he would hurt more than feel love. Plus he’d be on the phone alllll the time and that would leave no time for his best friend AKA ME. I’m joking....

So because he wouldn’t give me a name and told me it was obvious and I’m just silly, I concluded it was Taeyeon and continued with my work, and then this customer came in and she looked like a character from a movie??

She was about 20ish and she had hair which was dyed red and black, except the left side of her head was red and the right side was red. And she had a lot of piercings and it was so cool and ugh she just seemed really awesome I wanted to talk to her. 

She ordered a strawberry milkshake and three cheeseburgers so you would think she was waiting for her friends to come right?? NO!!! She ate all three for herself and I literally wanted to just tell her she’s my queen and I want to be her. 

Baekhyun seemed to be just as mesmerised (I only learnt how to spell that today) as I was and he said that one day he was gonna get his tongue pierced and I was like NOOOOO cause he sings and I’m not saying people with tongue piercings can’t sing but he will get a lisp and won’t be able to sing while it heals and it’s really nice to hear him just sing subconsciously or whatever while we’re just chilling in my room. 

So I was like NOOOOO DONT DO THAT!!! And he laughed at me and said that I wouldn’t have a say and that I should get a piercing too, which made me think and I was like “I don’t know where” and Baekhyun was like GET UR TONGUE!! UR NOSE!!!! he was just saying random body parts so I left him while kept cleaning. 

Ugh.

I don’t want to write this. 

but I’m gOING TO DO ANYWAY.

Right now I’m just imagining Baekhyun with a tongue piercing and I thought I would hate it but... it would look really good on him? Especially when he’s singing??? Like no gay intended but imagine kissing someone with a tongue piercing??? NOT BAEKHYUN,, it just be hot. 

ANYWAY ANYWAY ANYWAY....

Joohyun texted earlier a clip of her dancing and it’s so pretty she’s so graceful... I wish I could dance gracefully.

Jongin wants to sleep and is giving me his normal pouty look which I can’t say no to so I’m gonna sleep and turn off the lights.

Quote of the day: “if we could have a class pet -“ Said by Jongin 

“Don’t even finish that sentence, it won’t happen” by our Ethics teacher who shut him down soon as possible. 

Oh Sehun

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Baekhyun with a tongue piercing is my kink I mean what


	45. 7th February 2018

Dear diary,

DANCING WAS AMAZING TODAY!!!!

I was dancing on my own until Taemin turned up and it was so much fun! He’s such a good dancer and he was showing me this new dance he was creating called ‘Move’ and ugh i just wish I could dance like he did. 

We got lunch together and we shared a sandwich cause neither of us was really hungry, but Taemin was telling me about he’s friends with Jimin and that’s when we decided us three and Jongin were going to make a dance group, because we would be awesome. 

We went back to dance but ended up making dance moves to memes and it was really funny because Taemin was like “I have the power of God and anime on my side!!! ahHHHHHH” And he somehow made it look graceful. I almost cried it was so funny. 

Taemin had a lesson so I headed back to my dorm and Jongin was so we decided to get out the board game trivial pursuit and used the kids deck because we were too tired to use our brains. It was fun!! Jongin won (I let him win) and to celebrate he decided to take Nini (the bear) off my bed and stole him so I don’t have Nini right now, but he’s with Hunnie (the duck) so he’s safe. 

Once we finished Kyungsoo came in and he was holding a letter and asked me to come into the hallway so I thought he was x and I got really scared because I don’t want to loose him, ever. 

When I got out he said he wouldn’t help me with detective work anymore, and handed me the letter. When I asked why he said that he’s not Cupid and he’s not allowed to interfere with peoples feelings and love, and he doesn’t have a place to tell....

So Kyungsoo knows. It’s starting to feel really real now, X is a real person. I’m worried. I don’t know if I want to find out. 

Kyungsoo said he wanted to go to the music block so he left and I went back in and opened the letter and it said 

‘Dear my prince,

I wish you wanted me like I want you, I’m too scared to tell you how I feel, but I’m sure you know how much I love you Sehun. Here’s a song that reminds me of you,

Better together - Jack Johnson 

From yours truly,  
X’

I listened to the song and it’s from one of my favourite childhood movies Curious George, and it’s a really nice song and I got feeling x again. 

Jongin tried to jump on me and see the letter but I wouldn’t let him. 

I don’t know I could tell anyone else but the people I have, which is just Kyungsoo and I think I accidentally slipped it to Baekhyun, and Jongin has seen me receive a letter twice now. 

I’m worried. 

Quote of the day: “how about I start doing the choreography I made for move while reciting the opening to the bee movie?” Said by Taemin

Oh Sehun

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Kyungsoo knows!!!


	46. 8th February 2018

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this chapter sucks :(

Dear diary,

School today was hella fun, I basically hung out with Taemin when I could and it turns out he’s a weirdo just like me. We went to this assembly together and he randomly pulled out this fidget spinner and was doing stuff with it and I thought,,, what are you doing you dork???

I think Jongin will really like him, they haven’t spoken much but once they get friendly I’m sure they will be great friends, and we can add Taemin to our friendship group!!!

Work was tiring because I was working on my own from 2-5 then we... had... a new worker!!!!

His name is Minho and he’s tall but not tall like me!! I had to teach him stuff but he was a really good person to teach and we get along well!!! I really like him and he said he likes basketball and said I would make a good player, so when he’s next at basketball practise he was gonna let me come. 

Working with him made time go quicker and as soon as you know it, the shift was over!!! So I hope Minho gets the job because we get along well haha. 

When I got home Jongin was sleeping but on my bed??? (He was using my MacBook and probably didn’t want to move it off my bed) And he was wearing one of my hoodies and no gay intended but he looked really cute it killed me to see my best friend looking soft. I wanted to wake him up and tell him to move off my bed but I couldn’t,,, so now I’m writing at my desk and I’m ready to go sleep ASAP because I’m cold and Jongin is most likely warm. 

The plan is to steal his warmth, I’m hoping it goes to plan. 

BYE BYE!!!

Quote of the day: uhhhh... I’m trying to think of one. WAIT!!! “Dibidibithis mY NAME IS MINHO!!” Said by Minho as we were cleaning. 

Bye bye,

Sehun!


	47. 9th February 2018

Dear diary,

It’s so late tonight!! It’s currently 12 and I’ve only just got home.

It was as the the last day of term before we have a week break so there was a pancake sale at school, and then the best thing that came to my life... a pancake rACE??? That came out of nowhere. 

Xuimin and Luhan (the head houses of Tantony and Ailbhe) we’re frying pancakes and then they started to race each other in who could make most, and then Junmyeon can’t lose to anyone so joined in and then Yifan started too and then ALL of the house captains were making loads of pancakes... 

Let’s just say we shouldn’t let the head of houses, who are very competitive, in charge of making pancakes in the cafeteria. Over 50 pANCAKES!! Per captain... 

It was so Bad. Well not really. Cause I had loads. 

After school Baekhyun, Jonginnie and I weNT suit shoPPING AND WOW MY BOYS LOOKED SO GOOD??? In all black suits,,, damn. I took about 100 pics of them so they felt as good as they looked. 

We all bought our suits, (i got a black suit so trousers, waist coat and jacket, a white shirt and a dark red tie to match Joohyun), and we’re 100% poorer than usual :(

Once I got home I had texts from Joohyun saying that she just bought her dresses too and I wanted to see but she said it was a surprise, and also my maSK CAME!!! 

Joohyun’s is coming tomorrow ahhhhh this is all feeling so real and cool I’m so excited. 

Anyway, the three musketeers are gonna have a movie night so Jongin AND Baekhyun are both staring at me angrily, which is normally just Jongin. GOTTA BLAST.

Quote of the day: I asked Baekhyun and he said “Sehun loves Baekhyun the most because he’s got cool shoes” pointing to his new vans which are checkered and I really like them. But Jongin just went “no write Sehun loves Jongin the best because I don’t kill him when he steals my clothes”. 

Two quotes today!!  
Bye bye

OH SEHUN!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you guys like this!!


	48. 10th February 2018

Dear diary,

Lazy days are the best days, especially when you get the day off!!! 

I wanted Taemin and Jongin to get closer so I texted Taemin and told him to bring some pjs over to my room and have a lazy day with me and Jongin, and he was down for it so in a couple of minutes Taemin was in our room already in pjs (meaning he walked from his room to mine in his bunny pyjamas and matching slippers) and food in his hands. 

We started binge watching the hunger games movies and Taemin and I cried when Rue died, and then jongin comforted us and then made fun of us. Jokes on him because he cried later on and we made fun of him too. 

On the last movie Taemin and Jongin were talking about what they would do if they were in the hunger games, and I think if all three of us were in it Jongin would get quite far, Taemin would die by loosing something which he needs and I wouldn’t get too far because I don’t want to kill anyone. 

I had the day off because Baekhyun wanted to cover my shift and I know he wanted more money so I let him, he’s such a good person and so hard working?? Why does no one appreciate him like I do,,, he deserves everything. 

I hope his valentine treats him like I do or I’m suing them, for abuse. 

Anyway, Taemin and Jongin want to sneak to the dance studio and work on stuff so I’ve gotta go, bye bye!

Quote of the day: “plot twist, Hunger games is actually a game where you just eat” By Taemin as he shoved like 193793 crisps in his mouth. 

Oh Sehun


	49. 11th January 2018

DEAR DIARY!!!!

My heart... ouch. 

Today,, was a good today. 

Today Joohyun and I met up to go to the park, but she made us a picnic and it was all so cute like there was strawberries and sandwiches hehe. it was adorable I was like can I squish your cheeks?? I think she would’ve killed me if I did that so I just didn’t haha.

Anyway we sat in Hyde Park and ate our picnic and I just felt like today was a good day, and my heart was happy. So... it felt right to ask her to date me?

I know the firework feeling comes in time and I hope it comes soon, but I felt like we would be a good couple. She said yes and she hugged me and it was a just really cute moment between us and mentally I took a picture in my head. 

We walked home and it sounds really childish but we held hands!!! It was the first thing that we really done like... couple-ly minus the dates haha. 

I walked her back to the dorms but it was really windy and cold so I gave her my jacket and she looked really small but it was funny. 

I ran home and I was in such a good mood and it felt like nothing could bring me down... till I got home haha..

I found another letter. It was by the door and Jongin wasn’t in because he was sleeping over Taemin. So I was alone with this letter and I decided not to open it. 

I want to be serious about Joohyun, I want the fireworks.

It’s the first time I’m spending a night alone since Jongin left for home so I’m a bit lonely. I kind of don’t want to stop writing. Baekhyun was working so I didn’t bother him with making him sleep over, and Kyungsoo and Chanyeol and Tao and everyone else is probably sleeping. 

But I’m tired so I’m just gonna sleep. 

Goodnight!!!

Wait 

Quote of the day: “why wouldn’t I date a giant with a lisp?” Said by Joohyun when she said yes to me dating her haha

Oh Sehun   
A not single man :)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please don’t stop reading because the exo ships aren’t happening right now!!! 
> 
> The ball is happening and I have a lot planned for other ships too... don’t forget about me because there’s another ship happening atm


	50. 12th January 2018

Dear Diary,

I think today could’ve gone better, but I’m still okay!! 

I woke up alone and I forgot Jongin was away at Taemins, ALSO I FORGOT TO SAY ITS HALF TERM SO WE DONT HAVE ANY SCHOOL TILL MONDAY WHOOP WHOOP!!

I showered and I had a little pamper day and my skin feels great now. I just put on my face mask and my favourite pyjamas when Jongin came back to our dorm, and his hair was all messy and he looked like he’d been up all night... which was was.

It turned out him and Taemin had a competitive game of sims 4? How do you even manage that? It’s not possible. Jongin said it was the person to make the best house and accurate sim of themselves. 

I still hadn’t told anyone about Joohyun and I and even though it’s not a big deal she is my first girlfriend and I was excited to tell my best friend.

Jongin flopped onto my bed and he was basically on my lap (I had my back to the wall and his head was on my lap) and I was petting his head and I told him about my date yesterday with Joohyun and how I asked her out and he immediately sat up and was like ‘WHAT?’ And it wasn’t like a ‘OMG WHAT IM HAPPY!’ It was a ‘OH MY GOD WHAT? IM WORRIED?’ Type of what. 

I said that I asked her out because I think we would make a good couple and he did his fake smile which hurt because I don’t want to make my best friend fake smile around me. I asked him why he was fake smiling and he said he didn’t want to lose his best friend and that I shouldn’t become one of those boyfriends that become obsessed with their girlfriend.

It still feels weird calling Joohyun my girlfriend but I think that’s something you get used to over time. 

Jongin said he’s gonna be the #1 supporter of Sejoo?? If that’s how you spell it. And I was thankful and then I asked about him and Seulgi and it turned out they had met up once more after the double date. 

Jongin said that he knows he doesn’t feel anything towards her, and that there was things that he wasn’t allowed to say (even if I’m his best friend) because secrets are secrets. 

They’ve been dancing together and I was jealous because I wanted to dance with Joohyun, but I’m happy for jongin!!!

I was going to tell Baekhyun because Jongin took it well, so I left my face mask and my pjs on while I went upstairs to Baekhyun’s dorm and when I got there he wasn’t there, and then I remembered he was at work which was embarrassing because his roommate answered the door like... Sehun what do you want?? 

And then I remembered I was wearing a green face mask and my froggie pjs I must’ve looked cRAZy!! I told him to tell Baekhyun I popped over and that he should text me when I get home, and then he said that if I wanted to leave messages for my husband I needed to text him???

HusBAND???

I’m dating Joohyun tut tut I can’t be Baekhyun’s husband anymore. Not that I was his husband in the first place. Or Jongin’s. 

I’ll tell him tomorrow because I think he’s meant to be coming over (I haven’t seen him in forever I’m gonna cry 5 tears) . I hope he’s happy for me!!

One news years resolution done!!

Quote of the day: “I need a hair cut because I’m starting to look like a mushroom” Said by Jongin when he was trying to get it out of his eyes.

Oh Sehun


	51. 13th February 2018

Dear diary,

Today could’ve been better... it sucked. 

Baekhyun came over at like 8am and I wasn’t even awake and he jumped onto my bed and woke me up and was like ‘MY BABYYYY I HAVEN’T SEEN YOU IN FOREVER’ and it was a funny way to wake up and he was fully laying on top me squishing and squeezing my cheeks and was telling my that I’ve grown since he’s last saw me which was only a few days (it just me a lot too) but I’m happy I saw him!!

Well.. till it went a little down hill. 

We were catching up and Baekhyun didn’t move and he was still poking my cheeks and I remembered ‘wow Joohyun pokes my cheeks’ AND I HADN’T TOLD BAEKHYUN YET and then I said “Baekhyun, Joohyun is my girlfriend” and then he immediately sat up and was like ‘what?’

So I said it again and he told me he heard me and asked why I didn’t tell him sooner, I would’ve but he was so busy and I felt guilty because he looked upset. 

I told him that I wanted to tell him sooner but he was working and then Baekhyun moved off my bed and was just walking round the room and was playing with the duckie toy and he didn’t smile much. 

Then after a few minutes of silence he said ‘I thought you would tell me if you guys were really close, it might’ve stopped me’ and then he stopped and told me not to worry.

Then I asked him what he meant and told me that it didn’t matter and then he left for work before saying that he would see me tomorrow. I don’t understand because Baekhyun didn’t start work for another 2 hours and that means he left because he was upset. 

I feel so guilty but angry at myself because I don’t want to hurt Baekhyun, and my hearts hurting. 

I just stayed in my room and was angry until a letter slipped under my door and I wasn’t gonna open it but I was angry and I wasn’t thinking straight and I opened it, along with the one I didn’t open from last time.

The first one said: 

‘To my beautiful Sehun,

You are my world and nothing with change that.

From X’

And the second one said: 

‘My Sehun,

Tomorrow is the day I will show my love for you.   
The ball of love is tomorrow, and I will show you my love.   
If you want to know who I am, meet me at the bench by fountain in the school yard.   
At 9PM I will be there, I will wait for you. 

From X,

You will know my name soon’

 

I don’t want to meet them, but I do. I want to know who said these things to me, the owner of feeling x. I haven’t told Joohyun about this and I’m worried. 

Life seems so stressful but I don’t want to tell anyone because it seems stupid. 

I don’t want to hurt anyone. 

I’m scared of loosing my friends.

Oh Sehun.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 50 CHAPTERS GONE ALREADY???


	52. 14th February 2018

dear diary,

ValENTINES DAY BALL!!!!

I’m so tired as I write this so if I ever read this back I probably won’t understand becuase it’s probably all spelt wrong and all gibberish. 

Hi future me. 

Today was the Valentine’s Day ball and I was super excited because it was gonna be really fun. 

Jongin and Baekhyun got ready together in their super cool all black suits and black masks, so I got ready with the dregs of the second years aka Tao, Taemin and Kyungsoo in my room because I’m the only person with a roommate who likes us all, and he wasn’t even there. 

Everyone looked really good with their masks and suits on and Kyungsoo was like... a model???? I was ready to attack.

Before we left I put the letter in my back pocket so I could remember to go to see X, to tell them myself that I’m sorry. THEN WE LEFT and arrived at the main hall of joohyun’s school and it looked really cool becuase it was all decorated and the ballroom LOOKED REALLY FANCy. 

Plus everyone was in ball gowns and suits I felt famous haha. 

I couldn’t tell who anyone was because the masks blocked out a lot of people’s faces and then someone jumped from behind my and said ‘BOO!’ And when I turned round it was Joohyun and she... looked... like a model. It’s not fair I want to look like a model too and everyone I know looks amazing.

Especially Joohyun. She was wearing a red dress and her mask which matched mine, and she looked liked she just walked out from a photo shoot. It was a nice surprise because she tried to scare me. 

We all started dancing and it was really fun, then I realised I hadn’t seen Baekhyun and Jongin anywhere so I was worried because maybe they got lost or something and it would’ve been my fault for not checking on them. 

There’s so much to say and I’m so tired... 

While we were dancing Joohyun asked if we could go outside to breathe for a bit and I didn’t want her to feel anything but happy so I said sure and we went outside. 

I’m not going to lie I didn’t understand how she could know the school so well and not get lost, because we walked through about 100 hallways and turned so many times I’m surprised we ended up outside. 

It was really nice though, there was fairy lights and the courtyard was well kept with these white flowers which I want to know the name of. 

We sat on this bench and she leant her head on my shoulder and I asked if she was okay, and then she told me to look at her, so I did. And then she looked at me with that universal look I think everyone does when you want to kiss someone, and I moved forward to kiss her and then we were kissing and i was worried because I didn’t want to mess up and ugh. 

I messed up. 

I only wanted it to be just kissing and I guess making out?? That sounds so childish but my brain isn’t working so I can’t think of a better word. But she was moving her hand up my leg and it almost touched my.... thing so I stopped kissing and was like !!!! And then she started saying sorry and then I started saying sorry and we were both saying sorry and it was a mess. 

A bad mess and it was all my fault. 

She told me she would meet me inside again and then she went off before I could even move to go tell her I’m sorry (again).

Then I looked forward and saw a fountain, and I was like... shit this is the bench X was talking about. And then I thought this whole time X was Joohyun but I’ve never spoken to her about curious George, and she wouldn’t of been able to get into my school. 

Then... I looked at the time and it was 8:40 or something so I waited round for a bit then I saw a figure so I stood up and I couldn’t really see who it was behind the mask at first, and because it was dark, but from the hair and how he walked I instantly knew who it was. 

Baekhyun.

I can’t explain to you what my heart did at that time, it felt so confused that the feelings Baekhyun give me could’ve been feeling X and that my best friend liked me all along. 

And I was scared, becuase I didn’t know if that meant I liked liked him (which I wouldn’t) or if I would loose a friend. 

when he got closer I held out the letter and said ‘you’re X’ and he took off his mask and was like “oh I didn’t expect you to still be here” and I said something about him asking me to be there... then he laughed at me. 

And I was confused because I was like STOP LAUGHING YOURE X and he said I sounded crazy and told me to sit down because I must’ve drunken too much. 

After assuring him I haven’t drunken anything, i asked why he was out here and he said he came looking for me because Tao said I came out here with Joohyun but she was inside now, and he wanted to say sorry. 

He said sorry for not reacting the right way yesterday and about it was a dick move, I don’t like lying to my own diary so I did start crying. 

I’ve been so stressed and I missed Baekhyun and I told him everything. From X to Joohyun. Which doesn’t sound like a lot but it is.

Then Baekhyun pulled me into a hug and I felt a lot better and we stayed like that for a while, and I felt peaceful intiLL I REALISED WE WERE MISSING JONGIN.... 

I asked where he Was and Baekhyun said he left because he was tired and he just wanted to sleep. Which sounds like a Jongin thing. 

Then we just sat in silence for a bit because I just missed Baekhyun’s presence... a lot. 

THEN SHIT WENT DOWN!!!!

Sorry I don’t know why I said that I’m tired. 

It must’ve got to 9 or something because I heard someone coming and I stood up to see who it was and Baekhyun followed me and held my arm or something and then the figure had a mask on and I couldn’t even tell who it was but once they saw us they ran away. 

It was X. I’m so sure it was X. And I couldn’t even see anything about them apart from it was a guy because he was wearing a suit and it was pretty dark. 

Baekhyun was confused but then realised it was X, and he was like ‘ahhhh I see’ and then hugged me again and told me not to stress too much becuase its not my fualt.

It has to be though, I must’ve led them on, and now they are hurting because of me.

Baekhyun took me back inside and danced with me to cheer me up, and I did enjoy myself but in the back of my mind I felt guilty because of Joohyun, and because of X.

I seem to only hurt people. 

Joohyun tried to come and dance with me but Baekhyun said that he wasn’t finished dancing because his date left him AKA Jongin. So I danced with Baekhyun for the rest of the night and when I could I said sorry to Joohyun, and she said sorry too and told me to text her. 

We all headed home but Baekhyun and I stayed at the back of the group. We didn’t talk much but it’s just nice to link arms with Baekhyun and walk with him. I’ve missed him a lot. 

I promise now to never spend too long away from Baekhyun because it seems everything goes wrong without him. 

Baekhyun walked me to my room and then tucked Jongin into bed, even though he was already sleeping and he kissed him on the forehead and my heart went soft because my best friend are cute. 

Baekhyun wanted to tuck me in but I needed to write so he left after hugging me. 

And here I am now, tired and 2am and barley about to spell or hold a pen. 

Go me. 

From now on I’m going to try not to hurt anyone. 

I can’t. 

I won’t let it happen.

Quote of the day: “I feel like James Bond, call me James Bond”, Said by Tao. 

“I’ll call you dick bond”, said by Kyungsoo and Tao chucking a pillow at him. Taemin laughed so hard that he choked and it made me laugh.

Oh Sehun

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A long chapter!!!!!!
> 
> Hope you all enjoy hehe.
> 
> Who do you think X was in the end??


	53. 15th February 2018

Dear diary,

I’m so tired from yesterday... 

But!!!

I spoke to Joohyun and we’ve set the rule of: ‘let’s go slow’ because she’s had more experience than me and I don’t know I’m nervous and stuff. 

It was weird because she asked if Baekhyun was my ex, and/or if I was Bi and I was confused because Baekhyun and I are close in different ways. The same with Jongin. They are both so so so special to me but a different way to Joohyun. 

I don’t know how to explain.

I thought today would be just chill and that Jongin, Baekhyun and I would hang out but... a prank war started between all the houses and the first thing I heard when I woke up was ‘FIRE!!’ From the hallway... then followed by a bunch of shouting and ‘ouch’ noises. 

Jongin and I both like stood up straight away and looked outside our room but then once we did Seungkwan from Ulphia??? (I think that’s who it was) was chasing after Hansol from Tantony with a bunch of tennis balls and chucking them at him and his room mate and I couldn’t stop laughing, but me and Jongin decided because we didn’t want to die to go back into our room. 

It died down for a bit until Baekhyun ran into our room out of nowhere covered in flour and eggs and he was laughing but he looked man, and then I realised in his hands he was holding nerf guns but the water version and he said ‘don’t ask’ and then there was banging on the door and we could tell it was Jongdae by his voice... then I realised the colour of the water was blue and before Baekhyun could answer Jongdae shouted ‘WAHHHH BAEKHYUN WHY DID U SQUIRT FOOD DYE AT ME!!’... talk about house spirit.

Every floor of the dorms you could hear someone shout every hour or so, it’s not bad today but I can tell it will get worse by tomorrow, I’m too scared to even sleep ahah. 

At least I have Jongin to protect me right??

I’m more scared for Chanyeol because Kyungsoo could only dream of days like this. I’ll ask him tomorrow how he’s been managing. 

Anyway, bye bye!!

Quote of the day: “WHO IN THIS ULPHIA FUCKING HALLWAY STUCK OVER 100 PICTURES OF KERMIT THE FROG ON INSIDE MY DORM ROOM” Said by a very angry person who I’m guessing who is not in Ulphia. 

Oh Sehun

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I’m adding my characters hehe!! 
> 
> Comment any people who you would like to see in this


	54. 16th February 2018

Dear diary,

The mess of the dorms... 

I want to cry. 

So the prank war has turned into world war three... and I am scared for my life. 

Here’s a list of the things that have happened: 

\- Baekhyun’s eyebrow was slitted in his sleep so now he has gaps  
\- Nini the teddy bear now has a moustache on it but I’m planning on scrubbing it off  
\- Junmyeon’s trousers were stapled to the second years dorm entrance   
\- ALL of Tantony’s chairs by the desks in the dorm rooms had air horns underneath them   
\- Kyungsoo’s head got shaved by Chanyeol and I cried because his hair was so beautiful and fluffy... I wish I was joking when I said he was bald and that I cried   
\- Chanyeol in return now has no eyebrows which looks far more worse   
\- All of Ailbhe’s trophies were stolen and put into Corbinian’s trophy cupboard cus it’s empty

 

A lot has happened but that’s all I can name at the moment. 

I’m writing fast because we’re being summed for a secret Corbinian meeting in the basketball hall. 

I have a lot to say today but not enough time!!! I’ll make sure to record Junmyeons message!!!

Bye bye!!

Quote of the day: “I think I look hot so I’m not complaining”, Said by Baekhyun as he neatens the eyebrow slit. 

“You still have hair, you have to right to complain”, Said by Kyungsoo has he wore a hat because he head was cold. 

I think he looks good. 

Oh Sehun


	55. 17th February 2018

Dear diary,

So I didn’t get to record the Junmyeon speech because once all of us were in the basketball courts SUDDENLY LOADS OF TANTONY PEOPLE CAME OUT AND STARTED THROWING PERCY PIG SWEETS AT US WHICH WAS A WASTE BUt I heard Luhan (the captain) shout “TASTE MY PIG ASS” and it was really funny. 

Jongin grabbed onto my hand and high key dragged me out of there and I almost tripped over but we were having fun so I didn’t care. 

We ran, or I got dragged, to the storage cupboard for all the balls and equipment goes and it was really dark and Jongin was breathing really heavily because he just ran (so was I) and it was really scary even though the worst thing that would happen is getting hit by a sweet. 

After a while Jongin let go of my hand I could feel it again, then we snuck back up to our dorm room and once we got there Baekhyun was asleep on my bed with dried egg cracked in his hair (I checked he was alive and he was, and then I hit his butt really hard for revenge for getting egg on my pillow. 

Jongin told me to leave him alone but I wasn’t finished so I licked my finger and wiped off the eyebrow pencil that he used to fill in his eyebrow, so you could see his slits again. And then I got angry because he still looked good, even if egg in his hair, even with slitted eyebrows, even when asleep and kind of dribbling.

Jongin started laughing and dragged me into bed and then we fell asleep haha. 

Today I got to escape the mess of the dorm wars and I spent some time with Joohyun. ONLY AFTER HAVING to kick Baekhyun out, which meant dealing with his grumpy ass and carrying out into the hallway and putting him on the floor. AND THEN HE FELL ASLEEP ON THE FLOOR OUTSIDE WHAT A CHILD. 

Anyway, Joohyun and I went to shoreditch to take some aesthetic pictures, she posted hers on Instagram and even posted a picture of me!!! 

I felt famous because she’s got like 10,000 followers and I have like... 324 but STILL!!!

Things seemed to be okay between us and we held hands again, and when she had to go home she kissed my cheek and I told her it’s okay to kiss me properly and then we kissed just once. 

It was nice but I’m still waiting for the feeling and I’m worried if it won’t come. 

When I got home Baekhyun wasn’t outside the room anymore, but when I went in the whole group was there except Baekhyun???

I asked where he was once I sat down next to Jongin and he said he was at work and I was like wow my hard working friend :( aNYWAY

Baldsoo became a new nickname set by Chanyeol, and the reason why they were here is because they wanted to escape the dorm wars... AND WE WENT BOWLING!!!

Jongin and I weren’t doing well so we started playing round and we ended up doing better??? 

Baekhyun came later and he just sat with me and watched, he was still in his work uniform so I gave him my jacket so he wasn’t advertising without being payed hehe. IM JOKING... I gave it to him because he doesn’t like the uniform that much.

We walked home and Taemin and I walked at the back and spoke about doing a prank against Jongin it we realised he’s in our house so we decided to prank Tao instead hehe.

The plan is to move everything in his dorm room about 3 inches to the left so it doesn’t look like anything’s changed but he won’t like it. 

It’s not the scariest but we think it’s funny. 

ANYWAY, Joohyun is calling me so writing fast. 

Quote of the day: “I AM THE BOWLING KING” Said by Chanyeol 

“And the dipshit king” Said by a sour baldsoo.

Oh Sehun


	56. 18th February 2018

Dear diary,

So... today is the last day of the holiday AKA the last day of pranks most likely.

I’m writing this at 7AM (the earliest I’ve woken up) so I can set a prank plan throughout the day and update it once it’s done.

So I’m gonna write the plan and then after write about if it went well. 

PLAN A  
1\. Sneak into Kyungsoo’s room  
2\. While he’s sleeping, put a wig on his head  
(Jongin said to glue it on but that’s just torture right?)  
3\. Sneak out

NOT THE MOST EXCITING BUT IT WILL FREAK HIM OUT

PLAN B  
1\. Find handcuffs   
2\. Find Baekhyun   
3\. In a bed preferably   
4\. Hand cuff him to the bed and leave him there so he cANT SLEEP IN MY BED ANYMORE!!!  
(Leave the key somewhere where he can see but can’t reach for extra torture)

PLAN C (Kyungsoo’s revenge part 2) (he is helping)  
1\. Find Chanyeol   
2\. Preferably sleeping  
3\. Use permanent ink pens to draw make up on him   
(This will work because he’s a deep sleeper)

I’ll update when I have done the pranks!!!

 

 

PLAN A OUTCOME...

We snuck in (we and in Jongin and i) and he was sleeping, but once we went to put the wig on his head he went “you have 5 seconds before I open my eyes and find out who you are, and 6 seconds to stay alive” so we ran out...

Mission failed. 

 

PLAN B OUTCOME....

I found handcuffs in the drama cupboard because that’s where all the costumes are, and then I snuck into Baekhyun’s dorm and he was still in bed, his room mate wasn’t there thank god... 

I lifted up his hand and tied it to the bed and then I woke him up and he was like “what are you doing in here hunnie?” And then he tried to sit up and pull me on the bed buT HE WAS TIED DOWN HAHAHA. 

Then he was trying to yank his hand off and asked for the key and I pointed at it, and I went to walk out but... his roommate walked in and said that “I’m fine with kinky sex just not in my room” AND I WAS LIKE FUCK WHY DOESN’T ANYTHING GOOD HAPPEN BETWEEN ME AND HIM.

I continued walking out so mission accomplished???

 

PLAN C OUTCOME!!!

This was the funniest because where channie is such a deep sleeper we could draw basically anywhere we wanted... and because he sleeps without a shirt on we had a WHOLE CANVAS :)

Kyungsoo did most of the drawing and I supplied the pens but he looked so funny Kyungsoo had to kick me out before I could start laughing. 

Then once I came out we ran to my room and called Chanyeol to say there was something urgent and that he needed to come to my room.   
AND HE RAN DOWN AND I WAS LAUGHING SO HARD... my stomach still hurts now... 

Jongin was surprised and Chanyeol didn’t know what we were laughing about so he ran into our bathroom and screamed. 

Mission accomplished. 

I’ll write later because I’ve managed my three pranks before lunch time, but there’s still more of the day to go!!!

Quote of the morning: “WHY ARE MY EYEBROWS A PENIS AND A SAUSAGE?” Said by Chanyeol 

“No, that is also a dick”, said by Kyungsoo who was very pleased with himself.

Oh Sehun 

 

PART TWO HELLO DIARY!!!

Did you miss me?

Probably not since you are just a book.

 

A lot of pranks went down in the last half of the day... 

I spent the rest of the day in my room and to my mistake I decided to have a nap... then I woke up in the same position as Baekhyun... except Baekhyun was sitting on a chair and waiting for me to wake up and I was so confused at first but I realised I fucked up. 

He was like “oh how the tables turn Sehunnie” and then he gave me the choice to be handcuffed to the bed for the rest of the day or be handcuffed to him... and I chose the right one, right??

He uncuffed me and then moved the other cuff to his wrist and that was it... hand cuffed from 4pm to 2am...

At first it was hard because we wanted to do different things but we found it was easier just to hold hands and decide what we wanted to do. 

It got to about 6pm when Baekhyun realised he didn’t know where the key was and it went a little down hill from there. 

We spent about 2 hours searching and Baekhyun didn’t seem that fussed buT I WAS STRESSING BECAUSE WHAT WOULD’VE HAPPENED IF WE GOT STUCK TOGETHER FOREVER!

After about... 3 hours Baekhyun started laughing as we looking in my bedroom again! And I was like ??? What’s wrong with you? And he said that he had the key the whole time and I wanted to punch him in the fACE (not really) and he wouldn’t stop laughing and said that I looked so worried. 

He still didn’t uncuff me though so we ended up watching a movie and it was uncomfortable at first to lay down with our hands cuffed but we found if Baekhyun kind of laid on my chest and my arm was round him, he could have his arm over his chest and it could be comfortable. 

Anyway we watched a movie and then we realised we have school tomorrow so Baekhyun left after giving me the key to unlock the cuffs, and he disappeared like a ghost!!

Jongin came in at 3 after spending the night at Kyungsoo’s doing the same thing Baekhyun and I did,,, we should’ve all just joined together :(

Anyway.

Quote of the night: “I’m tired” Said by me

Oh Sehun


	57. 19th February 2018

Dear Sehun,

It’s Jongin, don’t worry I haven’t read anything I’m only going to slide this piece of paper in, I’m also sorry if you can’t read this. 

I always see you writing in this so I wanted to leave a message for you. 

Thank you for being my best friend, for being my person that I can always trust and always know is there for me. When I came I thought no one would like me, that no one would care or worry for me; but when you’re around I feel as if I’m complete and comfortable which I haven’t felt in a long time. 

You know about my family life and how everything I want is just given to me, I’ve always had everything in my life given to me so easily but I’ve never had a proper friendship before. Until I met you. 

I don’t think I’ve ever have smiled as much as I do when I’m with you, and I don’t tell you this much but I do treasure you a lot. My little duckie. 

Thank you for being my Sehunnie, my person. 

From the best roommate, 

Jongin 

Hopefully my handwriting isn’t too bad. 

 

 

 

Dear diary,

I think Jongin said today’s entry well enough...

(I cried and hugged him for 2 hours)

Oh Sehun


	58. 20th February 2018

Dear diary,

Second day back in school after a week off... is death an option??

Yesterday was the first day back and I would’ve written about it but it just felt right to have yesterday’s entry as Jongin’s entry. It was just... perfect in a Jongin way? I don’t know if that makes any sense but it does in my head.

When I got home yesterday my book was in its normal place but in the first page hung out this piece of paper and at first I was really scared that someone had read my diary and my heart felt like it had dropped to the bottom of my stomach. I almost ran to my book and once I opened it the paper was folded in half and it had a little (badly) drawn bear on it so I knew it was okay, because it was Jongin. 

Once I read the like third sentence I already had tears in my eyes, because I don’t feel like I tell or show Jongin how much he means to me and I don’t know, it felt like if Jongin had to physically write me something that I wasn’t doing a good enough job to show it.

Jongin’s only told me a bit about his family life, and how his dad owns a big company and he pretty much gets what he wants. At first when I first found out I didn’t see the problem, but being with Jongin has made me realise he was lucky enough to be the way he is. In the sense of, not a stuck up kid and isn’t grateful, and is actually the most amazing and selfless person ever? 

He told me that because his dad owned a big business he had a tutor come into his house and teach him his lessons, and once (and after all his begging) his dad felt it was right to send him to private school he did. I think that when he was younger he didn’t have many friends because he was an only child, and that he said the kids in his neighbourhood weren’t the nicest. Sometimes Jongin just likes to sit next to me to know I’m there, and I’m glad I can be.

I feel like crying as I write this again because for someone like Jongin, even though he was raised wealthily, I don’t think he was given the emotional side of a family. He doesn’t like going home for the holidays. 

Someone like Jongin deserved a good set of friends when he was growing up as he was younger. I want to give Jongin that now, I want Jongin to be happy now for the days I think he spent alone. Or I know, because everyone thinks I’m silly and stupid and I’m a bit slow, but when we all speak about things we did as kids and our family, he goes quiet and just listens. He normally is more of a listener but it’s a different sort of listening. I can’t explain it- but I just know. 

I sound crazy because I’m writing too much about Jongin but I want Nini to be smiling for as much of his life as I can make him. 

I’m planning on writing him a letter back so even when I’m not there to show him I care, he can look at the letter like I will when he’s not here.

I’ll try to write it by tonight. 

Anyway,,, after wiping three tears and reminding myself that I’m lucky to have the friends I have. Quote of the day: “ ‘Kyungsoo is short’, I say into the mic”, Said by Chanyeol as he held Kyungsoo’s head as If it was a mic. 

Oh Sehun.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you like this!


	59. 21st February 2018

Dear diary,

Here’s my note to Jongin.

 

Dear Jongin,

My favourite bear, my favourite roommate, my favourite in general. What would I do without you?

You make my worst days feel like I could live a thousand of them, because I have you by my side. I have too many thank you’s to say, and too many smiles and hugs to give. Thank you Jongin, thank you for everything. 

My note isn’t as long as yours because if I write more than this I will never stop. But I’ll show you how I feel through my actions, and what I say. Does that sound good?

I love you.

Oh Sehun.

 

I hope he likes it, I want him to know I’m there. 

 

ANYWAY....

I worked today instead of yesterday and I almost tripped over while holding a tray of 3 peoples orders... SO SCARY! Minho was laughing at me and kept reenacting it once we closed and was cleaning. :( I was attacked. 

I defended myself and said “it’s okay if I trip over once for a short amount of time, because you will always be ugly” and he acted really offended and I couldn’t stop laughing.

Maybe I should start being savage more often. 

OH 

I was talking about dancing with him and he asked if I knew a Lee Taemin... and I was like of course I know a Lee Taemin and now we both know Lee Taemin and that they were friends back home. 

A SMALL WORLD RIGHT???

I’m going to plan a reunion haha but it’s gonna be a surprise. 

Anyway,, sleepy me needs to sleep now. 

Quote of the day: “is water wet?” Said by Yixing during our tutoring. 

“I don’t know, but I know for sure that I’m super sexy” Said by Jongdae, then made like a WAEEEE noise when Yixing laughed at him.

Oh Sehun


	60. 22nd February 2018

Dear diary,

Jongin and I had double ethics today so we hung out a bit today, and headed to the dance studio after. We’re gonna work on a piece together but we decided on the song which is... ‘Yung god’ by Russ and it’s got a really good beat to it so I’m excited. 

I met up with Baekhyun and we headed to work and work seemed to go really fast... in fact today just seemed to go by really quickly.

On my way to work I called Joohyun and Baekhyun said he was bored of waiting for me because I was walking slower?? So walked faster to work and the whole time he was only about 10 metres in front of me (he’s got small legs). 

Work went quick as I said, Baekhyun worked outside of the kitchen (so doing the orders and drinks) and I worked inside the kitchen (cleaning and drying and all that stuff). Normally we do things together but today we didn’t so it worried me because maybe Baekhyun was angry with me?

At work we normally serve customers together and take their food to them together as well if the table had a lot of people on it. But today it was just me and myself in the kitchen. Hmph. 

Our usual customer came as she normally did every night. My boss said that Christina (the woman) has been coming everyday for 11 years... ELEVEN YEARS!!! That’s like more than half of my life. 

I’ve noticed that she’s pretty routine in how she eats, for all the Thursdays I’ve worked she always has a chicken salad. She’s always our last customer too!!

We walked home and Baekhyun and I didn’t talk much so I knew he was upset, he normally tells me all about his day but he didn’t today. I asked him what was wrong and he told me that I shouldn’t worry about it, so I worried more about it. 

About five minutes from home Baekhyun linked arms with me and told me I was silly, even though I didn’t do anything? Abuse :(

I walked him to his room and told him that I’m only downstairs if he needs me and he nodded and walked into his room :( poor Baekhyun I hope he does tell me. 

So here I am now, writing my diary as I normally do. 

 

Jongin just told me I have an essay due for tomorrow and I haven’t started- 

Fuck. 

Oh Sehun

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 300 comments??? 100 kudos???? 2600 reads??? I’m shocked. Thanks to everyone for reading I’m really happy you guys are so lovely.


	61. 23rd February 2018

Dear diary,

Baekhyun definitely hates me. And I think my hearts breaking. 

I got to spend some of the day with Joohyun and we just went to a little coffee shop and spoke for a bit which was nice, and she told me that Seulgi wants to meet up with Jongin again and called it another ‘Double date’. I said Jongin might not be interested as much anymore and she asked why and I couldn’t say the real reason, so I told her that Jongin’s too busy to date? That’s a good enough reason right??

I walked to work after and Baekhyun was there so I was happy because he is my favourite person after all.

It started off alright and he seemed in a better mood than yesterday, but I started talking about Joohyun and Jongin and maybe I was talking a lot and about stupid things because Baekhyun was like “okay I get it” and then walked away and spent the rest of the night working the till section so I didn’t speak to him much. 

And even when he walked home he said he was gonna walk home, and I really wanted to persuade him that it’s too cold to be walking and we should’ve got the bus but he was in one of them moods where all I could do was give him my jacket and be cold for a short amount of time, and let Baekhyun be warm and walk and think about what’s worrying him. 

I’m worried I’ve upset him, I don’t want to upset him. I feel stupid for not knowing, it’s really embarrassing that I don’t know what my best friend is thinking. I guess I’m not much of a good friend right?

I don’t know if Baekhyun got home or not because I texted him ‘are you back safe?’ And he read it and didn’t reply so I don’t know what to think. 

I can’t lose Baekhyun, I really can’t.

Jongin was home when I got here and he was already sleeping, he’s always tired recently. 

I should go and see if Baekhyun is back so I’m finishing this. Hopefully he still wants to be my friend. Hopefully I’ll figure out what I’ve done soon. 

I’m too worried for quote of the day. 

Oh Sehun

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> IVE GOT LOADS OF DRAMA AND ANGST PLANNED BE READY HEHE


	62. 24th February 2018

Dear diary,

Work again today...

I think Baekhyun really doesn’t like me.

It’s been about 3 days now right?

He barely spoke to me and he left earlier than I did after he got paid so...

I don’t know what to think.

I’ve really screwed thinks up. I don’t know what I’ve done or how to fix it.

Oh Sehun

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Shortest chap haha
> 
> SORRY I MESSED UP THE CHAPS


	63. 25th February 2018

Dear diary, 

Today was better!!!

I had plans today with squad plus Joohyun and Seulgi (first outing minus ball with my girlfriend and girlfriend’s best friend). Jongin and I went to knock for Baekhyun and once we got upstairs he said he didn’t want to come because he was busy but I looked into his room and I could clearly see on he screen of his laptop he was watching rupauls drag race. 

He deserves to rest and I wish he was straight up with Jongin and I because we would’ve left him to sit and watch his show (and if Joohyun wasn’t going I would’ve stayed). We did leave him and we found the rest of the guys (it ended up being me, Kyungsoo, Jongin and Chanyeol going) and then left for Hyde Park. 

We got there and the girls were already there and Joohyun was in this really pretty dress and so was Seulgi (not as pretty as Joohyun sorry about it) and everyone was getting along really well. 

Chanyeol and Joohyun seemed to get along really well, or as well as Joohyun can be because for some reason when she’s round boys, or maybe just my friends, she looks like she wants to kill us all. Like she will look round the whole circle with a death glare but when she reaches me she doesn’t look like she wants to kill me and smiles and it makes me feel special haha. 

Anyway!!! Chanyeol and Joohyun are friends, surprisingly Seulgi and Jongin are good friends too and are going to be working on a dance duet soon about a secret !!! I’m so excited I could die. 

We walked round the park after a while and it was really nice, we also stopped at the McDonald’s near by and got food haha, me and Joohyun shared a 20 chicken nugget box because we love chicken nuggets. (Jongin got one for himself because he loves chicken even more).

We only got home about an hour again (it’s 10 now) so I’m heckie tired. Obviously Jongin is knocked out already so I’m gonna hurry up and end this soon so Jongin can sleep without light in his eyes. 

Quote of the day: “Hi my name is Jongin and I eat chicken because I can’t face the fact that I am a chicken myself HUHHHH” Said by Kyungsoo as Jongin put the 12th nugget in.

Oh Sehun

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry my updates have been sucky but I promise I’m just building up for angst hehe


	64. 26th February 2018

Dear diary,

We made a group chat today!!!

It has in if:

Me  
Jongin  
Baekhyun  
Kyungsoo   
Chanyeol   
Tao  
Seulgi   
Joohyun   
Yerim  
Sooyoung   
Seungwan 

I’ve never met the last three girls but they seem nice from the group chat, and they must be lovely if they are friends with Joohyun. 

While I was in lessons my phone was going crazy I had to actually turn it off ughh so no secret texting today. 

I texted Baekhyun AFTER my lesson and asked if he wanted to go out for lunch and he only said ‘yh’ which isn’t Baekhyun’s normally reply he’s normally like YAAAYY LUNCHTIME WITH MY FAVE so it just makes me wish more about knowing what upset him. 

He asked who with and I said only us two, because I wanted to talk to him and he seemed to want that too. 

I met him outside the school and he didn’t say anything for the first 10 minutes of walking to the train station, he only linked arms with me and leant in to me and I didn’t want to say anything at that moment because I knew I could make him upset by reminding him. 

We went to the candy cafe in china town which is really cute and we sat at one of the booths. The seats are wooden so it wasn’t as comfortable as I thought but it was very cosy in the sense of homewise? Like... it was a comfortable room I don’t know what I’m saying.

Baekhyun got pancakes with strawberries and ice cream and I got pancakes with chocolate sauce and bananas (it was very good!!). We shared a vanilla bubble tea but Baekhyun drunk most of it. 

I got to about half way through my pancake when Baekhyun first spoke and said “Do you love Joohyun?” And I was confused because it came out of nowhere and he looked serious and scary. 

I said I’m not sure because its true, I know I like her. I’m not sure about love because thats serious. 

He just hummed and continued eating, and when I asked why he asked that he said no reason, and started speaking as if nothing happened. It felt as if someone just turned the Baekhyun switch and my best friend was back.

It was odd... 

BUT GOOD!!! I have Baekhyun back. 

I’d still like to know what bugged him but he didn’t tell me. 

Once we finished we bought some pocky and some other things from the shop near the cafe and headed home (I got a few packs because they are lovely). 

Once we got home Baekhyun walked me back to my room and finally... he hugged me and ugh I just missed him a lot I hate it when I can’t just have him. Like. In the sense of. Ugh I don’t know. 

Just there. I don’t know how to function if I don’t have my best friends by my side, so when one half of my best friends go my brain doesn’t work properly. 

I hugged him back really had and squeezed him maybe a little bit to hard. I just wanted to hug him as big and as long as I could because I don’t know when the next time I get to do that. I had to make sure that one was good enough to last me a bit just in case Baekhyun needs more time to himself.

When I checked my phone after getting in the group chat had over 1000 messages...

I didn’t read them. 

I will pretend I did tho...

Anyway... goodnight!!

Quote of the day: “Lucas (a guy in my philosophy class) if you say that one more time you will stand outside the classroom for the rest of the lesson”, said by my philosophy teacher, who’s normally very stoic. 

“You don’t like it when I sing ‘mY LADY!” And then he got sent out. I’ve never noticed him in class before but determined to be his friend!!!  
Go me for trying to make friends. 

Oh Sehun

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I’ll be replying to comments very soon!!! I’m just packed with school work haha


	65. 27th February 2018

Dear diary,

And now I’m back to no baek again...

Today was very good for the most of it!!!

I had dance with Taemin and I maybe invited Minho to come and he came in half way and I wish I could say I was over reacting but Taemin literally ran to him and tackled him into a hug and they fell on the floor with Taemin on top of him. He’s light so I can’t imagine it awfully hurt but I bed Minho was scared. 

I told them two to catch up and stuff so I left and they stayed and I hope Taemin updates me tomorrow!!

I went to work early so I could spend more time with baekkie and he seemed happy to see me and it was all going well till we went on our break together...

I hadn’t called Joohyun all day and I wanted to before she worried so I called her and then when we were on the phone together Baekhyun left me at the table and decided he wanted a shorter break :(

I don’t think he likes Joohyun. Maybe he thinks I like her more than him, in some senses I do but bros before girls. (I will never EVER call a girl or woman a hoe because there’s nothing wrong with being a hoe, as long as you’re a safe hoe). Does bro before girls apply when the girl is your girlfriend??? I don’t know.

What am I saying. I don’t know. 

Baekhyun went back to his pissed off self at me and I’m really tired of it now, I need my best friend. I can’t help him if he won’t tell me what’s wrong. And I can’t be his best friend and laugh and joke like we used to. It’s weird. I don’t like it one bit. 

I even tried to talk to him but he went to walk away but I was done with it so I said ‘before you storm off, I’ll just leave’ and I was just so angry because I don’t want to lose him. 

I can’t lose him. 

Because what happens if then Jongin leaves me? And Kyungsoo and Chanyeol? Tao and Taemin.. what happens if they all leave me. 

It only takes one person to realise you’re not as cool as they think you are and everyone else will follow. 

Hmph. 

Another thing I found weird today was that when I called Joohyun she told me she just got off the phone from Chanyeol, I didn’t even know they were that close! I’m glad my friends like my girlfriend but I don’t want my girlfriend stealing my friends haha... I need friends too!!

Anyway,, I’m going to sleep with Jongin tonight because it’s -4 degrees and it’s freezing. And I just need someone to talk to to figure out this Baekhyun situation, so my heart doesn’t ache as much anymore. 

Quote of the day: “IM TIRED SEHUN HURRY!!” Said by Jongin now chucking Nini at me 

Oh Sehun

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The angst levels are starting to increase hehehhehehe


	66. 28th February 2018

Dear diary,

I have to write quick because I have a movie marathon taking place!!

It was a snow day today so we didn’t have any school!! So Jongin, Kyungsoo and I decided to binge watch the harry potters since we don’t have school tomorrow!!!

Wahhh Kyungsoo is giving me a dirty look right now...

I wish Baekhyun could’ve joined us and protected me from the wrath of Kyungsoo. 

JONGIN WILL HELP!!

Quote of the day: “help me” me inside my head. 

BYEEE OH SEhUN


	67. 1st March 2018

Dear diary,

A new month??

Where even was February?? It went so fast I don’t even feel like I lived a month. That made no sense. 

We had ANOTHER SNOW DAY today so once again no school!! Chanyeol wanted all of us to go out in the snow and it ended up being Chanyeol, Kyungsoo, Jongin, Joohyun, Yerim and I and we went to a park near us and surprisingly no one was there?? 

We built a snow wall to divide the park and we ended up playing some sort of twist on ‘capture the flag’ except the flag was a big stick on both sides and snowballs were the weapons hehe.

The teams were:

THE BEST!!  
Chanyeol, Joohyun and I

The stinky people (ew)  
Jongin, Kyungsoo and Yerim. 

Surprisingly, due to a bad choice of team members (soRRY BFG and my girlfriend if you are reading this which you shouldn’t be tut tut) we did not win. Turns out, despite their cute faces, The combination of Kaisoorim? Is very very scary and I never want to see it again.

I almost choked on snow because of Kyungsoo, hmph and he claims to love me (it’s okay because he made me hot chocolate when we got home!). 

when we got home I thought I’d text Baekhyun to see if he’s okay since we’re not talking that much, and it really hurt that he just read my messages?? Not even replying to it. 

It hurt. A lot. Kyungsoo hit my head and told me to stop looking sad and when I explained what was happening he told me that there’s many sides to Baekhyun that I need to learn to love and hate, (even the sides where he ignores me hmph) and that when Baekhyun’s ready he will tell me what’s wrong. 

He’s like a dad, even though he’s only a few months older I really look up to Kyungsoo. I wish I was that smart. 

I went back to my dorm and Jongin and I shared a bed like the last few nights since it’s sOOO COLD. 

I almost fell asleep but I forgot I hadn’t written haha. 

He’s still asleep and I’m having to use his bedside table as a writing desk, and it’s getting uncomfortable so I’m going to sleep now. 

Quote of the day: “Look, I made a snow angel” Said by Kyungsoo to me  
“More like a snow devil” Said by Chanyeol and everyone was laughing so hard. 

Oh Sehun

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> How are you guys finding this right now??
> 
> I’m currently planning march’s story line and there’s a lot of angst so be ready haha


	68. 2nd March 2018

Dear diary,

Another snow day??? Five day weekend hehe!!

I didn’t do much today, it got much colder so my body was really cold and wasn’t working properly *insert eye emojis* (totally wasn’t being lazy just because I’m a lazy shit) 

I went upstairs to the 2nd year dorms to see if Baekhyun was around and his roommate said he was at work, at least this time we didn’t have an awkward meeting!!!

I asked him what his name was and the person who I’ve had many awkward encounters with is called Kibum!! And then I asked him to ask Baekhyun to text me back and he went to me “no offence, but I don’t want to be involved in this homo drama” which it isn’t!!! So I got embarrassed and he laughed and he has a reallllly weird laugh. 

He told me I was a good kid but he wanted me to leave so he could carry on watching TV. 

I was like ouch okay and left. 

Jongin was there when I got home though so it was alllll good, we had a good old chat about ‘is water wet?’ And ended up having a tickle fight. 

I called Joohyun later and she said she had a good dancing day because her school was shut too, so she was much more productive!! The call was much shorter than usual but she said she left school work till later so I let her be. 

Anyway, I should copy her and do some school work. 

Quote of the day: “oh, Brenda” shouted out in the hallway, then a bunch of shouting and ‘OUCH’ es 

Oh Sehun

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I’ve planned the story line all the way till Easter wahhhh


	69. 3rd March 2018

Dear diary,

I cannot tell you how freaking cold it was at work today. 

It didn’t stop snowing and it got so cold that the pipes froze!!! We had to clean all the plates in a different and longer way. It was painful.... 

No one bought desserts today and this one guy came in and had two ice creams to himself??? I was really angry because I had to make it and serve it to him so I waS COLD!!

Around about 2pm Baekhyun came in with Jongdae and Minseok and I had to serve them. I never knew Minseok and Baekhyun were close so it was a bit of a surprise to me, especially because Minseok ordered for Baekhyun and I don’t know, it felt weird seeing my best friend with other people and being as close. 

Once I served their food Baekhyun didn’t even say thanks and that’s one of his pet peeves??? Like when we normally work together he’s like ‘ugh that bitch didn’t say thank you’ and he done the exact same to me. I’m not happy. 

Because I did the lunch shift I ended up leaving with them too, and me and Jongdae walked together and we were talking about random stuff but I kept getting distracted because Baekhyun was walking in front of us linking arms with Minseok like I didn’t exist. Maybe I’m a ghost to Baekhyun now. 

Once I got home I called Joohyun and I told her about what happened and she said that sometimes friendships just fade, and that we can’t stop that. And once she said that my heart broke a little because what happens if I lose Baekhyun, what next? I lose Jongin too??

I can’t deal with this sort of feeling. 

Quote of the day: “hit it fergie”, said by my co worker as he hit the pipe to try crack the ice.

Oh Sehun

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope all my readers are okay!!! I’m sorry if these recent chapters are a bit boring, I’ll try to make them more exciting ❤️


	70. 4th March 2018

Dear diary,

Today was not a good day...

Since it’s Sunday Jongin and I decided to go dancing in the studio and I was still annoyed about Baekhyun, or being ignored by Baekhyun. 

I normally like emotionally dance? Like I put my emotions into my dance... and I was dancing and I couldn’t stop and I started crying and I could see Jongin trying to make me stop and I rolled my ankle and fell to the floor.

I started crying more and everything just ached, it still hurts now. 

Jongin came to me quickly and was there for me and it made me cry more because I’m such a bad friend because I didn’t think how I made Jongin feel and ugh. I’m gonna lose him too aren’t I?

He knows me and knew I couldn’t get up, so he laid next to me and after a while he held onto my hand and it made me cry. 

I really don’t deserve him. 

I told Jongin how I felt about Baekhyun leaving me and how everyone else will soon and he laughed at me and told me I’m a dummy, which isn’t true because it could happen. 

I just don’t want to lose anyone else, I know Baekhyun hates me now and all I want to know is what I’ve done so I can apologise for it... it really hurts. 

If I lose Jongin too I don’t know what I’ll do with myself. 

It’s all just a bit too much and i just need a day where I can relax with my two best friends... but I can’t have that anymore. 

Oh Sehun


	71. 5th March 2018

Dear diary,

Today was weird...

So I woke up and my ankle wasn’t hurting as much but it hurt to walk on :( I wore my slip on vans today instead of my school shoes because it didn’t hurt as much. 

I only had 2 lessons today so the plan was to kidnap Taemin and take him to the dance room so he could show me the dance he was texting me about. 

Plan failed!!

So had to limp to his room, I know he always leaves his door unlocked so I snuck into the room. He was sitting on his room mates bed so I snuck in and jumped on him and was like DANCING TIME!

And I was... so.. sooooo wrong. 

It wasn’t Taemin!!

The guy screamed and shouted “please don’t rob me” and he sounded really scared and I felt so bad :( I jumped off of him and said I was really sorry and that I thought he was Taemin, and he turned round and it was Taemin? Except it wasn’t Taemin, but maybe Taemins doppelgänger. 

So he told me his name was jungwoo and I asked if they were twins but he said they only met at the start of the school year. 

I was gonna leave but he told me I could stay till Taemin came back and we ended up becoming really good friends and OMG he’s the cutest person in the world I felt a need to protect him!

Like, if Jongin and Baekhyun were to have a baby it would be him... if that makes sense. 

Jungwoo is just soft, I can tell if Jongin met him I would die from too much softness. 

If I was gay... he’d be my type haha. IM NOT GAY THOUGH. So he’s safe !!! For now.. 

WHY DID I WRITE THAT IM NOT GAY OOF

I told him I hurt my ankle and he even went through the trouble of wrapping it in a bandage for me and told me I’d get better soon,,, my heart. 

I told him then that I thought he was the nicest person in the world baring in mind I did attack him, and he told me that it’s an easy mistake haha. 

I’m still embarrassed as I write this now... I told Jongin and he laughed at me so hard. 

Taemin eventually came and we ended up all going to the dance room and Taemin showed us the dance he called drip drop... it was so good!!!

Jungwoo and I just sat at the front and applauded while Taemin was being the dance machine he is. 

I ended up getting Jungwoo’s number and once we left the dance room we started talking and it turns out he’s even more adorable over text and we both have the same favourite anime!! 

So congratulations to me for making a new friend, Joohyun said she’d like to meet him because he sounds like ‘a little puppy’. 

ANYWAY, it’s late and Jongin and I wanna sleep so goodnight diary, not that you will be sleeping because you’re not alive. 

Quote of the day: “please don’t rob me!” Said by Jungwoo. 

Wow all I spoke about was Jungwoo. 

Oh sehun

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the early upload oof, I have to take strong medicine tonight because I’m not too well and I probably would’ve fallen asleep and forgotten to post it oops
> 
> Introducing Jungwoo!!!


	72. 6th March 2018

Dear diary,

I think today just confirms that I only have one best friend now :(

Jongin, being the best friend in the world that he is surprised me at work!! He knows when I work a Tuesday shift what hour I’ll be on my break and be brought me food for my break which made me super happy ahhh. (Totally not because I complain about eating the same things whenever I work) 

Then things went down hill and I never want to see Jongin this unhappy again. 

Baekhyun came in for his shift and I saw him walk through the door and we made eye contact and instantly my heart just dropped. Jongin realised too and it was silent until Baekhyun spoke and he was like “oh, so the three musketeers becomes two?” And I could see Jongin felt back but I was so fucking sick of it because I’d understand if Baekhyun said that because we pushed him away, but we didn’t!!! He was the one who stopped trying to be friends with us: :( and I wasn’t gonna let him hurt Jongin.

So I said “it wasn’t us who made it like that, is it Baekhyun?” And I’m guessing Baekhyun had nothing else to say because he just put on his apron and walked out of the staff room and at first I was scared because I thought he might tell my boss about me sneaking Jongin into the staff room but then I remembered that my boss loves Jongin so it was okay. 

I was really angry but Jongin told me about Kyungsoo attacking Chanyeol and it cheered me up, it sucked because Jongin had to leave and I had to work with sour puss, aka Baekhyun, for another 2 hours. 

I got to leave before him so even though I normally wouldn’t want to, I was really fucking happy to leave Baekhyun. 

Like.

What the fuck is wrong with him? First of all he leaves me and makes him self MIA when I need him and he knows I need him. Then he appears and we’re best friends for one day, ONE DAY!! I can’t stand it. If he thinks my friendship with him is something he can play round with he’s wrong, because he’s hurting my heart too much and I can’t take it. 

Baekhyun has been like, I don’t know. He’s been like. Ugh I don’t know how to fucking describe him now. He’s what I’m dependent on and now what is he doing? He’s being an asshole to Jongin and I and I don’t understand it. 

I really don’t. 

It’s okay for him to hurt me but for him to hurt Jongin is not something I’m gonna stand and watch. It hurts too much. 

God I’m so angry I almost broke my pencil. 

Jongin’s telling me off for almost breaking my pencil and is telling me to go watch a movie with him so thats what i’m gonna do. 

Goodnight diary,

Oh Sehun


	73. 7th March 2018

Dear diary, 

Another group chat woooop wooop!!!

In philosophy that Lucas kid came up to me today and was like JUNGWOO TOLD ME ABOUT YOU! And that’s how I became friends with Lucas. 

He’s crazy, but I love it? Like he’s so funny and cool and he kept calling my name and saying ‘I love you’ and sending finger hearts to me? He stands out a lot because he’s got blonde hair and he’s suuuper loud. A complete opposite to the cute and fluffy and quiet and shy black haired Jungwoo. But I completely understand how that friendship works because they level each other out. 

Then once I walked out of class Lucas told me to give my number to him and as soon as I knew it I was in a new group chat which consisted of Jongin, Jungwoo, Lucas and I and Lucas tried to name the group chat ‘JongJungLuHun’ and then I made it ‘SeJoJuLu’ and then Jungwoo made it ‘friends !!’ So we left it like that so Lucas and I didn’t ‘argue’ anymore.

I thought Jongin would be confused but it turns out he knows Lucas from PE class (we all do sports n stuff sometimes but they study physical education) and he knows Jungwoo from science class!!! 

It felt nice to have a little group chat of people I don’t normally talk to (minus Jongin who I ALWAYS talk to) and wahhh I love them so much. Plus they are all in my year so it’s easier for us all to hang out. 

I had philosophy revision and I walked into the room and Junmyeon was there!!! They were both sitting on the bed and then Junmyeon jumped up and was like Sehun!!! And Yixing looked kind of high as usual and he said that Junmyeon was tutoring me today and I could’ve cried because I, Junmyeon enthusiast, couldn’t ask for anything better!! 

He’s an amazing teacher and teaches in a different way than Yixing normally does. 

So Yixing I normally do like test questions with him and he grades them but Junmyeon was helping me remember things and we did some spice diagrams and flash cards and he had all these cool colours and paper and it was really helpful!!

Junmyeon said that I worked hard, and that Yixing was hungry, so we ordered pizza and he didn’t even make me pay???

Junmyeon is just so lovely and I can see why Yixing hangs around with him because he’s super chill to be around, definitely tells too many dad jokes but that’s acceptable. 

The only thing that slightly dampened my mood was that Yixing asked where Baekhyun was and I said “I don’t know, he’s not my wife I don’t look after him” and Yixing said “you can tell yourself that but it’s not true hun” and Junmyeon laughed and I got embarrassed because it’s not true, and I don’t want Junmyeon to think that. 

So I had a better day than yesterday, I pretended I didn’t see Baekhyun when I was walking to my ethics class because he was linking arms with Luhan and once again I didn’t even know they were friends. I guess Baekhyun and I wasn’t even close at all lol. 

God I just want to know. 

It’s literally all I want, minus happiness for ‘my friends !!’ And Junmyeon and everyone else of my friends and family (who I need to call because it’s long overdue)

I want to know why he hates me

Quote of the day: “if you use bright colours, it distracts you’re teachers in thinking you’ve done more work” Yixing said to annoy Junmyeon because he said “Teachers love colours!!! It shows you like doing your work” 

Oh Sehun

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 45,000 words??? We’ve come along way haha


	74. 8th September 2018

Dear diary,

Ughhhh

I don’t understand why teachers think a weekend is an excuse for more homework??? It’s only Thursday and I have so much work to do over the weekend I wanna cry :(

Philosophy work needs to be done, English essay I haven’t even started. And I didn’t do anything this evening because I went to Chanyeol’s for a movie day oops. 

I walked in and Chanyeol was talking to someone so I assumed it was his room mate but he was actually face timing Joohyun, so I asked what the heck he was doing and he said that Joohyun and Yeri and him were FaceTiming and Yeri just left so I said a quick hello to Joohyun and she was telling me about one of her lessons and it seemed like she already told Chanyeol but that makes sense because they were face timing. 

We ended up hanging up on her after a while so we could watch our movie and it was chill because we had popcorn and sweets and in all it was a really chill evening. 

So In conclusion, I did not do my work. 

Why am I like this?

Also the more I learn about Jungwoo and Lucas the more I want to be best friends with them, and hate them. They’re both crazy. 

Quote of the day: (it’s not a quote but more of an action) Chanyeol laughed so hard he fell off the bed and as he stood back up he hit his head on his bedside cabinet. 

Dummy. 

Oh Sehun.


	75. 9th March 2018

Dear diary,

I don’t know how many times I’m going to write about Baekhyun upsetting me but here I go again. 

Today I had to work with Baekhyun and we didn’t talk at all, not one word. He barely looked at me. That on its own hurt me a lot because I can’t remember the last time he smiled at me and what happens if that’s the last time and I can’t remember what it looked like?? I’m loosing my best friend. 

He went on his break and recently he’s been sitting outside in the smoking area for the workers and it’s actually really pretty?? There’s a table and a few chairs and it’s under this little wooden canopy thing with fairy lights. 

Anyway, I knew he didn’t bring his coat and even though I’m angry at him I don’t want him getting unwell or getting a cold so I headed out there to take his coat and he said thanks and didn’t even look at me as he used it as a blanket kinda?

So I said “when are you gonna tell me what’s wrong?” And he had the audacity to say “I don’t need to tell you” and make this like noise which is like tch? I don’t know what that’s called. 

I got really angry and I couldn’t control my anger anymore so I just shouted something like “WELL YOU DONT NEED TO, BUT IM YOUR BEST FRIEND AND I DOMT KNOW WHATS HAPPENED BUT YOU HATE ME NOW” and he said “I hate you?” And said I was playing the victim and I asked what he meant and he said I don’t hate you, I hate Joohyun” and when I asked why he just said his break was over and walked passed me back into the restaurant. 

Why? I don’t understand, it’s hurting my heart that I don’t have him. Jongin said maybe he’s jealous because I told him what happened, Jongin said word to word “he’s jealous because you’re not his anymore” and I don’t understand because I am his best friend still? Or was. He’s the one who pushed me and Jongin out. 

Or, just me. 

I saw them two talking and they both looked like they were okay with each other. I’m scared they’re gonna leave me, one half already have so what’s gonna stop Jongin??? I’m already a bad friend as it is, he deserves more.

I don’t know what I would do without Jongin and if he leaves me I think I’ll go back home. I can’t live in a school without my two best friends and I feel like I’m just getting closer and closer to the day where I’m going to pack up my suitcases and go back home because all my friends hate me. 

I hope Jongin still likes me :(

Oh Sehun

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I’ll try to reply to comments by the end of this weekend !!! Thank you for all of them ❤️


	76. 10th March 2018

Dear diary,

Weekend again?! Time flies when schools stressing you, your friends stress you and when life stresses you too !!

Jongin helped me destress a lot today because he told me that he found this deal where it’s like you can go to two tourist places for cheap so we went to sea life and the London dungeon today !!!

Although I’m really really really against seeing animals kept in cages and smaller spaces than they should be, Sea life was beautiful. It was all blue and greens and Jongin and I took lots of pictures because we could and wahh it was so lovely. 

It’s the most fun I’ve had in a while and Jongin seemed like he was having fun so today was very very very good... until the dungeon part. 

So the London dungeons is a spooky scary ride ??? Show ??? Thing that tells you about scary things and Jongin and I went on it and Jongin and I kept screaming and getting getting funny looks. Both of us are just jumpy people !!!

We were on the train home and Jongin was showing me all the pictures he took like I hadn’t already seen them, or experienced them because... I was there .... but he was really happy so I let him show me the countless pictures he took of the stingrays which turned out to be his favourite thing. 

It was funny because at was walking home Jongin managed to almost fall over and I just luckily caught him and I was like HAHAH I caught you so now we’re even. And we linked arms for the rest of the walk even though that’s mine and Baekhyun’s thing. But if Baekhyun’s gonna walk round linking arms with everyone I guess I’ll do it too, except I want to do it with Jongin because he’s my best friend. 

Also I just called Joohyun and I was like ‘!!! 2 days till our first month anniversary !!!’ And she didn’t seem like she remembered and was like ‘oh yeah I forgot’ and I was a bit hurt but she told me she had to hang up because she had loads of work to do and she was tired so I guess her brain is on over drive and I should let it work on what it needs to be doing. 

I told her she should rest so I hope she does :(

I’m extra tired today because we did lots of walking so I’m going to sleep now :( it’s only 10:30 haha

Quote of the day: “If you were a sea animal what would you be?” Asked by the sexiest man alive, me.

“Obviously a stingray” said by Jongin 

“But Steve Irwin”, Said by some random guy on the train that seemed to be listening to our conversation??? And it was weird because we were speaking Korean and maybe it was a coincidence,,, maybe not. 

Oh Sehun


	77. 11th March 2018

Dear diary,

Today was odd. Odd as in ‘why am I such a bad boyfriend’ odd. 

Today Joohyun and i had a date so I thought I’d buy her flowers because it’s our month anniversary. So I bought her red roses because she wore a red dress on the valentine’s ball and I don’t know I thought red looked nice around her? 

It’s a coincidence because she was wearing a really pretty red dress when we met today and the coffee date went well and she seemed really happy so I was happy and when it came to walking her home she somehow snuck me into her dorms?? It was really scary because I didn’t want to get in trouble but it was exciting too because I would be able to spend more time with Joohyun.

This is where it went bad today ugh. 

We got to her room and she was like “my room mate won’t be home tonight” and that means like... when girls say that they want more than just kissing right? And I don’t think I was ready. 

We started kissing on the bed and it was more than just kissing because it felt like that I don’t know, and I didn’t feel comfortable at all and my heart beat was crazy and I just wanted to slow down and stop for a moment. 

I hate to even admit this because I’m such a cry baby but my phone started to ring I was so so so thankful. It was too early to anything more than that right? I mean it’s only a month in and it’s normal to want to wait a little longer right? I don’t know... 

Kyungsoo called and I definitely picked up and moved away for a moment and he was only asking if I wanted him to save me some of the food he had cooked, and I said yes obviously. 

Once I hung up I turned to Joohyun and she looked angry at me and I felt like such a bad boyfriend... she even said to me “It’s been a month and we haven’t done more than just kissing” and I kept saying sorry but she told me she had work to do so I should go, so I did. 

And I felt so bad because I don’t feel like I’m a good boyfriend, but I feel like I’m allowed to go at what pace I want to, because i don’t want to mess things up. None of this is making sense !!! It’s driving me insane because I still haven’t had the fireworks and I thought I would’ve had them by now. 

I went to Kyungsoos after I left and I told him what happened because Kyungsoo helps me a lot, and I think he helps me the tomato with my confusions. He even said that I should go at the pace I want to and that it’s okay that I wasn’t comfortable. 

But since Chanyeol wanted food too he as there and he said “you can go at your own pace, but remember you’re dating her and you have to treat her properly” and now I feel like an asshole because Chanyeol is right. I’m not treating her properly, I’m the worst ugh. 

I don’t know why she’s still dating me when I’m this pathetic that I can’t do more than kissing. 

The struggle is real.

Quote of the day: “the only thing I love more than Kyungsoo’s cooking is my mum and dad, so you’re special” said by Chanyeollie

“I don’t wanna feel special take it back” said by Kyungsoo

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> AHHH IM SO SORRY FOR THE LATE UPDATE!!!
> 
> My AO3 wouldn’t open so I couldn’t upload earlier oof


	78. 12th March 2018

Dear diary,

The weekends go too quick in my opinion, and I feel like I don’t use it properly. 

Today I had two lessons and then after that Taemin and I headed to the dance studio, and Jungwoo brought Lucas. We didn’t dance that much, we more just spoke and Lucas is a crackhead or something he’s crazy. 

Jungwoo is still adorable, and I still wanna squeeze his cheeks. 

It got even better because Jongin came and I had Jungwoo and Jongin and Taemin and LuCAS to cheer me up and I just had a squad of puppies round me and it was the best. 

Well, Jongin’s more of a bear but he can still be apart of my puppy squad. 

Today made me feel less stressed about yesterday,, Jongin told me it’s okay to be how I was and that I shouldn’t be rushed!!! So it does make sense... well... how I feel. 

I called Joohyun today and she seemed okay but she said she was heading to class so she had to hang up, so I think we’re okay. 

I hope we’re okay!!

Quote of the day: “Skkkkrt” said by Lucas 

“Sk-skurut” said by Jungwoo who tried to copy him but couldn’t so got mad and gave up and cuddled Lucas instead. 

Oh Sehun

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Do you guys like Lucas and Jungwoo??
> 
> Is there any characters you wanna see more of?


	79. 13th March 2018

Dear diary, 

ughhh school is driving me insane?? i have so much homework recently and every subject is kind of driving me insane. luckily i only have a three lessons tomorrow but i’m ready to just... give up... i have 5 lessons tomorrow AND revision with yixing :((( pray for me diary even though you can’t because you’re a book. 

i was ready to just like freak out but somehow lucas cheered me up. at first it consisted of him bugging me about the philosophy work and he wouldn’t stop poking me while sitting next to me on my bed (after letting himself in), but he started to cheer me up and we did the work together and i found it much easier because Lucas made me feel like it wasn’t as painful. 

i’m glad i’ve made new friends, but i’m still upset that i’m not as close to all my group of friends. like... i miss chilling with my whole group of boys like Chanyeol, Tao, Kyungsoo, Baek and Jongin. it’s upsetting me that i’m not as close to all of them. i don’t know what i did that were not as close anymore. 

maybe i should try to get us all together, it might make them realise that i’m trying to make our friendship work!! i hope so.

Lucas is bugging me AGAIN and wants me to go and ‘prank’ the twins (the new nickname for Lucas and Taemin) so i’m going to to that with him and Jongin. the plan consists of Lucas, nini and i running into the room and attacking them with our best hugs, best plan right???

Lucas called dibs on Jungwoo so nini and i are teaming up and attacking Taemin. 

so bye bye !!!

quote of the day: “give me a quote”, Said by me just now 

“Lucas is the best, Jongin’s the worst”, said by Lucas, the man himself. 

oh sehun


	80. 14th March 2018

dear diary,

i was thinking, and i realised its been a month since the ball. a whole month has passed. time is moving too fast again ??? it feels like only yesterday i was sitting with baekhyun at the bench-

I COMPLETELY FORGOT ABOUT X. 

i wonder what x is doing right now, it’d be nice to know who it was. they must’ve heard of me and joohyun because they stopped with the messages, or maybe they got scared because they thought i came with someone else, since Baekhyun was there.

earlier i called joohyun and once again she seemed angry at me? i asked why and she said she wasn’t in a good mood so she said she would hang up so she didn’t ruin my good mood. i understand why she did it but i wish there was a way that i could comfort her when she’s like this, i need to learn ways i can be a better boyfriend. or things i can do which can make her happy again !! 

things to make joohyun happy: 

\- talk about dance  
\- ask about her day? or what made her sad if she wants to talk about it?  
\- change the subject if she doesn’t want to talk about it   
\- ask her to meet and bring her favourite food   
\- text her a message? like a cute message like kyungsoo does when i’m sad   
\- send her cute memes 

im glad i’ve listed these because earlier i was really stressed about this, i was scared i was going to lose her because i don’t feel like i’ve been a good enough boyfriend. i think jongin could tell i was down because he grabbed Hunnie and Nini and went to the end of my bed and did some type of puppet show?

it was really funny and cute, its something adorable that only jongin could pull off. 

he cheered me up and i’m still in sooooo much debt to jongin. i owe him so much happiness. 

i went to tutoring and it was going well like usual and i did more practise questions, and once we finished yixing said that junmyeon was going to be tutoring me every other week since he enjoyed tutoring me so much !!! i was so happy i started to do like a little dance and even though yixing was laughing at me i was so happy. 

junmyeon is my role model and i just am so happy i’ll be seeing him more often !!

Yixing asked about baek again and i didn’t get angry but i did snap slightly, NOT IN A BAD WAY!!! i just had a slight tone when i answered. i said “ask him yourself, he won’t tell me” and yixing wasn’t mad, he just said “just let things air out, things will be solved eventually”. 

i always wondered how he stayed so chill and when i asked he said “I have a 72 hour policy, if it won’t matter in 72 hours it won’t matter now, if it’s not gonna hurt me in 72 hours it won’t hurt me now. Some things just need time” and i don’t know how i remember it word for word but i guess it just stuck with me. 

i’m going to try to live with the 72 hour rule, because i think i let things get to my head a lot and i’m going to see if this helps with clearing my head a bit!! i hope so. 

anyway, quotes of the day: “I wore a skirt one time and my parents laughed at me but the jokes on them because i looked better in it than my sister”, said by Tao when we were eating lunch. he’s a dork but i believe him when he said he would look cool in a skirt. m

oh sehun

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hi guys !! sorry if the updates aren’t as good... my mental health isn’t good at the moment but i’m trying my hardest!!!
> 
> thank you all for the lovely comments and reads !! if you have anything you want to see or anything you want to say please comment :)


	81. 15th March 2018

dear diary,

i found out today what my shifts are so i finally have a set week plan!!! since i’ve only been working when they needed us but now i have set days and set work mates !!!

Tuesday 4-9 where i’ll work with Minho and i’m suuuuupeer excited 

Friday 4-9 with baekhyun and i hope this means we can work out our friendship sometime soon !!

Saturday 12-5 with minho and baekhyun since the lunch shift is very very busy !!! and i think minho will work till 5 as well, but baekhyun will be there until they don’t need him anymore :(

i texted joohyun this and she seemed in a much better mood because she knew i could spend more time with her and she said that since saturday nights are free we could hang in her dorm more often... i’ll try to not think of it in that way (as in sex) 

when i got home jongin was on MY bed with MY laptop AGAIN!! it’s like no one owns a laptop except me and i started to attack him but he’s getting stronger than me so he won and dragging me into bed to watch a movie together so it was fun !!!

today was good but i’m thinking about making a plan for Baekhyun and i to be friends again... since he told me he didn’t like joohyun. i don’t want to intrude in his business but if the reason he doesn’t want to be friends with me anymore is because of joohyun i need to know why. maybe i can find a way to get them to meet with just us three so joohyun and baekhyun can learn to get along, and baekhyun won’t hate her?? i think baekhyun is over reacting with the word hate, i just don’t think he doesn’t know her well enough yet. 

i’m super tired so goodnight !! 

quote of the day: “chanyeol is over 6ft and he’s only 18, can someone explain?”, said by kyungsoo as he legit looked up to chanyeol. 

oh sehun

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> wahh im so sorry ... my ao3 is really not working??


	82. 16th March 2018

dear diary,

english. is. stressful.

sometimes i don’t understand the language sometimes. like.... i’m okay at english, my written work is readable and sometimes the sentences i write make sense most of the time, but what the fuck is the language?? 

i don’t understand big words sometimes and i have to google it and even then sometimes it doesn’t make sense :( 

when i sit with my friends we normally speak our actual language because it makes sense, sometimes kyungsoo and i speak english because he wants me to practise it... even though i live in london... work in a restaurant where i can only speak english (i’m good enough at it is what my point is !!)

sometimes i forget words but people are patient most of the times so it’s okay!! 

oh.. i was writing about this because my english essay needs big words and instead of focusing on my essay i’m writing this instead woop woooooop !!! 

i’m  
so  
bored 

i’m stressed about a lot of things and sometimes i can figure out how to deal with it, but sometimes i can’t... 

like, i can sort school stress out sometimes because i can talk to my teachers and they sometimes help. i was stressed about philosophy but now i have yixing- and junmyeon !!! so i’m glad i can fall back on my teachers to help. 

i wish i had a teacher who could find me a tutor who can help me with baekhyun. i had work with baekhyun today and again we didn’t talk, i tried to talk to him a few times today at work but he just kept being sad and not answering back.

work wasn’t that bad though because joohyun came in to surprise me and i thought it would be a good time for her and baekhyun to be good friends so i asked baekkie to eat dinner with us and he just shook his head and went out for food... which he normally doesn’t do? i was confused but joohyun cooked for me again so i was happy !! we sat and ate the food and (i saved some for jongin too).

speaking of jongin, i finished work early so we’re gonna try and make a bed fort because we have nothing better to do (minus my essay but he doesn’t need to know shhh) 

bye bye!!

quote of the day: “lucas!” said by jungwoo in a real cute voice when lucas walked into the room and jongin tried to copy but we all laughed at him 

oh sehun


	83. 17th March 1018

dear diary,

today i did my first official lunch shift and it was pretty quiet?? i cleaned most of the restaurant and i was really pleased with the work i did because you could tell i tried my hardest. 

with the shop it’s kind of divided into 3 areas??? (i need to stop writing shop when it’s a restaurant i’m just too lazy ugh) 

the restaurant is long and section A is where on the right side there are booths and on the right is where there is like the till and the coffee/drink area making thingy is?? and next to that is an open kitchen so the customers can see the chefs cook!! 

then section B is 3 tables of four but you can push them together and we normally do that for parties and stuff.

section C is the biggest part! on the left there is more tables of 4 and some tables of 2, and then on the right there are more booths. 

then there’s the door to the hallway which leads to the staff room, toilets and the stock room, AND another door which leads to the outside smoking/chilling area for the workers which is really cute because of the fairy lights and stuff. 

ANYWAY I DONT KNOW WHY I WROTE THAT ALL!!!

i firstly cleaned section C with minho because it’s at the back and people usually sit at the front, we pulled all the booths out and cleaned them and did a daily clean after that. and we worked our way down the shop until it was all clean.

baekhyun served the customers and he seemed in a better mood than usual so i was happy!! i didn’t want to see him get sad so i didn’t talk to him because recently that’s what happens when i speak to him. he’s great with customers so i helped when he needed me!

i wish i did speak to him now thought, maybe i’m selfish but sometimes just hearing baekhyun’s voice is like... i don’t know. theres a saying but i’m not sure what it is. 

either way, he didn’t speak to me today, he spoke to customers so i did hear his voice. i think because i’m selfish i would be okay with him talking to me even if it’s telling me to fuck off, because at least he’s still talking to me. 

ANYWAY. 

i think my boss has noticed baekhyun’s change too because he pulled me aside and asked about baekhyunnie. he asked why he’s taking on more shifts and why he isn’t as lively anymore with the customers. 

baekhyun used to be the best waiter when it came to customer service but now since he’s angry at me, and because minho hates loosing, minho is our best.

i got home about 5:30 and it was snowing heavily agAIN UGH!! i’m tired of snow. 

i know i never got to see it for ages,,, but now it’s never leaving and i’m chilly all the time and it means extra cuddles from everyone (never complaining).

SPEAKING OF CUDDLES!!

kyungsoo and i wanted to have a movie night so i headed over to his and chanyeol was there so i was suuuuper happy because those two make me extra happy. 

we started watching a movie but about half way through chanyeol got a call and had to leave so he told us NOT to tell the ending. 

so.... once we finished Kyungsoo texted him the ending and he got angry and i laughed. 

we ended up just chilling and kyungsoo and i cuddled and you would think i’m the big spoon since i’m long and he’s... lacking in longness. 

nope!!’ he was the big guy and i was used as a personal book rest hmph. i was laying on his chest and he put his book on me. but it’s okay because it’s kyungsoo and he’s not always up for skinship so i’ll take any opportunity i can !!

anyway, i remembered the saying so

quote of the day: home isn’t a house, it’s something or someone which brings you peace.

that’s baekhyun/jongin/kyungsoo to me. 

oh sehun

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> does that make it 50,000 words !!!
> 
> i’m going to reply to comments tomorrow, i’m super excited to read all of the lovely ideas !!


	84. 18th March 2018

dear diary,

today we had a whole squad meet. finally. 

so me, jongin, kyungsoo, tao, baekhyun and chanyeol? i think listed everyone my brain isn’t working because i’m super tired !! 

we met in our normal place (the dance room) and we all brought stuff to eat and i brought crisps (doritos because they are my favourite at the moment) and normally we all sit in the same places but this time baekhyun sat somewhere else (next to chanyeol and not me) so i was really like... done with it. also... i saw chanyeol put his arm around baekhyun and i was angry at first but baekhyun took his arm off? so i’m confused. because did they argue? i’m not sure. 

tao even asked ‘what’s wrong with baek?’ and i didn’t even know how to answer because i’m not that good of a friend anymore, i don’t think baekhyun wants me as a friend anymore. 

i just said i didn’t know, tao didn’t really seem to believe it but that’s all i have. 

so jongin asked if we could show our new dance and i was really excited because we made it up in an hour? because it was half improv when we were dancing together but we kept running it and it became a dance woop !! plus i really like the song. it’s called hot hands by darius because i found it on spotify and it jongin liked it too!!! 

so we danced and poof a dance. 

anyway, everyone really liked the dance and baekhyun cheered so i was supper happy!!! my cheeks hurt from smiling and i somehow got my tongue caught in my brace and it hurt and it started bleeding. everyone laughed but it’s okay because i was with my friends and everyone was happy. 

anyway!!! we stayed for ages until kyungsoo said we was gonna cook so we went to the first year kitchen and we all waited on the sofas (the kitchen is weird) and then we had egg fried rice !!! it was super good !! 

so the kitchen is like... when you walk in there is 3 circle tables to your left with about 6 chairs around the outside and we were all gonna sit at the table but we instead sat on the sofas which are on the back wall. on the right wall is a big kitchen with an island and it’s really cool. kyungsoo’s in their the most but i don’t care because it’s amazing !!! he cooks for he gods. 

today was super nice and i think i’m going to sleep happy today !! 

quote of the day: “yet i close my eyes till the pictures return, unfocused at first, then almost clear, an old film played at slow speed”, it’s from a poem by carol ann duffy called first love. it’s a really good poem. 

WAIT

i’m gonna write it so i can remember it forever!!!

Waking, with a dream of first love forming real words,  
as close to my lips as lipstick, I speak your name,  
after a silence of years, into the pillow, and the power  
of your name brings me here to the window, naked,  
to say it again to a garden shaking with light.  
This was a child's love, and yet I clench my eyes  
till the pictures return, unfocused at first, then  
almost clear, an old film played at a slow speed.  
All day I will glimpse it, in windows of changing sky,  
in mirrors, my lover's eyes, wherever you are.

And later a star, long dead, here, seems precisely  
the size of a tear. Tonight, a love-letter out of a dream  
stammers itself in my heart. Such faithfulness.  
You smile in my head on the last evening. Unseen  
flowers suddenly pierce and sweeten the air.

 

there’s something about poetry that moves me, there’s many poems i read and i’m like.... i have to take a moment because my hearts stopped because words are so powerful. i don’t know i think i sound crazy but i really love poetry.

i need to stop writing my poetry on my macbook and in my diary!!!! but it’s harder to write poetry in my book because i change words as i go and i don’t know, i don’t want to rip pages out of my book oops.

WAIT I HAVE AN IDEA !!!

next time i write a poem i’ll finish it on my macbook, and copy it into my book !! that means if my macbook breaks or something i’ll have some of my poems in my diary. 

oh sehun

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i have an idea!???
> 
> would you guys want me to make a spotify playlist which is like... sehuns account? so i’ll make a playlist of sehuns music !!
> 
> let me know oof


	85. 19th March 2018

dear diary,

WEEK ONE

Monday:  
P1/drama   
P4/English  
P5/drama 

Tuesday:   
P4/drama   
P6/drama   
after school drama   
work 4-9

Wednesday:   
P1/philosophy  
P4/english  
P5/philosophy  
P6/drama   
philosophy revision

Thursday:  
P2/english   
P4/citizenship   
P5/english   
P6/drama  
work 4-9 

Friday:  
P3/philosophy   
P4/drama   
P6/ethics

 

WEEK TWO

Monday:   
P1/drama   
P2/english 

Tuesday:   
P2/drama   
P3/philosophy   
P4/ethics   
work 4-9

Wednesday:   
P2/general RE  
P3/english   
P4/ethics   
P5/english   
P6/drama   
philosophy revision 

Thursday:   
P1/english   
P2/english   
P3/drama   
P4/citizenship   
P5/drama   
work 4-9

Friday:  
P1/english   
P3/english   
P4/drama   
P5/philosophy 

finally have written down my school schedule woop woop! my favourite day is week 2 thursday because i love english and drama and it’s double of that day so it’s super fun !!

my least favourite day is week 2 wednesdays because it’s my busiest day ugh the struggle is real to have actual lessons omg. 

my teachers for english are heechul and mrs kim but she lets us call her Hyoyeon and they are both really good good teachers hahahah i love them. 

general RE is just an essay but we have a lesson for it so we have time to do it. 

for ethics i have mrs Park and he’s really lovely and he teaches in a way i understand. 

ALSO MY PHILOSOPHY TEACHER LOOKS EXACTLY LIKE MINSEOK REALLY BAD !!! Mr Kwon is quite short but he’s really woke and cool. 

 

i got distracted!! chanyeol came into our room like hELP I NEED A LAPTOP FOR MY ESSAY MINE BROKE !!! he asked jongin first but jongin was using his so i gave him mine because i don’t need mine till wednesday woop. 

 

DISTRACTED AGAIN!!!

joohyun called me and she asked to meet up and i said i can’t because of work and she got angry at me :( she said something like “well I thought you’d make time for me, you’re always busy” and i know it’s true it seems i’m always busy but i really can’t help it :( 

i think i work a lot because i don’t like spending my parents money. i don’t like to admit it but my family are doing fine when it comes to money, my parents are successful and so is my brother, i don’t need to work but i feel a need to. 

i felt sad so jongin cheered me up and i told jongin how much he meant to me and in all honesty, these recent weeks have been hard on me and i’ve really depended on jongin, my sAVIOUR 

quote of the day: (reading a poster) “a call for your ideas, get noticed by world class engineering companies”, said jongin 

“more like a call for death”, said by lucas 

oh sehun


	86. 20th March 2018

dear diary,

i don’t know what to think.  
all i want to do is sleep. 

or i want this all to be a dream. 

i just thought she loved me, i’m so stupid.

oh sehun

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> what do you think happened ???


	87. 21st March 2018

dear diary,

i’m still confused at what happened yesterday. it seems like a blur but i can remember everything. i haven’t told anyone because i’m so ashamed, so... i don’t know, i can’t believe it.

yesterday was okay, work was quiet so my manager let me leave early with minho, and even then the shift was fun with him so i thought yesterday would’ve been a good day.

i needed my laptop for drama and i remembered chanyeol had it. so i went to his dorm and walked in and... there she was. 

chanyeols bed is on the right side so when i walked in the first thing i saw was joohyun sitting on chanyeols lap like she used to do to me. 

i just can’t believe this happened. my chanyeol, with my joohyun. my girlfriend and one of my friends. i hope and prayed it was a dream but it wasn’t anything close to that. 

i felt numb so i just stood there staring, and both of them turned round and joohyun didn’t even seem shocked, she seemed surprised when chanyeol was shocked. it was stupid but i said sorry and walked out the door and shut it behind me. 

i wish i stayed and shouted all the fucking words i know. how could they do this? i can’t wrap my head around it. 

i cried as soon as i stepped out the room and i ran to my room, i haven’t got out of bed since, unless i need to go toilet but yeah. 

i turned off my phone so even if either of them want to talk to me they can’t. 

i don’t even have my laptop so i’m just sitting here switching between crying and sleeping. 

i didn’t even go school today, i only turned on my phone to text yixing i can’t come revision because i’m sick. 

jongin seemed worried but i can’t tell him yet, not when i don’t even understand it myself. he brought me food and water and i said thanks, but that’s the only time we spoke. 

i’m gonna go back to crying now because crying helps. 

oh sehun

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> when i finish this i wanna make a hard copy of this lol


	88. 22nd March 2018

dear diary,

i didn’t go school again today, i’ve been doing my work from dorm because i don’t think i’m mentally well ?? or right in the head i guess at the moment. 

my heart feels like it’s breaking, for more than one reason. 

joohyun was my girlfriend, is my girlfriend? i don’t know what we are anymore. we used to be something. she was my first girlfriend and i had feelings for her, even though they weren’t fireworks i think i really liked her. and i thought she liked me too but i just feel really betrayed, is it because i couldn’t do anything sexual? maybe...

maybe it’s my fault then, i couldn’t be the boyfriend she needed me to be. she should’ve just broken up with me, not cheated on me and ruined our relationship, and mine and chanyeols. 

oh, and fucking park chanyeol. 

i’ve had a lot of time to think about this and maybe the reason why chanyeol gave me so much advice about my relationship was maybe to fucking ruin it. how could he do that to me? we’ve been friends since i’ve came here and i feel so stupid for thinking that we actually were friends. 

we obviously weren’t as close as i thought. he wouldn’t of hurt me that way if we were friends. 

all those times we were there for each other seems so fake. 

i’m so stupid, i even let him borrow my laptop while he was cheating with my girlfriend. 

i really must be thick in the head if i thought i could have friends, or friends not my age.

baekhyun hates the fuck out of me and i can’t even say way because i don’t know. and now chanyeol gets with my girlfriend.

maybe i’m not as good of a person as i thought if i get all this thrown back at me.

oh sehun


	89. 23rd March 2018

dear diary,

i had to call up work today to say i couldn’t come in, i’m feeling a bit useless right now but i think it’s okay to feel how i am. 

i still haven’t told anyone and i don’t know if chanyeol or joohyun have, but i don’t know what to say. “hey everyone, just to let you know joohyun cheated on me with chanyeol”. “wassup squad, how is everyone? me? great, my hearts just dying.”

work said it’s okay if i don’t come in and that i need to feel better soon, i hope i fell better soon.

jongin has been bringing me food and being here for me, but i feel so stupid for admitting that i’ve been cheated on. i feel so weak and useless. i’ve lost 2 people i cared about a lot. sometimes when i’m crying jongin will climb into bed with me and tell me it’s okay, and when i’m ready i can say what’s wrong. 

i’m sure he knows. 

but i’m thankful he’s not forcing me, i’m thankful he’s here for me. he’s the only person i really trust now. 

also, jongin brought my laptop back and said “chanyeol said he’s sorry, but it’s only a day late right?” and i wanted to laugh so bad but all the energy i had left could only managed a ‘sure’.

i’ve been trying do to work but i’ve been watching movies... crying. showering.

i miss being happy. i wish i could take it back to February when i had all my friends, when baekhyun still cared and chanyeol wasn’t a cheater, when joohyun was just a friend. when people still needed me. 

maybe i’m in my head but, i don’t know. i just don’t have a place. people can do stuff without me and nothing’s changed. 

that’s why chanyeol could kiss my girlfriend, and maybe do more. maybe that’s why joohyun found it so easy to cheat.

i don’t know, i’m gonna stop writing before i cry and wake jongin up. i feel bad because he’s laying right next to me and every time i get close to the end of the page i elbow him kinda in the eye because he’s resting on my chest. 

he’s the only person i can trust. 

 

oh sehun.


	90. 24th March 2018

dear diary,

today was tense... 

i didn’t leave my room today and everything went head up? is that the saying... i don’t know. 

about... 6ish there was a knock on the door and surprise, it was baekhyun. i was so frustrated because he came in and was like   
“why weren’t you in yesterday?” and now he cares? now he wants to fucking turn up with that sad face of his and pretended he even worried all the time he was gone. 

so i said that. i said something like “so you turn up now? Go away Baekhyun I don’t need this right now” and at first he looked really angry but once again, he didn’t care. he turned around and walked back out. thanks baekhyun !!!

jongin just laid with me after and was there for me, i’m so thankful for him. i keep saying that but i don’t know what else to say... he’s just... i don’t know. special. 

then my day got better, and better as in worse. 

about half hour later chanyeol came in and he tried to talk to me and i was so fucking angry that all i could manage to say was “you steal your friends girlfriend and now you’re here trying to fucking get my friendship back?” and i couldn’t even make eye contact with jongin because i felt so ashamed, so embarrassed. 

chanyeol looked like he was about to cry, but i had been crying for so many days straight i guess he can taste a bit of my medicine. 

chanyeol was saying something how we are friends and that he’s so sorry and i started laugh and i said he was one of my close friends but friends don’t do what he did, then i told him to leave.

i think he said sorry one more time then left, jongin was just staring at me and my head just dropped because i felt so stupid.

he came over and hugged me again and it was a proper squeeze and it made me cry even harder. i told him about how it hurt more that chanyeol did that, and how i feel stupid because after looking back all this time i was so oblivious. 

at least jongin knows now.

oh sehun


	91. 25th March 2018

dear diary,

who knew turning off your phone after getting cheated on meant you’d turn it back on to too many missed messages... 

i had 32 from chanyeol, 12 from baekhyun, over 100 from jungwoo, taemin, lucas and jongin in our group chat and a few others too. but... one from joohyun. 

one. 

‘sorry.’ that’s all i got. 

jongin said i needed to get out of the dorm so today we went out with jungwoo becuase ‘jungwoo is our baby and he always makes us happy’ according to jongin. and he does make happy, he’s innocent and it’s nice to see people like him. and where jungwoo goes, lucas comes too. it was almost all of our group but taemin forgot to do homework so he couldn’t come.

i really wasn’t in the mood but we visited china town and took a lot of pictures, jungwoo and lucas made sure we took a picture everywhere we went. we ate at this really nice candy cafe and we ended up sharing lots of food and i felt so full, it’s the most i’ve eaten in a long time.

once we got back baekhyun magically got into our room... as usual. if it was a month ago i would be happy to see baekhyun sitting there but it made me angry because i wanted to be alone, but he asked to speak to me alone so jongin went to jungwoo’s room and i sat on the end of my bed so i didn’t have to be too close to him.

i felt so awkward for the first time with baekhyun, it’s the first time we’ve spoken in a while and it felt so foreign to me, i really didn’t like it.

he asked me what was wrong and i was too tired to care, so i just said it straight. he said what the fuck and pulled me into a hug and it felt weird but once again, i was too tired to care. it felt weird because it’s always felt so right to be in baekhyuns arms, but he’s been gone for so long that i’m not sure if he even cares. 

he kept saying stuff like “i’m gonna kill chanyeol”, and “i hated joohyun anyway” and then he asked if he could stay and i said something like ‘you treated me like shit, you can’t just come back into my life and act as if you didn’t hurt me’. and it hurt because he looked like he was about to cry, and i never want to do that to him, it was a punch in the stomach.

 

and it hurt more because he kept saying sorry and saying he didn’t like joohyun but i don’t think it was really about joohyun and that he was just using her as an excuse. i told him i deserved more than that, and that even if we were friends he hurt me a lot. i told him i wanted more of an explanation.

he just said that he couldn’t otherwise things would change, but he pinky promised that he would never hurt me again. i pinky promised even though i’m sure he won’t keep it, friends shouldn’t need to promise not to hurt each other again, the same way friends should know not to cheat. sometimes i feel like i’m the only one with common sense these days...

baekhyun did leave though, i was happy because i didn’t want to kick him out but i’ve got to stick to my guns and show him that i won’t be hurt by anyone anymore. 

i texted jongin to come back to the room and he did and jumped on the bed and almost broke my back but i was too tired to worry about dying so i pulled him into the biggest hug i could do with all the energy i had. we slept for a bit but i woke up and realised i haven’t written today so i had to push jongin off of me (i whispered sorry)

back to cuddles i go, bye bye

oh sehun


	92. 26th March 2018

dear diary,

today it was minseoks birthday and because he’s the house captain the WHOLE of ailbhe had a party and you could hear it everywhere you went. it seemed super fun i saw the pictures on instagram and now i can’t wait till may 22nd because that’s junmyeons birthday. 

i guess it’s a tradition but all of ailbhe house ran round the dorm room area screaming HAPPY BIRTHDAY in so many languages it sounded so cool but i heard baekhyun shout HAPPY BIRTHDAY UGLY BITCH and then his laugh and i think that just proves how loud he is. 

i went to classes today and it was nice because i was distracted. 

oof i’m too tired becuase i’ve been catching up on work. 

quote of the day: “i wish i was ailbhe”, said jongin as he saw the birthday cake go past. 

oh sehun


	93. 27th March 2018

dear diary,

today was odd but... very comforting. 

jongin decided that baekhyun, him and i needed some ‘musketeer time’ and i was nervous because i didn’t know how baekhyun and i would be but i think jongin is one smart bear because with him there it was less awkward!! 

we went out for coffee but all three of us ended up getting hot chocolate. it felt weird to have us three together again but also felt natural? like life was unpaused and things went back to normal.

i missed hearing baekhyun laugh, and his clingness. even though i don’t think i’m comfortable with it fully now, because i used to feel special when he did it to me but i realised he’s like that with anyone, minseok and people... 

i kind of shrugged him off once and he didn’t do it again so i’m glad he noticed because he said a small sorry and stopped. all three of us filled in a months worth of friendship gossip on our coffee date. 

after they walked me to work and it was nice because jongin and baekhyun sat down and got ice cream and i got to serve them. 

 

i just realised its been a week since i last spoke to joohyun. and chanyeol. or cu- i was going to make a joke out of chanyeols name but i decided that word it too rude to have in my diary, even if it describes chanyeol perfectly. i’ve never said it out loud but... i think it would work for him. 

i still don’t know how i properly feel. but i feel more okay this week, i smiled more and things feel like they are becoming more peaceful. 

i’m becoming happy again

quote of the day: “how have my two children been?” baekhyun said when we first met up and it made me laugh as he’s only like a year older than us. 

oh sehun

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ALMOST 100 WAHHH


	94. 28th March 2018

dear diary,

today was a weird day, i had bad news and fun? so it kinda levelled out at the end. 

i woke up with a text from my mum and she said that because no one will be home there was no point of me going back, basically saying i’m not going home for my holidays. 

it sucks because i miss my family a lot, it’s been forever since we’ve all been together and it’s gonna be summer next time we see each other now. i miss my mums cooking, and my dads laugh. AND... even though it sounds stupid... i miss seyoung and i arguing over stupid things. 

jongin was there because he’s my room mate... duh, and he was super nice about it and said he wasn’t going home either, so we decided to have an easter egg hunt on easter so we can have fun woop.

i had revision today and junmyeon and yixing were there? and i was like... shit do i have two tutors today and i was riGht UGHHHH

but it wasn’t bad because at first it was work and it was funny because where yixing is harsh with his marking and junmyeons not, so when i was being marked they kept ‘arguing’ and yixing would mark harsh and junmyeon would take the sheet and mark it again and draw bunnies on it saying ‘good job’ and in total, most of my questions had 2 sets of marks for it. 

after a while though we ended up just theorising between us and questioning the meaning of life and evil and suffering and it was cool to speak about things like this with people not in my class because i get views i haven’t heard before. 

as usual revision ran over and for the first time in FOREVER !!! Baekhyun ran in with jongdae and shouted “MY BEST FRIEND HAS BEEN MISSING 43 MORE MINUTES THAN HE NEEDS TO BE, GIVE HIM BACK” and it was really funny because we were all sitting on the floor and he was standing facing us in some fighting pose pointing his finger at junmyeon and yixing. 

and yixing just smiled at me and it was a look that was like “so you’re friends now” and i just smiled back which meant “kinda” and then i ended up leaving (more like baekhyun dragging me out i barely had time to stand up) and going to my room to chill with jongin who was apparently waiting with baekhyun BECAUSE WHEN I CAME BACK HE WAS ALL POUTY SITTING ON HIS BED LIKE “we almost started watching the new rupaul drag race episode without you” and i jumped and hugged him and was like IM SORRYYY and baekhyun asked why he didn’t get that reply when he came to collect me and i said “because jongin doesn’t DRAG me out of my revision class”

we ended up watching the episode and IM SO EXCITED WOOP 

quote of the day: “what happens if i die tomorrow?”, said by tao who was having a bit of a life questioning moment and then kyungsoo was like “then you might want to start your midlife crisis now because your a bit late” 

oh sehun 

when i have the confidence i’ll tell them what happened.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i really want to make a physical copy of this where i can add his doodles and his poems and things he’s stuck in at the end. 
> 
> would anyone like if i did that? 
> 
> it would be like you’ve stolen his diary and you’re reading it lol


	95. 29th March 2018

dear diary,

so today i told kyungsoo about chanyeol and oof he didn’t take it well. we were in his room and it kinda just came out and he just stared at me as if i told him i was pregnant and he just seemed so shocked... i felt bad because i didn’t want to make him sad but he grabbed me and took me to the first year kitchen which is never used for actual cooking minus ramen and he made me my favourite home dish and we ate it together and he made me feel a lot better because i was home sick. 

that was a long sentence.

kyungsoo wanted to watch movies and i knew jongin was staying over taemins and jungwoo (i was meant to go but cancelled because i was going to hang out with kyungsoo) so we had a sleep over in my room because it was last day of term before spring holidays!!

we watched dead pool and normally kyungsoo doesn’t do touchy feely stuff but i think he knew i needed a hug so we ended up spooning in some way except i was the little spoon because i wanted the cuddles, and then had the laptop in front of me and it was nice. very peaceful, i almost fell asleep but i forgot to write this.

also it’s joohyuns birthday today, i didn’t text her. she didn’t deserve my birthday text. 

kyungsoo is waiting for me to start a new movie so i’m gonna go, bye bye !!

quote of the day: “you’re my son, of course i’m going to cook for you” kyungsoo said with a straight face. 

oh sehun


	96. 30th March 2018

dear diary,

today we had a group meeting before everyone went back to their homes for easter break, as usual we met in our dance room except chanyeol wasn’t there, and baekhyun sat next to me and jongin sat on the other side.

tao asked where chanyeol was and before i could even say baekhyun just said “joohyun cheated on sehun with that asshole, so he won’t be coming back” and everyone looked at me and i wanted to run away but i knew they were my friends, i knew they were here for me. baekhyun seemed super angry and i had to like... tap his leg?? so he would snap out of it. and then he ignored it and even though he holds hands with everyone, i held onto his hand so he would snap out of it. 

everyone stood up and hugged me and i almost died because they were all bundled on top of me. but i felt safe, to be with all of them. even though kyungsoo didn’t jump on he patted Taemin on the top. 

we all spoke for the last time until the two week holiday finished and it made me sad because i love my friends oof. only jongin, baekhyun and kyungsoo staying but they are great company. i love them. 

eventually baekhyun and i had to leave because baekhyun and i had work but... BAEKHYUN AND I HAD WORK!!! together. working well. and i love every moment of it FOR ONCE!!!

when we went on our break we sat outside in the staff area even though it was raining, but we huddled and it was warm. 

when we got back though there was this crazy woman sitting down and she didn’t leave for 6 HOURS???? and when we closed she got angry and swore at all of us, but that’s not the weirdest thing. she ordered weird food but... she ordered a fruit and nut ice cream... without ice cream ?????

anyways, she was rude and told me to fuck off because i said to her “have a nice night” and baekhyun was laughing at her and in total, a good but weird night. 

when we were walking home we were just catching up and it was just nice. 

life is looking good, even though i miss my family and i can’t go home and i got cheated on, i’m still feeling okay. i’m getting okay. 

quote of the day: when we need food/drinks to be made we go to the barista or the cooking section and the barista section is where desserts are made too so i walked up to that section and was like, “can i have a fruit and nut ice cream with no ice cream”, said by MEEEE

“a... fruit and nut ice cream... with no ice cream?” said by baekhyun who was running the barista station. then he bursted out laughing. 

oh sehun 

work and him and baek finally work well together

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WAHHHH HELLO!!!
> 
> just to let you guys know who like baekai/kaibaek whatever it’s called, i wrote a one shot thingy called ‘wrong time’ and i’m really proud of it!! let me know what you guys think about it!!


	97. 31st March 2018

dear diary,

TODAY WAS AMAZING!!!! 

i got home from work and i was bummed because work was slow and stuff but then... i got called to the school office and i was scared because i thought i was in trouble or something but when i got there... MY FAMILY WAS THERE!! they surprised me. 

and i cried and ran to my mum. my mum, dad, brother and uncle were there and i was so so so happy to see them all. we went out for dinner and we all caught up and my family was talking about all the adventures they had gone on. 

my mum has been dealing with the family business and broadening it over in Australia so she’s been travelling back and forth from SK to Australia and because she basically lived in Australia for a couple months when she ordered her food i was like WHO IS THAT? her english has caught an accent and it’s so cool.

my dad has been doing the same with the business except in New Zealand !! and he was telling us about the new shops and places that are going under construction so i’m excited to visit them, i’ve never been New Zealand before. 

Seyoung has been living in America and he was just telling us about his adventures and he just sounds like he’s having so much fuN UGHHHH. 

my uncle hasn’t been doing much, but that’s him for you. 

I think the waiter thought we were a weird family because my mum had an almost Australian accent, my dad with a new Zealand one, my strong British accent and then Seyoung with his American one, and my uncle with no english at all. a weird bunch, BUT A GOOD BUNCH!!

i found i out they are staying in a hotel near my school till Friday because they all got time off work to see me. just to know they all did that made me super happy, it’s the extra cheering up i needed. i can’t stop smiling as i write this oh my god. 

life is going well, the family business is expanding and getting better!!! hopefully when i get my braces off and have a wild glow up (learnt that today from the internet) i’ll be able to model some of the clothes my family produce, i don’t have enough talent to design the clothes like my mum and dad do but hopefully one day i’ll be useful to the company !!! 

it was only in December it was a small Korean company now my family are going WORLD WIDE! i’m super excited.

for now i’ll just work in my little restaurant. 

 

i was surprised to see my uncle, thinking of it. he’s always preferred my brother over me because i preferred to sit with my mum while all the guys of the family would play football or something when we had family gatherings. i remember when i was eleven they made me join in and i couldn’t play too well, especially because it was my first time and probably everyone else thousandth time playing, and because i sucked my uncle told me to go sit with the rest of the girls like i always did. obviously it hurt but i was happy enough to, after all who wants to play a game where all you do is swear and get angry with each other when you can sit and talk and make each other happy, it never made sense to me. 

plus my uncle thinks i’m gay because of that, it’s weird that not playing a ‘mans’ game (according to my uncle) makes you gay. i don’t understand.

slight rant about my uncle but i’m just confused is all, he’s always disliked me oops. 

quote of the day: “when do i get to meet kyungsoo? is he home? DID HE STAY?” by my mum 

oh sehun


	98. 1st April 2018

dear diary,

happy easter past self if you’re reading this!!!

today was pretty peaceful, the family and i went out for a meal and we had a roast dinner styled thing, and it was really good!! i could’ve died i ate so much.

since it was business talk yesterday, we spoke above more mundane stuff and i ended up telling my family about joohyun, not that she cheated, i said we broke up. my family were concerned, minus my uncle of course who joked about it for rest of the day, but my mum told him to cut it out. it still made me feel like, i don’t know crappy because he said she broke up with me because i’m gay. the only insult he has but, it still has a sting to it. 

mum and i went out after and walked round hyde park for a bit and she was telling me how much she wants to meet kyungsoo and jongin so we made plans (i called them) to meet tomorrow and i’m super excited. 

i’m super tired because i’m writing quite late, i haven’t had much time to write anything recently haha.

anyways,

quote of the day: jongin ran into the room with lucas chasing him “FUCK YOU LUCAS YOU CANT HAVE MY ROLO EASTER EGG” and then lucas jumped on him and stole his egg. 

oh sehun.


	99. 2nd April 2018

dear diary,

so today was weird and cute. 

kyungsoo, jongin, baek and i went out with my mum to hyde park for a picnic, kyungsoo and my mum making two separate picnics so there was double the food. they became like... best friends instantly, talking about food and seasonings and ME. kyungsoo was saying how he’s my mum and my mum was laughing so now i apparently have two mums. baekhyun said that he was my dad and kyungsoo told him to shut up because he would be the worst dad and i got embarrassed because i thought my mum would think my friends at weirdos, but she likes them!

we ate near this tree and even though it was a bit cold it was really fun. i think my mum really likes my friends so i hope she’ll let them visit when i go back to home for a holiday.

what was weird though was that when we had to leave jongin asked mum for a hug and when she said yeah he proper like... cuddled her. like he gave her a big old squeeze and i get that she’s my mum so obviously she’s cute cus duh im cute, im joking, but does jongin have a crush on my mum?

did i actually write that?

maybe the reason why he couldn’t like a girl our age is because he likes older women. NOW IT MAKES SENSE. he’s not gay, he likes women older than him. 

wow i’m such a scientist. 

i hope he doesn’t have a crush on my mum, because that means i would have 3 dads and 2 mums, if you include my actual parents. 

anyway, super tired as usual. 

oh sehun

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 99th chapter !!! wowcha!


	100. 3rd April 2018

dear diary,

okay so i found out the truth. 

sehun and i- what the fuck i meant jongin and i. i’m sehun, or am i? JONGIN and i were having a chill day today and i asked him if we could talk seriously. and then he said sure and then the big question came out... 

i said “if you like my mum please don’t jack off to her while i’m in the room” and then jongin started laughing super hard and i was confused and he asked me where i got that idea from and i was like .... dude you were smiling like someone who just found out their crush liked them back.

jongin got a bit more serious and said something along the lines of “it sounds stupid but my mum doesn’t do hugs, she’s a very formal woman and is more like a ... manager than a mother . i’ve never had a real mum, i’ve had a mother, but not a mum” and i felt bad because i realised that’s what it was. he never had a crush on my mum, so i decided he could share my mum because she adores him and my mum would love to. 

and then he said it was impossible unless he married me or got adopted by my family and i laughed because either way would be fine with me so we texted my mum, which ended up being a facetime call and now jongins my mums son. WOOOOO!!

we spent the rest of the day chilling, baekhyun came over and we watched hells kitchen, and now we keep shouting WHERES THE LAMB SAUCE at each other so it’s funny. 

i’m sad because baekhyuns eyebrow slits have grown back (looks like SOMEONE (me) is gonna have to creep into his bedroom and accidentally slit them again).

anyway, im hoping tomorrow isn’t as bad as it sounds.

we’re going on a ‘boys day out’ because it’s a tradition when we’re all together to go out and do something, even though my mum will be alone which sucks. i think we’re going fishing? my dad spoke about renting out some stuff so time for me to die, how long does it take to drown? 

it’s a joke but,,, (i’m not joking bitch) (rupaul drag race quote)

quote of the day: jongin and i was watching hell’s kitchen and baekhyun running in going “WHAT ARE YOU?” and jongin saying “an idiot sandwich” and me crying with laughter. 

oh sehun

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 100TH CHAPTER WOOOOOO


	101. 4th April 2018

dead diary,

did i ever mention i HATE fishing. why disturb fishes in the water when they were having fun just being free, and THEN TAUNTING THEM WITH FOOD TO JUST PULL THEM OUT OF THE WATER!!

that’s like a huge fishing line coming out of the sky with pancakes in front of them and then when i hold onto it i get dragged into the sky and eATEN!!!

no fun

not to mention how long it takes to catch a fish, especially when you’re me. i CAUGHT ONE, we were out there for 8 hours. EIGHT HOURS. 

this is why i like to stay with my mum, we could’ve spoke in those eight hours and cooked and have fun but no, all i got was interrogated about my life and jongin and baekhyun and my uncle kept making fun because i couldn’t catch a fish because of my ‘girly hands’. HONESTLY WHY DID HE COME?

DID HE MISS BULLYING SOMEONE ???

i know you’re not meant to say you dislike a family member, but if the boat sank i would definitely pull a rose and not let him onto the door thingy. even though the lake was about 4ft deep and easily swimmable. BUT STILL... did i just say i’d let my uncle die? i didn’t say that. ;) 

IM SERIOUS I WOULDN’T LET HIM DIE!!!

i felt like keyboard spam on the inside, i would write keyboard spam but i’m not gonna spend about 20 minutes writing it down. 

ugh. 

jongin just pinched my leg and told me to stop making angry faces at my book so i’m just gonna go AND FIGHT HIM.

with love of course.

oh SEHUN!!

or twinkling if your my uncle.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ILL BE POSting on time from now on!!!


	102. 5th April 2018

dear diary,

today’s my last full day with my family so we all went out together :(

i’m gonna miss them super bad, i’ll probably next see them in summer though! which isn’t as far as it could be. 

today we went out to have our last family meal after a day of exploring london. 

we all exchanged gifts and my dad got me a new phone!! i got an iphone x so now all of my family have them, and my mum got me a new book for my draft poems so i was super excited about that!! my brother got me matching shirts with him and one says ‘the one with the brains’ which he says, and mine says ‘the one with the l- never mind’ so that was funny since it’s been a joke we’ve had forever. my uncle got me a traditional lucky charm thingy for my exams so i was excited about that because i need luck!!

saying goodbye to them all was the worst though, i squeezed my mum and dad extra tight because i didn’t really want to let them go but i eventually did. 

seyoung told me he’d come visit in may so i’m happy about that :( TOO LONG AWAY THOUGH OOF

my uncle said that next time he comes he wants to see my new girlfriend.... and if i don’t have one he will ask his business partner to arrange something 

did my uncle just tired to get me into an arranged relationship? NO THANK YOU!!

but, i know he will do it so i guess i have to put myself back on the market. 

oof again.

quote of the day: “tell kyungsoo i said to protect you and to send me his recipe for his apple pie”, that was the last thing my mum said to me, ouch. 

oh sehun


	103. 7th April 2018

dear diary, 

I LOST YOU YESTERDAY AND IT SCAREd the shit out of me. 

i looked everywhere and i thought someone stole you and i found you... under my pillow... where i always put you. IM BEYOND ANGRY AT MYSELF, but not surprised because i expected my stupid ass self to do something like that. 

yesterday my family went back to various locations, my dad and mum went hawaii (i’m crying take me with you (me @ them)) for the rest of the holidays, my brother returning to america and my uncle went back home. 

i was sad all of yesterday and then i lost my diary so i couldn’t vent so it was a day where i just sat on my computer and played sims four because my life sucks. 

I STARTED LEARNING MY LINES FOR MY PLAY IN DRAMA!!! our exams in a month... today and i’ve only started learning my line. GOOD LUCK TO ME!!! 

jongin told me i was acting no homo today which made no sense, because we went out to get food and just because i said i wouldn’t hold his hand like i normally do he got sad and was like WHERES MY HUNNIE??? 

i wanted to be like jongin u bread loaf i’m here i just don’t want to hold hands today. 

anywAy??? don’t know why i mentioned that. 

do i come off as gay???

 

maybe that’s why no one wants to date me. 

i’m fucKING STRAIGHT for god’s sake. 

i’ll have to prove myself once again :((( and get a girlfriend so my uncle can’t throw bricks at me anymore for not having one. 

NOT REAL BRICKS. just be angryandgetmeintoanarranhedrelationsHip bricks. :) 

fuck 

this is a mess but it’s like 4am and i was still searching for you and i finally found you so i AM HAPPy!!!!

jongin stayed up till two helping but i let him sleep. 

i’ll thank him tomorrow with some.... with some... food? i don’t know i’ll decide that when my brain is properly working.

OHHHHHH SAYHEEEUUn

that’s how roz says it. 

i’m like no bitch it’s oh sehun 

not OweE SAyheUN 

roz may be my head of year but she’s always watching .... always watching 

i  
feel   
high 

 

uGh 

oh sehun

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> did sehun lose his diary or did i lose my phone ???????? i couldn’t update yesterday cus my laptop charger went missing and MY PHONE DID TOOO!!!  
> how cute, i know. so i was dead :(((
> 
> SORRY IF YOU MISSED YOUR DAILY DOSE OF BABY SEHUNS LIFE :(((
> 
> it’ll be back on track from now on


	104. 8th April 2018

dear diary,

PLAN ~

1\. go out more  
2\. don’t act as feminine  
3\. when around girls don’t be as touchy feely with the guys  
4\. don’t talk about poetry  
5\. give her all the things she wants  
6\. if she wants to go further, go further 

that is my plan to get a new girlfriend. i think these are the reasons where it went wrong with joohyun. i think if i was.... more... i don’t know, confident and weird to say it but manly like chanyeol. i think if we went out more she wouldn’t of needed to cheat because she would’ve had what she needed with me. and girls don’t like feminine boys. and the last 2 i think was my main downfall, after all, they were doing stuff i never did so i think i need to stop being so uncomfortable with, ill have to get over it. 

i want to move on but i kind of miss joohyun? even as a friendship, we got along well and i think maybe we went in a little over our heads but, i thought i could love her. i never told her i loved her because i didn’t want to lie, i didn’t want to lead her on???

is it too early to move on? i don’t want people to think i’m just moving on to get over her. but all i want is to fall in love with the right person. i don’t think i saw joohyun as that, i don’t think joohyun and i could’ve of ever been soulmates, but she was my first girlfriend so something must of drawn me to her. maybe you have more than one soul mate???

i’m not sure. 

i just know that i’ll be seeing my uncle again in summer, and i know my uncle was serious and he will keep taunting me about it all and i don’t want to be picked on my him. i think i’d rather continue dating joohyun even though she was cheating on me if it meant my uncle left me alone. 

i’m tired and jongins calling me to watch a movie, im too tired to move though so im making him turn his laptop so i can watch it from my bed too. 

quote of the day: “GIRLS GIRLS GIRLS THEY LOVE ME”, said by some random boy as he ran through the hall and he shouted something like bang bang? after. it was weird but i was revising so it made me laugh. 

oh sehun


	105. 9th April 2018

dear diary,

i got information today wooOoOoOo

i was working with minho today and we both came early so we can get more cash dolllar and we both ended up doing 12-9.... a nine hour shift KILLED ME!!!

lunch time it was super busy and minho kept joking about how much calories he was burning because of how much walking around we were doing to serve customers. 

this really cool customer came in and he was taller than me and his hair was dark like mine and he was basically me but a white guy who was about 20. ALSO, it was weird because he ordered the exact thing i normally have on my breaks so i was like (illuminati confirmed?)

we had two breaks today so in the first break we sat outside in the garden bit because while i was on my break last time i worked i gave it a good old clean and now it’s really nice to sit outside for breaks because there are tables and chairs to sit by. 

ANYWAY, he asked about joohyun and i realised i didn’t tell him so i told him we broke up to avoid all the ... feels. and he told me there are plenty of people who would like to date me. and i said that couldn’t be possible because girls never look at me and he kept laughing and he said i need to open my eyes more because apparently girls come to work to see me???? and guys but i’m not interested in guys. 

minho told me how to boost my confidence with girls so i’m excited to get myself back on the market, TIME NOT TO BE SINGLE.

on our second break we ended up talking about baekhyun?? minho asked how we were and if baekhyun was feeling better and he is, and i explained to him that we fell out and minho told me friendship is hard to break when it’s like mine and baekhyuns.... i guess it’s true because the whole time we missed each other. except i was angry at him too. 

i got to leave fairly earlier than usual because it wasn’t as busy as usual and minho and i cleaned earlier and in total, we left at 9 on the dot. 

minho and i ended up going out for a late night coffee because don’t get time to hang out other than work, and we just spoke about life and he was telling me about his friends and taemin AND PLOT TWIST OF THE CENTURY, he knows baekhyuns room mate. and i was telling him about all the embarrassing things that have happened and minhO ALREADY KNEW UGHHHH

he said kibum is nice when you get to know him because he gives of a bitch vibe (his words not mine) but it’s so weird how he knows some of the people from my school i’m shOOK!!!

anyway, i got home later and i had my dads worrying about me, AKA jongin and baekhyun sitting in my bed and when i walked in getting pouts and crossed arms fired at me. “where were you?” “we waited for you.” ugh I TEXTED THEM!!!! 

they both watched a movie on my bed and i’m on jongins bed to write this but i think i’m just gonna sleep i’m sooooo tired. 

jongin said quote of the day is: “BAEKHYUN SMELLS LIKE ASS.”

“and ass is good so shut your mouth.” said by baekhyun.

oh sehun


	106. 10th April 2018

dear diary,

i’ve been so busy i just realised my birthday is in two days... TWO DAYS!!!! i’m so excited i might plan a birthday meal woOoooOoO

today i had work with minho and it was so quiet at work, like we had no customers ??? is tuesday not a good day to come out for a meal?? i don’t know. 

minho and i decided to do a super duper deep clean and it was really really therapeutic?? because at nine the shop was literally sparkling and my boss was really proud of us so he let us have ice cream and waHH IT WAS SO GOOD??!! 

i put caramel sauce and m&ms on them and it was so good i died, i’m writing this as a ghost. 

baekhyun came to collect me from work and it was nice until minho was like “awh you’re boyfriends here” and i was like HES NOT MY BOYFRIEND HES MY BEST FRIEND ? and minho laughed at us in a nice way and then he left, then we left and we walked home. 

the reason why i remembered my birthday is because baekhyun told me he couldn’t be with me on my birthday :(( he said he took extra hours not realising what the day was on my birthday?? he just thought it was an ordinary day oof. 

it’s gonna be weird because baekhyun and i are gonna be the same age for a bit before he turns eighteen ???! HES GONNA BE AN ADULT .

i’m gonna miss him on my birthday, but i’ll be with the rest of my friends so it should be okay WOOOOOO PARTY

anyways, sleep is calling my name.

quote of the day: “what do you mean you’re legally blind and you can see barely”, said by my boss when minho quoted that one vine.

oh sehun

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I UPDATED ON TIME WOOOOOOO!!!!
> 
> everyone be proud wooop woop


	107. 11th April 2018

dear diary,

it’s my last daY AS SIXTEEN WOOOOOOOOO 

this boy, will become a man... 

oh wait. that’s at 18 right? or 20? or is it 21? i’m not sure. 

BUT EITHER WAY ILL BE A WHOLE ASS YEAR OLDER IM SUPER EXCITED.

currently laying in jongins bed and writing this before i sleep because i completely forgot to earlier AHHHH

jongin and i was watching tv because he asked how i wanted to spend my last day as 16 and i just said netflix time so we just sat on my bed and watched rupauls drag race and he got somewhat angry at me because he went to like... proper cuddle into me and i was like back off jongin and he told me i was acting different again and i was just confuse cus like...

i’m being me? i haven’t changed. 

but he said i was different since my family left and i said i was homesick because it’s true? i guess i don’t know and we both ended up sad and said sorry to each other and we cuddled and 

it made me feel better but i know cuddling with your best friend isn’t right, right?

it’s gay to hug your best friends like i do, and i’ve kissed them as well... maybe my uncles right. am i a fag? 

UGH IT DOESNT MAKE SENSE CUS I LIKE GIRLS BUT I ACT LIKE I LIKE BOYS. 

i don’t think i do :(

NO MORE BAD MOOds this is my last enTRY AS A 16 YEAR OLD WOOOO

i hope being 17 is as good as being 16. 

i hope i get my shit together when i’m 17.

i moved to jongins bed so i didn’t have to cuddle him anymore because i think i decided i shouldn’t cuddle my best friend. 

OKAY

QUOTE OF THE Day foR THE LAST TIME AS A SIXTEEN YEAR OLD: “you are a 17 year old tomorrow, HOW WILL WE BE THE SAME AGE?” said by kyungsoo, even though we are in the same year oof 

oh sehun

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> who’s excited for his birthday tomorrow??? ME!!!


	108. 12th April 2018

dear diary,

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME!!!

i’m a whole, 17 years old, i survived this long? go me. 

today i thought everyone forgot because when i woke up and everyone seem to have forgotten it was my birthday so i called my mum and she sang to me and it put me in such a good mood, but i was still sad because my friends were still like -_- cus they weren’t replying to me like HI!!! GUESS WHAT!!

i went dancing because my mum had wanted to see me dance so i took her (on face time) to the dance studio and i danced for her for a bit and then i told her i wanted to go back to my room cus i was tired and she was like WAIT!!! 

and then i waited until she said i could go and i was like... huh??

and when i got back everyone was in my room and they shouted SURPRISE! and everyone was here and i started crying and i was so happy because i got to see all my friends and i thought they had all forgot.

kyungsoo had cooked all my fave foods and it was aLL SO GOOD??? tao had bought me stationary and it was all cute because it was food inspired so i had a hot dog rubber and a milk pencil caSE AHH I LOVE IT!! 

and kyungsoo got me some books i was talking about, and it made me cry again because one of the books i knew i literally hadn’t spoken about in a while and i asked how he remembered and he said he wrote down all the things i spoke about what i wanted and ugh. he so cute?

BAEKHYUN WAS THERE TOO??? HE PRANKED ME REAL BAD AND I CUDDLED HIM SUPER HARD (i let myself off today because today it’s a good day and i should be able to hug all my friends to say thank you) AND HE GOT ME A BOX AND HE SAID OPEN IT LATER. so i did just now and it’s about 25 letters and they say ‘open when...’ and there’s a lot of topics and they’re all hand written i can’t my heart is hurting.   
the topics are;  
open when;

you need me  
you feel alone   
you’re 18  
i’m 18  
you need money  
you realise who you are   
you realise how i feel  
you need a pen  
you need movies to watch   
we’ve fallen out  
when you need tv shows to watch  
you can’t sleep   
you’re bored   
you need inspiration for dance!!  
you need to know i love you  
i’m being an ass  
you’re being an ass (joking)  
it’s FINALLY summer   
jongin and you have fallen out  
you’ve done an all nighter  
you’ve finished your drama exam  
you lose your v card  
you need good music   
you need a friend   
you need ideas for days out! 

that’s 25 right??? 

i wanna open them all now but i’m gonna stick to them !!

jongin organised this all and even spoke to my mum to distract me so i was LIKE DUDE YOURE THE BEST and he got me a really good speaker for when i’m dancing and its really good i’m so excited!!

and last, but not least. taemin, jungwoo and lucas teamed up and baked a cake (with kyungsoos help) AND IT TASTED SO GOOD???

everyone sang happy birthday and i made a wish,

and i can’t write it down otherwise it won’t come true!!

FIRST ENTRY AS A 17 YEAR OLD!!! AND MANY MORE TO COME WOOHOOOOO

oh sehun !!!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> HAPPY BIRTHDAY SEHUN!!!


	109. 13th April 2018

dear diary,

so first day as a seventeen year old. NEW AGE!! NEW ME!!!

when i do things that aren’t particularly straight i’m gonna remember and write them down so i know to stop doing them. 

so, so far i know i shouldn’t cuddle with boys, OR KISS!! hold hands, fall asleep cuddling with. 

i’m guessing there’s plenty of other things too but these are the main ones. i just need to stop doing them so everyone believes me when i say i’m not gay. i must’ve been acting like this for a long time if even my family think i’m gay. 

i had work with baekhyun and i asked him if i came off as gay and baekhyun seemed shocked at first and he said “maybe. i don’t think there’s a way to come off gay, since gay is just a sexuality not a way to live”, and it made sense because of course, but being feminine links with being gay stereotypically so i asked if i was feminine and he said there’s nothing wrong with being feminine.

so in conclusion, my best friend thinks i’m gay also. 

fuck. 

i’m not gonna worry for now!! because i know now and i’ll change, so i can finally be seen as who i am, STRAIGHT!!

quote of the day: “i fucking hate turkish people, where are you from?”, said by this really rude customer to my turkish boss and he said. “mexico.” and it’s offensive as fuck but it made me laugh because she hugged him as she left and i was like HAHA BITCH 

oh sehun

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hiii i’m sorry recent chapters have been a bit dry,,,, but as you know when things are getting dry it means tension is building and there will be drama!!’ 
> 
> so please stay updated wooooo


	110. 14th April 2018

dear diary,

 

THE PLAN WORKED!!!

kinda?... 

today i tried to act manly, so i didn’t smile as much because i normally smile quite a lot at work. and i noticed when i walk i kinda like... sway so i walked normally and a group of girls came in and i served their table and one of them gave me her number???

SO I WAS RIGHT!!! i was acting gay and when i started acting like a man it worked wooooOoOoO

Baekhyun told me to stop acting like a weirdo because he said i was out of character but like,,, this is who i am i guess. i’m not gay and i was acting like i wanted all the guys in my school. but i’m actually straight. 

either way, i guess i should text this girl but i’m kinda scared because i don’t know how to act, i didn’t expect to get this far so soon. 

anyways, quote of the day: “you know what? i don’t care if you broke your elbow”, said by minho when baekhyun banged his elbow on the door frame and wouldn’t stop complaining about it. :((( poor baek 

oh sehun


	111. 15th April 2018

dear diary,

i think baekhyuns gonna go back to hating me soon, he keeps saying things and i’m like :(( is it because you don’t like me anymore? 

we hung out today and i kept acting like how i should and he told me i had changed for the bad and i got hurt because i’m changing this to be good!! 

baekhyun said i’m denying i’m changing but i’m changing for the right reason. i even changed so well that i got a girls number, i haven’t texted her yet but i will do soon!!

i hope baekhyun doesn’t hate me... because i’m trying to be good. 

i don’t have energy to write about negative things 

oh sehun


	112. 16th April 2018

dear diary,

SO... GOOD NEWS!!!

i finally texted the girl and she was super flirty and i tried to keep up but i know i didn’t do that well oof. she asked how old i was and i said 17 (not that i just turned 17) and she said she’s 18, AND SHE SAID I LOOKED OLDER???

we spoke for a while and then she said we could meet up so we could do more than just talk and i was like YAAHHH SURE because it’s hard to text in english but easier to talk, so i’m happy she wants to talk to talk to me more oof

we haven’t planned a date yet but we’re still talking, i’m just writing in early just in case i get too tired to write late. 

ANYWAYS.... BYE BYE FOR NOW!!!

i’ll update you tomorrow, and you won’t reply because you’re just a book ;)

QUOTE OF THE DAY: “nana”, lucas shouted at jongin because they were wrestling and he couldn’t laugh. 

“MY NAME IS NINI, YOU CUM SPLAT”, and i cried so hard i had a stomach ache from laughing so hard.

oh sehun

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hi hi!! i updated on time woooooo
> 
> i hope you guys are liking what’s brewing....


	113. 17th April 2018

dear diary,

today was the first day back at school after our break and ughhhhh it was so gross 

ESPECIALLY BECAUSE IT WAS SUNNY AND I WANTED TO SPEND THE WHOLE TIME IN THE SUN OOOOF 

jongin and i went on a walk in the sun on our lunch break and we spoke about conspiracy theories and practised my drama lines, i know some of them but not all of them but i’m getting there!!

i had a dream lessons but they felt suuuuuper long. it was tragic, i wanted to shove a fork in my eye. three times. 

i had work with minho and i told him about he girl and he was like WOOOHOOOO and i think he’s the only person i’ll tell that will be proud of me. 

because everyone thinks that i’m acting weird and bad different, but this just shows it’s a good different!!! and i don’t think anyone else will see it that way. especially jongin and baekhyun, maybe even kyungsoo, it feels like i haven’t spoken to him in forever i’m gonna find him and ask him if we can do something because i miss my egg head.

his hair is growing back quite fast though!!

and baekhyuns eyebrow slits are basically gone :((

he looked bad ass 

quote of the day: “kiss my ass, homework”, lucas said as he found out he had a lot of homework over the half term which he didn’t do.

oh sehun


	114. 18th April 2018

dear diary,

i don’t know why i even try anymore, this obviously is never going to work out with me. 

the girl and i met up today and i just realised now i don’t even know her name... she never told me her name and i guess i never mentioned it to her. god this makes it all worse. 

we went to my usual coffee place and we sat in my usual spot, and we were talking and it was fun at the beginning because she seemed interested and i thought maybe i had a chance but then she put her hand on my leg and asked if i wanted to ‘get out of here’ and i didn’t want to say no because at the end of the day i’m meant to be a man and i didn’t want to disappoint. i don’t know. 

we got the train to her house and we didn’t even take off our shoes and we ran up to her room and she started kissing me and i kissed back because it felt good. but wrong, i was scared and i don’t know. i was trying to keep up because a girl finally wanted me and i didn’t want to let her down.

then she pushed me onto the bed and i was scared because she was unbuckling my belt and i must’ve said something about not doing it before because she said she had and she was good at it. i can’t remember anything. 

it went so slow and so fast at the same time. i literally felt frozen in place as she... i don’t want to write it down. i don’t want it to be true. 

i’m such a failure, i let a girl who i don’t even know the name of touch me like that, and i felt so powerless and yeah it felt good and i did give consent but, i just didn’t want to let anyone down. 

and it wasn’t even her thought either, it was all mine. she did nothing wrong, i told her i was okay with it and i was only really doing it to prove to myself i could ‘be a man’ when at the end of the day i’m still acting the fucking same. i’m still acting like how my uncle always said i did and it’s like, why do i even try anymore? it felt good yeah, but it wasn’t right. 

as soon as i could i left and ran home, i cried in my bed for as long as i could before jongin walked in and when he asked what was wrong i said that i was watching something sad. i guess it’s believable. 

she texted me about twenty minutes ago saying next time it was her turn, meaning i was a fucking pussy and didn’t give her anything. it was one sided. that doesn’t make any sense. i can’t think. i don’t know. i’m so angry at myself that i can’t write. i blocked her number. 

i’m trying to remember the word which is how i feel but i’m so tired, and i’m angry and everything else. exhausted. i’m exhausted. 

i guess i am the fag what my uncle says i am, the twink which my brother calls me, the fucking mummy’s boy that i’ve always been called. 

i want to talk to someone that can help me, i don’t know, figure out my head. i can’t go to kyungsoo because he’ll be angry at me, i could never tell him. and baekhyuns out the picture because he already thinks i’m gay. jongin is confused as it is and i don’t want to burden him, he’s questioning himself too and it’s okay for him to be gay. it just can’t be me. 

my head hurts so i’m gonna sleep and hope this is all one shitty dream. i hope i wake up to something much better.

oh sehun

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hi everyone!!
> 
> this chapters sad i know, but i wanted to like... i don’t know. 
> 
> i don’t want to class this as rape because he did consent and wanted to do it, it just felt wrong to him and he was scared. but, would that be classed as rape? i would like to know in your guy’s opinion because i want to make sure i or a warning so i don’t upset people, please let me know!


	115. 19th April 2018

dear diary,

im still confused at what happened yesterday. i didn’t feel myself at all, i was clingy and gross ugh. 

i spent the whole day with kyungsoo, and i felt like i was being clingy but i think he knows i’m clingy when i’m sad. and i’m happy he didn’t push me away even though i was acting a little gay. 

i’m too tired to, i don’t know. talk about feelings. i don’t know how to feel, or what’s right to feel. 

oh sehun


	116. 20th April 2018

Dear Sehunnie,   
if you’ve opened this, i’m sorry i couldn’t be here for you when you need me. even though you’ve opened this because it’s titled ‘open when you feel alone’, you will never be alone when i’m in your life.   
i might not be here for you at the moment, but i promise you as soon as i can be i’ll be with you. you’re my best friend and there’s no one i care more for than you. you bean.   
get your laptop and put on we bare bears because i know that’s your favourite, and put the kr subtitles on because you always push yourself too hard to learn english. cuddle into nini the bear and relax bubba, try to sleep as well because you deserve to rest.   
if i don’t know your alone, or that you need me, please call me or text me. i promise i’ll be here as soon as i can. and if i’m not you have all rights to hit me. not too hard though !!  
i love you sehunnie, so please don’t ever think your truly alone in this big world, because you’ll always have me. 

from yours, Baekhyun


	117. 21st April 2018

dear diary,

i think i’m just gonna move back home.   
yesterday all i wanted was baekhyun because i think he would understand, i think jongin would’ve judged me if i said, and kyungsoo would’ve been angry. but baekhyun was at luhans birthday party so i had to work alone. 

i texted him saying i needed him and he didn’t get back to me, and i wasn’t surprised so i just fell asleep. but when i woke up baekhyun was next to me and he smelt like alcohol, but he was still there. i let myself cuddle him because i needed him, and it felt right but so wrong at the same time. i was meant to hate it but it felt so comfortable and right, and it made me hate it even more. 

and i sat up because i was as sick of thinking like that and jongin was awake too he asked me what was wrong and i ended up getting out of bed and moving onto my desk chair. then jongin kept asking questions like “is it joohyun?” and “did chanyeol do something?”, and it was making me more angry at myslef so all i could do was shake my head.

baekhyun eventually woke up and he was too hung over to do anything, so he left and got ready for work. and then i met him at work and we both left at the same time too and i was about to tell him what happened and i think baekhyun could tell i was sad so he held onto my hand. and as soon as he did some guy shouted at us ‘fags’ and it so fucking frustrating because i didn’t have any control of that, and now baekhyuns angry because i pulled my hand away and shouted back i’m not gay. 

i couldn’t really tell him after that because he was angry at me, and i don’t see why he should be, it was embarrassing and what i said was true. even though i don’t really act like it. 

i’m just so angry at myself. i don’t know what i want and i don’t really understand anything anymore. i don’t know how to feel. doing things with guys feels natural but it’s not meant to be, and in my head girls are so so beautiful but when i kissed joohyun, it never felt as good as when i kissed baekhyun and jongin. it shouldn’t of felt that way, and if my family found out they wouldn’t talk to me again. 

i hate this. 

oh sehun


	118. 22nd April 2018

dear diary,

today was somewhat better, i hung out with jungwoo and lucas because normally they cheer me up, which they somewhat did but... it still didn’t feel right?

we went to the dance studio and it was fun because we worked on a new dance piece called boss and it’s fun because a different style of dance i normally don’t do but it’s more tiring and it means i have to work harder get the choreography.

i still feel guilty for yesterday, i know baekhyun doesn’t like me anymore because of how i acted. i’m still embarrassed too, i can’t even imagine what would happen if my family found out. it would be the end of our relationship if that happened. 

i don’t think i’ll be able to hold baekhyun’s hand for some time, and i don’t know wether to bawl my eyes out because that was something we used to do, or to be somewhat happy because it means i won’t get called gay again. 

anyways, today was somewhat better and i think tomorrow will be good because i’ll be hanging around with my group !! after a long time. 

oh sehun


	119. 23rd April 2018

dear diary,

yep, baekhyun definitely hates me, like super bad hates me. 

today all of the group hug out in the dance studio, and i only just got used to baekhyun sitting next to me, and jongin moved away too. 

i think he found out what i said. i feeling like crying, i can’t lose my friends. it was perfect again, and i’ve lost it. 

i don’t care who they like, i just can’t like boys. not me.   
i need my friends and i’ve pushes them away with what i’ve said. 

it’s all my fault. 

oh sehun.


	120. 24th April 2018

dear diary,

i finally got things off my chest, and even though it wasn’t with my closest friends it was good to finally get things off my chest. 

today i worked with minho and he could tell i was down and i told him about last wednesday and he told me he was really sorry at it happened. he didn’t need to say sorry because it wasn’t his fault, it was mine at the end of the day. 

he gave me a hug and we were both kinda sad for the rest of the work time, but he cheered me up after a while and it was nice to see him trying. 

when i walked in jongin was already sleeping, and i feel like i never get to talk to him anymore. he’s always sleeping, or i’m learning lines. i miss my best friends.

i don’t have my baekkie or my nini anymore, and it’s all my fault. i’m going to get them back though, i need to show them that i need them. 

for some reason today i couldn’t stop thinking about chanyeol. i miss him? is that wrong to say... i don’t know. i kept wondering if he still spoke to any of our friends, and if he was doing okay. 

a part of me wants to hate him, but the smallest, tiniest piece of me wants to just run to his room and tell him he’s my friend and i miss him. but he hurt me, he let my girlfriend cheat on me, WITH HIM? 

no, just remembering that makes me lose that one small piece of me that misses him. 

ugh. 

my emotions are all over the place recently i need a... what’s it called. i don’t know. it’s a word where it’s like, you take a day away from everything and just have time to yourself.

i need that. n i’ll take nini the teddy bear with me. 

oh sehun

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i had this weird thought today...
> 
> i thought that maybe if you guys were interested, or anyone who is, we could make a kik or line group chat where we could talk about this fic oof.. because i have so many ideas of where this story could go, n head canons i don’t really have place to include and lol idk 
> 
> !!!


	121. 25th April 2018

dear diary,

today i finally spoke to baekhyun, and i don’t think he hates me anymore. but saying that, maybe he’s only being friends with me because he feels guilty. ouch i didn’t think of that till now. 

i went up to the second floor to find baekhyun and he was walking out of a room so luckily i could corner him and i told him i needed him and he took me into his room and once again i was lucky because kibum wasn’t there.

i explained the situation to baekhyun, and i don’t know why i felt such a strong urge to tell baekhyun, i would’ve told jongin too but he would hate me if i told him this. 

when i told him he started shouting scary things about hurting people and he was really frustrated and it was all my fault, and even though it’s gay i started crying and asked him to stop shouting and i think baekhyun realised i didn’t want him to do it anymore so he hugged me and said he was worth that it happened to me, but it wasn’t his fault again, just like minho. it’s only my fault. 

i was at baekhyuns until about five minutes ago and i feel better, but life still feels off, i don’t like feeling like this in my heart. it’s not how i want to feel, but i’m hoping this feeling goes soon. 

jongin asked me for cuddles just now and i told him i was too hot for cuddles. he seems angry now but i just need time to myself now. 

oh sehun


	122. 26th April 2018

dear diary,

today was odd. very. very odd. it’s made life even more confusing. 

today it was the three musketeers, so jongin, baekhyun and i we’re talking about life and baekhyun told us... wait i need to remember how he worded it. 

he said he leant like gender, he likes people and i didn’t understand how that could work because you have to like something? and he said he doesn’t have to be attracted for a man or a woman, because personality is what happens most.

i’m still confused as it is, i’m still trying to piece it together in my mind but i don’t understand it. you have to like something, not just personality. i thought jongin would understand too but he seemed to really understand and i felt so out of it because they seemed to both understand each other so well and i didn’t really at all. 

they cuddled and stuff because they were celebrated baekhyun’s ‘coming out’ but i still don’t understand. i wish i did though, i’m happy baek is comfortable with me to tell me but i’m not sure what he even trying to say. 

i think it’s rude to ask though, do i don’t know how to ask without offending him. 

i’m really tired because i spent the whole day learning my drama performance lines so i’m gonna sleep.

maybe life is turning up 

oh sehun

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> BAEK CAME OUT


	123. 27th April 2018

dear diary,

today i hung out with jongin, because i felt like i haven’t been treating him like i should. he’s my best friend and i haven’t really hung out with him recently, i know, i’m the worst. 

i just feel so distant from everyone, and i’m trying not to push people away. so i made an effort today to make it up to jongin without stepping over the boundaries like i used to.

we just watched tv and spoke about life and nini seemed happy so it made me happy to see him happy again. 

i really didn’t want to go but i had to go work, i wanted to stay with jongin even if i was working with baekhyun tonight. but i did go, and when i got there... baekhyun was flirting with customers? 

maybe i’ve been blind to it the whole time but he was basically drawling and flirting with these two customers and he didn’t even say hello when i walked in. maybe i was oblivious to him flirting before but i never really knew baekhyun until yesterday. 

i’m still confused about it all but it’s beginning to make more sense, the more i think of it. 

oh sehun


	124. 29th April 2018

dear diary,

i didn’t want to write yesterday. nothing happened. i went to work and i didn’t want to speak to anyone. so i didn’t. baekhyun was there but i don’t think he really cares about me.

today all the group met up and i didn’t want to go, so i didn’t. i stayed in bed today and watched documentaries. probably not the most smartest thing to do when i’m this stressed. but, what have i got to lose when i’m going to fail everything and everyone. 

i’m tired, i think i just need a sleep. 

oh sehun

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this section of this fic is really sad because sehuns got so much doubt and i wanna skIP IT ALL BUT I WANNA BUUILD THE ANGST OOF


	125. 1st May 2018

dear diary,

i haven’t really felt the need to write recently? and it’s making me sad :( i used to love writing my diary but now it feels more like a chore, no scratch that. i think it’s because i just don’t want to talk about my feelings. they don’t make sense and when i write i normally write about them and i feel like if i make sense of them i’ll find out something i don’t want to be true :(

it’s almost baekhyun and taos birthday, so i’ve been distracting myself with planning their birthdays and for tao i’m gonna get him stationary because he has the same addition i do, and baekhyun i think i’m gonna take him on a day out. i miss days like that so i’m using the opportunity to be just us. 

i’m really stressed right now because of school, my drama exam is super soon and i don’t know if i’m good at acting anymore. i feel like i’m gonna mess up the performance for kyungsoo and i don’t want him to hate me.

we were in a group but we decided to work in a pair and do kyungsoos idea of being detectives and trying to solve a murder. because there’s two of us and with each person we have to act for 5 minutes, we made a 10 minute production about trying to solve a murder and it’s good!! especially on kyungsoos side but on my side i think i’m just running weak and i don’t want to let him down. 

i’m gonna practise my lines and hope for the best, i might head over to kyungsoos soon so he can help me with my facial expressions and english. SINCE WE NEED TO SPEAK ENGLISH NOT KOREAN!! 

we asked if we could do it in korean but our teacher said we had to do it in english because the examiner wouldn’t understand and ugh. native language. save me. 

my pronunciations getting much better, but it could be even better. it has to be to kyungsoos level and his accent is amazing. jealous.

anyways, stress is telling me to stop writing just in case i talk about something else. 

bye for now,  
oh sehun

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hiiii :(
> 
> sorry for the really bad updates,, i’ve been sick the last few days and ugh it’s the worst!!
> 
> i’m feeling a lot better though woo woo!! i’m trying my hardest to feel better.
> 
>  
> 
> in other news....
> 
> i was thinking of doing an ask sehun??? or like a sehun instagram account which you guys could all follow or something. i’m leaning more towards the ask sehun!!!
> 
> let me know !!


	126. 2nd May 2018

dear diary,

happy birthday tao!!!

i don’t know why i wrote this as if tao would read this oops. 

we had a party in the dance room and i’m surprised we never get told off because we’re always really loud and i missed my friends. it’s been forever since i’ve SEEN THEM ALL. 

tao really liked his present and he seemed super happy, he’s normally the sassy and cool one out of all of us first years BUT!!!! now he’s jus as cheesy as the rest of us. minus kyungsoo who is still our cute baby. 

i had to leave because of revision so i was bummed. BUT!! i actually missed chilling with my super cool idol of a man called kim junmyeon and !! he said he missed me too?? 

yixing, junmyeon and i had our revision session again and it was fun!!! i haven’t seen them in forever and i forgot some stuff so we went over some of the things that flew out of my brain. 

junmyeon even asked about my other subjects and i told him i was stressed with drama so the three of us went through my lines and wAH I FEEL SO MUCH BETTER ALREADY??

who knew my great head of house would be my saviour??! me. because i never doubted junmyeon. he will solve all my PROBLEMS!!!

i sound so dorky but he’s my favourite third year and i really look up to him, and i’m just lucky enough that yixing gave me this chance, HE EVEN SAID HE WOULD START TEACHING ME MANDARIN BECAUSE MINE IS ‘weak and if it was compared to dancing my balance would be off’... not really sure what that means bUT!!! finally quote of the day!!!

quote of the day: “i’m afraid to tell you your mandarin is weak, and if your mandarin was compared to dance your balance would be off” (followed by junmyeon laughing and saying a dad joke which was “hi afraid to tell you your mandarin is weak” and it doesn’t sound funny but junmyeons humour is based off of dad jokes and that’s another reason why he’s the best!)

oh sehun

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i feel a little better but !! sehuns feeling happy


	127. 3rd May 2018

dear diary,

so, i told kyungsoo today about what happened with that girl and he wasn’t as angry as i thought i’d be. he helped me a lot with explaining how it’s okay to feel how i feel about it and a lot of feelings took place but !! it’s okay i’m happy. 

we ran our drama and it was really good !! i think i know my lines mostly and i should know my lines more than just a couple days before my exam but still !!! i know them heheh 

BUT

JONGIN AND I STAYED UP LATE AND IM TIRED BUT JONGIN WANTS TO WATCH ONE MORE EPISODE OF BROOKLYN NINE NINE SO ILL WRITE TOMORROW!!!

bye book,

i missed you

quote of the day: every quote from this new tv show we’re watching because it’s really funny 

oh sehun


	128. 4th May 2018

dear diary,

today jongin and i hung out and it almost went bad but it didn’t so !!! it was okay

jongin and i went to get coffee and this is our normal coffee place, as in, they know our orders and we have our normal seats. i took the girl here and today was my first time going back since that day so when jongin went to sit down on our place i didn’t want to :( 

it made me panic and i felt my heart beat in my finger tips and i asked if we could find a new seat and he was okay with it but he did that thing and where he rose one eyebrow and it was like “what’s up?”, eyebrow raise. 

that made no sense.

THE POINT IS!!! he wanted to know what was wrong and he seemed worried but we ordered drinks and he got distracted.

then the day got better and baekhyun met us after work and it was super fun !! 

i missed hanging out with friends but i still feel like, i don’t know, something’s wrong. 

i like hanging round with them as i do now which isn’t acting like a, i don’t know, gay. it feels better because i know people see me as a straight person not a gay guy. 

if that make sense mr diary, but you can’t help because you’re a book!!! 

god i’m tired but i wanna watch moana so i’m gonna stop writing 

quote of the day: “WHAT CAN I SAY EXCEPT YOU’RE WELCOME” one of the only words i know from moana, do i count as a fan?

oh sehun

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i hope all my readers are well and enjoying the fic so far!!
> 
> i haven’t had much feedback from the recent chapters so i’ll try to improve the quality of my chapters a bit more!!


	129. 5th May 2018

dear diary,

BAEKHYUN MISSION STARTS NOW DIARY!!!

okay. 

i’m planning on sneaking into baekhyunnie’s room in the morning (with kibums permission) and steal the small person for a super fun day out. 

plan;

6am; kidnap baekhyun   
8am; (because baekhyun will need that long to get ready especially if he’s been surprised woken up), leave and head to a coffee shop so baek can have full energy. 

i don’t know why i started doing times because the rest wont have times. 

we will go hyde park first because we’re gonna have a picnic and then after we’re going to the science museum. then,,, we will go to this pizza restaurant which does different shaped pizza and i’m gonna get a STAR!!!

i’ve already called them and when we come they have a cake :) i’m happy 

it should go well!!! as long as baek isn’t angry at me for waking up early. 

I SHOULD SLEEP BECAUSE BAEKHYUN IS SUPER OBLIVIOUS AND I WANT TO SURPRISE HIM WELL SO NEED SLEEP HEHE

he better like it

oh sehun

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> what do you think is gonna happen tomorrow oooo?


	130. 6th May 2018

dear diary,

YESTERDAY was so good. i’m writing today because i didn’t have time to write in the night, so baekhyun is sleeping right now while i do this hoho. 

SOOOO... yesterday i snuck into baekhyuns room jumped on his bed and shouted happy birthday and baekhyun started giggling and i thought it was okay if we cuddled. baekhyun got worried because he thought i had work but i arranged it so both of us got shifts off. 

we headed to hyde park with the picnic and it was super fun because baekhyun was running round and chasing squirrels and pigeons and he looked like a child but he was having fun. then we headed to the science museum and we played with all the gadgets we could and we took cool pics and baekhyun posted it on instagram with the caption ‘best birthday ever’ and i was like YUP THAT WAS MY DOING !!!

after a while we went to the cool pizza restaurant and i got my star pizza and baekhyun got a basic circle and i called him lame. because he’s now an adult he got to drink alcohol and he got tipsy and when they started singing happy birthday with the cake he was like “for me?”, and he was giggling and i took pictures and it was so cute, should i be saying that? i’ve been questioning a lot since yesterday. 

we got home and baekhyun said he wanted cuddles and i started questioning if it was okay, because if i said no i would still be acting straight but it would ruin baekhyuns perfect day, but if i said yes it would make baekhyun and me happy. so i said yes. but the whole time i was shook because i didn’t realise how much i missed cuddles, i can’t wait to cuddle everyone, especially jongin because he gives the best cuddles. 

when baekhyun fell asleep i stayed up for a bit questioning my life, and if cuddles were okay, and if being not straight is okay. i don’t know if i’m making sense because i’ve just woken up and my brain is a bit ahhhhhhhh.

i had a good day yesterday though, and i’m glad i didn’t ‘act straight’, i acted like myself. whatever that is. 

oh sehun

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i bet you’re all surprised that the day went well??? WELLL.... DONT HOLD UR BREATH BECASUE HEHEHEH I HAVE ANGST PLANNED FOR BOTH SHIPS SO ENJOY THIS HAPPY MOMENT.... did i spoil?? maybe 
> 
>  
> 
> also i had a ‘negative comment’ on one of my recent chapters about this not being a sekai fic and an explanation to this; i have a rough story line planned for the whole year, and although it may not seem as equal at the moment but from my perspective, it’s because baekhyun is very open with how he feels towards sehun and it’s more obvious for sehun to know and see how baekhyun is acting, jongin is not like that. sehun can’t read jongin like he can with baekhyun because jongin doesn’t show it, but let me assure you, he will see thing soon. so please don’t think i’ve forgotten about the sekai part of this fic, maybe i’ve thought too much about the characters but it makes sense to me to have my characters personalities reflect in how sehun sees them. if that makes sense?
> 
> if you guys do have anything you’d like to say i’ll try to reply, i do read all my comments but i find it hard to reply with the time i have!!! but thank you for all the wonderful comments.


	131. 7th May 2018

SEHUN!!!

it’s my birthday? you know what that means? 

yes, i’m older than you... but think bigger!!! 

not only am I, BAEKHYUN, aka baek, aka baekhyunnie, aka your best friend, but i am now 18. yes, legal in london, yes, an adult, yes basically your fully legal adult who will now take full responsible of you bro.... you’re welcome. 

what i’m trying to say is, we were once the same age not long ago, a big old seventeen, BUT!!!! i am now once again older than you, and now you have to listen to me again because RESPECT. 

anyways, this one isn’t a deep message, more a... reality check. i’m your hyung and you show me all the respect you have thank you ......

byun baekhyunnie, THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD


	132. 8th May 2018

dear diary,

yesterday we spent all day in bed because it was a bank holiday and it was cute, also i read baekhyunnies letter so it was fun!!

today i’m super stressed though because my drama exam is so so so soooon :( and jongin was helping me with lines and i really miss hanging around with jongin so we went out after for a walk and we spoke about a lot and had a catch up. 

i don’t know what happened but me and jongin aren’t as close as we used to be, like,,, we used to be attached to the hip and now we’re only attached at the.... i don’t know. 

i’m scared i’m loosing jongin, i know he can’t get too far because he’s only a bed apart but i don’t know. emotionally i don’t want jongin to go and maybe it’s my fault. jongin did nothing wrong after all, so it has to be me. 

my drama exam is in 2 days so i feel like i’m adding extra stress into my plate by thinking jongin doesn’t like me anymore. 

anyways, “can you really get away with murder?”, my last line in drAMA WOOOO

OH SEHUNNNN


	133. 9th May 2018

dear diary,

my exam is tomorrow,,, and i’m too stressed. 

i’ve never written about the story line and i don’t want to forget it as time goes by so i’ll write a summary here. 

kyungsoo and i are detectives who are reinvestigating the case of jon-bennet ramsey to find out who the killer is, and to get justice for her because her murderer was never found. through out the play we keep trying to find evidence which signalise to some killer but it keeps linking back to the family and ahhhhhh it’s spooky. 

at revision today we did lines instead of philosophy because junmyeon said it was more important, and i agreed!!

i’ll tuck in the script at the end of my diary and write the date but i’m too tired/worried/stressed/anxious to stay awake any longer, so i’m going to cuddle jongin because i’ve officially decided that cuddles are okay? it should be wrong but it doesn’t feel wrong, especially when i’m getting them from my best friends. 

anyways,

oh sehun


	134. 10th May 2018

dear diary,

WAHHH MT EXAM WENT WELL!!! IT WENT REALLY WELL AND I WASN’T EXPECTING IT TO GO WELL BUT KYUNGSOO AND I PULLED IT OFF 

my teacher got our class pizza and i was like wow this is so nice so kyungsoo and i hugged our teacher together and it was really nice!!

but now we have coursework to do and actual exams so gonna diE OUCH!!

anyway, kyungsoo, jongin and i are going out to celebrate and i’m super excited because its been a while since we hung out together and i’m really happy we finally get to be together finally!!!

one more day of school and a niCE RELAXING WEEKEND WOOOOO

quote of the day: “and her story will forever remain, untold”, my fave line of the whole play. 

oh sehun


	135. 11th May 2018

dear diary,

i don’t really know what to feel right now. i think i’m just going to write what happen and figure out what i did wrong. 

yesterday jongin, kyungsoo and i went out and it was super fun because we got a bunch of pancakes from this pancake house we found and just had fun i guess. 

we came home and jongin and i were having a sugar rush so we were laughing and giggling with each other and it was the most fun i had in sometime, everything felt perfect and i felt like i could pause time with my best friend. 

i guess i took it too far, so maybe that was my fault. 

today when jongin and i got home from our lesson, jongin asked if we could stay in and watch movies instead of hanging around with everyone because he said he was too tired to  
go out, so maybe that was a sign i just never noticed. 

when we were watching our film i did let myself go i guess, jongin and i were cuddling and i should’ve stayed to the rule of no cuddles even if it is my best friend because i’ve fucked everything up, it’s all my fucking fault. 

jongin started to laugh at the film and i looked up at him and our faces were really close and it was like... i don’t know our eyes just were connected and my heart was just not working at all. i don’t know how to feel. then he leaned in and kissed me. 

he wasn’t drunk, he knew what he was doing, and i didn’t know what to do because i was so shocked that it happened, i froze so i didn’t kiss back. and when jongin noticed he stopped kissing me and moved away, and he just kept saying sorry over and over again and we both were just at shock at what happened. 

i didn’t know what to do so i just grabbed my diary and left the room after saying sorry and there was part of me that wanted to stay and make sure jongin was okay, but there was a voice in the back of my head which was just telling me to run and run until you find somewhere where you can be alone. 

at first i was going to go baekhyun, but he was going to get angry because that’s just was baekhyun does. and kyungsoo is there for me but he’s always liked jongin more. this is my fault, all my fault. 

i was walking through the hallway towards... i don’t know where i was gonna go but yixing found me and took me to his room so here i am. 

he’s out in the second year kitchen now making me the raspberry and strawberry herbal tea he likes to make for me, i’m hoping it’ll calm me down. yixing seems like he’s the type of person to understand me, and he said i can stay here for as long as i need to, even if i need to sleep over. 

i just don’t know how to feel, at all. i wanted to kiss back but i shouldn’t of, but did i want to kiss him back because of guilt of not kissing back... or because i really wanted to. i’m scared to admit what the truth is, and i don’t know how to admit the truth to myself to. 

yixing is back and we’re going to talk, so i should stop writing. 

oh sehun


	136. 12th May 2018

dear diary,

so i spoke to yixing last night and he told me i need to speak to jongin about his feelings, and mine. and i need to figure out mine... but i don’t want to do that. i don’t want to know, i want to stay ignorant i guess. 

i went back to my room today and jongin was angry so i decided not to talk to him, he didn’t want to talk to me anyway so i didn’t want to bother him. it was awkward but i think i’ve made it like that :( because it was me who ran away. 

i think i’ve pushed away all my close friends, baekhyun doesn’t really trust me and now jongin, i never really talk to tao, jungwoo, lucas or anyone anymore. only kyungsoo really. 

i’m now round kyungsoo and he told me it’s okay to stay until i need to go to bed, but i’m gonna see if i can sleep here. 

i’m just feeling really down, i’m just glad i have kyungsoo still. 

oh sehun


	137. 13th May 2018

dear diary,

today was an okay day, kyungsoo and i had lunch together and it felt weird just the two of us, but i know it was only the two of us because i’ve fallen out with everyone. 

i’ve been avoiding baekhyun and jongin and even though i hate the thought that i haven’t spoken to them in a few days, i don’t think it’s right to anymore. 

i’ve upset jongin and i know baekhyuns going to judge me. so i’ll leave them both alone. 

kyungsoo won’t hate me? right? 

i don’t know. 

i’m hoping it’s okay tomorrow. 

oh sehun


	138. 14th May 2018

dear diary,

i tried to speak to jongin today in ethics and he did not talk to me at all. he kept ignoring me even when we had to do partner work. 

i know it’s my fault, and i need to apologise but i don’t know, i just can’t get myself to do it. because if i apologise does that mean i’m okay with him kissing me? i don’t want to give that intention. i don’t want jongin to think i’m gay, because i don’t even know what i am. 

the kiss felt good, and i’m scared about that. 

when i kissed joohyun it didn’t feel this good, but maybe because she was just the wrong girl, and i knew that internally.

i ended up going back to kyungsoo’s room and i must’ve seemed angry because kyungsoo asked if i was okay and i started crying and he asked if i’d been arguing with jongin. and i said no, because i would be happy with arguing with jongin because at least we would still be talking. i feel like a ghost around him and i know i made it that way.

he offered to switch rooms with me for a night so i was happy to do that, i don’t really know kyungsoo’s room mate too well but he’s really loud and funny so he made me smile for a bit. seungkwan seemed to get bored of me after a while and went to hang around with his friends, but it’s okay because all i’m doing is sleeping here. 

i’ve done some work to distract myself, and it kind of worked, but writing this has just reminded me that i only have one friend right now, kyungsoo. 

oh sehun.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> SORRY THIS WAS SO LATE!! 
> 
> at least you get two chapters in one night hehe


	139. 15th April 2018

dear diary,

i have officially lost all my best friends except kyungsoo. 

i had work with baekhyun today because he was covering minho and i was just tired + avoiding telling him that i had kissed jongin so he asked me if he had done something wrong. 

and i wanted to say NO YOU HAVENT IM JUST AN ASSHOLE WHO CANT WORK A BRAIN... but because i can’t speak words apparently i just shook my head, and he told me he had been stressing out that he had upset me would lose me, and all i could say was ‘it’s me i’m sorry’, because that’s all i can say. the truth.

he didn’t seem too happy with that answer, and looking back on it now i think baekhyun wanted me to tell him and now he thinks i don’t trust him. i trust him with my life, i just don’t trust him to judge me. 

i don’t want to be judged. 

update on jongin; he still hasn’t spoken to me, but jungwoo was speaking to me and he said that jongin was feeling down and that he missed me... so why won’t he talk to me??

i’m spending the night in kyungsoo’s again because i don’t think jongin wants me back, he says he misses me but i don’t think he wants me there. 

ugh. please can i go back to september? to when i just met everyone and start again??

no. i don’t mean that. if i went back to the beginning i wouldn’t know how to relieve all the memories i’ve created perfectly, and even though i regret some of the things i have done, i need to own them and move on, and keep improving myself to be a better person. 

oh sehun


	140. 16th May 2018

dear diary,

i spoke to kyungsoo today and in summary... kyungsoo told me it’s not healthy to ignore all my friends (even though i think it’s the right thing + jongin has been ignoring me) and then he said something weird which i never thought of.

he asked me if i thought my uncle scared me, and at first i didn’t understand so i asked what he meant and he said “ever since your family left you’ve not been the same, you’ve spoken about your uncle and i think he’s scared you about being who you are” 

and maybe he’s right? i have felt odd since my family left, and when i thought about it i knew it wasn’t my mum, dad or brother, it had to be my uncle. 

but.. what he says is true, about being straight and maybe i’m just worried about being a relationship because he will set me up with soz one. 

that has to be it, right??

kyungsoo is really smart to think of that, i think maybe he actually is a detective rather than just acting one in our play.

i’m gonna spend the night in my room, i’m here right now and jongin hasn’t even acknowledged my presence but... i’m content enough just being in the same room as him. i’ve missed it. 

oh sehun


	141. 17th May 2018

dear diary,

i’m crying and i feel like such a pussy but today was the worst. 

i’ve been thinking about this whole situation and i just want ni- i mean jongin by my side again. it’s the first time something has gone wrong between us and i just want it back to normal, so i tried to talk to him but where he kept ignoring me i had to literally stand in front of him and i said ‘nini’ because i’ve always called him that... and jongin snapped and he said something like “what do you want? am i not a good enough best friend anymore? because apparently we can’t solve things and you run away when things go wrong. i didn’t realise i was a thing that was wrong.”

and it looks like i’ve just made it up but i remember it word for word because it hurt so bad, and when i argues back i said nini and he shouted ‘ITS JONGIN’ and i said i’m sorry jongin. and he couldn’t care less... in fact he told me didn’t care at all and told me to go back wherever i came from because he’s still upset from me. 

i don’t know if he meant go home or go back to kyungsoo’s room, and my heart just aches. 

jongin came back so i’ve stopped crying so jongin doesn’t see me like this. 

 

fuck. i couldn’t hold it in so i’m in the dance studio and it’s dark n scary but i need to cry for a bit without anyone judging me. 

oh sehun.


	142. 18th May 2018

dear diary,

today nothing happened because i didn’t want to talk to anyone. 

i feel like shit. and an asshole. but i have been an asshole so... 

i feel like i need to say something to jongin but i don’t think words will work anymore, all he fucking does is ignore me now and it’s my fault because i’ve pushed him away. 

i was the one who caused this. 

i miss just sitting in the room and jongin acknowledging me. i’ve taken it all for granted and all i want is to see jongin smile at me again, even if it’s an evil smile. i miss seeing him not angry around me.

do you think i’ll get my best friend back?

i’m asking you as if you will answer me but your just a book. and i’m just alone. 

oh sehun.


	143. 19th May 2018

dear diary,

i slept in till 12am and headed to work a little late, baekhyun tried to talk to me but i knew he was angry and we were just going to argue and i wasn’t in the mood. 

just come home from work and jongin is still ignoring me so i’m just gonna sleep, so i’m writing early. 

hopefully tomorrow will be better. i need a good day. 

oh sehun.


	144. 21st May 2018

dear diary,

it was my first day back at school and i missed nini so bad. i shouldn’t call him nini but in my heart he will always be my nini. and even if he hates me right now, i hope i’ll always be his hunnie.

the only thing that’s happened recently that’s given me hope that he still cares for me is that he was sleeping and he was cuddling on to hunnie the duckie stuffie and then he woke up and realised what he was doing, he cuddled it and fell back asleep.

he’s been sleeping a lot more recently and i’m worried, like when i saw that it was like... 4pm when we just came back from ethics and he just got on the bed. it’s 10 and he woke up for an hour but he’s already back asleep. 

i didn’t feel like writing yesterday because jongin and i almost argued and i really wasn’t in the mood to write anything. not to mention that baekhyun knocked on the door and asked me if i wanted to go watch deadpool 2 with him.... and i really wanted to go but i know he will be angry at me once he finds out. 

i know this is all my problem, but i don’t know how i should solve it. 

ugh. 

oh sehun.


	145. 23rd May 2018

dear diary,

i had revision with junmyeon and giving today and they even noticed that something was wrong... and i felt so stupid because i started crying in front of my idol and i look up to them both and it was really embarrassing. 

i’m still embarrassed now and i wanna punch myself for letting myself slip and showing my emotions like that.

we stopped revising and they both just helped me calm down and gave me breathing exercises to do when i feel like i’m going to cry, because it’ll help me calm down, but junmyeon said it’s okay to cry, so i’m trying to remember that so i’m not as embarrassed.

yixing wrote me some final notes before my mock week, because next week if half term and the week after that is mocks so i won’t see him in forever, and i’m really worried but he’s made the notes really easy to learn (and junmyeon has helped too!) and in total, i have one less thing to worry about. i think...

as i left junmyeon told me to see him tomorrow so i’m worried he’s gonna make confess to him, or he’s gonna talk to me about something i don’t know the answer too. 

either way, i hope some alone time with junmyeon will make me feel a little happier, after all, i still look up to him a lot!

anyways, jongin should be home soon and i don’t want to disturb him. so i need to finish writing and turn off the lights. 

oh sehun.


	146. 24th May 2018

dear diary,

TODAY WAS BETTER!!!

i went to see junmyeon and i brought kyungsoo with me because he’s a big help in my life and i thought he could help out. 

we started talking bout my life with junmyeon and kyungsoo brought up my uncle and i didn’t understand at all at first, but he made the point that since my uncle left, i’ve been acting different. 

then we spoke about it more and it made me realise that what my uncle said about being ‘gay’ has made me not act like myself at all. i know i’m not gay, but the way i act is quite feminine, as junmyeon said. but he also said that it’s stereotyping gay people, and that people are people and we should not define who we are by who we like. 

so... in conclusion!!! i need to stop ‘acting straight’ because that’s not who i am. i’m not going to act ‘gay’ either, because that’s not who i am either. i am sehun, and i’m going to act like sehun!! 

junmyeon and kyungsoo said i should be comfortable round my friends and that it’s okay to feel like this... and i was like ??? what would i do without them???

i had pented up feelings to hide my sehun by acting straight, because i was trying to live to my uncles standards, but!!! now i know, i can be me! 

i’m super happy today, and now i just need to figure out how to solve the problems i’ve caused, also to revise and be a good person!! 

life is looking up WOOO!

quote of the day; “you brought a friend, the more the merrier”, said by junmyeon, “unless it’s germs, you want as few as germs as you can!”

it made me laugh because it’s so weird, but he’s super funny and smart!!

oh sehun

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> finALLY!!


	147. 25th May 2018

dear diary,

last night when i got home from junmyeon’s it was quite late so i didn’t have time to talk to anyone, plus jongin was sleeping so i left him a little note on the side of his bed which read;

“hi jongin,  
it’s sehun, i know i’ve been out of character for a while, but i promise i’ll be back soon. i hope you want to be my friend still. i love you.   
sehun.”

i hoped he would’ve given me a chance because i need to make it up to him, and tao, and baekhyun, and jungwoo, and lucas. all my friends. i’ve betrayed them by not giving them me. 

but when i got home today i found the note scrunched up and on the floor beside my bed, it hurt but i know i have to work to get my friendship back with jongin. i know it’ll be hard but i’ll try my hardest!! 

i won’t give up, NOT ME!!! not new me. new me is gonna fix my wrongs. 

today though was okay, it was the last day before half term so i was excited for the holidays!! plus i was adjusting to being myself again, so i noticed the differences with how i used to be and how i want to be.

like i used to not like hugging my friends and now i’m okay with it!! i hugged tao like one hundred times today and he said i was acting funny but it’s the most normal i have felt in weeks. 

kyungsoo normally wouldn’t appreciate the hugs but today he loved them all!!!

gah i’m already feeling me again, and i’ll get my friends back soon, just watch me!!

oh sehun.


	148. 26th May 2018

dear diary,

when i think life is getting better, it takes a turn for the worst. 

i’m writing this on paper because i don’t have my diary with me, but junmyeon told me to write my feelings down and what happened.

 

today i was in a really good mood and i went on a mission to become friends with baekhyun again, and when i was getting closer to the room i heard shouting and then i heard my name, so i turned on my camera on my phone and recorded the convo because at first i thought people were bitching about me so i wanted to hear properly. but, what i got instead was... i don’t know. fucking betrayal???

what i heard was baekhyun and chanyeol arguing, and i’m gonna listen to the video again so future me... if the paper is wet and you forgot... it’s because i’m crying again. 

 

(from where i came)  
chanyeol: it’s not my fault   
baekhyun: it is your fault, you can’t keep your fucking dick in your pants  
chanyeol: me, keep my dick in my pants? you deliberately lead every person on this whole school   
baekhyun: what the fuck, when (chanyeol cut him off)  
chanyeol: you knew how i felt for you, and you acted like... that in front of everyone.   
baekhyun: and you knew how i felt for sehun, so don’t act as if ( i cant really make it out)  
chanyeol: i fucking slept with you, was that not obvious for you? do you wanna know something? i didn’t even fucking like joohyun   
baekhyun: so why would you do that to sehun?

this is where i started crying, and i can hear it on record so i’m beginning to cry again haha. 

chanyeol: because you only ever looked at sehun, you never even took my feelings into consideration.   
baekhyun: i don’t understand what your saying (baekhyun sounded really upset and i’ve never really heard him sound this weak)  
chanyeol: what i’m saying is, if i couldn’t have you because you wanted sehun, then i was gonna take what sehun wanted, because that would upset you wouldn’t it? if i hurt sehun it would hurt you too. two birds with one stone, right?

then baekhyun started shouting at chanyeol saying all these swear words and then i started crying even more, then i realised i was in the middle of the hallway crying. 

i can’t believe chanyeol did that to me, to us. he broke our whole group... for what? i still don’t understand. is chanyeol gay? did he like baekhyun? i could always feel like there was something between them. but it’s all been thrown in my face, right? 

i don’t even know if that’s the first time baekhyun and chanyeol had spoken since the incident. well they must of had, because they had slept with each other, and i’m sure it wasn’t just like, sleeping. they had sex. i don’t know how but, fuck. i’m so fucking angry. 

hearing all this was like... i don’t know how to even describe it. like when you see a car crash, you don’t want to look because it’s scary and it’s not something nice to look at, yet your drawn to look at it to see what’s happening. that was me, i wanted to run away and clean my ears, yet i stood at the door crying while recording like an idiot. 

when i felt like i listened for too long, i ran to the dance room and put my phone in the speaker, playing the music really loudly and i just danced. i don’t even remember what i did, i span, i jumped, and i couldn’t breathe. my chest felt like it was closing up because i was crying and dancing and the music was so loud. 

my ears started to hurt, then my chest, my legs felt like they were just dragging the rest of my body through hell, yet i didn’t stop. i wanted to dance all this anger out, this... weight in my chest just felt like it needed to get out. 

my mind was at a blank yet,,, i felt like i was thinking too much, and before i knew it i was shouting too, i didn’t even know what i was doing. 

junmyeon found me and turned on the music, and i was stood in the middle of the room just staring at him and i couldn’t stop breathing so loudly, my chest was pumping up and down and i still felt like i couldn’t breathe. 

junmyeon asked me what was wrong, and if i was crying because i had hurt myself, and ‘if you’re hurt stop dancing because you’ll make your injury worse’. 

i just wanted to point to my chest and say ‘it hurts here junmyeon-hyung’, i wanted to carry on screaming and shouting at acting like the fucking idiot i am, how do you explain the situation i am in? 

the only thing i could say was “my friend slept with my girlfriend to get back at my best friend for liking me and not him”, because that’s the situation right? one sentence to describe all these emotions. fuck. what the fuck is happening. 

junmyeon took me up to his room and let me shower and he’s gone downstairs to get some clothes for me from jongin, but i was not gonna rely on jongin because 1. he hates me and 2. he is probably sleeping. i gave him my keys, n i’m hoping he will grab me my pyjamas. 

junmyeons room is calming, he put this candle in front of me and said to make sure it didn’t burn his room down.

he’s back now so i’m going to talk to him, i’ll stick this in my book tomorrow.

oh sehun.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> BIG BOMB!!! bet you thought you saw the last of chanyeol hehe... buT OUR VILLAIN IS BACK AND HES HOTTER THAN EVER


	149. 27th May 2018

dear diary,

junmyeon let me sleep in his room last night which was really nice of him, he has a double bed and at first i was really scared because i’m a hugger while i sleep and i thought he was gonna sleep in the same bed as me but he slept on the sofa. 

when i woke up i just felt, i don’t know, numb? i didn’t know how to feel and junmyeon made me some tea and we spoke about a lot of things. 

we started off with why i was upset yesterday, and i told him my whole situation and he said it would be a tough thing to understand and i shouldn’t beat myself about it if i don’t understand.

i told him i didn’t know how i feel about myself and after a long talk... about everything... junmyeon helped me realise that loving someone isn’t bound to a gender, love is a universal thing and he poked my nose and said i should know this because of philosophy and it made me happy because he makes me feel so comfortable. 

i think it could apply to me, like... liking people for who they are not for ‘what’s in their pants’ as junmyeon said, and i told him that’s what baekhyun says he is and junmyeon said that it’s perfectly normal not to love just one type of person. 

so from today, i will stop looking at people for what gender they are, and more what their personality is like!!!

does that make sense?

i don’t know, i’m still trying to get my head round this, but somehow i feel like i know it’s me??

he told me i could stay here as long as i want but i’m gonna go on a walk round school to clear my head and do some revision, junmyeon has done a lot for me!!

yesterday when he got my clothes, he came back with my bag packed with stuff, and i asked how he got it and he said jongin helped him pack an overnight backpack and i wanted to cry even more because jongin still likes me!! 

it had my toothbrush, my favourite pyjamas and nini the teddy, oh and my book! i want to thank jongin tonight, so i hope he wants to talk to me. 

today is a new start to a new beginning, i hope it goes well for me. 

oh sehun.


	150. 28th May 2018

dear diary,

story time with oh sehun, i should just become a youtuber because i feel like my life is one whole drama.

when i got home last night jongin was asleep and i was sad at first but i remembered about the backpack and it was okay!! 

today when i woke up he was gone and i knew he would be at the dance studio so i made my way down to there and when i walked jongin gave me a dirty look and then i got super scared, because i thought fuck maybe this is a bad idea. but i kept walking towards him and i just kept thinking back pack back pack. 

i said i had something to tell him and he got angry and he said ‘i do too’ and then he said ‘i know you enjoyed kissing me and you made me feel like shit. on my birthday you kissed me and you lead me on so when i kissed you again it was as if i was crazy’. 

i was completely taken aback because not only did jongin remember our first kiss, but i had led him on and it was only then when i realised. 

i asked really stupidly ‘you remember?’ and then he said something about how he couldn’t forget kissing his best friend. 

then i said “i’m like baekhyun”, and i knOW I COULDVE SAID IT BETTER BECAUSE IT DOES SOUND CONFUSING, and jongin said “you like baekhyun?” and i was like ‘what? no? i think i’m like baekhyun, i don’t like gender i like personality.’ 

i thought jongin was angry because at first he didn’t do anything, he was just staring at me and he looked angry but then he just sighed with relief??? and he said he understood and he said that probably explained why i was acting like ‘a complete cumsplat’ (which i took because it was true)

i asked if we could go back to normal because i didn’t want the tension anymore and jongin nodded and we came back up to the room and we were just talking about things that we missed when i was absent from being a good friend. 

jongin was distant from me, and he didn’t really touch or cuddle like he used to but i know thats because i’ve like... emotionally scarred him? i know it’s my fault because i’ve pushed him away. but i’m gonna earn his trust back. without fail. 

oh sehun.


	151. 28th May 2018

dear diary,

i’m making a revision table today because i’ve got mocks next week ugh x 500 

so think this is what i’m gonna do;

tuesday (today);  
theatre studies

wednesday;  
ethics

thursday;  
philosophy + revision with yixing

friday;  
english 

saturday;  
test papers 

sunday;  
test papers

 

i’ll try to stick to it but ew i hate it. 

i’ve been trying to concentrate but i’ve been so distracted by the whole baekhyun situation, because not only does he know the reason why me and joohyun broke up and he didn’t tell me, he’s been sleeping with chanyeol even though he was my best friend.

i’m hurt a lot and i can’t believe i’ve been ignorant to it all. 

my heart aches but i’m ignoring it for now, i need to focus on my exams. 

i just want to know if anyone else knew, because if it was only me who didn’t know i’ll cry more than i already have. 

oh sehun.


	152. 29th May 2018

dear diary,

TODAY WAS GREAT!!

after revision (which went okie) jongin and i went out and it was super fun!!

at first jongin was kinda awkward, and i knew it was up to me to change that so when jongin accidentally bumped into me i WASNT A BABY FOR ONCE!!! and i grabbed onto it and linked our hands together. 

he was shocked at first but i just smiled at him like ‘this is okay’ and he smiled back and we went to hyde park and ate our mcdonald’s there and god i missed hanging with my bestie. 

we’re back home and he doesn’t seem to be sleeping all the time now but as i wrote that he just fell asleep so....

i made a mistake lol. 

oh sehun.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i have tests all this week + next week so sorry for the really small and bad updates :(
> 
> wish me good luck!!


	153. 30th May 2018

dear diary,

today was a mess. 

first of all, i was getting ready for work and then baekhyun knocked on the door so i zOOMED INTo the shower so i didn’t have to tsk to him. and i heard baekhyun say “is he okay?” and “i think he knows.”

and i wanted to shOUT BRUH KNOW WHAT??? YOU SLEPT WITH CHANYEOL???? 

then i started thinking.. maybe jongin knew all this time??? i don’t wanna give jongin the cold shoulder because i don’t know if he knows. 

i’ve only told jongin so far i’m not straight, i trust jongin and jongin is learning to trust me again. baekhyun won’t be told just yet, i can’t trust him anymore. i won’t trust him after all the times he’s lost my trust. 

i had to work with baekhyun and he kept trying to start conversation and i was like :) just tell me that you slept with chanyeol, and maybe we can talk about it. but all he kept doing was asking me questions till we hit platitude. 

it was awful. 

jongin came and picked me up from work and we ended up finding jungwoo and lucas and hanging out. 

welll... we revised but it was still really fun!

anyways, speaking of revision, i should go do some so bye for now!!

oh sehun

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> iLL BE SPAMMING CHAPTERS TONIGHT WOO!!!


	154. 1st June 2018

dear diary,

I AM THE MOST SHOOK BEAN IN THE WORLD.

today i spent the day with jungwoo and lucas because jungwoo was drawing for his art portfolio and lucas and i were revising philosophy and it was really fun because jungwoo took pics of us so he could draw us and we had to make silly faces and jungwoo is just super soft. 

BUT HERE IS wHERE I WAS SHOOK. 

jungwoo had to leave for a revision session for science with his friends so he got off the bed and went to walk away and then he quickly ran back and cuddled onto lucas and kissed him goodbye. 

AND MY ASS WAS LIKE

WHAT  
WHEN  
HOW  
SINCE   
WHAT   
HUH

i just sat there the whole time like :0 

so when jungwoo shut the door i immediately jumped on lucas and was like “what the heck was that?”, and he said something like, “oh jungwoo asked me to be his boyfriend, i should’ve asked but he beat me to the punch” 

and i wANTED TO KNOW WHEN, HOW and lucas... for the first time... became shy. lucas plot twist (not really) is a big old meme with a big old heart, AND JUNGWOO ISNT AS SHY AS HE SEEMS. 

seeing them happy together made me feel safe with telling lucas, so i told him i’m bi and lucas was like ME TOO.

so we’re now the new bi bros. 

i’m very excITED!!!

oh sehun.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 6 mONTHS IN WOOO!!


	155. 2nd June 2018

dear diary,

i ended up going back to lucas’ room for a sleep over and jungwoo came back from his revision lesson and i was like... he’s cute,,? is this a ??? boy??? crush??? and thEN I WAS LIKE NO CUS EVERYONE HAS A CRUSH ON JUNGWOO ITS HARD NOT TO. 

when i went back to my room i jumped onto jongins bed and i legit was laying on top of jongin and he tried to squeeze me with his thighs because like... i was... ugh it’s hard to describe how i was laying down yikes. 

i was leaning on my arms on jongins chest, and then i was in the middle of his legs and he tried to squeeze me to death like a snaKE.

anyways 

i decided to show him the tape so i asked if i could show him something and he said sure because he’s nice (duh). so i played it and jongin seemed kind of upset?? and he said let him talk to me about it, don’t make a big deal out of it.

i asked if he knew anything about baekhyun and chanyeol and he said that he thinks i was the only person that didn’t see that was happening between them. he said he didn’t know they went that far but i shouldn’t hold it against him, i should find out baekhyuns reason. 

i asked jongin about what baekhyun meant about me ‘finding out’ and jongin said it was about me liking him, but he doesn’t know i know that he likes me. and then jongin asked why my life is so complicated and i didn’t even know an answer so i just huffed and jongin told me no huffing like a baby and i did it again to annoy him and he threw me on the floor and laughed.

friendship right there. 

i don’t know how to feel about baekhyun liking me. my heart aches and i don’t know how to process it. i guess. i just don’t understand how to feel, so i think that’s why i am avoiding him. 

oh sehun.


	156. 3rd June 2018

dear diary,

today was the last day of my half term before my exam week and i want to cRY!!!

it’s the worst and i’m toooo tired to do exams. 

jongin and i were revising ethics and we were on his bed and he was being a dork and kept making jokes about all our subjects and he was just being cute and giggly and it made me realise even more how much i missed spending actual time with jongin. 

we did some cooking in the first year kitchen and carried on revising and jongin kept poking my nose and we ended up stop revising because we got distracted.

jongin showered while i put our plates back into the first year kitchen and when i got back he jumped on me (in a towel thankfully) and he was like GET WET!! and i can’t even describe how much i laughed (my sides ached) because it sounded so stupid. 

anyways, death of sehun for the next week because whoO LIKES EXAMS???

NOT ME!!

oh sehun

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> IM ALIVE AGAIN!! DID ANYONE MISS ME?


	157. 4th June 2018

dear diary,

sticking in a note with me and kyungsoo talking about stuff, i’ll write who’s who!!

OH WAIT CONTEXT

we were in an english revsion class and he asked me if he finally told me and i told him that i over heard it. 

kyungsoo; baekhyun wanted to tell you, he wanted to tell you a lot of things but it never worked out

me; like telling me he liked me?

kyungsoo; this must’ve been a loud conversation.

me; how did you know?

 

kyungsoo; with baekhyun, chanyeol and i, remember we had a whole year without you guys in our group, before you and jongin we were the three musketeers, and baekhyun used to give his whole attention to us. when you guys came along me and baekhyun got along with you guys amazingly, but to me, chanyeol didn’t like sharing us.

and i was confused at first, but then I remembered kyungsoo came to london a year earlier because where he’s super smart he was able to join a year earlier with a scholarship, but redid first year because he didn’t like the courses he picked,,, but now he’s in my class and with people his age so it all works out!! 

sehun; did you know about them sleeping with each other?

baekhyun; no, but i knew that chanyeol had fallen for baekhyun last year, he was smitten but i think baekhyun was just as clueless as you in his first year. he didn’t really see chanyeol feelings until you were in the picture, and that’s when things went a little tipsy between them two.

 

then we got caught passing notes but we didn’t get told off. 

kyungsoo and i headed to our normal spot for lunch and he asked me how i felt and i said i felt better after i knew who i was and he asked me if i has told my family and i was like :))) POOP I HAVENT 

so i called my mum first and it was really scary and i thought she would hate me, but instead her first reaction was WOOOOO IM SO HAPPY! MARRY KYUNGSOO SO I CAN HAVE COOKING LESSONS WITH MY SON IN LAW

And i wanted to cry with laughter and embarrassment and kyungsoo said hi to my mum and my mum said that kyungsoo is taking good care of me and i was like... IM AN ADULT MUM!!!

i didn’t have time to call the rest of my family because i had to go to my exam and i thought i did well so i’m very happy!! 

i called my dad once i got back to my room and he said that he won’t tell my uncle, and if my uncle finds out he will have to deal with it. he also said that he’s happy i’m happy, and it’ll be okay and iT MADE ME SUPER HAPPY!!!

lastly was seyoung and he said and i quote “it’s all equal now, so i’ve brought a new woman into the family, and you can bring a new man.” 

and then he said he knew i was special from when we were young because he took me shopping to spend my first allowance and i went straight passed the the army things and to a fake dog??? and now thinking of it i really miss vivi... she was a fake poodle but i plan on getting a real vivi in the future. 

once i hung up i felt just like... so content?? i know i’ve told everyone except baekhyun, but how do i tell him without ruining things between us.

i’ll try to stay positive!!

oh sehun.


	158. 5th June 2018

dear diary,

i had my ethics exam and i didn’t feel prepared at all... i feel like i didn’t do well UGH!!’

my drama exam was tomorrow and i was going to see baekhyun and use that as an excuse because baekhyun could’ve helped but... i couldn’t find the confidence to talk to him. i don’t know what to say. 

i think i’m going to wait till my exams are over so i don’t need to stress even more, that makes sense right?

i’m not gonna write too much because i wanna keep on revising drama !!

oh sehun


	159. 6th June 2018

dear diary,

my exam went super well!!

i thought drama would be hard because i’m not too strong with my theory part of my theatre studies but hHhHhHhH iT WENT WELL??? MAYBE???

kyungsoo said his went well so i’m glad the both of us did well!!

i met up with tao and we went out to see deadpool and it made me realise how much i miss him and i promised him i would make it up to him and he poked my nose and told me if i didn’t live up to my promise he would kick the back of my head??? and i think he actually would. 

i’m currently revising but i wanted to quickly write down what i’ve done because i’m finding it hard to find time and it sucks butt :(

anyways,  
bye bye diary for now 

oh sehun

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i’m so sorry for the infrequent updates, i’m trying to catch up i’m promise!!!
> 
> i hope i get all my active readers again!! i have a lot of (kissing) and (cuddles) planned with various ships soon hehe


	160. 7th June 2018

dear diary,

okay it’s official!!! i’ve failed all my exams and especially my philosophy exAM WOOO!!!

i shall be homeless so hopefully i will still be able to afford one pen so i can continue to write in this. 

i know i’m over reacting because it’s just a mock after all,, and i should move on because i always have a chance to try again, right?

i’ve been thinking a lot about joohyun and i, or joohyun and the situation. i want to know why she did it, because if chanyeol did it to get back at baekhyun, then did she do it to get back at me? or i don’t know, this is confusing. 

i know i probably shouldn’t of but i texted her and asked if we could meet to talk about us, and she said she was free tomorrow and i swear to got i almost pooped myself i was so nervous. 

i’m gonna write down the questions i’m gonna ask so i know what to say:

did you cheat on me to help chanyeol get back at me?

did you know the situation?

did you know what chanyeol was doing, and if so, why did you carry on?

i don’t know any other questions.

jongin just challenged me to wrestle with him and of course i will NOT miss the opportunity to procrastinate more, so bye bye for now!

oh sehun

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i’ll be posting twice a day until i get back up to date!!! i hope you guys enjoy the gay- i mean story i’m continuing to write!!


	161. 8th June 2018

dear diary 

today i had a free day because i had finished all my exams and we had study leave, soooo.... joohyun and i met up. 

so, she said she had no idea about baekhyun and chanyeols... situation? or, i don’t know, chanyeol liking baekhyun, i don’t know how baekhyun feels towards chanyeol because he supposedly like likes me.

she thought i liked baekhyun too, and that i was using her as a beard? i don’t know what that meant but she said it’s to cover ‘being gay’ and that’s not what happened, because i did like her at the time but i guess my feelings didn’t come off that way.

she said she never slept with chanyeol, just... other things... so stuff that i couldn’t do. i was hurt but, she said that it wasn’t my fault. joohyun said chanyeol always seemed to make an extra effort with her, he’d go to her school and that was the first time they did anything. she said she was gonna tell me and break up, but i caught them before. 

we decided to be friends after, but i’ll know to keep her at an arms length, she didn’t do anything wrong in my eyes anymore, i think chanyeol changed this whole situation for his gain. well... she did but! i think chanyeol had a bigger role in all of this...

WELL!!! LOOK AT CHANYEOL NOW!!!

scratch that. 

that was mean

chanyeol must be hurting for some reason that he feels he needs to take out what he’s hurt by on someone else, and now he’s put himself in a situation where he’s got no one he can talk to. 

i don’t think i could personally try to be friends with him again, not just yet, but, i hope someone is friends with him, so he isn’t all alone. 

ANYWAYS!!! 

i’m glad joohyun and i are better, now i’ve just got to solve my baekhyun situation, ughHhhHH HELP ME MR DIARY!!!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> AHHHH HI EVERYONE!!!
> 
> tomorrow is my birthday and from then!!! i’m going to make sure i do my updates until i’m back up to date!! i’m so sorry this story has been paused for a while, i hope you guys learn to love the story just as you did before, but until then!!! enjoy the best you can!!


	162. 9th June 2018

dear diary, 

today i finally accepted the fact that i need to sort out my baekhyun situation. the only thing i really have of him in my room are the letters, (and his hoodie that doesn’t fit, and a few pairs of mix matched socks because he has a habit of taking them off while he is sleeping but besides the point), i decides to read the one labelled as “open when you realise who you are”. 

i guessed it was something to do with my sexuality, because everyone else knew it before i did, which is kind of embarrassing, but hey, i got here. 

it’s the first thing i’ve had to do with baekhyun since the situation and at first i was scared, i don’t know why. maybe scared to accept baekhyuns feelings, or scared to the fact i could lose baekhyun even more. 

i’m gonna stick in the letter below. 

 

My Sehun,

So, You’re probably wondering how I knew, right?

The answer is: I don’t. Well, I got hints that you weren’t completely straight, but I guess i hoped more than knew. By the time you open this, I hope you know how I feel (if not STOP READING AND READ ‘OPEN WHEN YOU REALISE’) because my feelings for you made me selfish. That is my reasoning for thinking you’re not completely straight, But enough about me.

Ah, My Sehun is all grown up, it feels like only yesterday you needed help and me, being the knight in shining armour, gave you just what you needed. I hope I can continue to play this role, someone who can help you in your times of need. Realising who you are is difficult and comes with many things you need to face, such as people who won’t accept you. But I am so proud of you, My Little Sehunnie. I wish I could still call you that and it still mean the same, you’ve grown too much for my liking, NOT complaining about the height you are now but, You’re growing up, and I hope I am by your side as you continue to flourish and grow into the amazing person you are. 

GO SEHUNNIE!!!

You’ll always be my little Sehunnie, even if you grow another foot above me. 

Baek x 

 

i don’t really know how to feel. i’ve been so disconnected from baekhyun that i guess all these feelings have hit me at once. i didn’t read the letter he told me to, i can only take so much at a time, especially when jongin is sleeping and i can’t be confused out loud.

the conclusions i’ve brought from this are;

1\. i think i’m scared of him liking me, in the way of like like. i don’t know how far down the rabbit how he has ‘fallen’ (only saying fallen because it fits with my metaphor) for the mess people call me.

2\. my feelings won’t change towards the way he acted with chanyeol. this is because chanyeol used joohyun and she didn’t know, and baekhyun still spoke to him regardless. it hurt to know my best friend was in contact with someone who caused me harm.

3\. i feel like i don’t really know baekhyun anymore. we’ve been distant for one, but now i feel like i’m just seeing the second layer of baekhyun. i don’t really know much about baekhyun at all, i only know the surface layer because that’s all he has ever shown to me. 

i guess that’s where my friendship with him and jongin differs. i know jongin like the back of my hand, i know all there is to him and he could say the same back to me. even if he wasn’t my room mate i think it would’ve been destined to be like this, jongin and i were made to know each other. 

baekhyun and i on the other hand, it’s a one sided thing regarding knowing each other. baekhyun could tell you everything about me, even the stupidest things like what colour my tooth brush is or what my 6th birthday party is, yet, i couldn’t tell you anything about baekhyun minus the surface layer. what his favourite colour is, what he likes to wear, basic things. he’s never really opened up emotionally in the way i have to him. 

maybe he doesn’t see me as the type of person who is responsible for looking after his feelings, and maybe that’s why he didn’t tell me he liked me. 

i think i’m a detective??? a psychologist ??? go sehun. 

ouch wait, no, that’s not a good thing.

if he doesn’t see me as the type of person who he wants me to be, that’s why he didn’t tell me his feelings, and that’s why i’ll never get to know him. haha now i feel kinda stupid, things are making sense now. 

i’m gonna go cuddle jongin because my heart aches since i’ve just realised baekhyun doesn’t want me to know him. jongin gives the best cuddles when he’s sleeping because he cuddles you like you’re a teddy bear and it makes me feel small like he could break me and half a kill me, (that’s the plan) but he wouldn’t. he makes me feel safe, and makes the problems go away. 

oh sehun

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this chap is really long sorrryyy
> 
>  
> 
> I had a gREAT BIRTHDAY YESTERDAY WOOO!!!
> 
> expect lots of gay updates !!


	163. 10th June 2018

dear diary,

today, was shit. 

it was my last day of freedom, and i thought i’d have fun with kyungsoo because he makes me super happy and, it didn’t go to plan at first. 

i wanted to talk to him about the letter, so i took the letter and started walking towards his dorm room and as i walked out, baekhyun was there. his hand was lifted so i guess he was about to knock on the door, but either way i would’ve ran into him. 

as soon as our eyes met, i just wanted to cry? we just stood there and didn’t say anything and i didn’t really know what to say because... my head wasn’t making any sense.

all i did was hold out the letter and passed it to him, and he didn’t say anything until he realised what letter it was and then he just said sorry. 

i was holding back tears and i was biting my lip and i thought it was gonna start to bleed. i said “i don’t feel like i know you anymore” and he looked like i just stabbed him and both of us just looked like we were about to cry. 

he said “why do things keep happening to us?”, and i was going to say because i don’t know you and you won’t let me, but i knew if i opened up my mouth i would just start sobbing so i just shrugged. 

i didn’t know what to do so i took the letter out of baekhyuns hands and walked away, and he held onto my wrist to get me to turn around but once he turned me round he just said “open the letter, you know which one”, and then let go?

so i continued to walk to kyungsoos room and i walked in without asking and he turned round to me and he looked so worried. then i broke down and just ran into his arms because he was sitting on his bed and he held me and it was calming. he let me cry for as long as i needed and when i was ready he listened to me. 

he told me it’s okay for me to feel like this, he said we had an intense friendship so when things like this happen it’s okay for it to hurt more. 

i ended up laying on kyungsoo for the whole day, listening to his heart beat was soothing and as usual i was a book rest to him, it’s okay though because he was half sitting up with the book on my head and i was able to lay on his chest and listen to him read. he was starting a new book so he read outloud, and his voice is so warm and soft that it distracted me. 

i still don’t know how to feel, my heart doesn’t feel like it’s working because i’m so confused. ugh. 

i wanna cuddle someone because it seems to stop the confusing feelings for a bit but i feel like i’m just using people now :( i like being close to people when i’m sad, so it’s okay for me to want to cuddle my friends when i’m sad right?

i don’t want jongin and kyungsoo to think i’m using them. maybe i’ll find someone who i haven’t cuddled in a while so they don’t feel as used. 

maybe jungwoo and taemin will let me be in the middle of a sandwich because i know lucas will be zonked out so won’t be in their dorm room. NOT MEANING THAT ITS OKAY, meaning i can’t get cuddles from jungwoo and lucas, (their cuddles are the best) and taemin and jungwoo and i haven’t cuddles all together before.

 

 

i’ve texted jungwoo and him and taemin sent a selfie of them two cuddling with a teddy saying “this teddy could be you but your playing”, so i think i’m taking that as a hint that i can go and cuddle them. 

i’ve left a note by jongins bed saying i’ll be staying over taem’s and woowoo’s dorm. 

bye bye for now,  
sorry for only being sad diary, i’ll cheer up so i don’t use as many pages in you. 

oh sehun

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this has got a little bit of every ship in it uwu


	164. 11th June 2018

dear diary,

today i had school but the whole time i just felt... a little floppy on the inside. i don’t know if that makes sense but like, when you hold a pancake by one side it flops and hangs low, that’s me right now. 

i don’t really know what to do with myself, i was going to spend the day with lucas, jungwoo and taemin because i go back to work tomorrow and we won’t be able to spend as much time with each other. but, i just feel tired. 

i didn’t really want to do anything but jongin basically threw me over his shoulder after class and took me up to the dorm rooms and we stayed inside and watched a movie (after he threw me onto his bed). 

jongin fell asleep after a while and as much as i wanted to stay and cuddle forever, i knew there was a letter i needed to open from baekhyun. 

i somehow wiggled out of jongins tight hold because he gets extra clingy when he’s sleeping, then i got the letters out from under my bed and my hands were physically shaking. i didn’t like the fact i was so scared, but i knew i had to read it. i’m still i’m shock now and honestly... i’m overwhelmed with all this information i don’t know what to do with. 

i’m gonna stick in the ‘open when you realise’ letter under here so it won’t go missing. 

 

Dear My Sehun,

I don’t really know how to write this, I’m not really good at these sort of things. I’m more of an ‘actions are better than words’ type of person. I’ll try my hardest to say my true emotions.

In no disrespect to you, you have a very, very thick scull, Yet you’re the smartest person I know? What I mean is, You’re very oblivious. Which is not a bad thing! It’s actually quite adorable but, It’s difficult to give hints to you don’t catch on, So you’ve left me no choice but to spell it out to you. Literally. 

Do you remember the day before the valentines ball? When I jumped on your bed and you told me about you and joohyun? I was going to ask you to out on a date that day, And then from that ask you to be my date for the ball, And then from that ask you if we could go on more dates. 

But, you told me about you and Joohyun and I think I tried to blind myself to how serious you and Joohyun were and I don’t know, it felt like my world was crashing. I think I gave myself some sort of false hope that you would miraculously fall for me, Even though you liked Joohyun and you were convinced you’re straight, Or are convinced, i don’t know. 

I don’t know how to say these things, But I know what I feel for you isn’t just a sexual attraction, It’s an emotional attraction. I haven’t had someone like you in my life before, Every time i’m round you I can’t help but feel special. You make me feel special.

In my little world, you are like my sunshine that keeps it bright. When we argue or don’t talk for a long time it makes me feel dark and alone and I can’t stand it, and I used to think it was a bad thing my emotions are so dependant on you, But now I think it’s one of the best risks i could take. 

I don’t want to spell it out, because I hope one day i’ll be able to talk to you about things like this, I hope I can open up to you because I really am trying. I promise. Take this as a very obvious hint, and if you don’t I swear to god i’m taking you to a neurosurgeon or something to fix that cute little head of yours. 

Yours truly,

Baekhyun. 

 

 

1\. i feel awful, because the last thing i said to baekhyun was that i didn’t feel like i knew him at all, and he said he was trying. meaning i’m an asshole.   
2\. call me oblivious but, Baekhyun is serious about liking me, right?   
3\. i don’t know what to do with this new found information, do i approach baekhyun about it, or do i let baekhyun come to me. after what i said yesterday i don’t think he will be coming to me.   
4\. i can’t keep avoiding this anymore, because it’s not just my feelings i’m postponing, its Baekhyuns too. 

i think i’m going to sleep on this, then while i’m at work tomorrow i can think of an action plan. 

i can’t use my brain when it’s tired. 

night night diary,

oh sehun.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so, SEHUN REALLY KNOWS!!!
> 
> i was siting in the bus today and i came up with a really good subplot line and i’m so so so soooo excited to bring everyone pain hHHAHAH!! it’s an sad subplot line, that’s what i’m trying to say. 
> 
> everyone jump on the angst train!!


	165. 12th June 2018

dear diary,

big old sigh.

i got my mock result back and i got a C and i’m not really happy with it. Kyungsoo got an A and i was like UGHHHHHHHHH but i know we are only a third of the way through the course so surely i should move up to an A*, and kyungsoo has a year of writing english essays against me, so i’m trying not to compare myself. the only thing i can do is improve!!

i worked for the first time in forever today and i saw minho for the first time in aGES!!!! he used to have kind of longish hair (like an undercut) but now it’s short!! i was like “YOU LOOK 30 YEARS OLD”, and now i call him gramps.

i updated him on all my life and he said that the only thing he wasn’t ‘shook’ at was (in his words’ “that baekhyun is completely head over heels” for me. AND IT GOT MORE EMBARRASSING BECAUSE HE SAID “but he’s not the only one.”

there’s a vine where it’s like “WAWAWA LIPSTICK IN MY VALENTINO BAG”... that was me except i was like “WAWAWA BAEK- AND WHO ELSE?”

minho said it wasn’t me and i need to look closer, and i’ve been thinking about it since then. all the friends he has seen at work are;

jongin  
baekhyun (duh)  
kyungsoo  
chanyeol EW  
taemin  
jungwoo  
lucas   
tao

maybe he thinks jongin and i are closer because we are roommates (oh my god they were roommates) and that makes us closer but, i’m sure jongin doesn’t like me in THAT way. 

yeah we’ve kissed but, i’m sure that he didn’t feel like... i don’t know, like THAT. 

 

i’m writing quite late tonight because jongin and i have been watching too many vines and now my heads just like filled with them. 

my mystery of finding who this new guy will continue tomorrow. 

bye bye for now,

oh sehun


	166. 13th June 2018

DEAR DIARY!!!

I HAD AN AMAZING DAY!! DID YOU??? OF COURSE NOT, YOURE JUST A BOOK!! but i’ll tell you about my day.

so,,,, I GOT AN A IN PHILOSOPHY !!!! WOOOP WOOP !!! baring in mind i’ve got another 2 years in this course, I THINK I COULD GET AN A*!!!!

i danced with happiness and it was the best news, BUT MY DAY GOT EVEN BETTER!!

jongin and i were meant to be doing course work but.... because my english course work is studying poems and his is science (bleh)... we ended up reading really cringey love poems to each other.

we kept reciting it and shouting it with actions and my stomach still hurts from laughing so hard. 

i read this poem (yes i cut it out and glued it in, SUE ME)

Shall I compare thee to a summer's day?   
Thou art more lovely and more temperate:  
Rough winds do shake the darling buds of May,  
And summer's lease hath all too short a date:   
Sometime too hot the eye of heaven shines,  
And often is his gold complexion dimm'd;   
And every fair from fair sometime declines,  
By chance, or nature's changing course, untrimm'd;  
But thy eternal summer shall not fade  
Nor lose possession of that fair thou ow'st;  
Nor shall Death brag thou wander'st in his shade,  
When in eternal lines to time thou grow'st;   
So long as men can breathe or eyes can see,  
So long lives this, and this gives life to thee.

it’s sonnet 18 by shakespeare and he’s so pretentious in it because he’s comparing his lover to loads of bad things and then at the end he’s like BUT ITS OKAY, BECAUSE THE ONLY THING THAT WILL MAKE YOU PRETTY IS MY WRITING BECAUSE IM SO GOOD AT IT. 

 

well not literally that but, he’s so full of himself.

so anyways, jongin and i were laying there (barbecue sauce on my titties (I WILL NEVER STOP)) just laughing so hard because after i explained it to him he thought it was really funny. then i accidentally leant foreword to reach the poetry book and then my forehead hit his lightly (like a boop) and we just laid there for a moment and it was quiet and i was like... is he gonna kiss me??? 

it was confusing because it’s like something you would see from a movie and for some reason i held my breath but he moved away and stood up and read another poem. and i must of ruined the mood because he read ‘valentine’ by carol ann duffy and it’s talks about how her love isn’t traditional so instead of giving a red rose to her girlfriend, she gives her an onion.

and i think i ruined the mood is because he read it seriously, so i was like BOOOO YOUR NO FUN!! technically i booed him off stage. 

after that we just chilled for a little longer because i had to go to my revision session with yixing and junmyeon and they were really happy about my mark!!!

junmyeon insisted we had a celebration so they ordered in food and we got PIZZA!!!! i said that i should call them my school parents because they’re always looking after me, but then kyungsoo would get jealous. anyways, we had a good time and i’m glad my hard work has payed off wooOoOoO!!!! 

once i left i took a slice of pizza for jongin but when i got home he was already asleep (so i ate it, sorry jongin)

i’m super tired but a happy tired???

today was great and i hope more great days come. 

oh sehun.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> HAPPY HUNNIE IS THE BEST HUNNIE, AM I RIGHT?


	167. 14th June 2018

dear diary,

i think my mum would sue me if she found out how much pizza i’ve been eating recently...

i had lots of fun with taemin today!!! we danced for the majority of the day and jongin came later and we had a competition to see who could personify objects through dance. WHICH I LOST? turns out dancing like a spook is harder than expected.

i got home and i laid down in bed, and i was balancing my water bottle on my head i was like.... fuck, baekhyun likes me. not a bad ‘fuck’, more a confused one. i don’t know what to do with this information because i have no  
hecking idea how i feel. 

i didn’t really know what to do so i left my room and i went to the courtyard in school at my thinking bench because i needed to really think and get my life together. 

AND, because i was thinking of the devil, he appeared. 

it’s weird because even though it’s been forever since i’ve seen him, i can tell when i’m near baekhyun???

ILL EXPLAIN

from behind me someone put their hands over my eyes, and i don’t know how but i just knew it was baekhyun. maybe i just know his hands but, i knew it was him and i didn’t know what to do (what a surprise) so when he said “guess who?”, i just didn’t reply. 

yes i’m an idiot, i know this. 

baekhyun sat down on the bench and he said something like “it’s been a while sehunnie” and i couldn’t help but be straight to the point??? so i asked “when did you sleep with chanyeol?”.

baekhyun seemed like he already knew i was gonna ask that, and didn’t seem phased at all. he asked if i remembered when i first started dating joohyun and he was angry. that was then he slept with him. and he said he didn’t know why and it didn’t feel good, so he only slept with him once. 

i could tell he was being honest because even though i don’t know him too well, he fiddles with things in his hand when he’s nervous so i told him it’s okay and that i’m not mad at him, more chanyeol. 

he asked if i opened the letter and i nodded and he said “i hope you forgive me, and if you do, i won’t be holding back anymore, i will show you the real me”, and it seems stupid i remember it but baring in mind this was mine and baekhyuns first conversation in some time i remember everything. 

as baekhyun is dramatic he said that and walked away, and i’m still like WHAT???

i’m excited to get to know baekhyun, but what does this mean for our relationship??? what happens if it doesn’t work and i lose him? 

i don’t want to lose him, i haven’t even got him back yet. 

i wanted someone to help me with my head so i went back upstairs and i told jongin what he said because jongin is up to date (minus the letters but i won’t ever tell him about them because their personal to baek and i), and he just stood up and said “i’ll be right back” and walked out???

he seemed pissy so maybe he doesn’t like the fact baekhyun and i are going to be friends again, which doesn’t make friends because those two are still friends so...

i’ve been writing since he’s left and he hasn’t come back.

i’m that meme where it’s like “when will my husband return from war”, except jongin isn’t my husband and there’s no war.

or maybe there is and that’s why he’s been gone for so long. UGH.

i would go find him but i think i’m gonna hide instead and scare him when he comes back.

BYE FOR NOW DIARY!!!

oh sehun

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> maybe there is a war... A WAR OF LOVE... 
> 
>  
> 
> yes, i hate myself too and yes, i won’t say anything gross like that again


	168. 15th June 2018

dear diary,

i got results again and oof i don’t know if i’m happy or sad. 

i got a B in english which i’m really happy about, but i got a C in my ethics exam so i’m just a bit worried about that. 

i’m thinking about getting junmyeon to help me with ethics, although i’m not actually sure he took it. hopefully he knows a third or second year who can help!!

today was a bit eventful with baekhyun, but i’m not really surprised anymore. things are tense between me and baek because there’s a lot of things we haven’t sorted out yet. 

i had work with baekhyun and he didn’t try to be nice with me and he kept talking about how i need to keep him under control, and at first i didn’t understand so i just kept quiet and took his anger because i didn’t understand.

when we went on our first break baekhyun said that my puppy asked him questions and was irritating him and then it clicked he was talking about jongin because he said “just because you live together doesn’t mean you have to tell him everything”, and i said to leave jongin alone. 

our second break was more eventful because we were walking down the hallway to the outside area where we always eat and he like shoved me against the wall and asked “what does jongin have that i don’t?” and i didn’t understand at all so i just said “what are you on about?” and then baekhyun just let go and walked back into the shop. 

i was really pissed off at first because jongin isn’t me, so baekhyun didn’t need to shove me. plus, he had no right to be angry at jongin about me telling stuff to him about baekhyun and i, because i needed help about the situation and jongin helped. 

when we were walking home he was quiet for once until we reached the lights before our dorm building and he said sorry for shoving me, he said he didn’t understand why jongin was asking him lots of questions that baekhyun didn’t really know how to answer. 

i think that was the first time baekhyun ever was vulnerable around me? he didn’t seem like he was holding a guard up because he was troubled and he told me what was wrong. and he’s never done that before.

it felt like i actually knew another layer of baekhyun which shows he is trying to let me get to know him, so i accepted his apology because he’s trying.

i asked baekhyun what he wants me to do and baekhyun said that i should leave jongin to be because he will tell me in my own time... and i wanted to ask what he meant but jongin was out on a run??? and he ran past us and he realised we were there and came back so i couldn’t ask. 

we all walked upstairs and it was awkward at first because both of them were trying to talk to me, and not each other. i didn’t really know what to do because it put me in an uncomfortable situation where i had to chose which one to talk to, so i didn’t do either and said goodnight to both of them because i was gonna go see kyungsoo. 

i ran away, LITERALLY. and kyungsoo wasn’t really happy about me coming to his room randomly late at night, but once i explained he was okay with it and he said i could stay as long as i wanted to. i stayed for a bit but not for too long, because i wanted to talk to jongin. 

so i headed back to my room and jongin was on his bed and he held his arms open and because i’m a sucker for jongin cuddles i went and cuddled him. i don’t know what it is but being in someone’s arms just calms me and makes all my problems pause for a bit, and when i cuddle with jongin it makes me feel extra safe. 

i almost fell asleep but i remembered i needed to ask him a question. i asked him if there’s anything he needed to tell me and he said no, and that i shouldn’t worry and should try to sleep. 

it was annoying at first but he started playing with my hair it was so calming i just... fell asleep ???

it’s currently 3am because i woke up as i was too hot (london weather is crazy right now) and i’m on my own bed, but my head is feeling a little crazy so that’s why i’m writing. 

i’m gonna sleep now though, i’ve got a busy day tomorrow!!

oh sehun.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> a lil bit of every ship again hehe


	169. 16th June 2018

dear diary,

so today,,, it’s officially my first saturday off forever!!! YES!!!! 

my boss says i don’t need to work as many hours so i’ll have more time with my friends and i’ll have saturday free???? i’m excited.

today we had a ‘woah-he-got-saturday-off’ party, as taemin said it, and kyungsoo and taemin came over to watch deadpool. (more like i forced them to watch it because they’ve never seen it before?? fake friends.)

about half way through the movie jongin came home from working out because his physical test is coming up soon, and he was all sweaty so he went to the shower and taemin was like “idk how you could live like this?”, and i didn’t understand so i asked like what and he said “with that monster around?” and i must be losing brain cells because i thought he was insulting jongin at first so i was like “there’s nothing wrong with jongin you meanie” and then taemin hit my head and was like NO I MEANT HIS BODY. 

kyungsoo and i were :o and taemin went to say something but jongin came out of the bathroom with a towel (MY TOWEL :/) round his waist and i couldn’t help but stare??? i was lucky because i wasn’t on my own as kyungsoo and taemin we’re both staring, so at first i didn’t feel weird. 

BUT THEN! jongin was like... “sorry my hairs a mess, is something wrong?” and i was literally gobsmacked because not only was i sleeping on how jongin has an AMAZING FIGURE/FACE/EVERYTHING (literally), but jongin was too??? 

taemin the cocky little shit said “nothing, were just observing the view” and then it was my turn to hit taemin and i told jongin we WEREN’T looking at him because it was embarrassinG FOR BOTH SIDES!! 

kyungsoo just scoffed at everyone and hit taemin and told him to take a picture because it would last longer, then jongin got even more embarrassed so he went back into the toilet and put his pyjamas on and he was back to my cuddly nini. 

but, surely i shouldn’t ignore the fact that i was literally... mouthwatering over a guy, AND JONGIN TOO??? i think it was the first time i was looking at jongin and felt... that way??? like i felt all flustered and like a kid and god i’m so embarrassed but besides jungwoo, jongin was my first ‘bi’ moment that i consciously knew of after coming out. woah that made no sense. 

I JUST MEAN. 

it’s the first time i’m willing to accept that i was just eyeing up my best friend, BY ACCIDENT OF COURSE. i can’t help that i’m living with someone who’s built like a god, and does everything else like a god too. 

sometimes i just have to accept that. 

and i’m okay with accepting jongin is a beautiful creature. 

woah character development from my behalf because me from february wouldn’t believe the stuff i’m writing, or pretend not to agree. 

jongin has always been attractive but now he’s attractive and i’m aware of it. 

god i shouldn’t be writing like this will nini is slepeing across from me like an angel. HE CANT BE HOT!!! NINI IS TOO CUTE. 

god i’m a mess, i think kyungsoo needs to hit me again. 

oh sehun.


	170. 17th June 2018

dear diary,

it’s official; i’m a really big mess. 

this morning started out with me waking up and really wanted to hang out with baekhyun, and it made me nervous because what would’ve happened if baekhyun said no??? and didn’t want to hang out?

i put on my lucky shirt and jeans and i got enough confidence to knock on baekhyuns door.

when i knocked i asked if baekhyun wanted to hang out and he was super happy and he said yes so he got changed out of his pyjamas. we decided to go to the shops because baekhyun wanted to buy a few things and i was just happy enough to spend time with baekhyun.

turns out baekhyun was buying hair dye?? AND I WAS LIKE WHAT??? WHEN DID YOU DECIDE THIS??? and all he said was “pink or blonde?”, and i just shouted DONT MAKE ME DECIDE so baekhyun bought both and said he would dye it pink during school holidays.

when we got home key helped me bleach baekhyuns hair and at first it was a really gross orangey yellow colour (baekhyun still looked good”, but key helped us tone the hair and now baekhyun looks like a whole model???

i was sitting there like :O because suddenly i’ve realised both of my best friends are super hot and make me question my existence, and now i stand by the statement that if baekhyun and jongin were morphed into one, they would be the hottest man in the world. 

baekhyun said i should dye my hair and because i’m a GOOD CHILD OF GOD i told him i couldn’t until i asked my mum first, and baekhyun told me i was cute because of that and i was just like .....mums opinion comes first. 

so baekhyun is now blonde, kyungsoos hair is growing back super fast, jongin now wants to dye his hair grey and i can’t keep up.

HELP ME MR DIARY!!

oh sehun

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i’m reallly sorry for the lack of updates, i now have a story line so i should be catching up soon!!


	171. 18th June 2018

dear diary,

who knew pancakes were such a safety hazard?

today kyungsoo and i spent the day together as our lessons were with each other and because we enjoy each other’s company duH!! 

after all of our lessons we went to the first year kitchen and kyungsoo was trying to teach me how to cook things and we made starters, main and desserts, or almost desserts...

the starters was some sort of potato thing where we scooped out all the potato of the skin and then mixed it with cheese and cut up chicken and put it back inside the skin and it was REALLY good. 

then main was home made burger and chips, which we made from mince meat (which feels weird) and chips which we cut up and cooked!!

this is where i almost killed kyungsoo and i,,

kyungsoo asked what i wanted to make for dessert and i asked for pancakes and he said they’re so simple i could do it on my own (big mistake), so i did. 

AND SOMEHOW. 

i set the pan on fire and while i was panicking (or pancaking hehe) kyungsoo just shook his head at me and put the fire out and told me to sit down :( he made the pancakes, which ended up being really good and not on fire.

at least i tried, right?

i texted our group chat which consists of jungwoo, lucas, taemin, kyungsoo, jongin and i a picture of me eating pancakes and suddenly all of them were in the kitchen expecting pancakes from kyungsoo. which they got. 

kyungsoo is so lovely??? i love him. 

people think he’s cold and mean but i really just don’t see it??? someone will need to show to me how he’s mean :(

ANYWAYS

we all got stuffed on pancakes and headed back to my room to play uno and i won twice wooo!!!

today was great so party!!

oh sehun


	172. 19th June 2018

dear diary,

i called my mum about dyeing my hair and she said yes!!! she thinks it would look cool if i went bright orange but i was thinking more of a peachy colour?? like a peachy pinky orangey colour. i don’t know if it will be any easy dyeing my hair but i’m sure baekhyun will know what he’s doing, and nini him could help too!

she asked how all my friends were and was talking about her and kyungsoos exchanging of recipes... my two mums are talking behind my back. wait... is junmyeon my mum too? or yixing? maybe they can be my dads. god this is confusing. 

i told her about baekhyuns hair and she’s glad we are friends again because “he’s just an excitable puppy and needs a less excitable puppy to look after him”, am i puppy like??? oh god. 

i had work today with minho and because it was quiet we were really bored.. and spent the whole time quoting vines and recreating them. we tried to the one where the boy tucks his ears in front of his hoodie and whips but we wrapped our aprons round our head and did it and our boss walked in and called us strange creatures. 

we had three customers, including the old woman who comes in every night called christina. she always gets the same thing??? it’s cute when i’m older and aren’t working i want to have a usual restaurant i come to. 

when i got home jongin was zonked out with his revision on his face so me being the nice friend i am, picked up all the sheets so he didn’t roll on them, and put them on his desk. 

i super tired today but i feel like i didn’t do much?? maybe it’s because it’s super hot and it drains me more. 

england needs to decide its weather!!!

oh sehun


	173. 20th June 2018

DEAR DIARY,

IM WRITING EARLY TODAY BUT OH MY GOD MY EYEBALLS!!!

i went to go revision but i was like... twenty minutes early which NORMALLY isn’t a problem... but when i walked in JUNMYEON WAS SITTING ON YIXINGS LAP AND HE QUICKLY STOOD UP AND THEY BOTH LOOKED A LIL... HEATED CUS THEIR CHEEKS WERE READ AND YIXINGS HAIR WAS MESSY AND GOD MY PARENTS ARE ACTUALLY DATING???

i asked if they were being dirty and junmyeon was like NO WERE NOT and yixing laughed at us and junmyeon hit him and said he wasn’t helping. 

i told my parents to control themselves because the door was unlocked and anyone could’ve walked in and they laughed but they looked relieved it was only me. 

who would’ve known they were dating ?? i thought they were just really good friends but plot twist, they are dating. 

i asked how long they were dating from and they said since yixing joined and then my heart broke because junmyeon is leaving school this year :( and i didn’t want to mention it because they probably already know but i told them they were cute!!

maybe he will stay locally for yixing, or maybe a long distance relationship might work. 

i don’t know, but i’m going to be team... #yixmyeon?? #junxing? team parents all the way!!

jungwoo is calling me to probably play mario kart on their new wii u so i’m gonna go!!!

bye bye!

oh sehun


	174. 21st June 2018

dear diary,

why is work so quiet recently??

maybe because i worm the same hours the football is on and no one wants to be eating in a restaurant when they can be watching football... #Its coming home. 

well sucks to be them, because we have a tv in the main seating area so all me and baekhyun did was sit down and watch the football.

i mean... neither of us are really interested in football but it’s fun to shout and scream at work and because my boss LOVES football he does it too. 

baekhyun and i were sitting down and because i’m still in love with baekhyuns hair??? i kept playing with it and my boss told me to stop playing with his hair because it’s not sanitary and everyone laughed at me and i was like ITS NOT FUNNY

we closed early so we waited for baekhyuns friends to turn up, and it was minseok and jongdae!!! it was my first time actually talking to them and i’ve come to the conclusion they are like a group of kittens and they’re all so cute???

we all walked back to school but when we got there they said goodbye and headed somewhere else?? i kind of wish i could’ve gone but i’m glad i didn’t because when i got home i found a note on my bed which i’ll glue in underneath. 

 

Hey Sehunnie,

I’m at Jungwoo and Taemin’s playing a Mario Kart tournament, come when you’re home!

From your Nini!

 

 

so i’m going to dash there right now!!

(after i get into my pjs)

oh sehun


	175. 22nd June 2018

dear diary,

today i was meant to do homework... but ended up having a movie day with my husband (as my mum calls him but i prefer to call him jongin), and it was fun! it was originally meant to be ksoo, jonginnie and i but kyungsoo said he didn’t want to come so it just left jongin and i. 

i was about to say, or write i suppose, don’t laugh at me, but you’re just a book and even if what we did was embarrassing or silly, it wouldn’t matter if i said because books don’t have emotions. 

we spent the day watching all the twilight movies... which we watched ironically of course but i ended up crying twice and jongin three times and we were there for each other so we didn’t suffer alone... team jacob forever right??

jongin is team edward (that’s why i didn’t cuddle him the whole of new moon because he kept saying team edward when all the real people know in the world that jacob is the best man.)

speaking of cuddles, i think i need to finally come clean. i think i’m obsessed with cuddling people. like,, it brings me so much joy to be pressed up against someone, and to be in someone’s arms and feel their heart beat. it sounds stupid but being held or holding someone just calms me. 

i was thinking about this a lot because at the end of the last movie jongin fell asleep while cuddling into my side. and it also made me realise i have like... cuddling patterns for different people??

when jongin and i are cuddling and i’m the big spoon, jongin cuddles into my arm like it’s a teddy bear and it’s super cute, but when i’m the small spoon i’m normally being suffocated in jongins chest and jongins arms are long enough to wrap around me fully (so he does.) i think he likes to cuddle things in he way he does because he likes to cuddle his teddy bear, and when his teddy bear isn’t there and i am, i become the teddy bear.

when i cuddle with baekhyun it’s different though, baekhyun is a little shit, and fidgets in his sleep, it’s okay though because we’re both quite warm people, so moving round in his sleep means we both get to cool off for a moment. 

when i’m the small spoon i lay my head on baekhyun’s chest and he lets me just cuddle him however i want because he knows he will probably move in his sleep. when i’m the big spoon though, baekhyun never moves?? we will fall asleep with baekhyun laying between my legs and his chest against mine and wake up like that. we both get confused on how it works but i won’t argue nice cuddles. 

i’ve moved away from jongin to write this for a bit and i’ve come to the conclusion that the best cuddles are the type when i’m sandwiched between baekhyun AND jongin. 

it doesn’t happen too often so those times i’m the happiest, it makes me feel super lucky that i get the opportunity to be cuddled by the two most important people to me.

jongin is stirring so i’m going to cuddle the traitor who supports team edward (yuck). 

bye for now diary,

oh sehun.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i’m sorry for the infrequent updates. 
> 
> i have been mourning the death of a family friend who unfortunately committed suicide recently, so i’ve mentally not been feeling the best. 
> 
> writing has always been something i’ve found calming and therapeutic, and i hope i can continue to write to the standards that you guys like. 
> 
> please understand the i frequency of the updates, and keep supporting the things i have to offer. thank you x


	176. 23rd June 2018

dear diary,

i did some spontaneous things today... and now i have peach hair. meaning, I DYED MY HAIR!!!!

story time with your favourite boy, oh sehun!

baekhyun jumped on nini and i cuddling this morning and said that my hair needs a make over,, and jongin said if it’s an excuse for the trio to hang out again he’s in. 

SO... baekhyun dragged us out of bed and he said since he’s in charge of making me ‘glo’, he got my clothes out today and he dressed me in my distressed light blue jeans, and a black shirt. and he made me wear my checkered vans which i like so i didn’t complain. jongin liked the outfit and baekhyun said he’s great at making people look good so that’s why. 

we headed to the shops and then we all started arguing because jongin wanted me to go platinum blonde, whereas baekhyun wanted me to go dark blue. i thought both would look great but i’ve wanted peachy hair and the BOYS WILL JUST HAVE TO LEARN THAT I HAVE THE FINAL SAY... tch especially when it’s my own hair. 

even when i was at the till baekhyun was whispering, “don’t do it sehun, you’ll ruin my image”, AS IF I WAS DYEING HIS HAIR. 

when we got home we stared dyeing my hair and first we had to bleach it and tone it, and jongin was like STOP HERE YOU LOOK GREAT!! but ITS MY HAIR SO I PUT THE PEACH IN and baekhyun gasped and said my scalp won’t like me later. 

once we washed the peach out (which was me hanging over the bathroom sink and jongin washing it out, and baekhyun documenting it on his phone while pretending to cry saying that his “baby is all grown up”) and i told them to leave the bathroom so i could dry and style it and surprise him. 

i normally just have my hair down (currently i have an undercut and my hair is kinda like a bowl cut), but i decided to style it differently (i followed my parting and made it look a little wavy like i was at the beach or something) 

then when i walked out... it was like i was famous?

baekhyun was holding his phone and screaming at me and i didn’t know if it was positive or negative, and i asked if they liked it and they both ran towards me and started hugging me like crazy and they kept taking pictures of me AND HHHH IT WAS WEIRD BUT I REALLY LIKE MY HAIR AND THEY MADE ME FEEL CONFIDENT!!!

my favourite picture is the one where jongin and baekhyun are both kissing my cheeks and it’s super cute!!! baekhyun was winking and jongin decided to do it too, and i pouted because i thought i’d look cute. IN TOTAL= the picture was very cute and it’s now my background and i love my best friends. 

we’ve been hanging around all day and we didn’t do much, but summer is soon so i’m hella excited, i’m hoping i get to spend more time with my friends and family. 

oh sehun.


	177. 24th June 2018

dear diary,

today was once again, very cute!!!

baekhyun ended up staying over because we all had too much fun and got tired, so baekhyun slept on the floor with me and jongin and AHHHH SANDWICH CUDDLES!!!!

i woke up first because there was something pulling on my sock and when i opened my eyes jungwoo and taeminnie were standing at the end of the floor giggling and it was confusing because they looked like a bunch of little kids, especially when jungwoo said “come play”. I FELT LIKE I WAS FOUR YEARS OLD AGAIN AND MY FRIEND WAS KNOCKING AT MY DOOR TO COME PLAY!!

so i went to play... and i was still in my pyjamas kyungsoo had bought for me one time which are light blue with little duckies all over them and everyone says they are childish but i like them the most because kyungsoo calls me little duckie when he’s in a really good mood.

we went to taemin and jungwoo’s room and we played on their wii u, and we had a super hard mario kart tournament and i came first WOOO!!! taemin is a sore loser because he made us play another tournament and came last AGAIN!

OH I FORGOT TO WRITE THIS HEHE!!! jungwoo and taemin really liked my hair and they said it made me look like a prince and i would be lying if i said i didn’t like being compared to royalty.

about an hour or so later a very tired baekhyun and jongin literally stumbled into the room and ‘demanded’ that i be returned as i was ‘kidnapped’... then everyone started fighting (jokingly of course) and i tried to run away but jongin LITERALLY rugby tackled me into the hallway and i tried to get out of his grip and it was really fun. some guys walked passed though and said looked at us really weirdly so we stopped because after all.. all of us were in our pyjamas and baekhyun was only in one of mine, or jongins?, hoodies and his boxers. 

we went back into the room and carried on our tournament except we did teams, so when lucas arrived it was:

lucas and jungwoo  
taemin and jongin  
baekhyun and the best person in the world, ME!

i kept trying to concentrate on the game by i kept thinking about the guys who saw us fighting, and i’m sure i heard them mumble something. i wish i was listening more, and i tried too hard not to think about it because it was probably nothing. 

baekhyun and i ended up winning, because not only am i the best mario kart player in the whole school, but baekhyun is the SECOND best in the school, making our team unstoppable! jongin and taemin lost, but jongin cheered taemin up by saying they could play together and jongin would let him win. 

jungwoo and lucas didn’t particularly mind that they came second, they were too busy just enjoying each other’s company and it was very cute to watch. lucas doesn’t seem like the type to be soft and gentle round someone, especially when he’s so erratic and loud, but when he’s with jungwoo he treats him like an angel (because he is one) and it’s adorable to to watch!!

i hope i can find someone who i am happy with like that, sometimes i get the feeling i could be like that with someone, i know it’s not unrealistic, but i find it a little hard to imagine. maybe it’s because i’ve never had a relationship with a boy, but maybe the one for me is a girl. i don’t particularly mind whether they are a boy or a girl, as long as they love me as much as i love them. 

oh sehun.


	178. 25th June 2018

dear diary,

i spoke to someone odd today.. and i’m sure it was one of the boys from yesterday? i’m trying to put faces to faces but i’m struggling. 

i was in lesson and some guy i’ve never spoken to came at sat on my desk and asked me if i’m gay and i said no, and that i’m bi, and the boy looked really confused so i said it’s when you like boys and girls. 

the guy like... turned his nose up to me and said ‘oh i see’, as if it was something gross and i didn’t really see why he had to go out of his way to ask me ;-; 

he said that i shouldn’t look at him when he’s getting changed and i said that there would never be a moment where i would need to see him getting changed, and that i wouldn’t be attracted to him anyway because he’s rude and mean. 

i think he got the hint to go away and sat down at the back of the class, and i’ve never seen him before? minus yesterday and today and maybe he’s recently joined school? i’m not particularly sure. 

when i got home to the dorm rooms i jumped on nini’s bed and told him what happened and he told me to ignore him because “a straight boy is fragile it’s scary”, and it made me laugh a little sadly, because i used to act like that, right?

i used to push away anything to do with being gay or bi or lgbt, maybe he is just a straight boy taking his anger out on me, but i don’t know. i don’t think it is. he looked confused and grossed out, not just grossed out. that sounds bad. 

I JUST DONT KNOW DIARY!!! i will stay away from him though, since nini knows best. 

oh sehun.


	179. 26th June 2018

dear diary,

so staying away from the guy didn’t really work out...

the same boy from yesterday decided to sit next to me, and i found out his name is chittaphon, but when his friends called him to leave the classroom for lunch they called him ten. he’s from thailand, and i’m sure he’s new to the school, since his folder is basically empty and he seems a little lost.

today the whole lesson he spent his time asking me too many questions... mostly about my sexuality and i did find it uncomfortable, especially after the comment he said yesterday. and he said something today which really irked me but i couldn’t really do anything about it because i was in class. 

when the teacher when out to photocopy some sheets, he asked me if i would kiss him and i said no because i didn’t like him, and he said ‘i thought all gays were sluts’ and started laughing after. 

LIKE???

WHAT???

honestly it really angered me, and chittaphon is lucky that his ass wasn’t sitting next to baekhyun. baekhyun wouldn’t of just awkwardly laughed like i did :( but i didn’t really know what to do i guess. i’m not particularly sure if it was meant to be a joke or not so i was just confused, so i tried to ignore the embarrassing feeling i felt in my stomach. 

when i went to work minho wouldn’t stop talking about my hair and he said he loved it more than he will ever love himself, and then took it back because “nothing is better than the choi minho”. 

so far everyone has loved my hair, i called my mum and dad and they both loved it, i just have to show it to seyoung!!!

god i’m so tired i feel like i want to write more but my hands aren’t working,,, save me mr book, or mrs? i don’t know 

 

nighty nighty 

oh sehun


	180. 27th June 2018

dear diary,

today i had revision with junmyeon and it’s making me sad because the more lessons i have with them, the closer it gets to the summer holidays, meaning junmyeon will leave!! 

oh god, i don’t think i’m mentally ready to lose my favourite person in the world. i’ll still have yixing who i look up to a lot, but since the beginning i’ve always seem junmyeon as an older brother, and i’ve been lucky enough to be able to become close with him. 

i’m hoping our group chat which consists of junmyeon, yixing and i, will stay together, even after our revision lessons are over. they make me feel happy and i see them more as friends than tutors now. 

i had revision today with junmyeon but we were in yixings room because yixing was out dancing with his friends. it used to be weird to be in yixings room without him but now it’s quite normal, being just junmyeon and i!

i wanted to know more about what it’s like to be in a relationship with a boy, since i don’t really know much. so i asked and he said is likes any other couple, because they love each other as couple should, and they care for each other as couples should. 

he talks about yixing in a light which i’ve never seen him in before. i’ve always seen him as quite a ‘stoner’ type of person, and very chilled and accepting, yet when junmyeon talks about him, he sounds like an excitable little kid which loves junmyeon with all his heart. 

it’s really clear to me that junmyeon loves our yixing, i hope everything works out for them when they leave because if it’s worrying me this much, i can’t imagine what it’s like for them. 

and then next year... i’m going to lose some of my friendships yixing will go ;-; xuimin will leave this year and jongdae the next. i don’t even want to think about baekhyun leaving. my heart stops just thinking of it now. i know he won’t stay locally to the school, so i won’t see him for a whole year. god i’m stressed and it’s still a while away.

chanyeol will be leaving too, but i wonder if he’s actually leaving anything behind. sometimes i see him round school and he just seems lonely, i want to reach out and hug him hard but, he doesn’t deserve my love. maybe someone else’s, but not mine.

i hope one day i love someone as much as yixing loves junmyeon, but i can wait patiently !! ^-^, love takes time hehe.

oh sehun.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i hope you guys are enjoying the content i’m giving, there will be lots of drama in the summer vacation and the summer term!! so please enjoy hehe


	181. 28th June 2018

dear diary,

i don’t even want to think about today, let alone write about what happened. i feel like i should write about it though, i don’t know why. 

i had a normal day, i went to my normal lessons and had my normal lunch with my normal friends. 

when i got home home, someone had written in thick black writing ‘faggot whore’ across my door, and i started crying because how in the fuck do you take it off? people must’ve already seen it and laughed at it, and not done anything about it. 

i was so nervous and upset that my hands were shaking, and i couldn’t even see the door because i was crying and i couldn’t find the key hole. 

when i got inside, all i could think of doing was putting one of jongins posters on the door outside, because i don’t have any paint. i don’t think anyone does except the art students. 

i locked the door because i was scared that someone was going to hurt me. it sounds stupid because it was only a childish comment, but it still scared me. 

jongin came home and asked why the door was locked and why the poster was outside, and i told him and he started shouting and getting really angry at it made me cry even more because i felt close to a panic attack as it was and jongin shouting was scaring me. 

i asked him to lock the door and just hold me because i was scared, and he said he wanted to fight the person who wrote it, but he doesn’t know who did it. i think i do but, i don’t even want to think someone who barely knows me could do that. 

jongin eventually calmed down and came to hug me, and we laid there and he held me as i cried. i felt really weak and stupid, and i didn’t want to be seen as that. 

there was a knock on the door and i got so scared and i didn’t know what to do, so jongin answered and it was baekhyun and he asked about the poster on the door and jongin tells him and baekhyun started saying we should’ve done something about it, and he started getting angry at jongin and saying “why didn’t you do anything about it?”, and jongin said he went to go but i stopped him and baekhyun just started shouting about teaching them a lesson and i couldn’t breath and my heart felt like it was spinning so i started crying. 

i asked them to stop shouting because i couldn’t breathe, and i said something about painting the door. i don’t really remember.

i just remember baekhyun locking the door and then both coming to the bed and hugging me. 

it’s weird because being cuddled by my best friends normally helps everything, but i still have a sore feeling in my heart.

i know i can’t go back into a ‘heterosexual shell’, i just can’t. even if i’m scared it’s just not me. i refuse to be a coward and have people pick on people like me because of who i am. 

baekhyun walked me to work and jongin joined too but i didn’t talk to them. i didn’t know what to say.

sorry for ruining the door?  
sorry for causing so much trouble?  
sorry i’m such a mess?  
sorry i have to keep making you look after me?

i need to become more independent and fighting my own battles, i don’t want jongin and baekhyun thinking i have no spine and need them to constantly protect me. 

i’m a man, and i know it’s stereotypical for a man to be strong and go fight people. but i’m going to approach this in my own way, i won’t fight, but i’ll be strong and be here for myself. i owe myself that much. 

oh sehun.


	182. 29th June 2018

dear diary,

i tried to be strong today, so i hope you’re proud of me, mr diary. 

baekhyun didn’t leave till today, and told jongin not to leave me alone, which kind of irritated me because even though i love being babied by my best friends, i can survive on my own. i think they think i cant do things on my own.

i told him i wanted to see kyungsoo because he always helps me, but instead i went to find chittaphon because i thought he might’ve had something to do with yesterday. i didn’t want to lie to jongin but he was clinging to me, i needed to be an adult and sort out my own problems.

i searched for a while and i found him in the staircase, which inevitably left me cornering him. i told him to say it to my face, and i don’t know what took over me because i never confront anyone like this, i always run away. 

chittaphon said nothing and i ended up saying something like “i know you wrote that on my fucking door, so don’t treat me like that again, i don’t know you and you don’t know me, so don’t make assumptions.” i know i was angry, and i shouldn’t of sworn but, i knew my point got across. 

he put his head down and i felt really bad but i knew i had to keep my ground and let him know treating people like this. 

it got weird here because i said something about how homophobic people can’t act they way they do, they can’t just bully someone because they’re gay... and then he leant forward and kissed me?? 

his hand was holding the back of my head and i didn’t even know what to do so i just pushed him away, but before i did that he bit my lip really hard and it hurts even now. i started to walk away because it just completely threw me off. as i was walking away, he started shouting stuff about not telling people and keeping it between us and it made me so fucking angry, so i put my middle finger up and continued walking.

i got back to my room and now i’m writing this...

does this mean his gay? 

or was he just trying to use me... i’ve heard of that lots.

i don’t think he’s that evil. 

maybe just confused. i was confused, but i didn’t act the same as him. 

god, fuck, i can’t let jongin and baekhyun know. the fact that the person who vandalised our door yesterday kissed me today would not go well with my two very protective best friends. 

i feel bad for not telling them but it’s better, right??

jongin asked about why my lip is kind of swollen and i said i bit my lip out of nerves today and he seemed to accept it. i think it’s believable.

i will keep chittaphon’s secret for now, but i will still wait for an apology. 

oh sehun.


	183. 30th June 2018

dear diary,

today i told kyungsoo about yesterday and i didn’t even know where to start because i had to talk about the lessons, and the vandalism, and the ugh... the kiss. 

kyungsoo said sometimes when people are questioning their secularity are too scared to admit they are because of internalised homophobia, and maybe that’s what is happening with chittaphon. 

i know i had the same problem, except i didn’t deliberately go out of my way to hurt someone whereas he did. i feel bad for him because i have really kind friends who are there for me, but i haven’t seen him hanging round with many people, and the guys i have seen him hang round with are the boys who have picked on other boys the whole year round. 

kyungsoo said maybe seeing me being confidently comfortable with my sexuality pushed his buttons and he didn’t even realise it. that’s why he aimed his anger at me. 

god isn’t kyungsoo amazing??? i love him so much, he’s so smart and actually sorts out my head all the time and even with this, it sounds like he’s pointing out the obvious but he makes everything make sense.

i jokingly (but not jokingly) said that maybe chittaphon is X and kyungsoo just laughed at me and said he couldn’t be X because 1. he wasn’t even in the school when X happened, and 2. He knows who X is. 

he said he won’t tell me though because he wants X to come out himself to him. even though i tried to tickle it out of him, squish it out of him (meaning laying on him and BEGGING PLEASEEEE), and annoy it out of him. 

none of it worked. but kyungsoo know best. 

biggest sigh.

even though kyungsoo is keeping it from me, i know he knows best. i always feel like kyungsoo is the smartest person i know, to do with school and to do with life. he’s just amazing??? i have so much i want to learn from kyungsoo, including his intelligence, patience and everything else. 

i really hope one day kyungsoo finds the one who treats him well, i’m not even sure if he’s interested in relationships like that, because whenever i ask him he seems to brush over it all. maybe he is X!! i’m joking, seriously.

i hope he does find love, he deserves an anGEL TO MARRY HIM AND KEEP HIM SAFE AND ENJOY HIS COOKING AND GIVE HIM CUDDLES. 

his soulmate needs to be me, but not me. aka, give him cuddles, appreciate his cooking, have their mother’s approval, eat lunch with him, and love him with all their heart.

makes sense, right???

oh sehun.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> x is still a running topic, heheheh
> 
> do you think we will ever find out who x is???  
> if so, who do you think X is???
> 
> thank you for all the amazing comments, i do read all the comments, sometimes i just don’t reply because i’m so overwhelmed with comments. i will try my hardest to reply to all my comments!


	184. 1st July 2018

dear diary,

today i had a suuuuuper lazy day today and i found some super cute poems which made my heart melt because they’re so cute ;-;

baekhyun and jongin decided to ruin poem time though because they jumped on my bed and wouldn’t stop until i “came out to play”, which meant going to jungwoo and taemins dorm again to play mario kart. 

i was too lazy to get out of my pjs so i went there and accidentally fell asleep while waiting for my turn, but when i woke up i was cuddling jongins leg and baekhyun was literally laying on me like he always does. 

we all played against each other and i came second because i felt tired, jungwoo surprisingly won !!! we are proud of our baby. 

i’m still super tired now,

(its only 8pm so i’m gonna sleep hehe) 

oh sehun


	185. 2nd July 2018

dear diary,

i am SICK of being protected by baekhyun and jongin... i know it’s a nice gesture they are doing but, it’s only been a day back at school and it’s driving me crazy! they started walking me to my classes and it’s making me go MAD!! 

they wouldn’t let me go talk to kyungsoo because they found out that i didn’t go to him when i said that i was, and now they are bugging me about who i went to see and ugh, save me mr diary. 

because they were already both in the dorm room i told them to stop treating me like a princess and that i’m fine, and they told me to stop talking in ‘savagehun’ because they’re just trying to help. so i guess i’m not off the hook yet, because they didn’t say they would stop.

in lesson today chittaphon seemed sad and he sat alone and even though he’s only ever acted like an asshole towards me, i felt really bad for him. he looked miserable. i waiter outside for him after the lesson and he seemed surprised that i did, and i told him he could eat lunch with me because i wanted to cheer him up.

i asked him if he was okay and he just nodded and told me to stop calling him chittaphon, because he preferred ten, so because i’ve got about three brain cells i’ve got to remember his name is ten, and prefers his name to be ten. i asked him if he was homophobic and he just shook his head and i didn’t want to pry any further, so we just spoke lightly about things and it turns out we have a lot in common, which is weird? but nice. 

i really hope we become friends, it might take a long time but i don’t think he deserves to be sad. my mum says a lot that i am a people pleaser, and making other people makes me happy, so i guess that’s why i need to make ten happy? i don’t know.

when lunch ended, i gave ten my number so if he needed me, or needed to talk, he could contact me. 

god, if baekhyun and jongin even knew what was happening. i feel evil for not telling my best friends, but i need to help someone else first. 

oh sehun.


	186. 3rd July 2018

dear diary,

GOD IM SO HOMO,

but ugh. being homo is great. 

i was at work and today i work with minho (duh) and minho was talking about taemin because they know each other which i still think is amazing. i keep finding out weird things about their friendship and it’s funny because one time they were in the bath with each other when they were younger and taemin almost drowned because he was trying to prove to minho he was part fish. plot twist, he’s not part fish.

he also said taemin thinks jongin is hot and i was like “who doesn’t?”, and i was like WAIT??? DID I JUST SAY THAT OUTLOUD??? and minho kept attacking me about it because now he has soMETHING AGAINST ME. 

ugh, save me. 

i’m getting surrounded by very hot people everywhere and it’s annOYING BECAUSE IM A BEST A 5, and EVERYONE AROUND ME IS A FREAKING 11!!! 

ALSO... ITS ALMOST THE SUMMER HOLIDAYS AND IVE COLLECTED EVERYONES HOLIDAY DATES!!!

14JULY-3SEP = ten  
1AUG-3SEP = jungwoo and lucas  
10AUG-3SEP = taemin  
23JULY-3SEP = me and baekhyun!  
20JULY-3SEP = jongin  
14JULY-3SEP = yixing and junmyeon  
23JULY-3SEP = minseok/jongdae (i don’t really talk to them but in case baekhyun wanted to know!)  
25JULY-3SEP= tao 

kyungsoo’s not sure if he’s going home but he said he would tell me if he was!!

we also all come back on the third because thats when we move to our new dorm rooms!! can’t believe i have to say goodbye to my yellow box of happiness :( students can stay in the school grounds and can move into their new rooms, there’s no rules that say you can’t, we just can’t go into academic rooms, but humanity rooms like the dance studio, music/band areas and the library can be used!!

it’s ten more days and i’ll be free from school, and i have some of my summer in england and then some of my summer back home with my family!! i’m so freaking exCITED BECAUSE I SHOULD BE ABLE TO MEET EVERYONE WHILE IM HOME!!

i’m too excited, summer can’t come sooner!!!

oh sehun.


	187. 4th July 2018

dear diary,

UGHHHHH I WISH I DIDNT HAVE BODY GUARDS !!

ten texted me and asked if we could hang out at lunch time today, and i was with baekhyun an jongin, and i said he could come but he shouldn’t mention anything about the door or kissing me or... anything. he understood because i’ve been telling him about all their antics,,,, they’re tiring me out. 

he came over and we were still eating our lunch, but when he arrived they both moved to my side and they asked who he was and i introduced them and told them he’s a friend from my english class. 

ten seemed quieter than usual because baekhyun and jongin weren’t being friendly and the conversation would only be happening with me and someone else and it was a very awkward lunch time. 

there was only a little time left of lunch and i didn’t have any lessons left so i and got revision with yixing (the second last one :( ) and the last thing yixing said was “in concussion, do we even exist?” and we just laughed and then he told me we’re having a little celebration next revision lesson so we can say goodbye to each other, but i think it’s more to say goodbye to junmyeon 

i think i’m going to cry :(

he’s going to be great at university, and at life, and he’s going to be a great dad, A REAL DAD!!

not just my dad. 

sigh. 

i’ll go hug jongin to make myself feel better. 

oh sehun.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i’m almost a month behind,,, oh my


	188. 5th July 2018

dear diary,

so... baekhyun asked about ten a lot today at work. he first of all asked how we became friends and i said we met in english class... completely avoiding everything about being rude, and calling me names, and the door, and kissing me... i told him he looked sad so that’s why i tried talking to ten. 

baekhyun seemed to accept it and asked if he was a good person and a bunch of other questions and i’m just... really getting tired of having baekhyun and jongin on my back. i love they care so much about me!! but it’s getting a little much. 

kyungsoo came in to give us our dinner because he wanted to cook for us and baekhyun asked if he knew ten because he’s also in english class and i could tell kyungsoo was holding back from telling him why i actually know him. 

ugh, another drama. I KEEP WALKING INTO THEM APPARENTLY, I WOULD LIKE A RELAXING LIFE :(

oh sehun.


	189. 6th July 2018

dear diary,

WE GOT SPORTS DAY ANNOUNCEMENTS AND IM SO FREAKING EXCITED. 

we had a house assembly and junmyeon said he really really really wants to win because corbinian has a FOURTEEN YEAR WINNING STREAK, and he said he wants to get 15 years for he legend!!! 

we must win, LIKE, i won’t accept any other place. we must DO IT FOR MY FAVOURITE PERSON IN THE WORLD!!

each class from each year has to decide what we want to do, and one person from each form does a certain sport. at lunch i found out what everyone is doing for sports day and i made a list!!

in corbinian;   
me! - high jump   
jongin - 800m  
taemin - speed walking because he’s so clumsy that we didn’t trust him to do an actual sport without getting hurt  
jungwoo - hurdles because he’s a springy boi

in ailbhe;  
tao - 100m  
lucas - javelin   
ten - 800m

in ulphia;  
kyungsoo - javelin because he’s being forced to, but he will be great!! 

baekhyun is doing speed walking because 1. his lazy, 2. he just wants to wear his blue clothes, 3. “if i wear my tight shorts and do this my ass will look great” and 4. he’s actually such a fast walker i have to run to keep up with him. he said he had to fight kibum for speed walking but now kibum is doing hurdles (he said he’s going to walk.)

i texted yixing and junmyeon in the group chat to ask what they’re doing and yixing said he’s doing 800m, and i asked what junmyeon is doing but he said third years don’t do any sport but they do a big relay race against the teachers and from what junmyeon knows, the teams are;

ulphia: yifan, junhui, taeil, yuta   
tantony: luhan, seungcheol, jeonghan, jaehyun  
ailbhe: minseok, joshua, soonyoung, taeyong  
corbinian: Junmyeon, jinki, wonwoo, kun 

i’m really excited because gonna be great! it’s the last day of the year too so it’s going to be a great celebration for everybody!!

at lunch today kyungsoo asked what was happening with ten and i and i said we are friends, and kyungsoo said i should keep him at an arms length for what he did :( he said he doesn’t trust him. and it scared me because when your mum doesn’t like someone you like there must be something up :( 

but!! ill do as kyungsoo says, since he knows best. i’m gonna go to athletics practise now so i can do junmyeon proud!!

bye bye for now,

oh sehun!!


	190. 7th July 2018

dear diary,

ITS THE WEEKEND!!! the last weekend before summer holidays and i don’t know how to feel. 

i wanted to get all my teachers + yixing and junmyeon presents for helping me with my first year! i was thinking about getting chocolates for my teachers and a card, and then a little collection of things for yixing and junmyeon. 

i’m still gonna see yixing next year but junmyeon is leaving for good, so i want to get him something he can keep to remind him how great he is!! 

i asked jongin if i should get the teachers presents and he said i should and he was going to as well, and he said we should go out today and it would’ve been great!! if i didn’t already ask ten to come with me,,, i said if he wants to come with me and then he can! he seemed like he didn’t at first but he came anyways. 

we went out and i bought my english teacher, drama teacher, philosophy and ethics teachers chocolates and a card. 

for yixing i bought him chocolates and a card, but i also bought a frame with a picture of me, yixing and junmyeon inside of it and it’s really cute :( i got one for me and junmyeon too!!

for junmyeon i got him chocolates, a card and the frame, and some cute stationary because he likes stuff like that!

jongin and ten got some things too and they got along well but jongin always seemed on guard oof. 

i hope all my friends get along soon!!

anyways, baekhyun, jongin and i are gonna have a sleep over so i’m gonna go and great ready! we’re gonna find a series and watch it all in one night hehe. 

oh sehun.


	191. 8th July 2018

dear diary,

LAST NIGHT WAS SO MUCH FUN!! 

baekhyun and i wore our matching pjs!! but jongin felt left out so i gave him my shirt so that meant all three of us matched hehe. 

we binge watched queer eye and AHHHH ITS AMAZING I LOVE IT SO MUCH!!! baekhyun and jongin both fell asleep so technically i was the only one who finished it all. 

baekhyun was literally laying on me, and i was laying on jongins legs, so in total, i was very hot because this weather was not made for cuddling. 

i feel a little bittersweet about it being the last week of school. this year has been great, even though there has been a few ups and downs, but i’ve made so many good memories and friends. 

i feel like time has gone WAY to fast and we’re already at the end of a school year? goodness. it’s crazy. 

i remember decorating the bedroom, and meeting baekhyun for the first time, and when jongin and i became best friends because he said he never had a best friend before, and i said he could be mine! ugh, time flies when you’re surrounded by great people. 

i even remember meeting chanyeol and kyungsoo for the first time, i was looking out for baekhyun and i saw him being dragged by the ear by kyungsoo, along with chanyeols ear. they did something stupid in the cafeteria so kyungsoo was telling them off and i thought it was funny because even before i met kyungsoo he was playing the parent role of our group. 

i wonder how chanyeol is doing? i hope he’s okay, even though he’s been nothing but an asshole since things went downhill.

this last week is going to be amazing, i can just feel it!! HAPPINESS WILL BE EVERYWHERE !!! i’m gonna have a great time.

also, tantony we’re practising their chants for sports day and we’re running around the dorm room hallways and jongin and i were so confused but as we opened the door it was literally like a sea of red, and luhan (the captain of tantony) was leading them all and as he ran by he smiled and waved to us and it made me laugh because he looked about four years old. yixing and jongdae were behind him so i supposed he knew me because of them!! yixing and jongdae waved too so it made me extra happy!!

maybe corbinian should practise too,, i’ll ask junmyeon what’s happening, BYE BYE FOR NOW!!

oh sehun.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i’m gonna try to post a lot of chapters today!!


	192. 9th July 2018

dear diary,

ITS THE LAST WEEK OF SCHOOL!! and i... got a letter from x??? after all this time? maybe it’s because it’s the last week of school so he wants to say goodbye? maybe i don’t know i’m just as confused as the next guy. 

i’ll stick in the letter below!!

 

 

‘Dear Sehun,

It is me, X. I still love you and we should be happy together. 

Do you accept my feelings?

X

 

 

it’s much more straight forward than before, and the hand writing has improved lots!! i hope one day i do get to meet x, just to tell them i appreciate the kindness they have shown but i can’t return the feelings, or maybe i can? i don’t know. i don’t want to fall for someone i’ve never met before.

i showed kyungsoo and he looked just as confused as i did, but he said he was excited for me to find out who x was. 

aLSO!! 

at the end of every year, third years do a prank week where they basically attack the whole school and ALL OF FIRST YEAR WERE LATE TO REGISTRATION BECAUSE THE DORM HALLWAY WAS FILLED WITH CUPS OF WATER!! 

there was even caution tape all over the doors so it was extra hard to get out. 

after being late to lessons, i found out from one of the french students that alarm clocks kept going off in french class but instead of making a ringing noise they made cow noises because the french teacher got caught in a cow stampede, and i thought it was mean!! but funny... god i’m an evil person. 

at lunch time the third years played music in the cafeteria and stood on the tables and danced and it was super funny because yifan (ulphia head of house) was twerking and then the head teacher walked in and saw him and he was not happy, AT ALL!! 

baekhyun and yixing aren’t even in third year and they got involved, because they were in science class and they made a ‘blue sexy explosion’ as baekhyun called it. they got in trouble but they blamed it on the third years, the teacher didn’t believe it so baekhyun and yixing spent their lunch time cleaning off blue slime from the walls and the rest of the classroom. 

they said it was worth it though. 

the first day of the last week of school was great!! and i cannot wait until i see more pranks! and until i see x too, i’m still curious to who it is, and i try my hardest to figure it out but my brain is too small for that, i tried though!

 

baekhyun just ran into the room with flower and eggs in his hair (again) so he wants help cleaning it, and as i’m the best person, i’m going to do that, AND I WANT TO JOIN IN ON THE FUN TOO!

so bye bye diary!!

oh sehun.


	193. 10th July 2018

dear diary,

WE FOUND OUT WHO OUR NEW HOUSE CAPTAIN IS!

today we had our last full school assembly and it was nice because the head teacher was saying goodbye to all the teachers leaving and all the third years and he called all the heads of houses up and they all said their ‘goodbyes’ and their ‘thanks you’s to everyone,,, and junmyeon obviously spoke well and did a great speech!! 

each head of house had to announce who the new head of house was, so the head of ulphia is now minghao, and from what i’ve heard from him he’s great! and JONGDAE GOT HEAD OF HOUSE FOR TANTONY!!! kibum got head of ailbhe and drum roll please... mingyu got head of house!!! 

he seems great!! he’s much taller and broader than junmyeon but i’m sure he’s just as great!

the old head of houses presented the new head of houses their badges and all of the new ones had to give a speech and they were all funny!! jongdae just shouted into the microphone and all of tantony replied with YAHHHHHHHHHHHH! and everyone laughed. 

mingyu seemed just as wide and wonderful as junmyeon, but junmyeon will forever by my president!!! i hope he leads our house well.

today’s pranks were;

ulphia third years placing bluetooth speakers round the library and when it was really quiet they started playing porn and the librarian apparently was not happy at all!! apparently yifan had to apologise to every student and teacher in the library personally, which were mostly ulphia third years which made it even more funny.

in MY drama class, all the third year students ran in screaming ‘CHARGE’ as they were dressed up in the knight costumes from the costume cupboard and because my teacher is amazing he played along with it and all of us first years and my teacher pretended to fight against the third years and it was really funny and we all got really tired and just laid on the floor. 

then our drama teacher stood up and turned on the LED lights and put them on ‘disco mode’ (as he calls it) where all the lights flash and we had a dance party. 

 

i had work tonight with minho and it was great because the shop was LITERALLY empty and we got to just clean and have fun. jongin and taemin came in on our break and we all ate and it was super fun because we got to hear more embarrassing stories about taemin and minho’s childhood, like when minho ran into a glass door and broke his nose, and because taemin didn’t like seeing minho hurt on his own he copied him the second after and broke his nose too. 

that’s what true friendship is.

THEY EVEN HAVE MATCHING SCARS.

we all walked home together, but minho and taemin left us and went to grab more food because they could both eat for england, so jongin and i went up to our dorm room... only to find another note from X!! 

i haven’t told jongin yet but i think i’m going to tell him after i’ve met X so i can actually go without having him and baekhyun following me oof. 

i’ll stick in the note!!

 

 

Dear Sehun,

Summer is getting closer and our time is getting shorter. 

I want to confess who i am, Shall we meet?

X

 

 

the notes are much more direct and to the point this time, maybe they don’t want to mess around!! they mean business hehe. 

when i space out i tend to think about who X is, because i would’ve thought if someone liked me they would be my friend? but this person mustn’t be in my friend group as i think i would recognise their hand writing.

i’ll have to play detective!!!

anyways, i’m super tired because today has been amazing but very, very tiring, BYE BYE FOR NOW!!!

oh sehun

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> who do you guys think x is??? and do you think we will finally get to meet x!!
> 
>  
> 
> also, how do you guys feel about our new captains? i hope you guys like the new introduction of our new characters !!


	194. 11th July 2018

dear diary,

i am sad. 

today was my last revision lesson with yixing and junmyeon. 

i brought my presents and cards and it made junmyeon cry and he gave me the biggest hug in the world and it made me cry and yixing hugged us both and it was really nice.

he said no more being sad so we had a little party and junmyeon brought food and cake and we spoke about our memories together and i stayed late because i knew if i left it would be my last personal time with yixing and junmyeon and i knew i would cry again. 

i think i left about 11 in the evening, i did cry but they gave me big hugs and gave me a card and a present and i just opened it now and it’s got stationary inside of it!! and junmyeon’s notes and yixings notes. there’s two cards inside of it, one from yixing and one from junmyeon. 

i’ll stick them both in :(

 

‘Dear our little Sehun,

You like it when we write in english, So i’ll try my hardest to make it look neat. 

You have been a great student and a wonderful friend. I will see you around school, but i hope we stay in contact and continue to be friends as we already are. 

You will do great in all your exams and do great in life! Keep dancing as you always do, and keep smiling and making others happy as you always do.

I will always be here if you need help, or some advice. 

From your Philosophy Tutor,

Yixing.’

 

 

 

‘Dear Sehunnie! the best little bear!

I have been lucky enough to become your part tutor for ethics and i have had a splendid time helping you with your worries and doubts regarding the subject. I have also enjoyed every second we spent when we aren’t studying, you truly are a wonderful and positive boy, and I know your future holds lots of hope and fun!

Although I won’t be around to help you as often, I am so glad I have been able to see you develop as a person in a good way, Seeing our little Sehun grow physically and mentally has been very rewarding for both Yixing and I. 

I love you very dearly Sehun, And I hope your exams go greatly and your future holds more times when you can flourish and become the best you! You have my number and my notes, but I have been lucky enough to have your friendship. 

Thank you Sehun, please contact me!!!

Kim Junmyeon.’

 

 

i’m crying, i love them both so much and i can’t believe it’s the end of our revision lessons, i will miss them so much!! 

i just texted them both to say thank you for my presents and the cards, they said thank you for theirs :(

jongin is giving me cuddles as i write because i’m sad i have to say goodbye to my friends, i’m using his head as a table. 

 

I’m going to sleep now, so goodnight diary,

oh sehun. 

 

 

 

I saw a note slide under my door and it’s from X. i tried to catch them but they run fast to i didn’t get to see who it was, but the note says,

 

 

‘Sehun,

Let’s meet tomorrow in the Arcade in Soho, ‘Las Vegas Arcade’. I will be there at 7, i hope i see you.

X’

 

 

i feel awful because i can’t go, tomorrow i have work and it’s too late of a notice to say i can’t go in, especially because it’s now 2am. 

i don’t know what to do!!

i’ll ask kyungsoo tomorrow morning. 

oh sehun.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> it’s an end of a SuLayHun era :( i hope you guys enjoyed their part!! i’m sure it’s not the last we will see of them though!


	195. 12th July 2018

dear diary,

IT WAS THE LAST DAY OF SCHOOL TODAY!!!!

it was really sad but good to finish my first year here because it feels like it’s gone too fast and the next thing i know i’ll be 33 with kids and debt and i’m not ready for time to go that fast. 

our lessons today were pretty chill because all the teachers didn’t want to actually teach and there were so many pranks and our teachers even tried to prank us so it was great! 

all the group met up for lunch and it was nice to see everyone before summer holiday and everyone goes back to their home countries. we spoke about all the memories we made and i almost cried with laughter because just remembering all the things we did this year was great again. 

kyungsoo mentioned how at the beginning of the year i used to have a really strong lisp and now it’s barely noticeable and how we’ve lost friends and gained lots too! we added little jungwoo and lucas and taemin to our group and they’ve been nothing but fun. 

when lunch ended we all had a group hug and said we will try to see each other before we all leave. 

my last lesson was english and we did a quiz so kyungsoo, ten and i teamed up and obviously we won because were great and (kyungsoo is really smart so he basically won for us.)

i had work and i couldn’t stop thinking about how x would be waiting for me at the arcade and it made me sad because i had no way to tell them i couldn’t come, i forgot to tell kyungsoo that they had asked me to meet and i couldn’t go and i know he’s the only person who knows who x is. 

i hope x forgives me. 

tomorrow is sports day and it’s gonna be gREAT IM SO EXCITED!!! jongin and i bought matching yellow socks and brown bear ears so we will fit in with the spirit of corbinian!! 

we have to wear our PE shirts because every student has one, but it’s all good because the colour of your shirt depends on what house you’re in. mine is yellow because i’m in corbinian!! 

IM SO EXCITED FOR TOMORROW I CANT EVEN EXPLAIN!!!

i need to find sun cream for tomorrow because if i tan anymore my mum won’t recognise me when she picks me up from the airport, i’ve tanned a lot and i love it so much??? 

i don’t see the obsession with white/pale skin because i remember growing up and my mum buying whitening cream and it upset me because i thought it would hurt her skin. I LIKE MY DARK SKIN!! and jongin has really nice skin too he’s like a golden angel and he says that he doesn’t like his skin because kids used to pick on him about it, so i try to remind him he looks great!! 

sorry i kind of rambled, wait, why am i apologising to a book? i don’t know. 

BYE BYE!!! 

 

OH SEHUN!!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WHOS EXCITED FOR SUMMER TIME WITH OUR BOYS!!! me, that’s who!!


	196. 13th July 2018

dear diary,

AHHHHH SPORTS DAY WAS JUST AS AMAZING I THOUGHT AND SCHOOL IS ACTUALLY OVER FOR REAL!! 

i woke up and i could already hear all the chants already and it was funny because it went quiet for a second and then you just heard TANTONY!!! being shouted and jongin and i laughed so hard. we eventually got out of bed and we got our face paint on and i had two stripes on my face, one brown and one yellow!!

every house met up somewhere to have team talks and our house, the best house aka corbinain, met up in the theatre and about 9ish all of us got there and junmyeon gave his last speech of the year and it made me so emotional because i love him so bad and i don’t want him to leave. BUT!! he introduced mingyu to the house and once again he seemed amazing and like a junmyeonnie part two! 

mingyu and junmyeon led us in the chants to the track and we sat down in our stands section and once all the houses were sitting down in their sections we all got to run round the track once to ‘show off’ as junmyeon called it, and it went ulphia, tantony, ailbhe and corbinian!! so save best till last hehe. 

when it was our turn, junmyeon lead us once again but he asked all the gymnasts and athletes to run in front and they did flips while the rest of us did the chants and it was so much fun! jungwoo, taemin, jongin and i all ran together and it was super fun! 

the first events were the throwing ones, so javelin, shot put, hammer throw! lucas and kyungsoo went to their javelin and lucas won!!! kyungsoo tried his hardest and came second so i was very proud of my little egg, i ran over to him and hugged him and he was so happy and i just really love kyuNGSOO WITH MY WHOLE HEART IM GETTING SOFT FOR HIM AS I WRITE THIS!!

when i was hanging round with kyungsoo we saw chanyeol win his hammer throw but he didn’t seem happy, and i felt bad but it wasn’t me who made things difficult. 

the next events were jumping, so IT WAS MY TIME TO SHINE!!! i made my way over to high jump and i was competing against seungkwan from ulphia, winwin from ailbhe and i’m not sure if that’s actually his name but he kept saying “i’m gonna WIN WIN”, and it was funny, and from tantony was Hansol but he kept telling the teacher to call him vernon. 

AS EXPECTED, and because i didn’t want to let junmyeon down, i tried my hardest and i came first!!! winwin came secondsecond so he lostlost (i’m evil) and seungkwan ran and jumped under it and still managed to knock it over so he came last. 

i told junmyeon i came first and he was super happy with me and asked if we could take a picture together and of course i said yes!!! we took a cute selfie and he wore my ears and in total i still love him with my whole soul. 

next was all the running events!! 

first was hurdles so jungwoo competed and came first because mark apparently had just competed in the jumping and throwing event and he got so tired that on the third hurdle he just started walking around them shouting I AM OVER WORKED. and the rest of the others tripped over the hurdles. so once again, CORBINIAN TOOK THE WIN AND IT WAS GREAT! i am proud of jungwoo because he looked like a little springy boi!

kibum did walk them all and whilst he did it knocked them over as he did so and it was really funny because he sped walked it and technically came second, but because he didn’t actually do the sport he came last. 

next was speed walking and you know how i said we made taemin do speed walking because we didn’t want him to get hurt??? taemin managed to trip over and came last because he’s an aCTUAL IDIOT. WHAT IS ACTUALLY WRONG WITH HIM???

AND MY KING! baekhyun won his speed walk and yes, his butt did look great. it was funny because as he ran, or walked passed, he shouted at me and jongin ‘LOOK AT MY ASS, ITS THE STAR OF THE SHOW’ and it made us both laugh so much. 

next it was 100m races and tao came second because this guy called seokmin apparently is super fast and he was ahead of everyone by like 10 metres!!!

NEXT WAS 800 METRES AND IT WAS JONGIN AND TENS TURN AND THEY WERE BOTH RUNNING AT THE SAME PACE and i started cheering for them both but remembered that jongin is MY TEAM AND MY BEST FREIND so i cheered for him super loud and he started running faster and i just knew he was going to win. i started running beside him when he got to 100 metres from the side lines and when he got to the end i hugged him and i was super proud and he was really tired but he was super happy. i carried him back to the stands because i’m the best of friend, piggy backs for the win!

nini asked if i was proud of him and of cOURSE I WAS!! he was great!! 

oh!! yixing came last in his race because him and his friend johnny skipped the whole race and it was funny because yixing is like.. two heads shorter than johnny! 

THEN IT WAS FINALLY THE THIRD YEAR RACES!!! and the teachers didn’t have any chance at all and at the last 100m it was between junmyeon and luhan but as expected from our king, HE PULLED IT THROUGH AND WE CAME FIRST I WAS SO PROUD OF HIM AND THAT MEANT CORBINIAN WON THE BIGGEST EVENT!! i love my king. 

the head teacher called all of the students and we all sat in our houses so we could find out who came first! 

he announced last place which was ulphia, then it was tantony... so it was between ailbhe and corbiniaN AND GUESS WHO WON!!’ THE BEST HOUSE IN THE WORLD!!! 

WE WERE ALL CHEERING AND IT WAS SO FUN AND I WAS SO HAPPY AND i saw junmyeon crying and i was so proud of him!! we all lifted him up and cheered for our best leader and i love him so much part 3. 

after celebrating, all of our group headed back to the dance studio and baekhyun got us all alcohol, we had fun and we ended up playing truth or dare and they all write one on a piece of paper and when it was my turn i got ‘kiss the person on your left’ and it waS TEN i leant in to do it because it was a dare and then baekhyun and jongin both literally rudy tackled me and we ended up all bundling on top of each other and we ended up stop playing truth or dare because we ended up just hugging and saying goodbye to each other :(

jongin and i eventually left and when i went back up to the room there was a note from x, i’ll stick it in!!!

 

‘Sehun,

You didn’t meet me, I waited for you. We can meet tomorrow, Please come. Same place, at nine. 

X’

 

 

X seems more urgent this time so i wonder if their flight is soon back to home !!! 

i’m going to go, and i got the directions to the arcade and i sent them to kyungsoo so he knows this time and he hasn’t replied because he’s probably sleeping. 

jongin wants cuddles !! so i’m gonna go!!

in conclusion, today was probably the best day of my life and i hope to remember every second of it. i love my life!!!

oh sehun.


	197. 14th July 2018 (morning !!)

dear diary,

i wanted to write before i saw X because were meeting later this time and a lot happened today so i thought it would be easier on my hand haha. 

ten went back to thailand today and it was sad but i was excited for him to go to see his parents!! he seems to love them a lot!

when i finished waving him goodbye both jongin and baekhyun picked me up and we’re like WE HAVE OUR BABY BACK and i was like.... i never left bitches. 

then i had to say goodbye to junmyeon and yixing and it was really sad and (i maybe cried) but junmyeon said he will text me when he can and that he will miss me!! yixing will be back next year but i’ll still miss him oof.

i’m really stressed about seeing x, what if it’s someone i don’t want it to be? for instance, say if it was kyungsoo, SINCE HE IS THE ONLY PERSON WHO KNOWS WHO X IS, i don’t want to ruin our friendship :(( NOT THAT HIM LIKING ME WOULD RUIN IT!! but, say if i try to have feelings back and it went wrong, i don’t want to lose anyone.

i’m gonna wear a white shirt and my light distressed ripped jeans, and my black converse!! because 1. it’s a look and i look great in it, 2. baekhyun said “woah you look like a snack” and then 3. jongin followed “A WHOLE MEAL”, so i think i look good hehe.

they still don’t know i’m going but im going to tell them after! they’re just so protective of me and i just want time with x and i so i know how they fell and stuff.

god i’m super worried!! this is like something you see out of a drama... and i’m the love sick girl!!! 

diary, what has my life turned into???

it’s 7:30 now and i don’t wanna be late to meeting X so i’ll fill you in with all the details when i come home!!! 

TONIGHT THE MYSTERY OF X WILL BE SOLVED MY FREIND!! or, my book....

BYE BYE!!!

OH SEHUN !!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> are we really going to find out who x is?? 
> 
> i hope you guys are excited!!


	198. 14th July 2018, evening.

dear diary,

it’s currently 3am, and i am covered in cuts and bruises. i’m staying at kyungsoos because he needs me here, and i really don’t want to remember this night, but i need to vent and get it all out my system so i can rest as peacefully as i can, which i feel like won’t be peaceful at all. 

i wrote earlier that i was going to see x, and looking back at notes from february i should’ve seen there was a difference in tone, and the writing is so different, i’m so stupid. 

i arrived at the arcade about forty five early and when i got to the las vegas arcade, it turns out it’s out it wad closed, and me being the fucking idiot i am didn’t take that as a sign so i knocked on the glass and a guy in a dark jacket opened the door for me and i walked in and then i blacked out, i’m guessing that’s what the bruise on the side of my head was. 

when i woke up my hands were tied behind my back and my feet were together, and i thought it was some big joke because i was so scared and there was no way i could save myself. 

the guy in the dark jacket had his face covered, so when he pulled down his hood it was chanyeol. i didn’t know chanyeol knew about x, it feels like forever ago and the fact that he remembered it to hurt me, i just... i don’t know. 

i asked what he was doing and he said he was pissed off because i stole all his friends and his baekhyun, and that he wanted payback. then i started shouting for help because i didn’t know what else to do and then he kicked me a few times and it hurt so bad, and i never thought i would experience pain like that and i don’t even know how to describe it. 

and chanyeol, i’ve never seen this chanyeol before. he had a look in his eye and i could’ve sworn it was someone else. he just wasn’t the chanyeol i knew for half a year. i thought he was going to kill me, but i had some hope that he didn’t hate me that much. 

he kept shouting about how baekhyun is his, and how kyungsoo doesn’t even look at him anymore. i kept crying and saying sorry and i feel so stupid but there was nothing else i could do. 

god i’m so stupid.

i’m so thankful for kyungsoo, even though i didn’t want him in this situation, he appeared at the door and then i remembered that i told him that i was going and he didn’t reply, so he must of only seen it and made his way there. he looked through the glass and saw me and i’ve never seen him so worried, it really hurt my heart and i think at that moment i was more worried about what chanyeol was going to do to kyungsoo than what he was going to do to me. 

kyungsoo started shouting at chanyeol through the door to let him in and he was crying and i cried even harder because he doesn’t deserve any of this. kyungsoo pulled out his phone and started calling someone but then chanyeol dragged him in and then kyungsoo started hitting him. 

kyungsoo started shouting as well and he kept asking why he did this, and chanyeol said he did this because i stole baekhyun, and then my heart dropped because kyungsoo just looked so fucking defeated and he started screaming ‘you had me’ and he was crying, almost weeping, as he was screaming you always had me but you never loved me back. 

i didn’t understand at the moment but looking back on it now, how did i not realise that kyungsoo might of liked chanyeol. fuck, i’m the worst friend. 

kyungsoo kept crying and hitting chanyeol in the chest and then chanyeol just started crying and i think his legs just gave away because he was so shocked. 

kyungsoo was bawling his eyes out and it was something i never ever wanted him to have to do, and as he was doing that he was saying something like ‘you could’ve loved me and we could’ve been happy’ and he said he didn’t even know who this chanyeol was, because the chanyeol he knows wouldn’t hurt his friends. and then i started crying harder because he said ‘this isn’t the chanyeol i fell in love with’ and chanyeol started crying harder and he was begging and crying onto kyungsoos legs, chanyeol was begging kyungsoo to take him home to his mum. 

the whole thing just broke my heart, the pain i felt in my chest was so much stronger than the pain i had anywhere else. just seeing chanyeol and kyungsoo that low, it was something that no person should ever feel or see. kyungsoo is too good for something like this to happen to him. and chanyeol, there must be something i don’t know about which happened and that’s why he’s so hurt. 

kyungsoo called jongin to come get me and baekhyun came too, i didn’t want them to see any of us like this. i told kyungsoo to take chanyeol to the dorms but kyungsoo said he couldn’t just yet, he’s so strong, i can’t believe this happened. 

i’m still so shocked about it now, and i’m surprised that i remember it all, i just cant believe it happened.

when i got home baekhyun and jongin cleaned my cuts and put bandaids on them, and baekhyun spent the whole time cussing under his breath about how he was going to kill chanyeol and i cried a little more because i was so tired and i didn’t want anyone to be hurt anymore. 

jongin was just quiet and was sitting behind me with his arms wrapped around me, and he didn’t say anything at all. i don’t think i can apologise enough to everyone who was hurt in this, especially kyungsoo. he doesn’t deserve any of this.

kyungsoo texted me he got home so i wanted to stay with him because he needed someone, and i wanted to be there for me like he’s always there for me. 

when i got there i asked what happened after and kyungsoo said that him and chanyeol went to a coffee house and spoke for a bit, and they booked him a ticket for sk tomorrow with him. so kyungsoo and chanyeol are leaving tomorrow. he to me he wish he read the text quicker, and that chanyeol isn’t really x, he didn’t know about any of this. 

i asked kyungsoo if he wanted to talk anymore and he just shook his head and he just laid into me so i took the hint he just wanted to go to sleep. i did my best to cuddle him the best i could, and he cried a little more and eventually fell asleep. 

my heart feels sore, i waited for him to roll off of me so i could write this because i just wanted to give him everything i could while he needs me. 

kyungsoo doesn’t deserve this, he doesn’t need anything negative in his life. 

i’m going to sleep so i can help him pack tomorrow and make sure he gets out of school safe, i’ll worry for him the more i stay awake and i just don’t want to think for a bit, so i’m going to sleep. 

tomorrow i will apologise to everyone involved. 

oh sehun.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so,,, how do you feel about this??


	199. 15th July 2018

dear diary,

i don’t think i’m too much of a religious person. i feel like god is something that brings people comfort, and can be whatever a person needs him to be for them. i don’t pray often, because i feel like instead of praying i could do the things i’m praying for, but today i prayed that kyungsoo’s heart would be okay. i don’t know how to make all this pain go away for him, he puts on such a strong wall that i didn’t even realise how much he was hurting. 

i stayed to help kyungsoo pack for a bit but then jongin and baekhyun came and knocked on the door and asked to talk to me and they took me back to my room to change my dressings, and i didn’t even realise but i have rope burns on my wrist. i feel okay, i’m just feeling a little, out of place. out of mind? i don’t know what the saying is in english. i don’t feel like me. 

kyungsoo wanted time alone but told me to meet him in the entrance hall so i could say goodbye to him, he didn’t told me what time he would leave so i waited in the hall for a while and then baekhyun and jongin met me there because they didn’t want me to be alone. 

kyungsoo and chanyeol got there and chanyeol just looked so broken and my chest physically ached when i saw him. kyungsoo looked just as defeated too, but he’s strong, even if it’s just a front, i think he will be able to keep his front until he gets home and his mum can care for him. 

baekhyun and jongin stood in front of me when they saw chanyeol and when chanyeol saw he just dropped his head and something happened in my chest and i decided i didn’t like it all. i tried to push past baekhyun and jongin and it eventually worked and i ran to hug chanyeol, he didn’t hug back at first but he eventually did. 

i was scared, but before all this happened chanyeol was my friend, or he was a friend to me, i don’t know if i was a friend to him. i needed to tell him it was okay, i told him i forgave him and he just sighed and kept saying sorry. i told him i didn’t hate him and i hoped he felt better and he just nodded and i just wished that none of this happened.

i hugged kyungsoo goodbye and i told him to text and call me when he could because i would miss him, he told me not worry but how am i not meant to worry?

they left for the airport but i’m guessing as they were on his way kyungsoo texted me to call my mum as he had told her roughly what had happened :( why is he too good? he didn’t deserve this. 

my mum was really worried but i promised her i was okay and that jongin and baekhyun wouldn’t let anything hurt me, or near me at the matter of it. 

she wanted me to come home sooner but we already have our flights booked and i didn’t want to make a big deal out of it, and make a big fuss.

i texted ten and told him i was okay and he said he didn’t do the door, i asked why he said he did and then ten said he never did but i thought i did, so he took the blame i would be his friend, he said he didn’t know who did it. i told him it was chanyeol, and i’m sorry for being a bad friend. 

am i really this clueless? i didn’t even realise that i was this bad to everyone. 

i need to say sorry to so many people.

oh sehun.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> HIII EVERYONE!!!
> 
> i have some announcements!!
> 
> i was thinking about writing a few new fics!!!;
> 
> ‘Touch, Seperate’ = prostitute baekhyun and virgin uni student sehun become aquantances, and a little more ;)
> 
> ‘Steal my heart’ = Yixing the thief robs junmyeons house, (not relaising he would be the one robbed of his heart.)
> 
> i don’t have a title for this one yet! = firefighters jongin and chanyeol try to save kyungsoo in a fire, but kyungsoo actually saves them.
> 
> i will also be updating my ‘fallen people’ fanfic!! if anyone is interested! 
> 
> please let me know which one you guys would like to read first!


	200. 16th July 2018

dear diary,

i found out who x was today... and i’m very surprised, but glad it’s all over now. 

after the last few days it’s been something hay has made me smile so it’s nice to know now, i think even my friends are relieved.

i found out because kyungsoo texted me and he said that i was going to get a note later on in the day from the real x and that i should follow it, so when i got this note:

 

‘dear sehun, 

i’m sorry for the troubles i’ve caused. i wanted to tell you how i felt, between us two, but it seems that more than one person knew about my feelings for you. 

i’d like to tell you how i feel to your face, so you don’t live in worry about another person causing you harm. if you are okay to meet me, i will be waiting in the music room from four, i hope you come.

i’m sorry it came down to this, i really didn’t mean any harm, 

X.’

 

i already felt bad because x blamed himself and i knew it wasn’t his fault, i know i shouldn’t blame chanyeol because my mother taught me better, so i can only blame myself. i could’ve handed this situation better. 

i got dressed into a nice outfit and waited for four to come round and it took some time for baekhyun and jongin to let me go, baekhyun has been really quiet in these last few days and jongin hasn’t been himself either. i told them i would be okay and i was still in the school grounds so i would only be a call away and baekhyun and jongin didn’t like me going at all, especially because the cut on my arm opened up a bit but it’s not seriously injured, and it doesn’t hurt. 

i was worried when i left the room because i feel like i’ve been waiting for something so long, and after the chanyeol thing it just shows how quick things can change. 

i got to the music block in school and i went through all the rooms and they were all empty except the third year ones, so i opened the door and found Luhan sitting there and i asked why he was still in school because it’s his last year and he could’ve left, and then i started panicking because i realised i had interrupted him and i started saying sorry and he told me to calm down and held out a note. 

and then everything clicked. 

not really but, partially clicked?

i didn’t even know how to react because i was speechless for a moment, and then i started saying stuff like ‘but you don’t even know me? i’m a first year’ and he started laughing and when he did he looked really young, like younger than me?

he’s shorter than me so i guess that’s why i looked younger, and because he has a baby face. 

once he finished laughing he said “you really don’t remember me?”, and i didn’t understand so i shook my head. luhan told me that when we were younger we went to the same dance school and we were best friends, but after a year luhan had to move back home, but he promised we would meet again. i didn’t remember any of it until he said, and then all the memories of us two together hit like a heck load of bricks and it made my heart ache. 

luhan kept saying how he was shocked that they actually found each other, and how he thought it was fate that they met again. he said i was still squishy like he remembered and he said he was going to approach me but he said 1. he thought i wouldn’t remember him (i didn’t), 2. he thought it would’ve been weird and 3. he thought i had a boyfriend already?

he said at the valentine’s day ball he came and he saw baekhyun and i hugging and he thought we were a thing so decided not to hurt my feelings for the sake of his own :(( 

i’m still shocked as i write this, luhan is x. not only do i know who x is, but freaking luhan, ex captain of tantony, third year, ex best friend from 100 years ago, young looking but actually old, luhan is x. and he likes me?

it doesn’t make sense. 

it hurt my heart lots when he said sorry for causing trouble with chanyeol and i couldn’t help but be like ‘no!!! i’m sorry for noticing and trying harder to find you’ and then luhan asked if he could hug me and of course i said yes since i’ve been he worst person in the world yet again to another person. 

he said he was glad we found each other again because he always hoped we would be. he asked if we could be friends and i don’t think i’ve ever nodded my head so fast to a question.

luhan said he is leaving tonight and he would’ve regretted it if he never spoke to me before he left, and it makes me feel so stupid for not remembering him, but at least we finally got to be friends.

we exchanged numbers and it still feels weird but strangely contenting? (is that a word i don’t know) that x now has a name, and a face, and a number in my contacts. 

we walked back to the dorm rooms together and i said my final goodbye to him until we meet again and he seemed super happy, so i’m glad i could finally make someone happy again! hopefully from now on i can start to make people smile again. 

when i told jongin and baekhyun that x was luhan, they seemed more relieved that the x fiasco was over rather than me actually knowing who x is. but it’s okay because at least they’re not worrying as much. 

i called kyungsoo to say thank you for everything, and also to ask how he knew. he said he knew because ‘soosoo knows everything and everything only, so don’t doubt me’ (a direct quote from kyungsoo), and he seemed happy but i’m still worried for him. i asked how he was and he said he’s okay, and that he hoped i was okay too. 

i wish i could be cuddling my favourite penguin right now :(

BUT HEY!

luhan is x, kyungsoo is okay, baekhyun smiled a lot more this evening, and jongin finally fell asleep before me tonight today. (he’s been waiting for me to sleep to ‘keep an eye out’ and i think my bubbie has worn himself out, so i’m glad he is finally sleeping.)

things seems to be looking up, and my diary entries seem to be getting longer. i guess i’ve been more comfortable telling myself how i feel rather than others because they are all worried for me, and i don’t want them to be. 

i’m going to cuddle the pile of boys in my bed, aka jongin and baekhyun because i’m missing them, the real them, not the sad versions of them that i’ve been seeing recently. 

goodnight diary, 

(luhan is x!)

oh sehun.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> HAPPY 200 EVERYONE!!!
> 
> so we finally found out who x is, did anyone guess it?? i hope you guys are content with how x and who x is. 
> 
> i’m so sorry about the lack of updates, i tried to post lots of chapters before i went on holiday so i had enough to kind of catch up, but i was already behind so it didn’t make a difference!! sorry for letting you down, i will make it up to you fellow diary readers!!!
> 
> i’m also thinking about adding a second fic where people suggest/ i pick a diary entry where i write it traditionally (aka like a normal fanfic), so if anyone has any requests please leave a comment! 
> 
> i love you all, and thank you for joining me so far on the 200 chaptered journey of sehuns life so far. only another 165 days to go!


	201. 17th July 2018

dear diary,

....

....

 

(i went on a date today.)

it took me by shock because so much has been happening recently and i think this was a nice moment of peace and happiness that i needed. 

baekhyun ran into my room and jumped on to my bed where i was SLEEPING and shouting “i’m taking you out assface!”, and me being in my sleepy state i said “taking me out like your gonna kill me? or out”, and baekhyun started laughing at me and dragged me out of bed. 

turns out, it was a date.

my first, boy, date. with my best friend!!! my brain is confused.

we went out for lunch and it was really nice because we went to a really pretty park thing in the outskirts of london where there was a lake and we ate our food (i just had chips because i wasn’t hungry) while watching the fountain and ducks!!!

it didn’t feel much different from when we hang out normally, except from the fact i knew it was a date, weird right? it felt weird to be on a date with my best friend, especially because i know he feels more than just best friend feelings for me. 

i don’t know how i feel, for anyone!! because it’s not just baekhyun, there’s more peoples feelings and my own i have to consider.

life is hard.

i don’t want to let myself like someone because that means i could potentially lose them, i don’t want to lose anyone.

we had to be home earlier than baekhyun wanted because i had work, so he walked me back to our dorm rooms because im still being watched by nini and baek all the time, and when i got into the dorm rooms again jongin shouted “WHERE WERE YOU ASSHAT?” and i’ve only just realised people have been calling me ass related names today and i don’t know why.

i told jongin that baekhyun took me on a date and then he flopped down on the bed and said something about playing an unfair game and i didn’t understand so i just poked his butt and told him that he should wear skinny jeans more often because it makes him look like he actually does have an ass, AND HE GOT ANGRY AND THEN TRIED TO WRESTLE ME.

i can’t help if jongin has no butt, i was technically complimenting him. 

i face timed luhan before i went to work and he’s actually so lovely??? we spoke about our childhood quite a lot and all the memories came flooding back and it’s sad now that we’ve only just got back in contact, but i’m glad we did!!!

jongin wanted to walk me to work and he said i could get hurt, but i promised him i would call him and be on the phone until i arrived at work. 

so... that happened, and it did make me feel more safe! but i wish jongin wouldn’t worry about me as much. 

actually, i accept his worries, because if the same thing happened to him i would never leave his side and handcuff us together so my bear wouldn’t get hurt.

once i got at work, it was sad because it was mine and minhos last shift before i head back home and we had lots of fun!! minho said he will take care of taemin while i’m gone and i was like... please do, he needs protection. 

minho seemed worried about the cuts i got from the arcade but i told him not to worry and to treat me the same as he always does, he wouldn’t until i pinky promised i was okay. 

he’s too kind, everyone was super kind today, is it super kind day today?

i just googled and it’s actually national peach ice cream day today, and national tattoo day!

and emoji day...

AND YELLOW PIGS??

those are some random holidays, maybe i’ll start doing quote of the day and holiday of the day again. 

those things will make me happy so i will do them. 

i want to finish writing but i want to write more about the date, or i guess my feelings towards the date. for some reason it felt so natural and good to be with baekhyun in that light, but something felt missing. and the more i thought about what was missing the more i wondered what could be missing from a relationship. 

it confused me. maybe it’s my emotions that’s missing, or maybe because i’m not used to dating, since i’ve only dated one person and that went completely wrong. 

i don’t know.

 

jongin just sat on me so i’m going to go now,

BYE BYE!!!

oh sehun.

 

WAIT QUOTE OF THE DAY!

“stop writing hun or nini will shove a pencil up ur nose”, said by the wonderful jongin. 

 

oh sehun.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i’m a month behind... when did that even happen!!!
> 
> i’ve been on holiday so i’ve been unable to reply, but i’m back and better than ever to write!!! so expect lots of chapter updates from me (including some life of oh sehun ones hehe)
> 
> hope you enjoy!!


	202. 18th July 2018

dear diary,

what is up with my heart recently?

i can’t seem to control what i do anymore. 

i don’t seem to know what i want anymore either, and i don’t want to ruin anything with anyone. 

GOD I CANT HELP MYSELF CALL ME A CHEAP HOE!!!

i’m joking. 

or am i?

i should explain why i’m a freaking hoe. 

why can’t my life be normal?? i jump from one drama to another, it’s like i’m apart of some sad story where the writer likes to see the main character suffer, AND IM THE MAIN CHARACTER!!!

today jongin and i spent the day in the dance studio because he has PE course work where he has to do some stuff with the type of sport he’s decided, and he picked dance.... okay that sentence made no sense.... i JUST MEAN HE HAD TO MAKE A DANCE ROUTINE I CANT THINK PROPERLY MY BRAIN ISNT WORKING!!

he wanted me to fulfil ‘the woman role’ so of course i said yes and he had made this really cool contemporary dance routine to ‘She will be loved’ by maroon five and it’s literally one of my favourite songs in the world it makes me feel all soft so i didn’t mind listening to it like 100 times. 

the dance was super romantic, and we told a story of two people in love and ugh, i still think jongin is two different people sometimes because he’s completely different when he dances? i couldn’t help but blush sometimes and it makes me feel so stupid because i’m blushing about my best friend dancing close to me bUT DIARY IF YOU WEre a liVING HUMAN YOU WOULD FEEL THE SAME WAY!!!

by the 101st time we danced to it we were super sweaty and we finally reached the end where we went in a finishing position where i had my hand on his chest and our faces were pretty close and god, my heart wasn’t beating fast and i don’t think it was from the dance.

like, i could’ve sworn my face was all red because i could feel his breath against me and i couldn’t stop thinking ‘kiss him’ LIKE WHAT THE FUCK IS HAPPENING TO ME??? I WENT ON A DATE WITH ONE BEST FRIEND YESTERDAY AND WANTED TO KISS MY OTHER BEST FRIEND TODAY.

someone give me another soul the one i have now is confused. 

after a moment i moved away and covered my face and jongin started laughing at me and i was like WHY ARE YOU SO CONFIDENT YOU WERE LITERALLY SO SHY YESTERDAY???

i feel like these feelings towards them are so sudden, but i know i can’t just suddenly have feelings for someone. i can’t possibly like jongin OR baekhyun, i can’t even comprehend that they like me back, and luhan too!

there are too many feelings involved. 

i just know yesterday i felt like something was missing, and today even though it made me feel all gooey and flustered, i still felt something missing. 

god i need to stop talking about this. 

it’s just encouraging me to think about it more and more, and i say that like it already isn’t doing that. 

they’re my best friends, i can’t like them. and even if i did, it’s too sudden, i know i’ve felt like there’s always been something more between me and my two best friends, but this can’t be it. i can’t decide between my two best friends, and their feelings, and my feelings. 

mr diary, please find me a fairy god mother who can fix my confused head and heart, i want a simple life. 

IN OTHER NEWS MINUS THESE SUDDEN FEELINGS BECAUSE MAYBE IVE BEEN STUPID THIS WHOLE TIME,,,

i facetimed ten and ten showed me around his house and it’s super pretty??? his room is a peach colour and it’s got art all over the walls, AND HE NEVER MENTIONED HE USED TO DANCE??? i’m gonna make him start again hehe. 

he said he would like to start again so maybe he could dance with me and jongin!!

i’ve also decided that because yixing might be a little lonely without his boyfriend when he comes back, i want him to start joining our little dance sessions. 

i think everyone will get along with him well!!

anyways diary, i think i want to call kyungsoo and talk about my confused feelings because i don’t even know what to feel. 

bye bye for now!

quote of the day “we’re not twerking sehun! just roll your hips”, it made me laugh because i didn’t even twerk!!

oh sehun.


	203. 19th July 2018

dear diary,

i couldn’t sleep much last night because i couldn’t stop thinking about things. i feel like i’ve just woken up to everything everyone else has been aware to. 

i tried to spend today deciding what my feelings were in general, not even just about liking people and stuff, my life has been very hectic and i can’t help but feel loads of pressure. it feels like i’m just getting one load after the after when it comes to stress. 

i think jongin and baekhyun and luhan will understand if it takes me time to understand my feelings, especially after recent events. 

from my thinking, i decided that i think it’s okay to have a crush on one more person, why am i sAYING CRUSH??? i just mean like, have more than friend feelings for more than just one person. i know my feelings for them are different, and adding luhan to the equation is a complete mess. 

let me try to explain so i can understand myself. 

jongin and i are super close because we like the same things and we just understand each other, i’m not afraid to tell him anything and i think it’s the same for him. platonically, i do feel like he is my other half. THAT SOUNDS VERY HOMOSEXUAL. i mean, he’s just apart of me now, the same i’m apart of him. he’s always there for me and he’s super adorable and just such a kind person, and say if i was to have a ‘’’’’’crush’’’’’’ on him, i don’t think it’s a sexual crush, because if it was i think i would’ve tried to be with him sooner?? it makes sense right diary?

with baekhyun, it feels different because baekhyun knows everything about me but i feel like he’s such a mystery to me, even though i’ve spent so much time with him. he knows what i need when i’m sad and what to do when i’m having my panic attacks, but i don’t know how i could help baekhyun if he was upset or if he needed me. i know it’s because he doesn’t like to tell people stuff, and since we’ve fallen out he’s been telling me so much more stuff and i feel like i am seeing a new side of him, but it’s just different to jongin where i know everything about him, and baekhyun where i guess the potential ‘’’’’’crush’’’’’’ could be from how he treats me amazingly but he’s still a mystery, and i don’t know, because i don’t know much about him i want to know more. 

and luhan, i’ve known him for a total of like... 3 days? or from what i remember him from really, since he’s my childhood friend. he’s liked me all this time and maybe i find him so interesting because he finds me interesting too, and listens to my random talk and seems to care a lot. i know i can’t have a crush on luhan because my heart doesn’t beat like it does when i’m around baekhyun and jongin and i think about them being my potential crushes. 

i called kyungsoo and i told all this to kyungsoo and he said something like “well you can’t have them all, so stop stringing them along” and it kind of hurt because i didn’t mean to string anyone on and i think he noticed he came off a little harsh because he started apologising lots and saying he has his own problems. 

i know i’m not the best to kyungsoo but i do try my hardest to let him know he can talk to me all he wants and i told kyungsoo them as well he could talk to me about what was worrying him and he said he knew i was there for him, he just didn’t want to talk about it.

i wish i could do something about kyungsoo’s problems, he’s too good to be treated poorly. i now know he used to, or still does, like chanyeol, and even though i want someone to love and treat kyungsoo like the prince he is, part of me doesn’t want it to be chanyeol because i know people can change but chanyeol hasn’t really shown anyone that he could handle a relationship, because he hurt joohyun and i’s relationship, and he treated baekhyun badly, and then assaulted me. 

he’s smart and i’m sure he knows best, i just hope that his heart changes so i know he’s safe. i know chanyeol isn’t in the right state of mind at the moment so he needs time to become the self that our group used to know and love him for, im sure kyungsoo already knows that. 

anyways, i’m going to dance with jongin because it’s our last day together and i don’t want to waste anymore time without my best friend because we won’t see each other certainly for sometime, which makes me sad just thinking of it. 

quote of the day, “It’s 4am and i think i finally know what animal i spiritually am”, texted to the group chat between junmyeon, yixing and i by yixing. and then a few minutes later he texted, “im a sheep.”

 

oh sehun. 

 

 

OKAY. 

 

WHAT THE HECK JUST HAPPENED. 

 

jongin and i went to the dance studio and we were dancing and it was super fun and we danced for so long that i got tired. we laid on the floor and just spoke about all of our memories and it felt peaceful, but my heart was like all crazy. 

and jongin was sitting there looking all cute and he leant in to kiss me and i don’t know, i kissed him back. part of me wanted to run away and never do it again but another part of me just wanted to stay and kiss him forever. 

it was different from our last kisses, but this one i wanted to finish without running away, and i did. it was soft and i didn’t feel like i had to kiss him, i just felt like i wanted to do it. 

when we finished kissing he looked super happy and he said “you didn’t run away this time”, and it made me feel bad for a moment so i just said “i didn’t run away this time.”

we just laid there for sometime because i felt so so so so sooooo confused, but so happy. i still felt like something was missing, and maybe i shouldn’t of kissed him because kyungsoo said i was leading people on and i don’t know my feelings yet. it just felt good, but missing something. 

my heart felt weird after because baekhyun came and got me to go to work for the last time and i felt guilty again because i know baekhyun’s feelings too.

it feels too sudden. 

work was pretty quiet so nothing really happened, baekhyun and i just got to clean the whole shop and as much as i love cleaning, my head was confused because baekhyun and jongin and even luhan and kyungsoo and chanyeol.

i don’t know what to do, my head is just a little confused.

when we were walking home baekhyun was talking a lot more than he has been recently and it made me feel okay for a moment but then he said he’s never felt so much fear in his life knowing that i was in danger. it made me feel selfish because so many people are depending on my emotions and feelings and actions and i don’t know if i can please everyone.

my heart physically ached because baekhyun held onto my hand and he said he wouldn’t let anything happen to me because when i hurt he hurts, and when i’m happy he’s happy. 

it’s too much stress to handle?? how to people handle it, and i really don’t know how to. 

my heart is playing two different games and i’m not good at either of them. 

i want to talk to jongin before he goes home tomorrow, even if i’m bad at playing a game i didn’t even know i was taking part in.

 

oh sehun.


	204. 20th July 2018

dear diary,

sadness. sad. 

today jongin left school till next term and i miss him already. i helped him pack his bags and i was super sad and i kept crying and jongin kept joking about me crying and i was like IM SORRY IM GOING TO MISS MY BEST FRIEND FOR A MONTH???

for some reasons, i believe that a break between baekhyun and jongin and i will be good because;  
1\. i can stop leading people on and have finally have time to my own  
2\. i can sort out my feelings for everyone  
3\. i can cry to my mum about all of this and mama oh can help

baekhyun and i walked jongin to the hall where his taxi was gonna pick him up and we had our final three musketeers hug before we meet again in summer, and cried again and the both of them kept reminding me that we are gonna meet so i’m just reminding myself now too so i don’t get sad.

baekhyun is staying in our room tonight because i felt lonely and even though baekhyun is here, it feels weird without jongin, a little lonely. (a very big lonely.)

baekhyun is asleep already and i should too because it’s late and my hands hurt from writing this small amount, my hand is lazy today. 

anyways, quote of the day, i can’t write it because it’s a sound but jongin was laughing and he was like HA HA HA HA HA and then just like made some weird trumpet noise and it made me laugh too much. 

oh sehun.


	205. 21st July 2018

dear diary,

today was a bit hectic but very fun!!

i decided i was going to facetime all of my friends to catch up because i can’t talk to them every day and it makes me sad. 

i started with jongin and he had a safe flight and landed and is now home!! he said he forgot how big and lonely his house is because it’s super big and his family are rarely home which sucked. he said it felt weird sleeping on his own without someone sharing a room and i wanted to say ME TOO!! but baekhyun was here and i don’t think i felt as lonely as jonginnie. that sounds mean. i just mean, it’s weird not having jongin in my room, baekhyun is lovely company and gives great cuddles but it’s weird not having my room mate in my room. 

he showed me round his room and it’s literally about 6 times the size of our room, and it’s super cool! he said he prefers our small dorm room to his big home room because when there’s lots of space it encourages him to buy lots of things he doesn’t need and it made me laugh because he showed me one of the ‘useless things’ he bought and it was earphones with cat ears on the top that move and he put them on and it was so funny. 

jongin had to go because his dad called him and it sounded serious so he left. i miss him. 

next on the list was luhan and oh my god he’s so sweet?? he was talking about how nice his home town is in beijing and one day i would like to travel there! my mum has been so i’d like to go with my family one time.

kyungsoo called me and he seemed better but unlike himself, and i don’t know what to do so i asked if he was okay and he just said chanyeol is back at home with his mum and he’s going to get therapy. i wish he told me about how he was, not chanyeol. as much as i want chanyeol to be okay, kyungsoo is my bigger priority. hopefully once baekhyun and i fly out to seoul we can get a train to meet kyungsoo. i miss my little egg. i hope he misses me too. 

i called my mum and she is very, very, very excited to see me and baekhyun (but more me and she said i couldn’t tell baekhyun that) in two days. since baekhyuns neighbourhood is on the way home to our house my mum offered him a lift home so we booked the same flight.

she saw my cuts on my face and she asked if i had anymore and it was sad because it looked like she was about to cry and i didn’t want that. she said she would treat the properly when i get home so that’s okay!!

once i hung up i began packing and i was getting sad because i have so many memories in this little yellow room and i find it hard to let go of things, but it’s something i need to learnt to get used to. 

as i was packing i found baekhyunnie’s letters and i could open one!!! it’s called ‘When it’s FINALLY summer’ so i’m going to stick it in below. 

 

quote of the day, “if i was there i would’ve drop kicked him and made sure he regretted hurting my baby”, my mum about chanyeol, but instantly regretted saying it because “violence isn’t the answer.”

 

 

 

Dear My Sehun,

ITS SUMMER!! 

I know you’ll be sad about friends leaving but we are going to have so much fun in summer that when you get back to school you’ll wish summer never ended (since i know you’ll be counting down the days till school start as you love so much.)

Once we’ve packed and back home, I’d like for you to meet my mum and my brother, I know I don’t talk about my family often but that’s because it’s not nice to talk about negative things, but my mother is lovely and she really wants to meet you. 

I’m glad we don’t live too far away each other, because I think I’d miss you too much. 

Anyways, Bon Voyage!!!

Your Baekhyunnie.


	206. 22nd July 2018

dear diary,

tonight is my last time writing as a first year in my first year dorm room :(

today baekhyun and i spent the day in london because it’s our last day and baekhyun said he was going to miss london so i said we should go there!

baekhyun and i did some exploring and went camden market and found some fake thrasher hoodies with peppa pig on them so we got one each and i picked one up for jongin too we all matched!!

we both got tired but stayed out longer so we could sleep on the flight tomorrow and we found this retro 24/7 coffee bar in soho and we went up to the roof top with our coffees and i felt like i finally got to know baekhyun a little more so it made me super happy, but sad at the same time.

he told me that he’s going to struggle in summer to see people because he doesn’t have too much money, and i got confused because out of everyone at work baekhyun earns the most, but i didn’t want to interrupt. he then he spoke about his family for he first time and told me that most of the money he earned went towards his general living and food in school because his family weren’t well off and he wanted to keep up with everyone else and it made me really sad so i hugged him and even though the bench was super uncomfortable we just stayed like that for a while.

i told him he could always come to me if he needs money because i have enough for the both of us and then he laughed and told me not to pity him and i didn’t!! i just wanted him to know i would always be there for him if he needs me.

we started talking about tomorrow and i told him i was excited to meet his family and he just went quiet for a while and he told me his family aren’t the most excepting people because his dad is homophobic and his mum just pretends his not pansexual. it made me hurt lots because i think i’ve had it easy, and seeing baekhyun struggle really hurt my heart because he doesn’t deserve this.

and i felt like the worst best friend because baekhyun said that when he came out to his parents was the same time i started dating joohyun, he said there was a reason but he didn’t mention it and i didn’t want to ask about something he didn’t want to answer. he said the day he found out i was dating joohyun, he felt like he really lost me and didn’t know what to do with himself, and that was the time and the only time he slept with chanyeol because he wanted to feel wanted and needed.

i felt like crying but baekhyun said it was a thing of the past, and that i shouldn’t feel too guilty. i still will and i will make it up to baekhyun, in anyway i can. i feel like baekhyun and i are really getting to know each other because i’m seeing more than just the first layer he shows, and i think it’s the first time i’ve seen him this vulnerable. even though i hate baekhyun hurt, i’m glad he trusts me to tell me he was hurting.

after sometime of cuddling on a really uncomfortable bench we headed back to my room and all of our suitcases were there and it really just made me emotional to say goodbye to all of our memories in this room?? it’s hard to remember so many good memories, so i might read through my diary on the plane tomorrow.

baekhyun asked if he could stay in my bed so of course i was like YEAH PLEASE because there’s nothing more i love than being cuddled than one of my best friends. we started talking about all of our memories and all the times we have had together and baekhyun poked my nose and asked me if i remembered the time he kissed me, and of course i did because who wouldn’t remember kissing their best friend?

he said one day he would like to kiss me again, but then said we should fall asleep because it’s late and we’ve got a busy day tomorrow.

do you think he would be angry if he found out i pretended to sleep so i could cuddle him and remember a little more? i didn’t want to write for too long because now i’m actually tired but i cant help be the happiest because i finally am getting to know baekhyun. the real baekhyun. even if it still feels like there’s something missing, and maybe it’s because jongin isn’t snoring beside us, i think i will sleep happily tonight.

quote of the day; “WOULD YOU LIKE SOMEONE TO SUCK ON YOUR BOOB? NO? NEITHER DO COWS”, said by a vegan protester on camden bridge.

oh sehun.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Last day as a first year ;-; our baby is growing up !!


	207. 23rd July 2018

dear diary,

today was too long. i’m so tired. kill me. 

we woke up really early and took our suitcases to the entrance and i had to say goodbye to my little yellow room, it was sad to part with it. we got picked up by a taxi and got taken to the london airport so we could get the plane to seoul incheon airport where my mum met us!

i knew the flight would be long so i put my laptop, a drawing book and nini the bear in my backpack so i could have a little entertainment while i was on the plane (and nini was there because i miss my bear and he always feels closer when he teddy version of him is around.)

we got through the airport perfectly and once we boarded the plane baekhyun and i realised how hard it would be to fall asleep on the plane. we stayed up and watched a movie and then baekhyun fell asleep and i let him rest on my because he always finds it hard to sleep in certain places. 

once we landed (and i still hadn’t slept) i was 8 hours behind in jet lag and baekhyun was barely awake and was super clingy, and as we were waiting for our suitcases he was hugging me and i kind of think he dozed off as he did it because he rested his head on my shoulder. i couldn’t help but find it super cute???

i told baekhyun to sit down and i got our bags on a trolley thingy and once i put both of the suitcases on there i told baekhyun to sit on the suitcases and i pushed them and him out to the car park wheRE WE SAW MAMA OH!!!

my mum is just so adorable and when she saw us she ran towards us and gave me a super big hug but once she saw my cuts she looked really sad and i wanted to cry i felt so bad. baekhyun said he had been treating the cuts well (which he has been) and my mum seemed to be a bit more okay about me being hurt because baekhyun was looking after me.

after the car was loaded we got in the car and after baekhyun gave the directions to his house he fell asleep with his head on my lap and my mum couldn’t stop commenting about how cute he was and i wanted to be like “mum i know he’s cute” but then she would think he’s my boyfriend and to avoid the whole drama i told her to be a little quieter because baekhyun was sleeping. 

i was thinking about what baekhyun said yesterday when we got further into his neighbourhood it looked kind of small, in the sense of, the stereotypical kid who comes to our school lives in big houses and comes from a rich family, but baekhyuns house was no bigger than a one story house. it sounds snobbish and stupid and i’m really not judging him because i like baekhyun, i don’t like his money or his other things, i like baekhyun as a person. 

i helped him get his things out the car and my mum said goodbye to her ‘second son’ (i’m her second son i was hurt) (joking) and seemed tired still so i helped him to his front door. 

his brother answered the door and he’s so adorable?? he’s 8 years old and he’s a smaller version of baekhyun and seeing him and baekhyun see each other again made me so soft. i’m surprised baekhyun doesn’t talk about his brother often because they seem like they’re really close :( well, as close as you can be for a pair of brothers with a 10 year age gap.

i got sad leaving baekhyun but he said we would meet as soon as possible and it made me feel a little better. 

when mum and i got home we started cooking dinner for the both of us (seyoung and dad don’t come home for another day) and she said my cooking skills have improved so she called kyungsoo to say thank you and kyungsoo seemed super happy to talk to us and he said that he missed me (and wants to see my mum again so does that mean i’ll see him soon? i hope!!)

anyways, super jet lagged, and i want sleep. 

night night!

oh sehun.

 

OH WAIT QUOTE OF THE DAY! “meow”, baekhyun in his sleep and i laughed really loud on the plane and people stared at me.

oh sehun.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> SUMMER OFFICIALLY BEGINS FOR OUR BOYS!!


	208. 24th July 2018

dear diary,

i’m still jet lagged but i wanted to write, my times are messed up so stayed up today and called jongin and he seemed super happy to facetime me because he said his dad has been making him work aside him since he got home and he’s missed being a kid, rather than wearing a suit all day and pretending to care about what was happening. 

his hair used to be a darkish brown and now he’s dyed it black because his dad said he preferred jongin with his natural hair colour and it made me sad :( #JusticeForJonginsHair

i didn’t want to hang up but the call was already 5 hours long and jongin had to go, so now i’m just super tired and lonely and missing my best friend. sigh. 

i’m gonna sleep and dream about being with my friends, and hopefully when i wake up i’ll be in the right time zone!!

quote of the day, “sehun, don’t ever get a suit job, wait, please do you’ll look good” said by jongin and i couldn’t function for 5 mins so time to die.

oh sehun.


	209. 25th July 2018

dear diary,

i might be seeing jongin sooner than expected!!

today we picked up my dad from the airport, he’s came home from hawaii and i’m super jealous because i really want to go there. we were meant to pick up seyoung at the same time but his flight got delayed so we decided to wait for him at home because we didn’t want to wait round in an airport for 9 hours. 

my dad wanted us to cook dinner together but had an idea for all of us to cook a dish from where we recently stayed so my dad made an hawaiian dish, my mum made a korean dish as she’s been doing work from home, and i made a british dish! 

we went to the food shop and i found it hard to pick a dish because 1. i can’t cook and i needs to make something easy and 2. all the easy foods ingredients weren’t in the food store. 

eventually i picked up a cod fish and potatoes and i decided to make fish and chips since that’s a well known british dish. 

when we got home we all started cooking our separate stuff and i was very proud of how mine turned out, even if i had kyungsoo giving me tips on the phone and my mum helping my, i still did it! 

my dad made poke which is actually a version of the japanese dish sashimi. it’s raw fish and my dad picked tuna, but he said if they were in hawaii it would be ahi (i googled it and ahi and tuna are the same type of fish?) he marinated it with some spicy stuff and it was so good??

my mum made a lot of things, she made sticky rice cakes and decorated them with cute faces made of seaweed, and she also made sundubu-jijgae which is a like a tofu stew and it’s one of my dads favourites! my mum also made mini burgers and chips so seyoung’s dish could be with ours. 

yes she is a wonder woman, am i jealous? yes. i love her so much.

my mum decided we should do it like a buffet style where we cut our food and present them on plates and put them on the table and we can pick as we go along, so i cut my fish into slices and put in a big serving plate along with my chips, and my parents did the same with their dishes, and as if in perfect timing seyoungs taxi arrived and i’ve never ran so fast and rugby tackled someone so hard!!!

SEYOUNG IS BACK!!!

we all ate together and it’s been a year or so since we’ve had a meal at home together and i forgot how much i love spending time with my family.

we all voted what was our favourite dish and obviously my mums dishes won, but that’s only because she’s a freaking amazing cook and no one could beat her, maybe kyungsoo, actually no mama oh is just the best at cooking.

we all helped clean up and seyoung told us about his awful experince getting home, HE COULDNT GET ON THE PLANE BECAUSE THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT BROKE THE DOOR? so his flight got cancelled :(

once we finished cleaning jongin facetimed me and said that his family invited my family over for a meal on the 27th (it’s a friday) and my mum said we could go!!!

his house is an hours away but i’m still super excited to see my best bud again!!

seyoung and i watched a movie and then he fell asleep so my dad tried to carry him to his bed but both of them are too old for that, instead my mum just brought him a blanket out and we all went to bed

:(

i love my family so bad???? like i want to protect them all and keep them safe!!

quote of the day, “mum the day you die is the day i start starving because i don’t want to eat anyone else’s food but yours”, said by seyoung. 

“please don’t talk about your mum dying at the dinner table”, my dad said this and everyone started laughing. 

oh sehun


	210. 26th July 2018

dear diary,

today i am angry. 

we went on a boys day out and my dad found a paint ball place we could go and i fuCKING LOST??? TO MY 45 YEAR OLD DAD AND MY 19 YEAR OLD BROTHER WHO HAVE EXTREME JET LAG??? they must have been cheating because how did i lose so bad? my body is literally covered in bruises and all my old cuts and bruises just heaLD!!! i’m angry!!

both my brother and dad are super cool and i hope one day i can be just like them, apart from junmyeon, i really look up to those buttfaces. 

i told baekhyun when i called him today about how i lost so bad and he said that the three musketeers should go one time because he’s sure he could beat me.... IN YOUR DREAMS BAEKHYUN!!!

i’m super tired and achey because i’ve done so much exercise today and i didn’t expect it. EW!

quote of the day, “eat my big balls sehun, my big paintballs”, said by seyoung as he shot me to death. 

oh sehun.


	211. 27th July 2018

dear diary,

i’m a fucking mess.

today my family travelled to jongins (huge, freaking huge) house to have a meal with his family and i’m such a fuckiiinngggg hoe???

it’s the first time i’ve seen him in forever (a week) and i don’t know what possessed me to be quite frank with you, mr diary.

the whole time on the way there i was texting him about how excited i was and he was just so excited too?? 

when we arrived i almost flooded my freaking basement because here i am, dressed in my light washed jeans, a white shirt and an orangey lumberjack shirt thingy, and his whole, freaking, family were dressed in suits and looked like gods, ESPECIALLY FUCKING JONGIN WHAT THE FUCKING FUCK??

my family looked pretty much homeless next to them and i was shook, because jongin looked so good? he had his hair styled which is not a jongin thing at all because he sleeps too much to have his hair styled, and he haD A TIE ON??? A FREAKING TIE??? i know our uniform is basically a suit but our school is so lenient on what we wear that as long as we stick to the colours navy, white and black we can wear smart casual stuff. and because jongin does PE he uses this as an excuse to go to school in tracksuit bottoms and a plain shirt, AND THE LAST TIME I SAW HIM IN A SUIT WAS THE BEGINNING OF SCHOOL BUT NOW HES ALL MUSCLY and i want to die. 

i’m writing this? like.... it sounds like im confessing my love. NO IM NOT. i’m just confessing how freaking beautiful he is. 

now to explain why i’m a whore... 

our families started to break the ice and become friends and jongin asked his dad if he could show me round the house and when he did he just took me straight to his room... and i- OH MY FUCK I AM JUST A HOE RIGHT???

when we got into the room i just, pushed him against the wall and started making out with him...

fuck. 

it felt so good?? i don’t want to write about us kissing but here i go. since it will be the last one. 

i didn’t expect to kiss him but something in my body just pushed me to do it and jongin was taken by surprise so i was just filled with like adrenaline and my stomach was like AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH and my head was like WHAT THE FUCK SEHUN CODE RED CODE RED!!!

jongin must’ve been into it because he... fuck why does it sound likes it out of a movie or some cringey story? he grabbed my shirt and turned us round so i was against the wall and i don’t even know how to explain my whoreism, because it felt so good???

after a while i couldn’t breathe and i knew i had to stop because of baekhyun. i broke the kiss and jongin went to kiss me again and i felt like such a fucking asshole because i said something like “i don’t think i can kiss you anymore, not till i work out my feelings”, and jongin said he understood and he let go of my shirt and straightened it out and he kept smiling and it confuses me so much how he’s my jongin one minute, and tHEN THAT THING?? him in a suit and him dancing five the same energy.

he said something “people don’t kiss like that for no reason, and it doesn’t feel that good for no reason. i think you know deep down what you want, you just don’t want to admit it”, and i didn’t know what to say but SAVED BY THE BELL, his dad called him to say dinner was ready and when we got downstairs (which was a long walk), everyone was at the table and there were so many dishes? and the table was so big?

i don’t think i’ve ever eaten anything so much in my life, and it be so good??? it was almost on the same level as my mums kissing- I MEAN COOKING OH MY GOD!!! i’ve got kissing in my head that’s why i wrote it. 

eventually we had to leave and jongin looked really sad and i hope he’s okay with spending time with his dad because he hates business work, like thats like the only thing he hates. 

i need to stop saying like.

hit me book, for saying like and for being a hoe.

FROM NOW ON, NO MORE KISSING ANYONE!!! NOT TILL MY FEELINGS ARE SORTED OUT!

fuck me, literally, i’m becoming something i don’t want to be.

quote of the day, “if only they had a daughter, i would marry into that family just to live that life”, said by seyoung once we left the house, he basically ate everything and gained about 30kg. 

oh sehun.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> do you guys believe that this will be the last kiss?? and poor baekhyun :((


	212. 28th July 2018

dear diary,

i’m meeting baekhyun tomorrow!!

i was on call with him today, which is weird because we always facetime because baekhyun always likes to look at himself in the little camera where he can see himself, but today he insisted we called normally. 

he seemed really tired so i supposed that he had no effort to do much, but we made plans to meet tomorrow and he said that he’s super excited to see my house,,, so nOW I HAVE TO CLEAN TO IMPRESS HIM???

baekhyun had to go because his brother needed help with a school project, and i started cleaning because the mess of my room needs a whole day to clean it. 

i spent the whole time thinking about baekhyun, and jongin, and kissing. because i don’t know what to do. 

i know i have to tell baekhyun about me kissing jongin, i need to be honest with him because he’s being honest with me. i won’t say i regret it because i don’t, but i will say i can’t kiss anyone anymore till i know my feelings. 

i don’t know what else to write today because i’m super tired. 

jongin texted and said that he still hates working beside his dad. nothing new. i’m still being a lazy ass and not doing any work, nothing new. 

quote of the day, “STOP YOU’RE GONNA MAKE ME CRY”, said by my mum so i ran downstairs to see what was wrong and it was just her and my dad playing mario kart and she was coming first but my dad blue shelled her. 

that’s my future goals.

 

oh sehun.


	213. 29th July 2018

dear diary,

today could’ve gone better. 

baekhyun came over today and he looked super cute and because he was wearing skinny jeans and a super big hoodie and then i realised it was my hoodie and my heart did a little boogie. that rhymed what the heck.

we didn’t do much really, we just hung out in my room. i told baekhyun about me kissing jongin and at first he was upset and asked ‘do you not want to kiss me?’ and of course i freaking do??? like, i want to kiss him for the rest of my life, but i also want to do that to jongin as well. and it’s not fair to either of them. i didn’t want to kiss him then either because i didn’t want to kiss him just for the sake of kissing him, i want the kiss to be naturals 

i said to baekhyun that i do want to kiss him but i want to know what my feelings are for everyone and i can’t kiss people meaninglessly because i’ve only ever kissed people when i meant it.

and it was a bad choice of wording because he got more upset and i felt bad. we were just laying there in silence (still cuddling each other) and i asked if he was mad and he just shook his head and said he was confused, not mad. 

i asked him if he wanted me to kiss him, and i did this because kisses normally fix things when they go wrong, and i didn’t want baekhyun to be sad anymore, and he said something like “you just said you don’t want to kiss anyone meaninglessly, so why do you now want to kiss me?” and i said i want to kiss him because he’s sad and he laughed and said “don’t kiss me because i’m sad, kiss me when you mean it.”

i felt worse because i do want to kiss him, but i can’t anymore. i don’t regret kissing jongin but i should’ve took everyone’s feelings into consideration before i did it, and that’s why i cant kiss anyone anymore until i know what’s happening.

baekhyun eventually did what he always does when we cuddle, which is lay directly on top of me and fall asleep, and it’s been hard to write this but i did my best. 

i hope one day i can make a decision which makes everyone happy, hopefully i can be happy too. 

baekhyun is waking up and i don’t want him to because it’s 2am and he deserves lots of rest because he seems tired, so goodnight diary! i’m not gonna do quote of the day sorry!!

oh sehun


	214. 30th July 2018

dear diary,

today was super fun!

baekhyun, mama oh and i went out after we woke up and because baekhyun didn’t have any clothes i had to let him borrow my boxers, socks, and a shirt! my jeans would be too long or him so he wore his ones from yesterday. 

we went out and grabbed something to eat and my mum insisted on paying for everything which i felt bad for so i slipped some money into the bill and my mum didn’t notice hehe. 

we went to a grill place and got different types of meat and they were all so good?? i’m still in shock i forgot how great korean food is and now all british food seems yucky (i lies it’s still great.)

baekhyun seemed really happy and i just wanted to keep him safe in my pocket because he’s so small and cute. 

i think about baekhyun a lot, like about his life and it’s made me realise how easy i’ve had it. he’s so strong for all the things he’s gone through, including school life. that’s another reason why i should protect him, because he’s too good for this world!!

when i got home (and after dropping baekhyun off) i called jongin and jongin was complaining about the business his dad owns and he said he misses school, and then i asked my mum if he could stay over and my mum said yes so SLEEPOVER TOMORROW WOOO!!

i think jongin needs this sleepover more than i do so he isn’t being suffocated by his dad all the time, i know his dad wants him to become a co-owner if the business once he’s finished schooling/university but jongin doesn’t want that at all, and i hope he realises that one day. 

anyways, taemin is calling me so i’m gonna go!

quote of the day; “this meat tastes so good”, said by baekhyun and my mum said “that’s what she said, or he said. equality, right?”

oh sehun.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry about all the updates!! i’ve been feeling super motivated to write hehe


	215. 31st July 2018

dear diary,

today i was a good christian!!!

jongin came over and we didn’t do much except cuddle on the sofa in the living room because my parents went out to do business work and my brother went out to meet with his old school friends. 

he tried to kiss me and i, the person who finally learnt how NOT to kiss people, put my hand on his lips and said ‘no kisses remember?’ and jongin groaned and rolled his eyes and was like ‘not even one?’ and i just laughed and said no and pushed him and then he fell off the sofa!! we both laughed and he asked me to kiss him better and i said i couldn’t because i can’t lead anyone on anymore until i figure out my heart. 

jongin got back on the sofa and he played with my hair and i decided that i prefer jongins hair when it’s not all business-super serious-suit-look because my jongin that i know has floppy hair which he ties back in a man bun when he’s doing his work. and gelled back hair jongin is not my jongin. 

after a while i started thinking about what would happen if baekhyun was here too, and i came to the the conclusion that jongin would play with my hair, i would play with baekhyuns, and baekkie would play with jongins, so everyone had something nice. 

when my parents came home we ate a meal together and jongin said he preferred my mums cooking over his house cooking because it feels like a mum made it, and my mum asked if his mum cooked and he laughed and said he’s only ever eaten the housemaids food because his parents don’t cook. 

i decided that he can eat my mums cooking whenever he wants and my mum agreed so now everyone is happy!!

jongin and i headed upstairs and he thanked me for letting him have a normal day again and it made me sad because i can tell he really isn’t enjoying working with his dad, but he won’t tell his dad that. 

justice for jongin.

quote of the day; “yo mama”, said by minho when he called me today and then hung up. 

oh sehun.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i just realised we passed 100,000 words!!! go us!!!
> 
> i hope you guys have enjoyed the passed 100,000 words, and continue to enjoy the rest of the diary!!!
> 
> i love you all!!


	216. 1st August 2018

dear diary,

can i die now?? is that an option, i had TWO awkward talks with my parents today.... death please come collect me. 

so today mum, jongin and i spent the day cooking so jongin had some food to take home and it was super cute and while we were doing that my mum pulled me aside and asked if jongin was my boyfriend and i was like NO MUM and then she asked if baekhyun was my boyfriend and i once again was like NO MUM WTF and she said either one of them would be great, i wanted to roll over. 

i didn’t want to talk about it while hiding was over so i told her we would talk about it later, and once jongin left i told her everything how i’m super confused. she made some strawberry and raspberry herbal tea and i just told her that i like both of them but i can’t have both of them and she literally said, “that sounds like a you problem”, and sipped her tea and it made me laugh so hard, but then after she said my heart will decide what is right, so i should trust my instinct. 

now by this point i already wanted to die because i didn’t want to tell my mum about me kissing my best friends but once we had finished my dad pulled me aside and said he overheard our conversation.... 

LITERAL WORDS... 

“i don’t know much about gay sex, but i do know you need to be safe”, and he gave me a box of condoms and i liteRALLY WAS IN HORROR AND SHOCK I WANTED TO CRY!

I NEVER EVEN IMAGINED HAVING SEX WITH EITHER OF THEM.... fuCK

i assured him i wasn’t going to be having sex any time soon but he still gave me the box so i officially am dead on the inside. 

i told baekhyun and kyungsoo when we did a group skype call and they thought it was really funny and i was like HAHA BOTH OF YOU ARE DEAD TO ME xxx

i’ve put the condoms in the back of my sock draw because i know (because i am a good child of jesus) i won’t be having sex DUHHH 

not that there’s anything wrong with having sex, and not that i’m particularly christian either!!! jesus diary don’t get upset. 

it’s just a prank.

ouch i just bit my lip and it’s bleeding so i’m gonna go. 

ALSO I HAVE A DENTIST APPOINTMENT AT THE END OF THE HOLIDAYS SO I SHOULD BE GETTING OFF MY BRACES!!!

no lisp sehun will appear before school i so excited!!

quote of the day: “sehun could never have sex he would just want to cuddle the whole time”, said by kyungsoo, and i thoroughly agree. 

oh sehun.


	217. 2nd August 2018

dear diary,

i’m a sinner. 

a freaking sinner. 

a whole, frick frack diddly dack sinner. 

since what my dad said i can’t get it out of my head and FUCK ME I WANT IT GONE I WANT MY NORMAL BRAIN BACK. 

and i was just getting confused because who would want to have sex with someone up their butt? so i googled it and for men there is a prostate somewhere... up there and that’s why it can feel good. 

BUT THERES STILL POOP??? do you have to poop before? i’m just confused. 

i couldn’t understand how something could fit up... in the butt because it’s tiny?? so.... i may or may not have went on a dirty website to see what the fuck you need to do. 

AND WHAT???

the only time my fingers will EVER go near my butthole is if i accidentally slip my finger off the toilet roll as i wipe.

 

that’s gross.  
i hate myself why did i write that?

i sound like such a prude, LIKE OF COURSE I HAVE LIKE... touched myself and stuff because what boy hasn’t?? but it was the first time i had watched porn because my mum raised me THE RIGHT WAY, and i know that it’s an unrealistic way of sex.

i just needed to research how it works.

but now i do. 

and i fuckiNG REGRET!!

tell you why?

i was up till TWO last night trying to figure out if i wanted something up my butt, or if i wanted to do it to someone else. 

in the video there was no poop but it still scares me because that’s a butthole.

what have i got myself into??

i say this like i’m ever gonna have sex HAHAHAHHAHAHA NOT ME 

i will be a good, christian virgin for the rest of my life!

 

AND ANOTHER THING I THOUGHT OF

baekhyun is pansexual, and he’s cute and small, well small to me. when he had sex with chanyeol i think he must of been the person who... got entered? i don’t know what it’s called, i don’t want to ask anyone its aWKWARD. anyway, so if baekhyun was that one, but still has had sex with girls, does that mean you can change like, i don’t know if you want to be the entered and the enterer? 

i’m confused. 

my butthole is scared. 

WHY DID I WRITE THAT

if anyone reads this i’m gonna have to explain how the only person who understands my humour is me. 

so many questions and thoughts and too many innocent things ive lost.

ANYWAYS...

 

today i facetimed kyungsoo and kyungsoo said i could travel to busan to stay with him for a couple days and he lives right near the sea and AHHH IM SO EXCITED!!!

 

we booked me some train tickets and i’m going from 9th of august and leaving 13th and i finally get to meet mama Do and i’m frEAKING EXCITED!!!

i’ll get to spend a lot of time with my bubby and we can be happy forever!!

i think it’ll give me sometime to clear my head because everything has been has been so major, and i need me some kyungsoo time to relax me and make me feel happy. 

also!!

baekhyun is coming over tomorrow and we’re going to cook a british styled dinner for my family called a roast dinner. kyungsoo sent me a few recipes so hopefully we will do well!

i’m tired, and confused, and my butthole is still scared (it’s a joke)

quote of the day; “your peach hair has turned into... not peach hair”, said by luhan who seemed very confused on facetime. 

oh sehun.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sehun the dirty sinner hehe!
> 
> I HAVE LOTS TO SAY!!!
> 
> thank you for 8000 reads!!! i’m beyond thankful for all the wonderful comments and people who continue to enjoy this fic!!!
> 
> i hope you guys still love all the updates i put out!!!
> 
> ANOTHER THINGY!!
> 
> today i updated ‘Fallen people’ which is a collection of attempted/suicide stories and i updated it with a Chansoo chapter, since i’ve been asked to write a chansoo fic. SORRY IF THIS ISNT WHAT YOU IMAGINED. 
> 
> the whole idea of that fic is to show the reality of suicide, sometimes you find love in your weakness, and sometimes it’s too late, sometimes you just need to show someone that they are loved. 
> 
> if you’re easily upset but harm and suicide, please do not subscribe to that fic! there are six parts with different types of trauma, so please avoid if you’re sensitive to those topics!!
> 
> i hope you do enjoy the level of effort i put into it though!!
> 
> thank you everyone, i love you ❤️


	218. 3rd August 2018

dear diary,

in one night, i broke the kissing rule, almost got kicked out of school, lost respect from a relative and made a great roast dinner too.

i think i’m just going to write what happened in order so i can comment on it as i go along.

SO.

today baekhyun came over and we started cooking our roast dinner and it was going great, and mum wanted to help but i didn’t want her to because she needs rest. 

then the door bell rang....

and i answered it. and it was my fucking trash ass uncle. 

at first i was so scared because i didn’t want to be scared of being who i am again and i didn’t want him to upset baekhyun. LIKE. why did he even come? 

i don’t know i should respect him but how do you respect an asshole?

at dinner we were all joking and something about seyoung getting married and how he would force me to be the flower boy and my uncle literally out of nowhere went “so is this your little faggy boyfriend?” 

like

what the fuck??

i didn’t even have to look at baekhyun to know he was about to shout and my mum and dad literally looked horrified and i was so angry and i don’t know what took over me...

so... instead of baekhyun shouting i shouted ‘so what if he is? what are you gonna do?’ and my uncle already looked pissed but i wanted to make him more angry so i held baekhyun by the back of his head and literally pulled him in to make out with me.

i didn’t want to do it in front of my mum or my dad or my brother but my uncle, FUCKING FUCKING HIS FUCKING ASS. 

i broke off the kiss and my uncle look like he was about to hit me and you know what? i was so ready for it, because initially i thought he would’ve hit baekhyun and i would rather be hit 1000 times than baekhyun have one hair on his head touched.

i told my uncle to fuck off and held baekhyuns hand to take him out of the room and away from my uncle. as we were walking up the stairs i could hear yelling and it made me so fucking fuming and when i got to my room i couldn’t stop pacing and shouting myself because fuck him? who the fuck does he think he is? GOD IM STILL PISSED. 

as i was pacing and being stupid baekhyun managed to stop me and calm me down and i don’t know i just wanted to kiss him so i did and i don’t know how to describe it.

baekhyun and i have never kissed like that before. 

it was intense but super like... not rough but not soft, like, i don’t know angry kissing? no not angry kissing, because i calmed down by the time i was kissing him, and nothing else really came to mind after that. 

baekhyun bit my lip and at first it hurt but now i can’t stop thinking about it, and then he said “does this feel meaningful?”, and then i realised it look like i was angry kissing him and it wasn’t like that. 

i don’t know how to describe it FUCK MAN IM GETTING SO PISSED I WANT TO BE ABLE TO WORK MY EMOTIONS. 

i’m just angry, angry at everything. why can’t i just like one person? why can’t jongin not be forced to work with his dad? and why can’t baekhyuns family accept him? why did kyungsoo have to suffer? chanyeol as well? this world is fucking shit and i’ve sworn more here than i have in my life but fuck people who just wont let others live. 

i told baekhyun it meant a lot to me, and i was sorry and he told me not to be sorry, and then he kissed me again, except it was softer than before, and it felt more like the rest of the kisses we have shared.

i don’t know why but i saw it in a movie one time where the taller person picked up the shorter person and continued to kiss them as they went on the bed so i tried it and baekhyun called me a dork, but i did it, and i think he thought it was nice, even if he called me a dork. 

we didn’t do much after, we just laid down and kissed each other for sometime, and i had to stop because once i had truly calmed down i couldn’t help but wonder what jongin would think. 

i don’t know. 

i’m leading everyone on.

i’m pissed at myself.

i told him i couldn’t kiss him anymore and he said that it doesn’t make a difference if i kissed him once or two hundred times, i still kissed him and broke the no kiss rule. 

it’s the same with jongin. 

i’m fucking everything up, right?

i just know both of them make me feel good, and special, and when i think about dating either of them i get an overwhelming feeling in my chest. a good feeling. i just need to chose. 

like kissing baekhyun today? if the rest of the shit didn’t happen i think i would put it down as a really good moment of my life. but i can’t. 

we went downstairs after we heard the front door slam, and my mum apologised a lot to baekhyun and baekhyun told her it was fine but it was fucking fine. 

we drove him home and on the way back my mum said my uncle tried to pull me from the int. school because apparently my behaviour has gone down hill. 

i apologised to my mum for acting the way i did because i never want to disrespect my parents, but she said she knows it was the right thing to do and that she’s glad i said something because she would’ve.

 

when i got home i just cried into a pillow and wondered if there was a god watching over me and was enjoying seeing me suffer.

i don’t want to hurt anyone, and when i try do something that makes me feel good and happy i know it’ll hurt someone. 

i can’t kiss anyone anymore, for my sake now. 

i’m not liking the person i’m becoming, i can’t hurt anyone’s feelings anymore. 

i need to decide do i;

1\. decide on one person to date and hurt the feelings of another.  
2\. follow my instinct and say FUCK OFFF to the no kiss rule, even if it hurts someone.  
3\. date neither of them and hurt no ones feelings. 

i want option three, but option two seems to be the asshole i’ve become. i need to become myself again and get some courage to decide. i can’t lose anyone, and that’s what’s gonna happen with option one.

i’m tired of this. 

i don’t feel like myself because i rarely get angry angry, i normally get sad angry. so i’m sorry for swearing a lot, if i ever read over the book i’ll cover my swear words in stickers.

oh sehun.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so much happened in this update oh my, i hope you enjoy!!


	219. 4th August 2018

dear diary,

yesterday baekhyun ended up coming back in the evening because his family was angry at him so he walked to my house :( i checked and it’s like an hour and a half walk from his house to mine. 

my mum of course let him stay over and he was too tired to stay up and watch a movie so i let him sleep on my bed and i wanted him to have lots of space to rest so i tried to sleep on the floor but he dragged me on the bed and told me he won’t sleep comfortably knowing that i’m on the floor. 

he eventually fell asleep and when i next woke up baekhyun kissed me awake... i would’ve loved it if i didn’t have a guilty conscious because jongin came to mind. he said i had morning breath and i told him to suck it up because he kissed me and he laughed and then he realised that i wasn’t laughing and he said sorry and i didn’t want him to say sorry because it’s my fault. 

i started crying because apparently i can’t control my emotions and i told him i’m sorry for leading him on and making this a mess. Why can’t i just like one?

because the kiss this morning wasn’t meaningless, it made my chest ache and feel all gooey. 

i just can’t enjoy hurting others anymore. i can’t do it.

baekhyun told me it would take time if i did want to decide between them, and that if i wanted to i could tag along with him when he goes to jongins house today. 

of course i wish i could be like OF COURSE TAKE ME WITH YOU but i don’t know how i would act around both of them, and i said that to baekhyun and he laughed at me and told me to get a grip because they’re my best friends still and the three musketeers doesn’t revolve around me.

i know he meant it jokingly but it shook me into place because my decision affects their relationship too. they hang out just as much as i do with them and the three musketeers can’t be completed if there’s not three of us. that’s why i can’t break our group by dating one of them. 

baekhyun borrowed some clothes and because i keep forgetting i gave him the jumper from camden to give to jongin because that means we all finally have our jumpers.

my dad offered him a lift to jongins because he was driving that way to a meeting and my mum was confused to why i wasn’t going, and once baekhyun had left i told her that i need to decide before i hurt anyone’s feelings. 

she said i’m putting a lot of pressure on myself but i need go, because if i chose someone i’ll hurt not only my relationship with them, but their relationship with the other. and if i don’t pick anyone we will all just be confused. 

i wish, i don’t know, i could just like one. or like both and it be okay. i can’t date two people though, it just doesn’t make sense. 

i was going to make a list of the pros and cons to dating either person but that’s evil right? even now no cons come to mind to either of them. 

i’m just gonna move to freaking antarctica and never see anyone again. 

oh sehun.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> my own character is starting to annoy me hahahah, what team are you on? team baekhyun or jongin? 
> 
> or to be extra, can you see them having a poly relationship?
> 
> UPDATES!!!
> 
> i recently uploaded a sebaek fanfic called ‘touch, seperate’ and i’m sure all you sebaek fans will enjoy it!!
> 
> thank you for reading and leaving responses, it gives me motivation to carry on!!


	220. 6th August 2018

dear diary,

IM WRITING SUPER LATE BECUASE I WAS ON THE PHONE WITH EVERYONE TODAY!!!

i first called jungwoo because i’ve been so sad recently and he always cheers me up with his softness but the little marshmallow was sad too :(( so we both vented about our problems and his was that him and lucas are going through a rough patch because it’s the first time they’ve been apart and they hate it. 

i then called lucas and i’ve never seen him so sad???? he literally cried and said “I WANT MY BABY BACK”, and i realised they both missed each other and the argument was about missing each other so... they should talk again???

i skype called them and then hung up so they would actually talk to each other and then i group called junmyeon and yixing and yixing showed us this new dance and he looked like a robot it was so cool.

NEXT on my list was tao but invited me to a group call with kyungsoo, taemin and jongin so i knocked our four people at once but was on the call for 5 hours.... oh my god. 

i was meant to call luhan but he said he was really busy so i couldn’t.

last, but not least, i called baekhyun and he was at his grandmothers house and she’s so cute??? she didn’t understand how the phone worked and was surprised to see me on the phone and in total, i love her. 

baekhyun went into another room and stayed on the phone till he fell sleep and then i took a screenshot because he looked so cute and fluffy, and hung up. i hope he’s resting well, he deserves all the rest and love. 

lucas just text me to say him and jungwoo are okay so that’s good!!

and update: i still don’t know who i like more, what a surprise!!!

:| 

quote of the day: “i just miss playing with his hair, because it smells like fruit and that’s the only reason i now like fruit”, said by lucas.

oh sehun.


	221. 6th August 2018

dear diary,

i opened up three of baekhyuns letters today because today was suuuper boring and slow. 

i opened ‘when you’re bored’, ‘when you need tv shows to watch’ and ‘when you can’t sleep’

i did a few of the things but napped, and then had to read the last one because i thought why not!

i’ll glue them in below!!

 

‘Dear my little duck,

You must be really bored if you’re opening this, Since you seem to make something fun out of everything. 

Here is what I do for fun! Hopefully you find them just as fun too.

~ Play card games with someone (me!)  
~ Play just dance on youtube  
~ Bake! (And let me eat some)  
~ Watch a movie  
~ Balance stuff on your nose   
~ Play the floor is lava  
~ Go shopping  
~ Order a take away   
~ Rearrange your room  
~ And if all else fails, Nap!!

Orrrrrr you can always find me, Call me, Text me since I am the best entertainer haha. 

Anyways, Have fun unboring yourself ;)

From,  
Your Baekhyunnie’

 

 

‘Dear My Sehunnie,

Here are some good series that you can watch! I don’t know if you would’ve watched some by the time you open this but I hope you enjoy!

~ Teen wolf  
~ Orphan Black  
~ Cuckoo   
~ The Office  
~ Steven Universe   
~ Skins   
~ Girls incarnated   
~ A silent voice   
~ Terror on resonance   
~ Strong girl bong-soon  
~ Changing faces  
~ Hell’s kitchen 

That should be enough right? these are some of my favourite so i hope you enjoy just as much! 

Text or call and we can watch them together, duhhh!

From,  
The small, but adorable, Baekhyunnie’

 

 

‘Dear Sleepy Sehunnie,

You can’t sleep?

You know my dorm room is only upstairs and i’m already ready for cuddles. If i’m unable to be with you, I hope this can help somehow. 

Actually, I don’t know what I should write, Maybe i should tell a story hehe. 

A Bed time story for my favourite Sehunnie!

 

Once upon a time there was a boy called Baekhyunnie who was raised differently to the rest of the kids in the village. He was much smaller and acted different than the rest, and the other kids didn’t like that. For most of his life he was treated differently and people laughed at him, once he got older even his own family laughed at him too. He hoped for the day he met someone who would love him for all his weird parts of him, and all his differences that he hated.

Baekhyunnie decided that his dreams and the things that made him different were too big for a small village like his, so, he decided to discover the rest of the world. He travelled and found a home in another village, with taller buildings and where being different was embraced and welcomed.

He felt at home, Baekhyunnie had lots of friends who loved him for who he was, But even with all the love he received he still felt weird, And was scared if people laughed at him. 

Baekhyunnie one day bumped into a boy who seemed lost and confused. The boy said his name was Sehunnie, and that he was a prince from a land far far away. Baekhyunnie was so excited to have a friend, But he didn’t realise they would become the bestest friends. 

Baekhyunnie soon came to realise he had met the person who loved him for all his differences, And instead of laughing at him, He laughed with him. Baekhyunnie had never felt so happy in his life and hoped that nothing would change, Because without his prince he would not be the happy Baekhyunnie he had became, And he was sure his Sehunnie wouldn’t be the happy Sehunnie he was either. 

So together, They stayed best friends forever. Number one in each others hearts. The end. 

 

I just read over that and i’m really, really, really cringing. God, what was i thinking? I’ll leave the writing to you from now on. 

I’m going to write another letter so i can stop embarrassing myself here, Bye Bye sleepy prince Sehunnie, sleep well!!

From,  
Your Baekhyunnie’

 

He’s actually so cute?? if anyone is the prince it would be him, because he saved me when i was worried when we first met.

Reading this version of baekhyuns story made me sad, and i hope one day i can know his full story and make sure he knows i support and love him fully!! like.. 200%!!

i texted him and told him i loved the letters and that he was the prince, not me, he didn’t reply though. 

i changed his contact from ‘Baekkie’ to ‘Prince Baekkie’ because i wanted to make my point clear. 

i wonder if jongin would be a prince too, maybe, and i’d be the village boy!!! either way, both of my boys are cute/hot/cool enough to be princes so i think they could be!!!

i’m tired, oof 

his story did put me to sleep. 

so,,, night night!!

oh sehun.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry for no recent updates!! i think i’ve caught the flu... my luck right??


	222. 7th August 2018

dear diary,

I’m going out with baekhyun tomorrow so i decided to pack for my visit to kyungsoo’s house today!!

i’m going to do it as i write my diary entry because that means i remember what i’ve packed so i don’t lose it!!

i’m going for four days so i need to pack enough for that!!

back pack  
\- train tickets   
\- money (card hehe)  
\- english books  
\- diary  
\- pencil case  
\- earphones 

sports bag  
\- OUFIT ONE  
denim jacket   
white t-shirt   
light wash denim jeans  
(the air forces i’ll be wearing on my way there)

\- OUTFIT TWO  
black t-shirt  
black denim jeans   
(air forces again) 

\- OUTFIT THREE  
black and white striped t-shirt  
light wash denim dungarees (which are new so this will be the first time wearing these!)  
black and white checkered vans

\- LAST DAY (COMFY TRAVEL OUTFIT)  
white nike shirt   
nike black tracksuit bottoms  
(airforces)

\- WASH BAG  
tooth brush (i’ll put in the morning)  
shampoo  
conditioner   
deodorant   
aftershave? is that the word?  
body wash  
hair jel  
(my mum will put in the other things)

\- 5 boxers   
\- 5 socks  
\- black snapback

that should be enough right? i don’t know what to pack... my mum normally packs for me but i thought i’d try !!

i’m super excited???

like... IM GOING TO SEE MY LITTLE PENGUIN!!!

i’m going to buy some presents for his parents to say thank you for letting me stay over!!

my mum just called me for dinner so i’m gonna go, bye bye!

oh sehun

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry this chapters kinda boring


	223. 8th August 2018

dear diary,

today baekhyun and i met and my mum said there was a nice park about an hour away so she drove us there and it was so pretty???

there was miles and miles of flowers in so many pretty colours (my favourite were the sun flowers and baekhyuns were the dahlias which were soooooo beautiful???? 

between each patch of flowers there was grass pathways, and we walked round until we found a lake and we just spoke about random things and it was a super nice day??? like so peaceful???

baekhyun laid his head on my lap and i put daisies in his hair and he looked like a little elf fairy thingy and i took a picture (in conclusion it was adorable. 

he told me he was gonna miss me while i was gone and it made me sad, especially after the story which i read from him a few nights ago. i told him he was welcome in my house whenever he wanted, even if i wasn’t there because my mum loves him more than she loves me. he thought that was funny and said ‘true’ and i was like NO YOURE MEANT TO SAY SHE LOVES ME MORE! and he kept laughing and the flowers fell out of his hair but it’s okay because i think his laugh is prettier. woah that was a bit gay of me. 

when we drove home we dropped baekhyun off and i gave him a biiiiig hug so he wouldn’t miss me as much, and once i got home i called jongin because i missed him super bad and he told me how his dad wants him to quit dancing and he rolled his eyes and said ‘the day i stop dancing is the day i die’ and i agreed because jongin isn’t jongin unless he’s dancing, and sehun isn’t sehun unless jongin is dancing beside him. 

i called kyungsoo after and he said he’s already cooked lots because he’s super excited for me to be over tomorrow!!! today has just been great and i think my great days will keep coming because i get to see my bubba!! (that’s kyungsoo) 

OH I FORGOT TO WRITE!!!

on the way home in the car i asked my mum who she thinks i should date, and she said ‘no offence to baekhyun and jongin, but kyungsoo is my pick.’ and it made me laugh and i said he’s not an option and she turned to me and said with a straight face ‘make him an option’ and it made me laugh even more. 

there’s no one i love more than my mum, she’s great!!!

quote of the day: “if i was a flower, what one would i be?” said by me  
“dahlia, because that’s the prettiest one of all” said by baekhyun and it made my heart all gooey.

oh sehun

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> trying to post some more chapters while i’m stuck in bed!!
> 
> if it’s not the best i’m sorry ;-; my brain is gooey


	224. 9th August 2018

dear diary,

i arrived safely in busan!!! i say that like i got a plane here but trains are scary so....

kyungsoo met me at the station and we are finally united!! i missed him so much!! and his hair has grown so much??? he has about two inches on the top and he has his sides shaved and he’s looking hot hot hoooooot. 

we got to his house and it’s right by the beach and i can’t believe how pretty the town/view is???

i told kyungsoo when i retire from whatever i do that i’m going to move here and live by the beach and kyungsoo told me that wasn’t a bad plan at all. 

as i’m really tired we spent the evening eating the food kyungsoo had made, and laying in bed as kyungsoo read our english book to me. it was super calming as i could hear the waves and kyungsoo’s voice is also very calming and in conclusion, it was the most calming night i’ve had in a while.

i’m too tired to write anymore. 

quote of the day; “collecting: Duckie”, said by kyungsoo’s sign which was cute because no one else had a sign at the station and i felt like the luckiest person.

oh sehun.


	225. 10th August 2018

dear diary, 

i really love kyungsoo :(

today we went to the beach and it was windy but we both really enjoyed our time, and kyungsoo told me the things that were upsetting him. 

he told me about his relationship with chanyeol and how things ended up the way they did. 

he said that at the beginning of his first first year, chanyeol and him were super close, they used to share a room like jongin and i did and even though they were polar opposites, kyungsoo said they got along really well despite all the playful fights. 

he said he felt like he found the most opposite and out of reach person to like because mot only was chanyeol the loud guy that he was, but he liked baekhyun too. 

he looked sad when he said this so i ended up sitting behind him and cuddling him with my legs each side of him and my arms wrapped around him. 

he said he never told chanyeol because he saw how much chanyeol liked baekhyun, and he thought the only person who didn’t realise how much chanyeol liked baekhyun was baekhyun. 

he also said one time they all got drunk and played dares and kyungsoo got dared to kiss the most attractive person in the room, and he kissed chanyeol and everyone thought it was a joke but he meant it. he said he knew it would be the only time he got to kiss him so he took the chance.

kyungsoo said he hopes chanyeol is okay soon, because he always dreamed of the day when they were all friends again. and now i dream for the day we are all friends too, because the chanyeol i know isn’t the chanyeol kyungsoo knows, he’s seen another side to him that no one else has seen before, and i hope that one day i get to see that too. 

hopefully he does come back to school to finish his last year and we can all become friends again. 

wait. 

maybe, we can’t all fully be friends because i don’t think baekhyun would want to be because of their history, and jongin wanted to hit him as soon as he found out what he did to me. 

maybe if i tell them we can try and if it goes wrong again, we can’t say that we didn’t try. i just don’t want to leave someone and my friendship behind with them because of something that mentally hurts them. 

it wouldn’t be fair to chanyeol, or to kyungsoo. because kyungsoo never asks for much, i think everyone thinks kyungsoo is emotionless and will go with that everyone else agrees with but i’d like to think i know kyungsoo a little bit better than that. i know him a lot now.

i gave him the best beach cuddles and he told me to stop being adorable and i told him i couldn’t help it because IM REALLY FUNNY. 

i told him i will try my best to become chanyeols friend again because i really do think he needs a group of friend again, even if he hurt us, we can’t just push someone away and leave him and one other person to clean it up.

hopefully everyone else agrees with kyungsoo and i. 

kyungsoos mum cooked for us and she’s literally a splitting image of kyungsoo?? she’s all cute and small and a gREAT COOK!!!

why does kyungsoo + his family make me so soft?? we will find out next time. 

quote of the day: “did you know that no matter where you are on the world, the sun will always be the same size?” said by kyungsoo. 

and it shook me because how do i measure that??? 

oh sehun


	226. 11th August 2018

dear diary,

today i had a clear mind, and i can’t tell if more or less weight is on my shoulders. 

kyungsoo had to help his dad in their catering business which is world wide but their main restaurant was in town, so i was left alone today. 

i decided to make today the day where i figure out my feelings, and i think i did for real. 

i spent a day looking for somewhere to sit and think and i found this bench by the seaside and i took my diary out with me but i couldn’t write anything. 

i sat there for hours and wondered how in the world am i meant to decide between two of my best friends? 

if i dated baekhyun, i would be able to make him happy and treat him like he deserves. i could take care of him and protect him from all the assholes that try to hurt him. but, at the end of this year’s school time he will be gone, and i don’t know if i’ll be able to handle him not being close, i’ll struggle even if he is just my friend but if he was my boyfriend i think my heart would break. 

if i dated jongin then we would both be each other’s first boyfriends, most of my firsts were with jongin and we both have the same experience. jongin is sweet and loving and even though he pushes me to do more daring things like kissing and stuff, it’s a good push. if i dated jongin he would be everywhere though, if we decide to share a room next year (which we definitely are), won’t it be too suffocating? it’s not now but if he’s my boyfriend he will be everywhere. 

i can imagine dating both, and holding their hands and kissing them and being their boyfriend, but i can’t imagine losing the other. it would be like cutting off a limb. i can’t lose ether of them. 

that’s why i decided that i can’t lose either of them, and by doing that i won’t date either of them. i just can’t, i can’t lose them. i won’t be able to live happily knowing i picked one of my best friends over the other when i know they both like me equally. 

luhan and i get along really well, and even if he would be the safer option, i don’t think i could ever return the feelings to him. i can’t see him in the way i see baekhyun and jongin. when i see baekhyun my heart gets all warm and fuzzy and when i see jongin all i want to do is kiss him, when i see luhan it’s the same feeling when i see jungwoo or tao. a friend. 

so today, i came to the conclusion that i won’t be selfish and pick one, or is it more selfish to date neither and keep both? i don’t know. 

i feel like it’ll hurt to lose them both romantically, but it’s better to have both as my best friends than have one as my boyfriend and the other hating me. 

when igot home kyungsoo was already sleeping but i found food that he had cooked with a note that said ‘eat well sehunnie’ and it tasted so good??? 

once i finished i got into kyungsoos bed and tried to fall asleep but kyungsoo cuddles me from behind and it was really cute and i wanted to write about it and then i realised i hadn’t written at all today. 

(i’m an idiot)

i’m gonna sleep now and hopefully kyungsoo cuddles me again!!

night night!!

oh sehun

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i’m feeling a lot better!! so hoping to post lots tonight!!


	227. 12th August 2018

dear diary,

it’s my last day with kyungsoo and even though my head feels much clearer, my heart feels like it’s broken. i can’t ever be as intimate as i hoped i could be with them, and if i want to keep both of them in my life i have to be a good friend.

today kyungsoo took me to a diner and it was super retro and cool and we had lots of fun!!! i realised how much i was gonna miss him and when i told him that he told me he was only a call away and if made me extra sad.

i asked kyungsoo who i would be best suited to, and kyungsoo said it’s not his decision to but i begged him to tell me and he said from what he’s heard my relationship with jongin is more physical than anything, and baekhyun’s attraction has been more subtle and patient. he said if i did the same things with baekhyun jongin might not be in the equation, or he said i might realise jongin is the one i prefer. and i told him he was no help and he said “you got yourself in this mess duckie, you can get yourself out.”

once we got home he began to read our english book to me and i laid my head on his lap and i love his voice??? his voice sounds nice speaking normally but when he speaks english it makes my heart dance. 

i almost fell asleep but i wanted to write so !!!

bye bye!!

oh sehun


	228. 13th July 2018

dear diary,

today i had to leave my penguin :((( and i probably won’t see him till school starts again, sighhhh

the train journey was super long and tiring but my brother picked me up from the station so it was kinda okay :(

jongin was meant to come over tonight but i told him i would be no fun because i’m so tired and he said it was okay and we arranged it for another day (two days time!)

i’m gonna sleep now because i’m tired and i deserve my beauty sleep. 

oh sehun


	229. 14th August 2018

dear diary!!

today seyoung and i spent the day together and he had to do some shopping so we went into he city and i got some things!!!

i’ll list them down below;

\- a disney movie box set of all the princesses to take back to school because baekhyun said there’s space in the second year dorm rooms for a tv!!  
\- a brown bear for jongin and i named him nini junior because he’s the second nini teddy.   
\- a brown hoodie which is super cool??? and warm???   
\- i got some school uniform things like plain white shirts, navy hoodies/cardigans, and i got myself some all black leather vans for school shoes!!!  
\- we went into a stationary store and i found a leather journal like the one i have so i thought i’d buy it for baekhyun so he has somewhere to write down his emotions as he struggles to tell others.   
\- i also found a penguin pencil case so i got that for kyungsoo!!

 

i decided to wrap all my gifts and i don’t know why, i like it when people feel special and have gifts. i’ll give my one to kyungsoo when we go back to school, and when i next see the two boys i’ll give it to them!!

i should get going because it’s dinner time and everyone is in tonight so we get to have a family dinner!!

bye bye!

oh sehun


	230. 15th August 2018

dear diary,

jongin came over and he had the idea to go on a bike ride!! he borrower seyoungs and we cycled forever.... we found this really pretty sunflower field and we took some super pretty pictures of each other and a few together, and i put the one of us as my background (it’s my lock screen, and my home screen is from when baekhyun had flowers in his hair and he was laying on my lap and i took a picture of him SHHHH don’t tell)

once we got home we ordered a take away and it took forever to come so while we waited i gave him nini junior and he liked it!!

once we finished eating his personal assistant came to pick him up and i didn’t want him to leave because nini time is the best time, and once he left i got lonely. 

i’ve been watching rupaul drag race for the 100th time because i’ve got nothing better to do, and i’m still super bored sigh. 

i should go though, because jungwoo said he was gonna call me soon !!!

bye bye!

oh sehun.


	231. 16th August 2018

dear diary,

i have some good news!!! potential good news actually.. 

my mum called from work and told me she forgot to tell me that i have a dentist appointment tomorrow!!! so i’m super excited because i’m hoping that i get my braces off, even if you can’t see them, they still hurt and i don’t want a lisp anymore. 

i also facetimed kyungsoo today and we spoke about a lot of things but then he brought up the rejecting thing, and asked if i had rejected them yet...

i told them i hadn’t because i’m waiting for the right time and he just shook his head and told me it’s better to do it sooner than later and i know that, i just need to tell them the right way, so i can not lose either of them. 

kyungsoo said i left three socks at his house so he washed them and was going to bring them to school with him and ugh he’s just adorable :(((

why does he always have to be right??

oh sehun.


	232. 17th August 2018

dear diary, 

...

 

...

 

...

 

...

 

I GOT MY BRACES OFF!!!

i am a new man. 

sehun with a lisp??? don’t know him. 

i called baekhyun and he was super happy for me because he knows how much i hated my braces!!! he said physically there’s not much change except i was smiling more... I SMILE LOADS IM JUST SMILING EVEN MORE BECAUSE THEY’RE OFF!!!

jongin said he was sad i lost my lisp and that from time to time i should fake a lisp because he liked it so much :((( I DONT WANT TO HAVE A LISP :( there’s nothing wrong with it, people just used to joke about me having it and now i’ve finally gotten rid of if he wants me to pretend??? crazy man.

i got fitted for a retainer to wear when i sleep so i’m sure i’ll have a lisp with that in.

...

great. 

i should go because my mum just came home and i wanna show her!!!!

bye bye!!!

oh sehun.


	233. 18th August 2018

dear diary,

every time i think baekhyun is feeling happy, the world goes against him and i’m tired of seeing him hurt.

today baekhyun and i decided to meet up and when he got to my house he had a bruised eye and a cut on his cheek and i was so shocked because who could do this to him?

he said he went shopping late to get him and baekboom some sweets but someone jumped him and hit him. it made me so sad that things like that happen, especially to baekhyun???

my baekhyun doesn’t deserve anything bad, and life seems to be throwing him all these hard tasks and i don’t know how many more he can take. 

he didn’t want to do much so i decided that we would just cuddle in bed and he asked me to read to him because he didn’t want to sit in the quiet. it was a bit of a weird position to read a book in because as usual baekhyun laid straight on top of me, so i balanced the book on his head and i started to read my english book to him.

i decided while i was reading that i couldn’t tell him that i was going to reject his feelings because he was already having a bad day, and once i finished the chapter he slowly took the book out of my hand and wrapped my arm around him.

i hugged him close and then he started crying and i didn’t even know what to do so i kept him even closer and played with his hair and told him it was going to be okay, the world is treating him too roughly and i hate it, because he deserves more than this. 

he looked up and even though he had been crying and he had sneezed a few times too, he still looked like one of the most beautiful people in the world and it sounds so stupid but he really does take my breath away. 

he asked me to kiss him and said that one time i said that kisses fix anything, and i didn’t want to kiss him and lead him on, so i kissed his forehead because i’ve always given him forehead kisses, so it should be okay.

i laid with him until he fell asleep and it really broke my heart to see him like that, i somehow got out of bed and made him a hot chocolate because i know he loves them lots, and he woke up about 10 minutes ago and he’s just been leaning on me drinking it as i write this. 

i really hope he is okay, i really hope i can be here for him too. 

i’m going to go so i can give him all my attention so bye bye diary,

oh sehun


	234. 19th August 2018

dear diary, 

my heart physically is aching. 

i’ll explain today in order so i can figure out things. 

when i woke up baekhyun was still sleeping so i decided to clean his cuts because they looked sore. i asked my mum for cleaning things and she gave me some and once i was about to finish one of the cuts he woke up and i felt bad. 

he stayed quiet and just rolled his head onto my lap and he didn’t say anything except a few sighs when it hurt him. i asked who really did it because in my head i was thinking about how baekhyun doesn’t really go out at night by himself because he’s scared of the dark, and how he doesn’t get along with his family and how he spends more time with his grand mother than anyone.

he didn’t answer so i asked if it was someone i knew and he shook his head but i can tell when baekhyun is lying now so i asked if they did it to baekboom too to see if i was right and he shook his head and he started to cry and i was like NO CRYING so i wiped his tears and he laughed sadly and it made me sad so i helped him sit up and i hugged him because baekhyun is too good to be treated like this. 

he said he wanted to get changed so i let him borrow one of my shirts and as i was changing he hugged me from behind and said he didn’t want to go home and i said he could stay as long as he wanted but he only laughed and said it wasn’t possible

:(

once we got changed we went downstairs and watched movies on the big tv and then my mum called us to make dinner with her and she was really worried about baekhyuns face so cleaned it for him and baekhyun thanked her a hundred times and my mum said that he had to treat all her sons like they’re the most precious diamonds, including him and i’ve never seen him smile so much :(( i want him to be happy. 

my mum pulled me aside and asked what happened and i said i can’t explain and just asked for him to stay over a little longer and she said he could!!!

baekhyun is sleeping now and i’m praying that hopefully he will ask to go his grandmothers house instead of his parents house.

i hope with everything i have. 

oh sehun


	235. 20th August 2018

dear diary,

i’ve just hung up on baekhyun because he’s finally fallen asleep because he was too scared to sleep alone at his grandmothers after what happened today, even i’m kind of worried to fall asleep. 

today shook me into reality about my feelings and baekhyuns wellbeing. 

we were driving baekhyun back home and he seemed really anxious and he kept leaning into me and he doesn’t normally act like this so i held onto his hand and he still seemed as worried and i didn’t know what to do. i wanted to turn the car round and go back home but i couldn’t do that, baekhyun had to go home.

when we got out the car i walked baekhyun to the front door because i wanted him to get in safely and his dad answered the door and he was really angry at baekhyun and he grabbed him and tried to drag him into the house and i tried to pull him back and he told me to fuck off but i couldn’t leave baekhyun like that. 

baekhyun pushed his dad away and is dad swung to hit him but i pushed baekhyun out the way, he hit me hard and i wouldn’t of have it any other way. i wouldn’t let him hurt baekhyun, not anymore. 

my mum got out of the car and she was crying and she started shouting at baekhyuns da and told him that a man like him should never be a father and he spat on baekhyun and it was as if someone had lit a fire inside of me because i can’t remember what i did after that. 

i know i started to hit him, and baekhyun told me he pulled me off. there’s a saying in english when you say ‘i saw red’, and i think it means when you’re so angry at you can’t see anything except anger. i felt that, i was so fucking angry because who in the world could spit on someone and hurt them? it was fucking inhumane. and too baekhyun as well? my baekhyun? 

i couldn’t act normally. 

baekhyun went inside his house because his dad had left and my mum and i waited in the car until him and baekboom had come out the house with bags and baekboom looked so worried and it just hurt me to see them like that. 

in the car i just held baekhyuns hand because in that moment it suddenly became real that this has been baekhyuns life. my happy and puppy baekhyun who is too good for this world, has lived with that fucking person?

my mum dropped them off to baekhyuns grandmothers house which was a one story house and i realty didn’t want baekhyun to leave my side because how can i protect him if he’s not close? how can i make sure he’s safe if he’s not anywhere near me? 

once baekhyun was in the house and we were driving away i began to cry and i couldn’t stop no matter how hard i tried. i was so scared. i can’t lose baekhyun.

i kept texting baekhyun and once i got home he asked to facetime and we stayed on facetime since then, and it’s now three in the morning and baekhyun couldn’t sleep until now because he was scared. 

i’ve never been so scared either, for him. and i think i understood what he meant when he said that it was the most fear he had felt when he saw me getting hurt, because i felt the exact same thing. 

i just replied to all the texts i had ignored today because i just wanted to give baekhyun all my attention, and i wanted him to know i was here for him. 

it sounds silly but i’m glad i did. 

i’m gonna sleep because i’m tired, and i hope baekhyun is sleeping well. 

oh sehun.


	236. 21st August 2018

dear diary,

it seems the people surrounding me and my life can’t get a break, everything seems a bit hectic really.

today i stayed in bed because i’m feeling tired and confused and jongin called me and because he knows me well he knew something was up, and then the next thing i know is that he asked his personal assistant to give him a lift to my house. 

he got angry when i saw my face cut, especially because i didn’t tell him how i got it because i don’t know if it’s my business to tell him? it took baekhyun this long to tell me so i don’t think it would’ve been right to tell jongin, without baekhyun knowing. 

i told him i was okay and he still seemed really worried and we were just laying there and he tried to kiss me again and i told him we can’t do it because i don’t want to lead him on and he sat up and said ‘i just want one thing to go right in my life’ and i felt super bad because i haven’t been here for him recently. 

i wanted to tell him then that i can’t date him because i don’t want to ruin the friendship between baekhyun and i, and jongin and i, but he told me that his dad threatened to pull jongin out of the school if he didn’t change his PE course to another course which would be more beneficial to his future??? baring in mind jongin wants to do nothing more than dance and has told me so many times he wants to be a dance teacher, i think PE is a great subject. 

i know his dad won’t let him do what he wants though. 

both of my best friends have problems right now and i don’t know how to help either of them, because it’s out of my depth and i feel like no matter what i do no one will be happy. 

i just want to be there for them, but it’s not enough. 

jongin eventually had to leave his PA said his dad was on his way home so he had to leave too and i gave him a big hug and told him i’ll always be here and he just smiled sadly and it really hurt. 

how do i comfort my best friends? i can’t be in two places at once, and i can’t solve their problems. i can’t do this. but i’m going to try for them. 

oh sehun.


	237. 22nd August 2018

dear diary,

today i spent the day with my mum and i couldn’t concentrate on having fun with her because i felt like my mind was everywhere else because i was worrying about baekhyun and jongin. 

my mum noticed and took me to one of our favourite restaurants and she told me that i can’t help everyone, but i can make things more bearable for them. 

i said i don’t know what to do about my feelings for both of them because i don’t want to lose them or hurt them, and she said i need to follow my heart and i said i don’t know what my heart wants. 

sigh this is too hard.

mama oh gave me a big hug and told me that i should be myself and i’ll find my way, so i’ll try to do that! 

 

i left my phone at home so i could clear my head but when i get home baekhyun had texted me that his grandmother wants to take custody of baekboom and him but they can’t afford a trial so she and his dad came to the conclusion that they will stay at their grandmothers house weekdays and weekends they will stay at their house. 

i’m worried for them, but i feel better that they aren’t at their parents all the time. i still haven’t met baekhyuns mother and i’m still wondering if she’s ever tried to protect baekhyun :( baekhyun said she’s nice after all.

i need to go now because my family are having a mario kart competition so peace out.

oh sehun.


	238. 23rd August 2018

dear diary,

i go back to school in 10 days.. 10 DAYS!!! well, i fly back in 10 days but school starts in 17 days ouch :(

i didn’t do much today because i was tired and my head is still aching from everything. 

i decided to call kyungsoo and he asked me how i was and i just started to cry because it’s too much stress because i don’t want to hurt anyone. both of them have serious things going on right now and i wish i could split myself in half to help them both. 

kyungsoo said the later i tell them the worse it’s going to get, so i decided i’m telling them the first day we are back at school so i can tell them together. 

sigh, i need a mama oh hug. 

oh sehun.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i was going to posts all the chapters from the 23rd-up to date but i received some sad news, or more shocking news i should say. 
> 
> last year i started college and i chose subjects that i wasn’t too interested in, or good in, and this really affected my grades. this year i am restarting college with different subjects that i’ll actually have a chance with, but this means i won’t be with my friends or teachers that know about my anxiety issues. i will find it hard to adapt to not having my coping system around but i think i’ll do much better!!!
> 
> i hope you guys continue to support me!!


	239. 24th August 2018

dear diary,

today jongin, baekhyun and i had a group skype call and it was so much fun!! it made me realise how much i miss talking to both of them together and AHHH I LOVE MY BEST FRIENDS!!

i could also tell that baekhyun was at his grandmothers house because of the background so that made me very happy too!

eventually baekhyun had to leave because he wanted to help his grandmother cook dinner so me and jongin stayed on skype and arranged to meet up tomorrow because his dad gave him the day off for once!!!

i’m so excited!!! jongin will finally be able to dress without a tie on wOOOOO!!

baekhyun heads home to his family house tomorrow so i’m worried for him, but i’m hoping he will call me if there’s anything wrong and jongin and i can help him!

i should sleep since it’s 2am ouch. 

night night diary!

oh sehun.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi everyone!
> 
> thank you for the comments, especially on the last post!!! i’ve been feeling a little down and i’ve found myself countless times reading through the comments to cheer myself up!!
> 
> i’m hoping that i can get caught up today so from now on it should be daily updates !!
> 
> thank you for the constant support, i do not deserve such lovely people supporting my work!


	240. 25th August 2018

dear diary,

baekboom was rushed to hospital today. 

i was meant to go out with jongin but about 20 minutes before baekhyun called me at baekboom was rushed to hospital because his stomach really hurt and he was so scared. 

when i get to the hospital he was crying and said that his dad started hitting his younger brother now too and this morning he woke up with this pain in his stomach and he didn’t know what to do.

we are still waiting for the results, that’s why i’m writing on a piece of paper. 

i hope jongin isn’t too mad that i had to cancel, it’s an emergency. 

i would write more but baekhyun said the doctor is coming back now so i should help in anyway i can until his grandmother arrives. 

oh sehun.


	241. 26th August 2018

dear diary,

i got home late last night after the doctors said that it was his appendix which needed to be taken out, so luckily it wasn’t an internal injury from his dad.

that son of a bitch didn’t even turn up to the hospital to see if he was okay? baekhyun had to take him on the bus to the hospital?

i really hope they find a way for their grandmother to take full custody of baekboom. 

when i got home i facetimed jongin to apologise for not coming over and he said that i have no time for him anymore and i only think about baekhyun, he said it never feels like he gets to talk to me.

i kept saying sorry and he said if i already decided to date baekhyun i should tell him because he’s got his own problems :( i just shook my head and said that there’s things happening with baekhyun and i’m not sure if i’m allowed to tell him and he said “remember when it used to be the three musketeers? it’s just baekhyun and sehun now”, and it really hurt because i’ve made him feel that way. 

he said he’s got his own problems and he wanted to rely on me to help him but it he thinks i’m not interested anymore.

i tried to tell him that i really do care and he just hung up. 

what the fuck is wrong with me?

i can never do anything right. 

i need to show jongin somehow that he still is important to me, and i know i shouldn’t even have to write that sentence but that’s what happens when you aren’t a good friend. 

aka me.

i’ll do my hardest to get him back. 

oh sehun.


	242. 27th August 2018

dear diary,

i’m going to write about last night till now.

since jongin hung up i couldn’t get it out of my head how much of a bad friend i am, so i decided i just need to prove how much i really do love and care for him. 

i stayed up stressing till about 6am so i headed out to a shop that i knew would be open and i bought some playing cards, some ribbon and i knew i had some pretty pens at home. 

then i spent about 3 hours sticking plain paper on the front of the cards, then hole punching them and threading the ribbon through them. then i wrote 52 reasons why jongin means the world to me- 

AND I BOUGHT HIM HIS FAVOURITE SWEETS TOO!! 

i finished by mid day and i asked my mum to give me a lift to jongins house and i knew it was risky to go without him knowing but when i got there i just wanted to see him so i knocked and his PA answered the door and he asked why i was there and i said i needed to see jongin and he was super nice??

his PA, called changmin, took me up to jongins room and told me to wait. i was really tired and i laid down for a little bit then i woke up with jongin in a suit poking me and he looked mad and i was like FUCK I FELL ASLEEP!

i woke up asap and i sat up and told him i had something for him and he wasn’t impressed and i held out the bag for him and he just put it to the side and said that i couldn’t buy his happiness and i already knew that but i just wish he looked at it first. 

SO.

i decided to say everything i had on my chest which consisted of;

\- i’m an asshole   
\- baekhyuns having family problems but i’d rather baekhyun tell him than me  
\- i don’t deserve jongin as a friend   
\- i should’ve been there for him  
\- crying   
\- how i should be a better friend for him  
\- more crying 

 

and jongin told me to shush and hugged me and i hug onto him so tightly because when i first started speaking i realised i could lose him, my jongin? i could lose him, he could hate me and never want to talk to me again. 

he said buying him gifts wouldn’t get me anyway, and he asked me to be there for him because when we went through bad thing we always did it together, and he said this is he first time he felt like i haven’t been there for him. 

i told him i wish i could separate myself into two so i could be with them both, and jongin said he hoped baekhyun would tell him soon so that there wouldn’t be any secrets anymore. 

i know jongin well, and i think jongin will feel upset after he finds out what’s been wrong with baekhyun. 

speaking of baekhyun, he texted me and said that baekboom is getting surgery to get his appendix removed tonight and his grandmother is still there with him. so that’s good!! 

i might find a way to help his grandmother get custody, i don’t know how, i still want to help. 

jongin opened his present while i replied to him and then he suddenly hugged me and said he wished he opened the present earlier and i hugged him back and i realised how tired i was and he said i could fall asleep and i did and when i woke up he was asleep too and i just miss him. 

i wish i could go back in time and only like one of my best friends, and maybe this would’ve all been avoided. maybe i could’ve still had both in my life and it wouldn’t be such a mess.

when i woke up i noticed it was late and my mum would worry so i tried to text her i was okay and jongin woke up and he said he was uncomfortable in his suit so he got changed into jongin wear, aka no shirt ma track suit bottoms and he said he would get Changmin to give me a lift :(

he’s so nice :(

changmin did give me a lift home and it turns out changmin was his next door neighbour before they moved to their bigger house and he’s ten years older than jongin and he’s always been jongins ‘older brother’ type of figure. he said that he knows jongin isn’t interested in what his dad does, but his dad just wants was best for him, and his company. 

he said he became jongins permanent PA when he turned 20, and jongin was 10, and he said jongin only asked him to be his older brother and treat him like they were related. he said he did his best because he felt like jongin was lonely :(( 

changmin said since jongin came back in winter he couldn’t decide wether jongin was the happiest he’s been or the saddest he had been because he was separate from his friends, but he had friends. 

i really do hope i’m a good friend to him. 

i want to be a good person to him. 

oh sehun.


	243. 28th August 2018

dear diary,

jongin texted me just a couple minutes ago and told me his going back to school early because him and his dad argued so hard that his dad wanted him out of his sight... meaning sending him back to school. 

i asked what they argued about and he said it was about dancing again, how his dad wants him to take over the business but he doesn’t want that. 

luckily he said taemin went home early so they will stay in the first year dorm rooms till switching day when everyone comes home into their new years. 

i’m so worried for him :( i had hoped that maybe they would’ve got along and jongins dad would’ve let him dance, but now i think jongin is going to have to stop PE and switch to another course :(

hopefully i can see him before he leaves because i’ll miss him too much, and i hope he doesn’t want to room with taemin when we start next because he likes him more.

 

i’m worried for him. 

oh sehun.


	244. 29th August 2018

dear diary,

turns out, i couldn’t meet him because when jongins dad meant ‘out of his sight’ he meant that night. 

his flight was late last night and i miss him so bad, but i know i just have to hang on a few days before i can be back with my bear. 

he hasn’t landed yet, or hasn’t connected to his service thingy yet so i haven’t spoken to him yet.

baekhyun told me that baekboom was allowed to go home today so i went to hospital to pick him up with their grandmother and i finally met her in person and she’s so lovely? she mustn’t be related to baekhyuns father... if you can call him that. 

baekhyun and baekboom were in the hospital room together and it was just me and their grandmother and she asked me to treat baekhyun well and look after him because he’s been through some rough things in life. 

i promised i would and even if it’s just as a friend, i’m going to treasure him with everything i have. 

oh sehun.


	245. 30th August 2018

dear diary,

today my dad left for tokyo because all of us have to go back to work (or school) and i already miss him huff.

he said he will try to fly out to london during winter so i’m looking forward to that!

baekhyun and i just finished buying our plane tickets home. we are flying back on the second so we land on the third in london so when we get to school we can be in the new dorm rooms! 

we facetimed as we booked the tickets and he said jongdaes flight is the same as ours so when we can book tickets we will try to get our seats together! 

as we dropped my dad off at the airport, i was out and about and jungwoo texted me and said his family had came to seoul for a day so we decided to meet up and my mum drove me (i was so happy because luckily i didn’t have to get the train) and we finally met after forever !!

it felt nice to have a day with jungwoo because he’s so calm and quiet and soft i feel like all my problems just dissolve when i’m around him. 

we spent most of the day with his younger sister (who is literally a younger and female version of him) and i showed them around the places i knew, but after a while i had to take them back to their parents. 

i had so much fun and it made me realise how much i missed my marshmallow. 

OH!

i’m still on facetime to baekhyun and he invited me over to meet his mum!!!

i’m worried, as i don’t know too much about her. baekhyun said she’s nice but ignores the fact he’s pansexual, so i don’t know if she’s too nice.

all i can do it wait to meet her. 

anyways, bye bye for now!

oh sehun.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i’m going to try to get up to date tonight!!!
> 
> let’s do this!


	246. 31st August 2018

dear diary,

today i met baekhyuns mother, and my heart truly aches. 

baekhyun told me to go to his grandmothers house rather than his parents house, and i found it odd but i went with it because i supposed that maybe we were meeting her there? i don’t know. 

when i got there baekhyun lead me to a room and then it suddenly made sense. 

she was really pretty, they had a picture of her above her mourning altar. she was smiling lots and she seemed very happy. 

i didn’t know what to do, i felt so, i don’t even know the word of it. 

he sat down on the floor and told me to sit down so i joined him, and he told me that he came out to his mum a long time before he came out to his dad, and she used to pretended he was straight so he tried to make taeyeon and him date. 

baekhyun said his mother was a lovely person but he could never tell if she didn’t like him being pansexual or if she was just protecting him from his dad.

i told baekhyun she was really pretty, and she most likely did her best to protect him, and he said he knew that now. 

i don’t know how or when she died, but baekhyun has been through a lot, and the whole time he spoke he kept his eyes on the picture of her. 

i didn’t know what to do because all i wanted to was make him smile, and i don’t think i could in this situation. 

i decided that because baekhyun wanted me to meet his mother so i stood up and after paying my respects i told the picture of her she was pretty, and that i was glad i was in baekhyuns life. 

i know i wouldn’t get a reply but at that moment i truly felt and knew that baekhyuns mother was a lovely woman. i think she was trying to protect him. if she was raised by his grandmother she must’ve been accepting of him, just not accepting of her fathers actions. 

i said i would take care of baekhyun and then i heard baekhyun sobbing behind me and it made me so sad that i was scared to turn around. 

as i went to baekhyun came from behind and hugged me, and i managed to turn round to hug him back. 

we stayed there for some time until he stopped crying. i told him i’d take him out for something to eat and we went out for ice cream and he seemed much happier, the happiest since the beginning of the holiday. 

we got ice cream to take home to baekboom and his grandmother and we had to drive slowly, but fast because if we didn’t drive fast it would melt but if we drove too fast the ice cream would fall off.

baekboom luckily is recovering well and has asked his dad if he could stay with his grandmother from now on, and his grandmother said that he had no choice to say yes because they were lucky it was his appendix that caused him pain, not what his father did. 

i think it shook their father into place because he said yes, and baekhyun had spent the last few days moving both baekboom and his stuff out of their old house and into their grandmothers. 

he also didn’t unpack his things because he would be leaving soon.baekhyun was tired by the time he got home so i told him that he should rest and i went home. 

i’m still trying to process everything that happened, but i hope from now on baekhyun has nothing but good rest and happiness. 

 

jongin is calling so i’m going to go now. 

oh sehun.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i think this chapter ties some unfinished ends with baekhyuns family arc!!! 
> 
> how do you guys feel about it?


	247. 1st September 2018

dear diary,

jongin and i stayed on the phone for ages because time zones suck and i missed him.

most of the call was me watching him and taemin dance and mess around and i miss my goofballs. 

after sleeping for what felt like forever i spent the day with my family, or i should say my brother and mum because my dad is in tokyo. we went out shopping and got things for me for school!! 

after went out for a meal and we ended up arguing about who would pay but eventually we decided (or fought the card machine) that seyoung and i would pay and my mum literally almost ripped of the waiters arm as she tried to pull out the card machine from his hand as my card went in. 

A MESS.

seyoung leaves next week and mama oh is staying in seoul to do business trades so we will all be separated again sigh. 

my mum helped me pack and turns out i have to pay for additional luggage because mama oh bought me more smart wear for school!!

and i bought a really big wool jumper so i can wear it at school when it starts getting cold.

i can’t believe summer has gone past this fast, it feels like it hasn’t even started yet, but here i am!!! leaving for london again!

this time last year i was stressing because i was leaving my home without my parents and going to live with complete strangers. and now i have people in my life i can’t imagine living without. 

on the fourth of september last year was the day i moved into my dorm room, aka when i first met jongin.

i’ve known for a year now, and i met baekhyun the first day of school so that would be... the 11th right? 4+7=11 

yeah. okay. sorry i can’t do maths. 

it’s weird i’ve known all my friends have been here for a year now, it feels much longer.

 

AHHH. mum just called me downstairs to have a mario kart match with her and seyoung and she shouted “DONT HIDE, I KNOW YOURE SCARED OF MY FORCES”.

i love her. 

oh sehun.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i wish i was mama oh she’s a whole ass legend


	248. 2nd September 2018

dear diary,

i’m on a plane back to london,

this flight will be too long. 

 

our flight wasn’t until the evening so we spent the morning chilling in my house. i wanted to wear something cool on the plane so i wore my peppa pig thrasher hoodie, my light wash ripped jeans and my airforces, and when baekhyun arrived he was wearing his hoodie but with tracksuit bottoms and we matched and it was so funny because he was like ‘well one of us is going to have to change’ and we kinda forgot so we’re still wearing the same thing.

we got our luggage in the car and mama oh drove us to the airport.

as we got our bags out the car seyoung pulled me aside and said i need to ‘step my pussy game’ up and device on who i should date and i didn’t know wether to laugh or hit him. he said if he swung that way jongin would’ve been ‘snatched up’ along time ago, so i should do it for him.

UHHHHHH. 

SEYOUNG????

 

at first i was confused on how he knew about my dilemma between baekhyun and jongin but then i remembered my dad and him are best friends and both mentally old ladies so gossip about everything. 

weirdo.

i had to say goodbye to mama oh and she almost cried but we did our hand shake she started laughing and told me to behave... i ALWAYS behave smh. 

we met jongdae on the inside and headed through customs perfectly, so i don’t look evil hehe, and luckily for us our flight was super empty because it was late in the night so half the plane was empty. this meant when we could stand up and walk around jongdae came and sat with us and now him and baekhyun are sleeping on each other after falling asleep to moana. 

only another.... 2 hours to go. 

i’m gonna sleep forever, bye!!

oh sehun.


	249. 3rd September 2018

dear diary,

WE LANDED AND IM OFFICIALLY IN SECOND YEAR!!!

we got picked up from the airport and we got taken to school and we were all really excited. i was excited because:

1\. i could see jongin again  
2\. i could see all my friends again  
3\. new room!  
4\. new decorations!  
5\. mORE SPACE!  
6\. baekhyun was happy!  
7\. i missed london and i’m finally back. 

when we got to school and we’re inside the elevator i had to say goodbye to baek and jongdae and i gave them both the biggest hug and told them to enjoy their new rooms!

and i headed to my new room... number 88!!

AND... JONGIN WAS THERE!!!!

i literally rugby tackled him and it was so great to be with him again!

then i noticed how much bigger our room was??? like... let me try to describe it since i can’t draw!

when you walk in it’s a small hallway, wait no that makes it sound like it’s big woah i suck at this. 

when you walk in there’s about about two foot of wall and then a door to our bathroom (which is still the same size) and you walk in further and there’s a sofa by the window on the back wall and then about three foot away on the left wall is the bed and next to it is a bedside table, and then another bed next to it. then against the wall where the bathroom shares a wall, there’s a desk. on the right wall there’s a big wardrobe and another desk. 

that made no sense. 

i tried. 

jongin and i are gonna decorate during this week and taemin said he would help so that’s good! baekhyun will probably volunteer too!!

i should go and catch up with everyone because we are finally meeting up in the music room again and i’m excited!!

oh sehun.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> our baby has grown up ;-;


	250. 4th September 2018

dear diary,

AGHHHHHH IT WAS SO NICE TO MEET WITH ALL MY FRIENDS??? they’ve all grown :( my children (who aren’t really my children) are in second year and third year!!!

we have new people in our dance studio group! last night kyungsoo, tao, jongin, baekhyun, jungwoo, taemin, lucas, yixing, chen and i were all together, that is everyone right?

i think so!

we are a big group !!!

kyungsoo sat next to me and told me that chanyeol would be coming back but because of his therapist he’s joining a week later so he can get a counsellor in school!

this is great right? i know what chanyeol did was bad, like really bad, but he still is my friend. if kyungsoo still sees the good in him, i do too. i can’t wait to see him again and see if he’s feeling betterS 

i went to baekhyuns room today and it was so big??? like super big??? 

baekhyun said he wants to know soon if he will have chance to date me, because he doesn’t know if his heart can take being led on anymore ;-;

i feel so bad. 

but i know my decision is right. 

i will tell them soon.

oh sehun.


	251. 5th September 2018

dear diary,

today we began decorating the bedroom!!

we began by painting the walls yellow which luckily baekhyun, taemin and jongin helped me do so i didn’t do it on my own this time!

wait... baekhyun helped me last time ;-; AHHHHHH WHEN BAEKHYUN HAD HONEY BROWN HAIR !!! the memories. speaking of hair, i should probably dye mine soon, it’s faded now oof. 

I GOT OFF TRACK!!!

a thing that caught my eye today was that taemin and jongin are closer than i thought, like... taemin slapped jongins ass and said it was nice.... like... the fuck??? 

yeah jongin has a great ass, we’ve been knew, but i didn’t even know taemin was interested like that. 

maybe that’s why jongin has been hanging round with taemin more than me, because he compliments him more openly than i do, and because he’s a better dancer. and he’s funnier. and apparently he can make jongin blush too which i’ve never done before so that’s !!! great!!! 

i asked baekhyun to help me put the fairy lights up so i didn’t have to watch them basically EYE FUCK each other, like OH MY GOD???? have i been blind till now?

i thought jongin liked me- wait- no, if he moves on that means i only have to tell baekhyun that i can’t date him. 

still, i love taemin but whY TAEMIN??? 

minho jokingly said that i’m the calmer version of taemin one time, so maybe that’s why jongin likes him more than me now. 

well fuck

 

woah i sound really jealous can i just delete myself???

i’m embarrassed.

 

.....

 

....

 

kill me. 

oh sehun.


	252. 6th September 2018

dear diary,

I HAVE THE BEST NEWS IN THE WORLD!!

today i did a group call with junmyeon and yixing and they were both really happy and i felt like something was missing so i was like.... parents please tell me why you can’t stop smiling AND....

JUNMYEON BOUGHT AN APARTMENT IN LONDON!!! or well, on the outskirts of london! 

but he’s only a 45 mom train journey away!! 

well that’s when he moves (which is on the 24th september)!

they said they were gonna tell me sooner but they wanted to make sure he definitely got the apartment and that his roommate is fully committed into buying it with him. 

they are still look for a third room mate but i’m sure one will come while they live here!

ahhh i forgot to mention!! yifan is his room mate because although he’s not going university, he still loves living in london... sooooo he’s going to find a job out here!!

i’m so excited to have junmyeon back and i’m excited to have my parents back together!!!

i’m also excited to become friends with yifan as he seemed very cool!

i’m so jealous of junmyeon because he got 4 A STARS!!! so he got a place in oxford university because he’s super smart!

he doesn’t know what he’s going to do yet in life, but he likes maths and science so i told him to become an astronaut!!!

 

ALSO!!!

today the room was finally finished so i invited jungwoo, lucas, taemin and jongin but taemin and jongin were finishing their course work!

lucas and i let jungwoo win and oh my god he’s so cute??? 

anyways, i should go because jongin just came back and i want to tell him how cute jungwoo is and he missed it. 

oh sehun.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i’ll try to post a few tonight!!


	253. 7th September 2018

dear diary,

my head is a little confused. 

i think i’ll write the day in order so i can make sense of it. 

today is the last friday of the holiday, so i thought this would be the best time to tell jongin and baekhyun i cant date either of them because i don’t want i don’t want to hurt them, or lose them, or hurt myself. 

so i told them both i wanted to hang out and we met in our room and i told them both to sit down and when i told them baekhyun was just sitting there quietly and i didn’t know what to do, and jongin looked like i just punched him in the face and kept saying, ‘what?’ and then he stood up and said ‘maybe if you dated us for a week each, you could decide’.

it sounded like complete madness, and i know someone’s feelings are going to get hurt so i told him it’s a bad idea and jongin said he just wants a chance, and baekhyun just nodded and said he agreed.

i said that i know someone’s going to get hurt at the end but if they wanted to, i’m okay to try. 

so from tomorrow, i’m ‘dating’ jongin for a week, then i’ll be ‘dating’ baekhyun. 

it sounds more silly when i write it down on paper. 

i wasn’t meant to tell anyone but i told kyungsoo and kyungsoo said that i made the wrong decision and i know i have, and i don’t know why i’ve agreed to do this. i know i’m gonna get hurt, and so are the boys. but, maybe this will help me decide, and i won’t feel as guilty when i have to decide because they said it was okay. 

ugh. 

fuck.

i feel a storm already growing. 

jongin said we start tomorrow and he saw i’m nervous about it so he said i have nothing to be nervous about. 

but fuck, this really means i will lose someone, right?

i might text yixing and see if he’s in his dorm room because i just need to talk to someone who won’t ask about baekhyun or jongin. 

oh sehun.


	254. 8th September 2018

dear diary,

it wasn’t as bad as i thought? but i guess the bad feelings will come when i have to decide.

i woke up and jongin was cuddling into me and he kissed me good morning and it felt so... normal???? like i felt like it was right? 

and because jongin is cute it also felt right. 

it took some time adjusting to jongins... not clingyness... but affection?? he likes to kiss a lot, and hug me from behind, and it’s a lot like what we normally do, when we’re not pretend dating, except i know we are pretend dating and we are allowed to kiss and be (homosexuals.)

we went to the dance studio with everyone and baekhyun instead it sitting next to me like he normally does, chose to sit with yixing, but i understand. i wouldn’t want to see the guy i like fake dating someone. 

kyungsoo saw too and he gave me a look that said ‘wtf are you doing’ because i was holding jongins hand and he didn’t approve. but, i feel like i need to do this, to make a final decision.

tonight we kissed like... made out a few times and jongin asked if we could cuddle tonight so i said we could. i still feel like it’s the same as normal, except there isn’t a ‘no kissing rule’ and i can act how i want around jongin, rather than holding back what i want to do so i don’t lead him on. 

it feels odd calling jongin my boyfriend, but say if i did decide to chose jongin, it would be a nice odd. jongin the boyfriend, my boyfriend?

or fake boyfriend... 

i wonder what me 9 months ago would’ve thought if he could read the things i’m writing, maybe he would slap some sense into me.

i’ve got to go, mr jongin is koala hugging me from behind and saying it’s bed time so i should get in bed. 

bye bye for now,

oh sehun.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> if i post three a day, i’ll be up to date quicker than expected!!!
> 
> how do you guys feel about the week of fake dating so far?


	255. 9th September 2018

dear diary,

second day of dating jongin and honestly, it hasn’t felt any different, just kissing?

i woke up and jongin wasn’t there but he left a note saying ‘gone to do dance coursework with taemin’.... i thought i was doing the dance coursework with him? 

confused. 

not like i’m his fake boyfriend and he left me or anything???

cool. 

wtf jealous i need to stop right now. 

ten came home early this morning so i helped him pack but he fell asleep because he was jet lagged, so i met up with baekhyun and baekhyun asked if jongin would be joining us and i said he wasn’t. 

when baekhyun got to my dorm room he said he wasn’t ready to see jongin and i act like a couple yet because he needs to adjust to it, and i said sorry and that i did it because i need to know who my feelings are stronger for and he just sighed and said he doesn’t want to think about it and that he wanted us to act normal again. 

baekhyun wasn’t as touchy as usual, like, we were behaving as normal friends do. normally baekhyun, jongin and i lay all over each other and today we sat on separate beds. 

we spoke about silly things, and how baekboom is doing, and how brothers can be annoying and other things like that. 

soon enough jongin came home and baekhyun said that kyungsoo texted him and said he had cooked him food so he had to leave. 

i think he left because of what he said earlier, about seeing us together. 

i understand though, i wouldn’t want to see it too. 

i feel like i’ve made the wrong decision, i shouldn’t of agreed to this. 

i know it was selfish of me to accept this, because i get to experince ‘the best of both worlds’ but it’s going to hurt everyone. 

fuck. 

i felt a little less bad about it all because jongin cuddled me while i cried. i didn’t tell him why i was crying, but i think he knew. 

i just can’t lose anyone.

oh sehun.


	256. 10th September 2018

dear diary,

TODAY WAS THE FIRST DAY OF SCHOOL!!!

jongin and i recreated the mirror picture we took on our last first day of school and it was super funny so i set it as my background, but baekhyun is still my home screen!! 

my time table schedule thing was the same which is great!!! and my teachers are the same tooo WOOOO!!

as it was our first day, a lot of our lessons were introductions to the courses and we had form time (where everyone in my year in the same house meet with our form teacher) and we had the chance to apply for:

1\. school council   
2\. prefect (we go to a first year class once a week and help them with stuff)  
3\. mentor (we get a group of first years and help them with stuff)   
4\. sports captain (jongin went for this)  
5\. head of form (so in charge of our year group who’s in corbinian) 

later on in the year we apply for the third year roles which are:

\- head of house (junmyeons role)  
\- sports captain (they help out with all the sports events)  
\- liturgical rep (they help with assemblies and masses)  
\- deputy head of house  
\- drama captain (they help with the theatre production that happens every year, and i might get involved this year!)

speaking of drama captain, i’ve never spoken about the festival we have each year!

so each year, it alternates between house music, house dance, and house drama. we have a competition at the end of first term where each house goes against each other performing a song (one choir, three soloist) , a dance (i don’t know this one because this one is next year), and a performance (you pick a script and get the whole house to perform in it.)

this year is house drama!!! i’m pretty sure our drama captain is... uhhh... one sec let me ask junmyeon because he was in charge of picking the new team!!

last year we did house music, so we went to practices and the whole house sung ‘Bohemian Rhapsody’ and we had three soloists: onew who used to be third year, (he was amazing???), jinhwan who’s really small but he hAS SOME LUNGS MAN!!! he was also great! and in first year donghun who seems really cool but i haven’t spoken to him properly yet?? he was also amazing. 

3 amazing singers + amazing choir = first place!!! duHHHH

baekhyun was the soloist for second year ailbhe and it took me every bone in my body not to cheer for him. 

I GOT DISTRACTED!!! 

house drama captain is = jinhwan!!! 

i should find him and ask what production we are doing because i wanna be involved!!

anyways, back to the point i was talking about....

i applied for mentor, and i should find out tomorrow who my group is and how many and i’ll try to meet with them!!!

jongin and i spent the rest of the night organising our folders so we are ready for this year coming up. 

ughhhh, i should stop writing i’m procrastinating doing work... NOT THIS YEAR!!! i’ll be a good child and do all my work!

and i kinda wanna cuddle jongin so i have to stop!!!

bye bye diary,

oh sehun.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry i haven’t been able to reply to your comments ;-; i’ve decided once i’m up to date, it’ll be easier for me to reply to you all!!!
> 
> thank you for all the lovely comments hehe!


	257. 11th September 2018

dear diary,

so.... i got my mentees!!!

as i was one of the only guys who volunteered, i got seven first years!!! 

i met with them after school today before i went to work and i’m gonna write down their names and their subjects so i remember!

OH!!! i also asked how things are so far and if they need any help!

 

na jaemin  
\- first year   
\- very tall wtf  
\- birthday: august 13th  
\- subjects: philosophy, PE, maths and theatre studies 

park jisung  
\- first year   
\- ALSO VERY TALL??  
\- birthday: february 5th  
\- subjects: music, PE, english and maths

lee jeno   
\- first year   
\- still tall  
\- birthday: april 23rd  
\- subjects: english, maths, psychology (a new course which sucks because i would’ve totally done this) and philosophy.

mark lee  
\- first year   
\- he’s from canada so his english is very good  
\- birthday: august 2nd  
\- subjects: science, maths, english and history 

zhong chenle   
\- first year   
\- he is loud as fuck?? and they’ve nicknamed him dolphin boy and i don’t know why  
\- birthday: november 22nd   
\- subjects: PE, psychology, philosophy and history 

lee donghyuck  
\- first year   
\- he’s such a good singer?? he kept singing so i told him to get involved in house drama   
\- birthday: june 6th  
\- subjects: music, history, english and theatre studies

huang renjun  
\- first year   
\- also an alien enthusiast   
\- birthday: march 23rd  
\- subjects: english, psychology, ethics and philosophy. 

most of them do the same subjects as each other, or do the same as me!! so very excited to have my own group to look after aHHHH!!!

mark was actually in my year last year, but he went back a year to chance his subjects so he’s in first year again. kyungsoo did this too, but last year!!

we decided we will meet in the dance studio for an hour on fridays so we can catch up and if they need any help they can get it!!!

i also had work today and it feels like forever since i’ve seen minho/ worked. it was busy and the only time we got to catch up was when we were cleaning and i said he looked hella buff because he’s got a lot more muscly now?? he said he’s training harder so he can stay in shape and get (the ladies) !!!

what a scandal!

i should go, jongin is calling me and he most likely wants me to come to dance studio (it’s 10pm we are aLSO SCANDALOUS) !!!

oh sehun


	258. 12th September 2018

dear diary,

last night was really cute!!! (even if we got in trouble) 

when i got to the dance room i was first of all surprised when taemin wasn’t there, and sECOND OF ALL!!! jongin had set out a blanket with a bunch of snacks on it and they were all super yummy :(

after we had finished eating, jongin said he wanted to show me a dance to the song ‘dance to this’ by troye sivan and ariana grande. AND IT WAS SO GOOD??? it’s been one of my favourite songs recently and jongin he said was working on it with taemin a lot so that must explain why he’s been hanging out with him more smh. 

i had a very good night but when we were sneaking back we got caught by the school guard and he told us off. 

TODAY!

i met with yixing again and it feels like forever!!!

we did a knowledge test on the stuff i learnt last year and i got 80% so i went over the things i got wrong so i didn’t forget them again. 

i also went to the dance studio with taemin and jongin and they showed me the dance piece they’ve been working on and it’s to ‘send me on my way- the roots’ and it’s so cute and simple because they said they’re dance piece doesn’t have to be too hard to get the full marks.

anyway, i’m going to go because my back hurts and i wanna lay down. 

BYE BYE FOR NOW!!!

oh sehun.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 9000 reads??!!!! thank you everyone!!


	259. 13th September 2018

dear diary,

today i had work with baekhyun and once again it was quiet which was odd on a thursday night so we sat down and cleaned all the pots and cups and baekhyun seemed so much happier and i’m happy that he’s happy so everyone was happy!

when we were walking home we didn’t hold hands like we normally do because ‘i’m dating jongin’ and baekhyun said i couldn’t cheat and we both giggled and then for some reason i kinda confessed to baekhyun that i was scared that this would end badly, and baekhyun said he’s scared too but he knows my heart will make right decision for me?

why does everyone leave it up to my heart? because if i left it to my heart i’d date both, but i couldn’t because i’m sure baekhyun and jongin can only ever see each other as friends, and they wouldn’t like it. and its selfish!!! i need to think with my head.

baekhyun went quiet and it sounded like he was going to cry and he said he felt like his feelings for me are stronger than my feelings are for him and he’s only hanging on because he wants a chance. he asked me if he realised how much i liked him and i could only nod. 

i don’t know diary, i’m fucking this up right?

both of them will be hurt. and i won’t be able to take it. 

i told baekhyun my feelings are strong for him, but they are also strong for jongin. i said sorry too, and he just laughed sadly and said ‘sometimes your cute little brain doesn’t know what’s best for you.’ 

and i agree. 

jesus fucking christ??? can’t i have a easy life?

baekhyun said something like “i’ve just got to hang in there right? i think i’m losing grip” and it really hurt my heart, i don’t want to hurt either of them. and it’s exactly what i’m doing.

the more time i spend dating, kissing and liking jongin, the more i like him. and i think it’ll be the same with baekhyun. 

i should’ve said no to this. 

when i got home jongin had made me dinner and he even asked kyungsoo for help, and it made my heart melt a little. 

i don’t want to hurt anyone. 

in more positive news,

mingyu gave his first speech today and it was really nice! he introduced the team and himself and he’s like a mini (but taller) version of junmyeon, i think he would be proud!

i should go, jongin wants me to start watching american horror story with him.

oh sehun.


	260. 14th September 2018

dear diary,

today, was my last day of dating jongin. 

a week goes fast when you’re fake dating someone?

i feel like we did lots and i never wrote it down, but i thought that this week would show if i liked baekhyun or jongin more, and instead it’s only heightened my feelings for jongin, and i know it’s going to happen with baekhyun too. 

ALSO!!! THE FIRST WEEKEND OF TERM IS 

HERE!!!

i had my meeting with my mentee babies and it was super great!! we made a group chat and they all seem to be getting along super well AHHHHHH!!

as there is seven of them, and they are all in corbinian, they are all on the same corridor and share rooms!! minus mark, who’s with a boy called felix who’s apparently Australian, they said that he hangs round with the ailbhe boys more but he’s still super cool. i gotta meet him because i think Australian accents are cOOL!

AND MARK IS IN MY OLD ROOM!!! he said that he likes the wall colour and the rest of the boys are jealous as they haven’t painted their walls. 

when we had finished, i took the boys to their first pe lesson (if they had PE) and on the way out of his PE lesson was jongin! so i dropped off my children and jongin and i headed to the second year kitchen in an attempt to make pizza (and we almost burnt the pizza and the kitchen BY ACCIDENT!!)

jongin said it was our last day dating and asked if it had made my decision any easier and i told him that we only added kissing and extra cuddles and hand holding and he laughed and said it’s because i’m basically dating baekhyun and him anyway, minus the kissing. 

i thought its kinda true and i wish it wasn’t, maybe that’s why my feelings are all muddled. 

i cooked a pizza for baekhyun because it’s been sometime since all three of us hung out and when he got here he seemed worried so i sat close to him and jongin followed because i want us to GET ALONG!!!

i know it’s hard for them both, and i’ve put them in a hard situation, but i don’t want to lose them. 

jongin got all weird and he held my hand and i saw baekhyun got funny too so i just sat on my hands because i didn’t know what to do and both of them laughed at me and said how am i meant to eat my pizza with no hands and i don’t know what possessed me to embarrass myself so hard but i just leant forward and tried to eat my pizza with my mouth and instead i just face planted into the pizza.

it made them laugh and from then on they seemed to not too... tense???

jongin ate the pepperoni that got stuck to my forehead and baekhyun ate one which was on my cheek, and for the rest of the night they kept calling me sehunoni :( i’ll atTACK!!!

baekhyun walked us to our room and ended up coming in, and we ended up pushing our beds together and watched american horror story again!!!

baekhyun said he’s watched it 100 times so he already knew what was happening. 

i’m happy things are fixed, because right now as i’m writing this, jongin and baekhyun are cuddled against each other and every couple minutes or so they poke me somewhere to hurry up, and now they are doing it more because they know IT’s ANNOYINg ME

IF I WRITE TOMORROW AND JONGIN AND BAEKHYUN ARE DEAD... it wasn’t me. 

oh sehun.


	261. 15th September 2018

dear diary,

today was great oh my god!

i’ll start from the beginning. 

i woke up and i was expecting to see jongin and baekhyun but i only saw baekhyun, and he was cuddled into me and he looked super cute so that made me happy. 

when baekhyun woke up i asked where jongin went, and he said he went to the dance studio. 

then i realised me and baekhyun had started to date and i was like ... hi and he laughed and he said he had to leave to get ready for our date and i was like what date? and turns out WE WERE GOING ON A DATE?

i got ready and baekhyun knocked at the door and he had one of the flowers like the one i put in his hair ( the ones as my background) and he said it was plastic so there would be no way i could kill it. 

when we went out baekhyunnie refused to let me pay for anything whiCH SUCked!!! we went to hyde park and it was chilly so i let baekhyun wear my coat, and we bought pancakes and i got one with nutella and bananas, and baekhyun got one with strawberries and cream. 

we visited lots of different places in london but when we were on our way home on the train, baekhyun suddenly pulled me off the train at a random stop and i was shook but baekhyun seemed to know what he was doing so i just followed him. 

we ended up at the london eye (which is like a huge ferris wheel) and when we got to the top we could see all of london and it’s so pretty??? i used to be scared of heights when i was younger but i’m glad i’m not otherwise i wouldn’t of been able to see that view. 

baekhyun held onto to my hand and asked to kiss me and i nodded, and we kissed and he’s just soft :((

i think the difference between jongin and baekhyun is, i kiss jongin a lot, where as i kiss baekhyun once or twice. baekhyun and i only kissed once today, but it was a nice kiss!!

not saying that jongins kisses arent nice, because they are also LOVELY!! but the point is... i kiss jongin more than baekhyun. 

when i got home jongin asked how my day was and i was all mushy and soft because i dunno, baekhyun makes me gooey. 

it hurt my heart though because when he walked me to my door, baekhyun said he didn’t want the date to end and he pouted. he’s a little baby. so cute. 

i think i’m extra sensitive to my cute boy because i’ve eaten to much sugar today (thank you baekhyun, and now jongin who’s got about 29 packets of skittles) and even now jongin is just sitting there and i’ve spilt my softness everywhere :((

i need help. 

i can’t decide. 

oh sehun.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry i haven’t uploaded in a while!! i’ve been super busy with school work and i prioritised it :(( i’ll be here spamming chapters at the weekend to quench your sebaekai thirst and angst!!!


	262. 16th September 2018

dear diary,

sooooo... chanyeol came home today.

i’ll explain my day in order. 

today we went to taemin and jungwoos room to play mario kart and baekhyun texted and asked if he could come along and ofc he can because he’s our friend too. 

DUH!

we started playing but kyungsoo texted me and said chanyeol was just finishing unpacking and if i wanted to see him i could. 

as baekhyun was koala hugging me from behind, (so like... i was sitting on the edge of the bed and baekhyun had his legs wrapped around me from behind and his arms too, and he rested his head on my shoulder), and because he could see my phone he was shocked and asked if i wanted to see him and i said that he needs us to help him. 

i know baekhyun doesn’t need to be friends with chanyeol because those two have history, and it would be understandable if he didn’t want to be friends with him, but baekhyun said that he wanted to come too so he knows i’m safe. 

so we left and headed to chanyeols dorm room. 

when we got there kyungsoo was hanging up chanyeols clothes and when we asked where chanyeol was he came out of the toilet and he looked so different?

chanyeol used to have brown hair, and he always looked skinny and sickly, and pale. but now he’s got black natural hair, and he must be going to the gym because he’s bulked up a lot, and he’s got chubby cheek and he’s more muscly than skinny. he looks healthy now.

he looked worried so i hugged him and asked how his summer was, and he hugged me back and kept saying sorry and i saw kyungsoo come from behind and he put his hand on chanyeol’s back and ugh, kyungsoo is just the softest. 

i told him he shouldn’t say sorry anymore because we all need to move on, and he nodded and said he’s going to move on too. 

we all sat down in chanyeols room, and he’s lucky because he’s a third year so his room is big already, and as he’s staying alone in his room (because his mother’s request) his room is extra big. 

he told us how he’s been seeing a therapist to deal with his anger issues and depression, and his therapist thinks that his anger is based on his father leaving his and his mum. he said he’s feeling much better though, because he wants to fix his wrongs. 

baekhyun didn’t say much the whole time but he was holding my hand in his lap and was rubbing his thumb on the back of my hand so he was very comforting. i did my best to comfort him too but he kept smiling at me and kept mouthing for me to concentrate. 

it got late so we eventually left and when i got off the elevator baekhyun kissed me and said goodbye and :(( he’s soft. 

when i got home jongin asked for cuddles and i said i couldn’t give them to him because baekhyun didn’t try to cuddle him when it was jongins week, so we should respect baekhyun. 

he didn’t seem happy with that but he knew i was right, so he said that he would wrestle with me instead and we were ‘fighting’ and rolling around for about 3 solid minutes until i got so tired i just gave up and got into bed and he kept saying he won but IM THE BIGGER PERSON SO HE CAN HUSH UP!!!

anyways, i’m still tired so i’m going to go... BYE!!!

oh sehun.


	263. 17th September 2018

dear diary,

SCHOOL WAS SUPER HECTIC TODAY UGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

ten and i were actually suffering all the way through class and it sucked a whOLE BUTT!!!

i’m super tired but i want to see baekhyun today so he’s coming over for cuddles and american horror story; and we invited jongin but he’s going to taemin’s instead. 

 

update !! baekhyun is here and he caught me writing in my diary and he said he wanted to write a message in here and he promised he wouldn’t read anything. 

 

HI MY BABY!

I promise I won’t read anything but i’m going to write a little cute thing for you because cute people deserve cute things. 

I’m like the modern Shakespeare what the fuck. 

I don’t know if you swear in this so sorry ;)

BUT HEY! You need to stop cuddling into my so i can actually write this? Your nose is tickling my belly and it’s annoying :p 

IM JOKING!

I need to write a message now haha. 

You are great, you’re adorable, You’re tall. That’s a triple threat. 

I dunno what to write, it seemed like a good idea to write in here but now i’m here and I don’t know what to say!!! AHHH A MESS!!!

Okay i think you’ve fallen asleep so you suck. AND YOU FELL ASLEEP RIGHT ON TOP OF ME. SO YOU REMEMBER. AND ITS NOT EVEN LIKE A NORMAL SEHUN CUDDLE. You’re literally half way down the bed, and your head is on my belly and you’re hugging my legs. You dork. 

You look cuddly so i’m going to try to pull you up and cuddle you back. 

Sleep well my Sehunnie,

Baekhyun.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i’m sorry i haven’t updated in so long :(( i’ll try to spam some updates this weekend?


	264. 18th September 2018

dear diary,

today i had work and minho asked about how dating jongin was and i was like IT WAS GREAT!!! and he asked how dating baekhyun was and i was like GREAT!!! again. 

minho and baekhyun work together sometimes and he told me to be excited about thursday night... i spent the rest of the shift trying to find out what he meant but he wouldn’t tell me. 

EVEN WHEN I TRIED TO HUG HIM TO DEATH. 

he didn’t give up. 

baekhyun came and got me from work and we walked him and we held hands and in TOTAL = my heart. 

once i got home i found a note from jongin saying he’s going to stay round taemin’s for tonight and i texted him asking if he was okay but he hasn’t replied yet oof. 

baekhyun said he’s going to sleep over so i’m not alone so i’m going to get ready for bed now so we can go to bed as soon as he is here!!!

bye bye diary,

oh sehun.


	265. 19th September 2018

dear diary,

today baekhyun and i laid in till our lesson before lunch so we got to cuddle forever!!!! 

we put a random film on but we didn’t really concentrate on it because- uhhh how do i describe this??

baekhyun and i were both laying on our sides and we were just being silly. so we were seeing who could lick their own nose and seeing who could wiggle their eyebrows and it was super funny!! 

baekhyun asked me if he could kiss me and i said yes and we kissed (and maybe we kissed with a little tongue) I FEEL SO STUPID AND SILLY WRITING THAT BUT BAEKHYUN KISSES DONT COME TOO OFTEN. 

oof. 

jongin came in after a while and baekkie asked him if he wanted to join and he said no because he can’t stay as he has dancing which sucked butt. 

we haven’t had a three musketeers since forever.

when i had revision today baekhyun wanted to come and yixing said he could so we all revised together!!! more like... uhh... baekhyun koala hugged me from behind as i did my work and doodles on my paper. 

yixing told him off and baekhyun poked his tongue out so they started play fighting and as they were doing that junmyeon called and we all spoke to him!!

he’s still amazing. 

i should go now because i need to sleep, so bye bye!

oh sehun.


	266. 20th September 2018

dear diary,

tonight was.... perfect. 

i headed to work thinking that me and baekhyun would be going out later and when i got there my boss was like ‘why are you here?’ and i said that i work on thursdays... and then minho came out of nowhere (joking he came from the kitchen) and he told me that baekhyun was waiting for me at the train station so i literally RAN to the station and i found baekhyun there with flowers and :((( i was soft. 

we went to the london dungeon and it was really scary but so so soooooo fun!!! i literally enjoyed all of tonight and i can’t believe baekhyun planned it all. 

i think jongin would’ve liked it too but he’s too busy with taemin. 

anyways, we went to wagamama’s and i literally had to force my way to pay because baekhyun wasn’t having it but i took the card machine and paid!!! the waiter looked at us like we were crazy but it’s okay because we kind of are. 

on the way home we kissed a few times and on the last kiss baekhyun sighed and said he didn’t want our date week to end. 

when i got home i couldn’t help but compare baekhyun’s week to jongins week? me and jongin did more things... physically, whereas baekhyun and i did more things which were romantic. 

maybe it’s because jongin is growing a crush on taemin or something, he seemed distracted the whole time. 

he came home about half an hour ago in a bad mood and when i asked what was wrong, he didn’t even reply. 

something must be up. 

i went to his bed and i tried to comfort him but he just turned away and said he was going to sleep.

i’m confused but i’m gonna try my hardest to make him smile again. 

i’m going to sleep now too, so night diary!!

oh sehun.


	267. 21st September 2018

dear diary,

today was... awful. 

my heart feels broken like it was before, when i was with joohyun, except, well i don’t have any right to feel like this?

i’ll explain my day in order so it makes sense in my head.

i had school, then i had a meeting with my children, and then i must’ve left my key somewhere because i couldn’t find it. 

i went to find jongin because i could borrow his key, and i thought he would be in taemin’s room as you know, they’ve been spending a lot of time together.

when i walked in taemin was on jongins lap and they were half naked and... i dunno touching each other? 

they were making out but because they heard me opening the door they both looked at me and jongin looked really shocked, and i think i felt my heart drop into my stomach. 

i felt like i was going to be sick. 

but i had to right to feel like that because he’s not my boyfriend, i don’t fucking own him. 

jongin stood up (which reminded me of the last time i felt this way) and i left the same way as i did when i caught joohyun and chanyeol. without saying anything. 

the pain hurt so much in my chest but jongin never cheated on me, he simply moved on. 

i headed to baekhyun’s room because i don’t know, he normally makes me feel better. and i was an asshole and i started to kiss him like jongin was doing to taemin and i tried to take off my shirt but baekhyun stopped my and wiped the tears i didn’t realise i was crying. 

i used him, didn’t i?

i used him for my own fucking personal reasons, even though baekhyun has been nothing but kind to me. 

i said sorry and i cried even harder because now i’m going to lose baekhyun too. baekhyun hugged me and told me it’s okay but it wasn’t. 

it won’t be once he finds out why i kissed him. 

of course it felt good to kiss him but, my reasoning wasn’t fair. 

and i can’t go on without telling him why i kissed him so roughly and meaninglessly, when all the times he has kissed me has been so soft and kind. 

he gave me this piece of paper so i could vent, and he said i could just stick it into my diary when i go to my dorm. 

i want to cuddle him but i don’t want to hurt him. 

i’m so fucking disgusting. 

why can’t i just not like either of them. 

i’m such a fuck up, i’m greedy and disgusting. 

i hate this.

oh sehun.


	268. 22nd September 2018

dear diary, 

i’m really fucked up.

i went to the shops and somehow got some alcohol and now i’m kinda tipsy. but its okay. 

i can still type. type? i meant write. 

today was a fuck up. 

it makes sense because i’m a fuck up. 

i woke up and i asked baekhyun to promise me not to get mad if i told him why i was upset, and i told him why and i told him how my little shitty gooey ugly heart ached. 

so silly. 

baekhyun hugged me and told me it was okay, and i told him it wasn’t because i fucked him. i used the guy i liked because the other guy i liked was doing shit with some other guy?

ugh. why am i stuck inside a story i didn’t want to be involved in?

i couldn’t even go back to my room and cry because i still don’t have a fREAKING KEY!! how funny is that?

i had to knock on my own door and jongin was there and by this time i had already started my bottle and he kept trying to explain himself but no, if he has feelings for someone else i don’t want to hear about it.

maybe i’ll actually be able to move on? ha ha ha.

who am i trying to kid? 

i can’t move on from my jongin.

i wanted to know why him and taemin were basically fucking each other and jongin said something about it being only sexual??? i can’t remember. 

he said there was no emotions attached.

meaning it was FRIENDS WITH BENEFITS?

was i not good enough for that? am i too annoying and clingy for that?

when i asked why it couldn’t of been me and i started asking why it had to be taemin... i dunno what possessed me but i just kept saying reasons why taemin was better than me and jongin told me to stop comparing myself to him.

i laughed because the guy who was meant to like me told me to not compare myself to the guy he’s sleeping with?

what a joke.

he said he didn’t sleep with him but i don’t believe him. 

silly nini. 

by this time i felt a little more straight thinking because he started shouting at me about the kissing rule and me rejecting him, and i said that i never rejected him because i went out with him for a FUCKING WEEK????

and he had the audacity to mimic me and say he doesn’t want just a week.

fuck him man.

i i don’t uh. 

i can’t be bothered to write.

i told him he made my decision easier and he looked sad but i was angry. 

i can’t get that picture out of my head now. 

he looked like a puppy that was about to cry. 

i think i’m going to cry but it’s only because the alce hol, alcaehol? ALCOHOL! is taking over me. 

he can fuck taemin and i’m sure his cute little fucking face will be happy again, because i wasn’t fucking good enough. was i mr diary?

why do i even write in this shit?

i dunno. 

it feels better not to feel anything at all, than to right- WRITE!

i’m gonna throw this away. 

oh sehun.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> OH NO!!! WE ARE BEING THROWN AWAY!!!


	269. 23rd September 2018

dear diary,

i didn’t throw you away. 

i don’t think i want to be here anymore. 

in this school. i thought my heart had broken yesterday but it seems it has broken more today. 

i’ve sobered up enough now to write but this morning i was still feeling tipsy, so i had asked baekhyun and jongin to meet me in the dance studio to tell them that i was going to pick baekhyun. 

then i said it. 

i can’t remember what happened yesterday, but jongin looked so angry and upset at me, and at the moment i didn’t care but now all i want is for him to be happy again. 

i said the dating thing wouldn’t work out, but things happen. jongin looked mad and he went to say something but baekhyun said something like “i don’t want this to ruin our friendship, i don’t want to lose either of you”, but jongin was just staring at me and then he said something that completely made me sober. 

he said that his dad is pulling him out of school. i mean- they already have. 

i was so shocked, and all the bitterness and tipsyness left my body and i couldn’t talk at all. 

i asked him why he didn’t tell us sooner and he said he tried to tell me last night but i wasn’t listening. 

i don’t remember last night, and i don’t want to remember last night. 

i couldn’t hold it together anymore so i started crying and i walked to jongin and hugged him and i was scared he would reject me but he hugged back and told me to stop crying because there was nothing that any of us could do. 

he says he’s not going back to sk, he’s going to stay somewhere in london. he said he was lucky because his personal assistant had put £20,000 into his bank account so he could survive for a little while, but once his dad found out about what his personal assistant had done he got fired. 

he’s leaving tomorrow. 

my jongin is leaving tomorrow. 

forever?

i haven’t stopped crying and i want to spend this last night properly with him but i can’t stop the tears. 

i’m so fucking selfish. 

all i’ve done is hurt everyone around me. 

i remembered that junmyeon is looking for a third room mate, so i called him and he said jongin can stay with him when he is ready.

i don’t want him to be ready, i don’t want him to leave.

i have no words.

i don’t know how to explain the feeling i have in my chest right now. 

i feel like i can’t breathe. 

this is my last night with jongin as my room mate, so i won’t waste anymore time. 

oh sehun.


	270. 24th September 2018

dear diary,

tonight i will sleep alone for the first time without jongin.

i didn’t go to any of my lessons today as i haven’t really been able to function. 

i’m not hungry, i keep feeling like i’m about to have a panic attack. 

i helped jongin pack and my heart was just breaking the whole time because i’m meant to finish school with jongin. he was meant to be sports captain and i would be head of house. we were meant to pass our exams together. 

jongin won’t be here anymore.

i’m still so mad at myself for taking my anger out on him, i regret it so much and i wish i never did, because i can never take it back. 

i should’ve listened to him because i would’ve had one extra day with him, one extra day with jongin here would’ve made a little difference.

once we finished packing, junmyeon had called and said that they cleared the spare bedroom for jongin, and that once he is there, he will help him look for a job.

the room feels so bare, it doesnt feel like a home anymore. my room with jongin used to feel like a sanctuary where we would both just be here for each other. 

i don’t know this room, i don’t want to be in this room. not without jongin.

i started to cry again and jongin came and sat next to me on the floor and hugged me. 

i kept saying sorry and i thought i was going to have a panic attack but then he kissed me, and i thought the world had paused. 

i wish it did.

we kissed for a long time and it got further and further until we went the furthest we have gone. 

i don’t want to write this in my diary but i don’t want to forget either. 

as i was sitting on top of him i felt myself against him, and then we started rubbing our stuff together and i don’t know the technical terms for it but i know it felt good. 

i wish jongin didn’t leave. 

i wanted to go further because i wanted to be as close as i could be to jongin before he wasn’t here at all, but jongin stopped me and said we shouldn’t have pity sex. 

we got our selfs cleaned up, which wasn’t much as all we did was touch each other. and we spent the last few hours just being with each other, and holding each other. baekhyun had came after his lessons and we spent it together. 

we walked him to the train station and once he turned the corner with his suitcases i couldn’t stop crying. 

my jongin is gone. 

he’s not across the bedroom anymore. 

he won’t be falling asleep at the desk and i won’t have to push the chair to the side of the bed so i could lift him onto the bed and tuck him in. 

i won’t have my best friend here anymore. 

i never realised how much i needed him until he was gone. 

i’m so lonely.

i feel like someone has taken apart of me.

i suppose jongin took apart of me because he became apart of my life. 

i think i like him more than i thought.

but now i can’t like him, because he’s far away, and ive ruined any chance we could have together because i’m such an asshole. 

i’ve spent the whole night texting him and he said he doesn’t like sleeping alone, so we’re going to facetime so we can still sleep with each other and hopefully our phones won’t turn off. 

i can’t be without him diary, i really can’t.

sehun.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i’m not going to lie to you guys, as i was writing this i was crying, because jongin is my favourite character in this fic. 
> 
> i love him so bad and now i’m being evil to him, someone hit me!!!
> 
> i need to find a tissue....
> 
> hope you guys are feeling the angst!!!


	271. 25th September 2018

dear diary,

i didn’t go lessons again, and i didn’t go to work either as baekhyun said he would cover my shift. 

it seems baekhyun and i had different reactions to this; he has being doing everything and i haven’t done anything at all. 

i just feel so empty on the inside, nothing seems to be working. 

baekhyun came over after work and i couldn’t bring myself to do anything with him because i just feel so tired, and all i could do is watch baekhyun as he cleaned the whole room and when he went to make jongins bed i told him to stop and he flinched because it was the first word i had said since he got here. 

he said something and i didn’t hear it and i asked him to say it again but he just started to cry so i stood up and hugged him, and we were both crying because our jongin is not here. 

i’m talking like he is dead but, it’s just not right for him not to be by our sides all the time. 

baekhyun left because he said his room was messy and he didn’t have time to cry over things he couldn’t change, and i tried to sleep but i couldn’t again. 

i continued to text jongin and he seemed upset and i already knew why so i didn’t ask. 

he got to junmyeons safely and he said he’s not too far from school so he should be able to see me lots, and when he said that i started crying again and he said if he hears me cry one more time he would get on the next train and tease me about crying and it made me laugh and i said ‘don’t you realise that’s all i want at the moment, for you to be home?’ 

jongin says i need to move on because it’s hard for him to see baekhyun and i like this. he told me to tell baekhyun to call him because baekhyun’s texts weren’t good enough, so i texted baekhyun to call him. 

before i hung up, jongin said that he had spent the whole day applying for jobs and he hasn’t had any replies yet, but he’s only started so he’s feeling hopeful, and i told him i believe in him. 

i really hope he’s okay. 

i want him back diary, i really do.

oh sehun.


	272. 26th September 2018

dear diary,

i cancelled my tutoring today because yixing reminds me of junmyeon and junmyeon reminds me of jongin, and i don’t want to cry in front of yixing. 

instead i called my mum and and my mum said that i need to stop crying because i need to be here for jongin, and that it’s not always about me. she said baekhyun and the rest of jongins friends are probably hurting just as much as i am and that i need to support them, and support jongin. 

i think i needed my mum to hit me with reality because i haven’t cried that much since our phone call, and i think i’ve been quite productive. 

i made jongins bed, and put my nini teddy on the bed so jongin would be here in spirit, and then i headed to taemin’s room because i needed to clear the air between us. 

i told him that i was sorry for interrupting something personal between him and jongin, and that i still love taemin with all my heart. 

he said it was only sexual, and then he followed that by saying that sometimes he’d have to kick jongin out of the room because he’d talk about me too much. 

he also said that jongin hadn’t been hanging around with anyone the week before he left, and he found out it was because he had been alone in the dance studio crying because he didn’t know how to deal with this.

i’m glad jongin has taemin, because i couldn’t be the best friend he needed me to be because i couldn’t help but see him than more than that. and that would’ve been okay if i didn’t also feel the same for baekhyun. 

but, i don’t regret liking both of them. 

when i got home, i went through my baekhyun letters and found one called ‘open when jongin and you have fallen out’, and i know we haven’t fallen out, but i still wanted to see what it said.

 

 

‘Dear Sehunnie,

What did you do this time? 

IM JOKING!!!

If you’ve opened this, what you need to do right now is find jongin and apologise for what has happened. Period. 

Both of you are a little crazy, and a little childish. You’re both filled with too many emotions, so you’re going to argue. 

This won’t stop the connection that you both have, because as you’re both so similar, things will clash. 

You don’t know how much that boy cares for you Sehun, You really don’t hear half of the things he wants to say to you, Or see half the things he wants to be with you, or do with you. 

So go find him now, Give him the biggest hug you could ever give him because you need to make sure you keep him by your side till you die, You can’t lose a friend like jongin. 

My bet is: Both of you will say sorry and cry, You’ll hug and cuddle and watch a movie. 

It’ll be okay my Sehunnie. Friends argue because they value each other’s opinions most, and that’s why it hurts more. 

You’re the softest and loveliest boy I know, And I know your heart is probably aching right now, So go solve your argument!!!

Sad Sehunnie is not the best Sehunnie, and Sad jongin is not the best Jongin. 

I love you Sehun, and it’ll all be okay.

Baekkie.’

 

 

After reading the letter i did cry, but i’m going to follow the advice my mum and baekhyun gave me. i’m going to support others, and i’m not going to lose jongin. 

i’m going to make this work. 

oh sehun.


	273. 27th September 2018

dear diary,

today i wanted to go to lessons so i could be there for my friends, but it didn’t work out so well because my first lesson was ethics and i had to sit alone because jongin wasn’t in the lesson. 

i tried not to cry, and once the lesson was over i went to the dance studio and did the dance jongin taught me where we did it together. 

it wasn’t the same because i did it alone, but i pretended that he was there so it was as lonely.

baekhyun found me dancing alone and i wanted to continue dancing but he stopped the music and said we had work.

after dancing i felt the same as i did before, empty. 

luckily work was fast and quiet, so we shut early.

baekhyun and i walked home and he followed me into my dorm room and he asked me why i wasn’t doing anything, and i said i couldn’t do anything except move on. baekhyun said something along the lines of “he’s our best friend, he’s been attached to our sides since the start and now he’s just not here’ and i just got tired and angry and i shouted something like “i don’t know what you want me to do? i’m only only seventeen i cant give him a job” and we just stared at each other, and then baekhyun started crying and he walked towards me and i hugged him because i shouldn’t of taken my anger out on him. 

we got into my bed and baekhyun said it was odd that our relationship only works when jongin is around. and i didn’t know how to reply because it’s true. 

baekhyun said that he always used to meet jongin and take him to the second year kitchen to cook for him, because he knew he would avoid dinners and lunch times just so he could dance some more. 

i didn’t know he they did this because they were just as close as i was to the both of them. 

he started crying more and said that he still cooks for two, but now only one portion gets eaten and jongin is alone. 

i said that in some way, jongin held us together and baekhyun nodded, and we laughed sadly because baekhyun said that we were talking as if he was dead. 

we started cuddled for sometime until baekhyun asked if i still have feelings for him, and i didn’t reply but baekhyun said that him and jongin were in the dance studio one time and jongin told him he was gay, and he started to cry because he liked two people and couldn’t understand himself or his feelings. 

baekhyun knew one of them was me, but guessed that the other person was taemin. then he said he told jongin he had to decide who he liked more because he couldn’t lead people on, but he only said that because he was mad that jongin didn’t like him. 

i think it’s taken me until this week that all of us were in the same position, but we picked the person that we thought would return our feelings, but i couldn’t decide. 

i’ve let baekhyun use my shower because he’s staying over tonight, but he’s getting out now so i should get going. 

we’re going to call jongin and i don’t want to wait any longer.

oh sehun.


	274. 28th September 2018

dear diary,

today a heck ton happened so i’m gonna write it in order so i don’t miss anything. 

i met with my children today, also known as the boys who i’m mentoring. 

they all seem really happy and get along well so that’s always good!

they asked why they hadn’t seen me in the hallways around school and i told them that jongin moved out so i haven’t been feeling too good. 

when i said it jisung shouted group hug and everyone jumped on me and we all had a big group hug and it cheered me up a lot. 

then when i got back to my dorm room, kyungsoo called and said he and chanyeol was coming over with food and once he came i thanked kyungsoo for cooking and he was like ‘chanyeol actually made this’ and i was so shOOOk because it tasted so good? 

i asked when he learnt how to cook and he said that kyungsoo had been teaching him because of one time they were making dinner together and he mentioned that it’s therapeutic. 

NOW THEY DO IT ALL THE TIME. 

why is kyungsoo such a good person? he seems like he’s helping out chanyeol a lot, so i hope i can be there for the both of them.

we ate the food together and spoke about random things until jongin called me and we all spoke for a bit but i think chanyeol and soo could tell that jongin was sad so they left so he could talk to me. 

jongin seemed really down because he still hasn’t found a job yet, but he said he hasn’t lost hope. i felt so bad for him but there’s nothing i could do :( i even got told off today because in class i was searching up jobs and applying with jongin cv (he sent it to me to proof read it.)

jongin said that i should be jealous of him because he gets to spend all his time with junmyeon when they’re both home. WHICH SUCKS, because HES LITERALLY MY FAVOURITE PERSON IN THE WORLD! jongin said that his cooking and cuddles were great and i was like YOUVE CUDDLED HIM??? and he did some stupid smirk and said all the time....

 

i’m not jealous... 

 

no. 

 

eventually jongin had to go because he had to go have ‘family dinner’ (as junmyeon calls it) with junmyeon and kris. 

it sounds stupid to write but i keep laying on jongins bed once or twice a day because it smells like him and i want him close, but i don’t stay on it too long because i don’t want it to lose its smell. 

that’s weird right?

ugh. 

i’m gonna go.

oh sehun.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i’m sorry my updates are scarce :( i’m currently directing my show and it’s happening this friday! so i’ve been very very busy! 
> 
> after it, i will definitely be up to date!!!
> 
> thank you all for reading~


	275. 29th September 2018

dear diary,

I DUNNO WHAT TO DO!!!!

 

MY HEAD FEELS LIKE ITS SPINNING, SOMEONE CATch meeeee....

 

 

today baekhyun was over and we were just cuddling ~~(and maybe kissing)~~ and I dunno, he's just cute and I could write forever about him but jongin called and he seemed sad so we invited him over!

when he got to the dorms he seemed depressed :( like not in the stupid way that people say it, but he genuinely wasn't like himself. 

baekhyun kinda scooped us both in bed and we cuddled and he just made us feel better. he kissed jongins forehead and it didn't seem unusual, but then I remembered what he said and does that mean he likes jongin too? Im confused by it all and I think I got jealous... and I think baekhyun noticed so he kissed mine too.

 

baekhyun said sorry to jongin for making him decide who he likes, and I said sorry for ignoring his feelings and deciding my feelings.

jongin didn't understand but I said something like "i like baekhyun, and i like you, and baekhyun liked you and me, so... i don’t know where to go from here.”

and they both laughed at me because they are snakes so THEY ARE MEAN??????

 

 

jongin said when he first joined school his feelings were equal between hyunnie and I, but as we lived together he developed them more for me.

 

I asked what we should do and baekhyun mentioned something about a ~~polymer~~  polyamorous relationship and he says its when you date more than one person and jongin and I literally gasped and were like YOU CAN DO THAT?? and baekhyun laughed at us and said  “but only if we all like each other equally, i don’t want all of us to agree to do it but one person feels left out.”

then baekhyun said we should get ready for bed and sleep, so baekhyun is showering whilst jongin is laying in his bed (totally not so it smells like him again shUSH)

 

IM STILL CONFUSED BY EVERYTHING BUT I JUS WANNA CUDDLE MY BUBBIES SO IM GONNA PRETEND TO TURN OFF MY BRAIN ;)

 

night diary.

 

 

oh Sehun

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> to make it clear, they aren't dating!


	276. 30th September 2018

dear diary,

today i feel so much better after our three musketeer cuddle!

we pushed the beds together and it was really warm! it was very nice because i was being sandwiched by my favourite people. 

when we woke up it was just baekhyun and me and baekhyun was sleeping on my chest and :(( he’s so cute. jongin left a note that said he left early to go hunt for some jobs! 

i waited for baekhyun to wake up and i played with his hair because it’s soft and when he woke up the first thing he said was for me to not stop and we just laid there for a bit and it was nice because neither of us were in a rush to do anything and we could just relax after the hectic week we had. 

baekhyun eventually had to leave and i got bored because i knew i had to catch up on all the school work i had, so i procrastinated and opened another letter from baekhyun; “open when you need to know i love you.”

i know i broke the rules and i didn’t really need to know he loved me, but i’m so glad i opened it.

i’ll glue it in now!

 

‘Dear my Sehunnie,

This letter could be really long but i’m going to keep it so it fits on this one page. 

Where do i start when it comes to loving you?

One day you’ll know how i truly feel about you, which sounds scary but it’s not! You just own a lot of my heart because you’re so lovely and kind, and i can’t believe i’ve been this lucky to have you in my life.

Ever since i’ve met you, you’ve made my life whole? i never realised there was a hole in my heart until you filled it. 

you’re my best friend bubs, you’re so freaking lovely??? and kind? and soft? you’re my world. 

This is gonna be too long so should i stop now? Sorry!!

Baekhyun.’

 

 

Ouch.

My heart. 

Oh sehun

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i’ll finally be able to post normal again!!! did you guys miss me!


	277. 1st October 2018

dear diary,

ITS SPOOKY SEASON DIARY!!!! 

AND GUESS WHAT OCTOBER BRINGS???  
\- cross country with my favourite people (sounds bad but the day is great!)  
\- HALLOWEEN  
\- HALLOWEEN PRANK WEEK  
\- HALLOWEEN COSTUMES  
\- HALLOWEEN PARTIES (hopefully we have one!)  
\- SWEETS!!!

god too much is happening i can’t wait!

today i went to my lessons and everyone said i looked so much happier and i was like I AM !!!! DUHHHH!!!

we all met up in the dance studio and and we were talking about halloween and stuff and it a boring talk,,, which was weird because halloween is interesting but baek leaned into my side and he rested his head on my shoulder and said he was bored, and that we should go surprise jongin. 

and i asked if we could do that and he just nodded and said that junmyeon already said we could go.

we left and got the train to jongins apartment and from outside it seemED SO SEXY!!! i was jealous. 

we knocked on the door and yifan answered, and he said we had to be quiet because jongin was sleeping.

we snuck into his room and once we were inside, we realised he hadn’t unpacked yet,??? minus like 2 picture frames (one picture was of me and nini, and the other was a picture of all three of us.)

we decided to unpack for him and it was fun!! but jongin woke up half way so we must’ve been loUD. 

he looked confused so we rugby tackled him and gave him lots of hugs !!!

after a while, we had to leave but jongin seemed a lot more happier so that made me happier, and baekhyun seemed happy too!!

on the way home (it was like 1am and WE WERE BOTH FEELING VERY SLEEPY EXCITED??? does that make sense???? like when you’re so past the point of tired that you’re excited and silly??? idk) me and bakehyun were on the train and we were the only ones on it so we were joking round by recreating vines and ugh... i feel so childish for writing this down. 

i was sitting on one of the chairs and baekhyun walked towards me and said ‘if you wanna fight me, then fight me’ (THAT ONE VINE WITH THE GIRL AND THE SPARKLY NECKLACE) and the train stopped so he fell on my lap and.... ugh... i don’t wanna write. he fell and ended up like straddling me, and then we just.. ugh. WE MADE OUT. ON THE TRAIN. AND WE MISSED OUR STOP. SO WE DIDN’T GET IN FOR ANOTHER HALF HOUR. 

ugh. 

fuck. 

baekhyun is just something else, THAT SOUNDS MEAN, FUCK. 

baekhyun has been extra clingy lately and i’m definitely not complaining but, it’s 3am and i’m trying to write my diary quickly at my desk, but he sat on my lap and rested his head on my shoulder and now he’s asleep cuddling me. 

I WANNA GO TO BED. 

but how do you move with a sleeping baekhyun on ur lap???

i gotta go. bye diary!

oh sehun

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> a lil sebaek for all you sebaek shippers


	278. 2nd October 2018

dear diary,

TODAY WAS ANOTHER GREAT DAY!!!

today we found out in assembly that cross country is on the 12th of october (10 days!!!) and house drama is on the 30th of november!!!

when we were in our form rooms, (jungwoo taemin and i all sit at the same table, and there’s an empty chair for the GHOST of jongin sigh) the register sheet for cross country and house drama was passed round and we all signed up!!

today passed by super quickly and at lunch time i called my parents (they were both in the same country for once) and i told them about how my love life is one big mess (i didn’t go into detail, just said that all of us like each other and i dunno what to do about it) and my dad said that THEY BOTH ASKED FOR HIS BLESSING??? separately though. he thinks they really do like me so he says either boy i pick, i will be happy with. 

i wanted to be like YEAH I KNOW DAD, I JUST NEED TO DECIDE. 

mama said i should date one every week day, and the other on the weekend.... my dad thought that was funny and i was like HA HA HA HA HA YOU BLOODY JOKER !!!! 

after i’d finished calling my parents, i headed to work and I MISSED MINHO SO BAD???? he’s becoming such a meme at work i can’t handle it sometimes, but he’s still great. 

we had a big hug and we said he missed me too, and worked passed quickly because we had lots of fun. 

after work i was super tired though because i was up late last night, baek and i tried to wake up on time but we were both really tired and missed morning registration. 

SO IM GONNA SLEEP NOW!!!

and lock my door too, since i’ve had taemin, and jungwoo, and lucas, and KYUNGSOO come into my room tonight without asking and ask for something, LUCAS LITERALLY ASKED IF I HAD A PLASTIC DRUM SET??? ah yes, let me find my plastic drum set under my bed... 

no... i don’t have one. 

night night diary!

oh sehun.


	279. 3rd October 2018

dear diary,

today we found out what production we are doing for house drama!!

drum roll please..... it’s.... BLOOD BROTHERS!!

i cannot tell you how excited i am to do it, i FUCKING LOVE IT.

to summarise the storyline, it’s about a woman who isn’t able to look after her twin boys, so she gives one to a richer family and the boys were never meant to meet, BUT THEY DO!!! and it’s just really cool, AND SAD!!! because at the end they find out they are brothers and they die :( SIGH!!!

i want taemin and jungwoo to be the brothers, BECAUSE... they look like twins, they’re my corbinian best friends, AND, they would be great. DUH!

i wanna go for the main roles but i dunno who, but when auditions happen i’ll just ask them to put me wherever they think would work!!

baek came to my room and and he said that i had to go to yixings revision lesson because ‘you can’t lose anymore brain cells’ and i was like WTF?? so i started to chase him and the next thing i knew, i was following baekhyun into yixings room. 

we didn’t actually revise though, yixing and i spent the time just cuddling and talking about junmyeon and how he missed him. he said that distance strengthened their relationship though, and that he’s always round junmyeon’s apartment at the weekend so it’s okay!

 

 

sorry, wait why am i saying sorry to my diary.

jongin called so i kinda WANTED TO TALK TO HIM FOREVER???

he said he’s feeling a lot better, and that he helped junmyeon buy groceries today so he thought that was fun!

he sounded much happier so i was glad about that, especially because i’m far away so i can’t do much if he is sad. 

i told him to call taemin because taemin said he missed jongin a lot, so he’s probably on the phone with him now. 

 

 

UGH!!!!

i died again because ten called me, he said he needed a pen so he just came to pick one up from me.... why doesn’t he have a pen??? i don’t know. 

i’m gonna sleep now before i get a third call and a fourth and a fifth, and so many i can’t fall asleep!!

oh sehun.


	280. 4th October 2018

dear diary,

today’s lessons were SO boring... like... i dunno what happened all my lessons just seemed to go on forever and i wanted to JUMP OUT THE WINDOW!!

on my way to work i called jongin and GUESS WHAT!!!! he has a trail at a dance studio tomorrow for teaching dance and IM SUPER EXCITED FOR HIM, AND HES SUPER EXCITED TOO!!

if he gets this job, things will really look up for jongin, since this is what he wants to do. 

GAH IM SO HAPPY!!!

when i got to work i told baek and he said he already KNEW but it’s okay because we still celebrated wooooo!!!

today was good after school, because i got to hang around with baekhyun at work and talk to jongin on the phone.

but nothing else really happened today.... 

sorry for being short!!!

oh sehun.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> we just passed the 900 comment mark!!! thank you everyone!!


	281. 5th October 2018

DEAR DIARY!!!

TODAY WAS GREAT!!

LIFE IS GREAT!!!

jongin had his trial in the dance studio and he said he loved it !!! they assigned him to a group of 4-6 year olds and began his training and he said he’s great at it, and he doesn’t lie!!!

he said the director loved him and he’s really confident he will get the job so i’m super excited!! he said he has to wait till sunday to find out though. 

i’m writing kinda early today but i’ll update more after i’ve gone to my meeting with my children!!!

bye bye for now!

 

 

 

OKAY SO!!!

since i am the best dad, i ordered pizza for all of us and we spoke about our week and we bitched about school and JAEMIN LEGIT ATE SO MUCH PIZZA THAT HE HAD TO LAY DOWN AND UNDO HIS TROUSERS!!

kyungsoo came in half way with yeollie and he was shocked to see us in there and he tried to leave but i dragged him and chanyeol in to eat some of the pizza.

they all seem to love kyungsoo and i was like HOW CAN U NOT????

AND THE BEST NEWS!!!!

jongin called and said he found out early and got the job!!!

he starts Monday and he works most days but he was like I DONT CARE ITS MY DREAM TO TEACH DANCE!! so i guess it’s okay!

he said the director of the dance company said that he will go under training and teaching to get his coaching certificate, so he will coach along side the 4-6 year old group coach!!!

GAH IM SO HAPPY!!

i texted baek and jongin and were going out to celebrate tomorrow woooo!!

i should go since i’m meant to be on a group call with baekhyun and jongin but i’m not paying them attention and jongin is gETTING ANGER!!

oh sehun.


	282. 6th October 2018

dear diary,

so. mark this day in your calendar. this is the happiest i’ve ever been. 

we decided to go to a restaurant and the whole time i was thinking.... is this a date? is this what baekhyunnie was talking about with the polyamorous relationship?

neither of them really classified what we were doing because... we were out to celebrate jongins new job but it’s also a fancy restaurant and ugh... i feel stupid now because i asked if it was a date and baekhyun it could be if i wanted it to be and i did so!!

we sat down and ordered our food and jongin said sorry because on his week of dating me he wish he did more, but he thought he was going to run out of money because of his dad. 

i quickly reassured him it was okay because i know he couldn’t of helped what happened!!

we were walking home by the thames river walk and we ended up sitting on the wall guard thingy which is by the water and literally three seconds later baekhyun jumped off and was like “WAIT!”, and we were really confused and he was like “if we just went on a date, does that mean we are dating?”

and i didn’t know what to say because date = dating but i dunno how polyamorous relationships work and jongin said something like ‘i think so’ and i laughed because it’s silly the other two started laughing and baekhyun said that we could start dating but only if both of us wanted to!!! and i was like OF COURSE!!!

so today, 6th of october, i started dating my best friends. 

i don’t really understand it because does it mean their my boyfriends, or people i’m dating....

really confused. 

BUT!!!!

REALLY HAPPY AT THE SAME TIME!!!

i’ll ask baek more questions about it when i next see him because i don’t wanna be confused and fuck things up.

am i doing this too soon?

it seems all of a sudden to me that baekhyun and jongin like each other too... maybe they didn’t want to tell me!! ugh. feelings. dunno how to control them. 

i don’t know what jongin, baek and i are right now but i’m glad we are all on the same page!!

oh sehun.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so... what do you guys think!!


	283. 7th October 2018

dear diary,

today was an odd but great day!

i woke up and baekhyun was in my bed??? and i don’t even remember him coming in and when he woke up he said that he left his door key somewhere and didn’t know where it was, and he was gonna stay in kibums room (they had to be separated because kibum is head of house and they get their own rooms) and kinky wouldn’t answer the door!!!

he knows i leave my door unlocked so he came into my room and slept here instead. 

he asked to kiss me and it made me laugh and i told him he didn’t need to ask anymore since he is my ‘dating’ person?? i dunno if he is my boyfriend yet, because we have only been on one day yet.

we kissed for a little bit but baekhyun had school work to do so he left to find a grounds keeper to unlock his door.

THEN, i headed to kyungsoos room and told him about last night, and he seemed shocked about them both agreeing and i told him it wasn’t my idea, BUT HE SEEMED HAPPY FOR ME!!!

IT GETS BETTER!

he said since i was being honest, he would be honest too..

he said chanyeol had asked him to go out to dinner last night, but they didn’t call it a date at the time but chanyeol had texted him that ‘he liked the date’ anD MY KYUNGSOO GOT ALL BLUSHY AND I TACKLED HIM WITH CUDDLES AND I UGH...

kyungsoo is too good. 

i asked if he’d like to date chanyeol, and he said he wants to wait till chanyeol is emotionally well because he doesn’t want to add more stress to him, which makes sense.

THEN THE BEST PART OF ALL!!!

kyungsoo’s phone went off and i picked it up and it was chanyeol... with A PINK HEART BY HIS NAME!!!

i have never EVER seen kyungsoo send any emojis before, so i was shook. 

he puT AN EMOJI BY YEOLIE’S NAME!!!

i can’t handle this cuteness. 

chanyeol needs someone like kyungsoo in his life, and i’m glad that he has him. 

ANYWAY, I SHOULD GO!!!

jongin is gonna call me soon and i dont wanna miss a minute of it.

oh sehun


	284. 8th October 2018

dear diary,

today was jongins first day of work and he said it went suuPER well so i was really happy for him. he said he needs to buy more sports clothes because he doesn’t wanna wear the same five outfits every time he goes work. 

ALSO!!

auditions for house drama are this week and first years are on wednesday, second years are on thursday, and third years are on friday!!

i’m nervous but i wanna do our house proud so woop woop!!!

i invited ten and jungwoo over today and they both brought their laptops and... we ended up playing roblox and made accounts... these were our usernames...

‘longchildsehun’  
‘mediumchildjungwoo’  
‘smallchildten’

we played loads of games but we got bored so we just played a thing called a lobby and we said we were playing roblox ironically but i think jungwoo was actually enjoying it, SO SCANDALOUS !!!

i had to stop because i had homework to do, but i didn’t want to be lonely so they stayed in my room till they had to go back to their own and it was nice to have some company!!

i’m super tired and my neck is really hurting??? i haven’t done any dancing in forever so i’m super motivated to go to the dance studio ASAP!!!

i feel like every time i write it gets shorter and shorter.... i promise i do want to write in you diary!!! i just don’t have much time!!

oh sehun


	285. 9th October 2018

dear diary,

today was an okay day!! nothing really happened but work was funny so i’m goNNA GO THROUGH MY DAY!!

in form time today taemin seem really sad so i tried to ask him what was wrong but he just pouted and walked away and jungwoo and i was gonna follow him but we thought he would need time to cool down :(

jungwoo texted me later and said he found taemin cuddling his pooh bear teddy in bed and he still seemed sad so they had a cuddle session and he seemed much happier!!

when i got to work we had a customer who was SUUUUUPER FUNNY because she kept saying that she wanted a blue drink and both me and minho were like.... blue drink??? and we never found out what it meant and she was like FINE!! GET ME SOME WATER!!! 

then when i took her food order, she said she wants the mega burger... with no burger, no lettuce, no onions, no sauce, no tomatoes, and no pickles.... so when i asked if she just wanted the bun she just nodded her head???

THIS WOMAN SPENT £6 ON A FUCKING BUN!!!

BREAD!!!

AND WATER!!!

i was super confused but we just gave her the bun and when she paid i said she could just pay for the bun (which is £1) but she wanTED TO PAY THE FULL £6!!! crazy people

this was the best part of my day.

NOT THE BUN LADY!! the part i’m about to write. 

when i got home, i found baekhyun laying on my bed with my laptop and he had fallen asleep watching american horror story. he was in one of my hoodies and he looked super cute and i wanted to die because my heart was all like HAKDKSKKSKS.

i climbed into bed with him but then i remembered i had to write this so i sat up and he turned round and cuddled into me and i was like ALHDKSKSLSLS again. 

i can’t believe i just wrote out key board spam TWICE!!!

i’m writing now and he’s laying on my lap so i’m gonna go now and cuddle my baby. 

BYE BYE!!!

OH SEHUN!!!


	286. 10th October 2018

dear diary,

...

i feel so dirty writing today. 

today i was distracted the whole day... 

because 

i woke up and baekhyun was laying on top of me... and i could feel like.. this thingy. 

UGH. 

I KNOW ITS NATURAL FOR GUYS TO GET LIKE... HARD IN THE MORNING but it just surprised me. 

i didn’t want to wake him up but i literally could feel his DICK on my stomach and i didn’t know what to do!!!

i know he’s one of my boyfriends but we haven’t even spoken about that stuff :(

when he woke up, he kind of clocked and sat up and kept saying sorry and i didn’t want him to feel bad so i laughed it off and said that’s he’s my boyfriend so it’s not usual and then baekhyun started laughing too, and asked if he could borrow my shower....

the whole time he was in the shower i coULDNT STOP THINKING ABOUT IT ANd i was wondering if like.... he dealt with it ONE WAY... or the other way... 

i couldn’t even concentrate in class because apparently i’m immature and don’t know what bASIC BIOLOGY IS. 

i had to go to revision but yixing could tell i was distracted, so we ordered some pizza (since it was his birthday on sunday) and i told him what was distracting me and he laughed and said it was normal, so i shouldn’t get too worried about it. 

 

IM NOT WORRIED ABOUT IT.

IT JUST SURPRISED ME IS ALL!!!

smh. 

i wanna tell jongin but how do you tell you other boyfriend about this type of situation???

HELP ME!!!

oh sehun


	287. 11th October 2018

dear diary,

today i had auditions!!!

i said i didn’t mind what time i got, so they made me read mickeys part out and i think it went well!! 

we find out on the corbinian wall, which is in the main hall and all the houses have a wall each, ours is yellow and has a drawing of a bear in the middle!!

after auditions i had no lessons so i headed to the multiple purpose shop i got all my room supplies from and got some yellow face paint for jungwoo, taemin and i BECAUSE ITS CROSS COUNTRY TOMORROW!!!

i told baekhyun when i got to work that i got the face paint and he seemed embarrassed and i asked what was wrong and he said sorry again for the ... accident yesterday.

i told him not to worry because he’s my boyfriend and it’s normal!! 

i was still kinda distracted by it today and when i called jongin i was going to tell him but he seemed really tired so we spoke about small things instead!!!

half way through the call, junmyeon ran into the room and stole jongins phone and started shouting down the phone a lot of things and it was super funny!!

he said that he had an epiphany and he doesn’t want to go into science and maths anymore, he wants to teach!!

since his grades are good his university are letting him switch courses to a course where he learns how to teach special education!!

so i’m very excited for him!!

when he gave the phone back to jongin, jongin was asleep on the bed so i hung up and now i’m here writing this!!

i’m super excited for tomorrow so i’m going to try to sleep now!! bye bye!

oh sehun


	288. 12th October 2018

DEAR DIARY,

TODAY WAS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE!!!

IT WAS CROSS COUNTRY AND I GOT WOKEN UP BY BAekhyun jumping on me and trying to paint my face blue so i pushed him off and then he tried to kiss me and then.... somehow he got blue face paint on him... 

i washed my face and i put yellow stripes on my face, and baekhyun did the same to his face but in blue. 

baek was already in his uniform but i had to get changed into my sports uniform and once i did we headed to the halls where our houses were meeting. 

i met jungwoo and taemin to do their face paint and then we headed to the gymnasium to meet the rest of corbinian and mingyu gave a speech and HYPED US ALL!!

after mingyu hyped us he lead us to the coach that was gonna take us to the track for today’s cross country, which was a big park. 

as we share our coach with ailbhe i found baekhyunnie on the bus and sat next to him and we FORMULATED A PLAN TO MAKE US WIN!!!

when we got to the track we all lined up and began to run and baekhyun and i started running at a good pace at the front and then kiBUM came out of nowhere and tried to get passed so him and baekhyun started jokingly fighting but baekHYUN PUSHED HIM ON THE FLOOR AND SHOUTED AT ME to win so i sprinted the last part and I WON!!!

ME!!!

i got 50 house points for corbinian and ive never felt so happy in my life!!’

when everyone had finished the race all the corbinian house celebrated and picked me up and cheered :(((

when we got home all the corbinian house had a celebration party in the sports hall and it was super fun and mingyu said he was really proud of me !!! i even called junmyeon and he screamed down the phone for about 20 minutes about how proud he was of me!!

once i got a little tired of partying, jungwoo and i headed back to our dorm rooms (taemin had already left because he said he felt unwell) and when i got back to my room i found baekhyun....

he was dressed in my sports shirt (which had been washed (i’m guessing by him) so there was no dirt on it) and he was wearing a pair of short shorts and I FELT LIKE ASDFGHJJLL... my plays with mY HEART!!!

he said he wanted to celebrate and this meant making out for ages and then cuddling and watching a movie, and then after we called jongin and now both of them are sleeping (jongin is still on facetime to us) and now i’m writing this. 

GOD!!!

eventful day!!

i’m gonna sleep and cuddle my boyfriend so bye bye!!

oh sehun.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry about the lack of updates!! i’ve been so busy :((


	289. 13th October 2018

dear diary,

today i had a lazy day and it was suuuuper fun because baekhyun and i got to cuddle for most of the day, and THEN ABOUT MIDDAY THE DOOR OPENED AND JONGIN WAS THERE!!!

he surprised us and jumped on the bed so we got to have a cuddle session with all three of us (FINALLY!) and jongin seemed super tired so we all had a nap and once we woke up (again) we updated each other on our lives. 

today was very lazy, but very soft and cute because i got to have both of my boyfriends together (for once!!!) and it was super cute. 

today i noticed that the other two don’t kiss each other much :(( both of them kissed me lots but they don’t kiss each other and i dunno why they don’t kiss each other :((

i’ll ask both of them separately if there is something wrong!!

jongin went home about an hour ago but all of us are going to meet tomorrow to go on anoTHER DATE!!! i’m excited wooo woop!!

baekhyun has gone to his room to get a change of clothes because he was still in my sports clothes... 

speak of the devil and the devil shall appear, he’s just walked into my dorm room in a pair of pink pyjamas... DID HE WALK ROUND THE HALLWAY LIKE THAT??

i have to go now because i wanna cuddle my cute boyfriend !!! bye!!

oh sehun.


	290. 14th October 2018

dear diary,

i just went on my second date hehe.

jongin came to collect us and he said he was outside so i opened the door and i saw him and taemin bump into each other and taemin seemed sad and walked away. maybe he’s still sad about jongin moving away. 

jongin said he found a cute place by his new house that he thought we would like so he took us there and it was a cute diner and IT WAS SO LOVELY!!!

i had a milkshake and burger and chips and it was suuuuper good!!

i noticed again that they didn’t kiss each other again, even when i kissed jongin goodbye, both of them just hugged each other. maybe it’s because they don’t spend as much time as each other as they do with me, so it could make sense if they don’t kiss as much as i kiss them. 

once we finished our meal, baekhyun said we had to go home because we had school tomorrow so we said our goodbyes and jongin said we should text him when we get home safe and it made me all soft and gooey because i dunno, it made me feel cared for!!

when we got home we did as we were told, and baekhyun isn’t sleeping over tonight so i’m cold without him :((

# pray for sehun.

i’m gonna go to bed so night night!!

oh sehun

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i’m almsot at 10,000 reads!! can you believe it!!
> 
> thank you for reading!!


	291. 15th October 2018

dear diary,

today i almost died. 

SO!!! me being the idiot i am, i forgot it was the beginning of spooky prank week, which meant i was VULNERABLE !!!

taemin came running into the room screaming covered in blood and it woke me up and i was reALLY SCARED and he said jungwoo had gone psycho and tried to kill him so we hid in my toilet and jungwoo came running in and ‘’’stabbed’’’ taemin again and i started shouting for help and the both of them started laughing and THEY WERE PRANKING ME!

those evil BITCHES!!!

i was nOT IMPRESSED!!! 

(it was cool though)

they acted great, and maybe that’s why they got the main roles of mickey and eddie for house dram!!! got i’m so excited to see them!!!

i got sammy so i’m super excited to perform with thEM!!!

we have a cast talk sometime this week so i’m super excited!!

blood brothers for the win!!

oh sehun


	292. 16th October 2018

dear diary,

my chest feels achey and now i’m doubting a lot of things.

it started because i asked taemin to come shopping with me to get my prank items for my prank against taemin and i wanted to find out why he’s been so sad recently.

we started off by getting my prank things, and i had decided i was going to dressed up as a girl because i think it’s gonna annoy baekhyun as he would want me to be a sexy boy, NOT GIRL!

i found a maid costume so i bought it and taemin seemed really confused. 

when we got our food i asked what was up recently and he asked what was up between me and baekhyun and i said we were dating, and then he got even more confused and said he thought i was dating jongin and when i said i was dating both he asked me how i could date both. 

i said it just works because we all like each other and taemin didn’t seem too convinced so i got sad, and when i went to work my chest just felt heavy the whole time and minho couldn’t even cheer me up.

when i got home i didn’t even go to my dorm room, i went straight to baekhyuns and cuddled him because i just felt like everything didn’t work anymore because what if baekhyun and jongin don’t like each other? that’s why they don’t kiss right? 

baekhyun asked what was wrong and i asked if our relationship actually works and baekhyun said that we all agreed to date so it does work, and he has a point, but now i’m worried. 

am i being selfish?

baekhyun wanted me to get changed out of my work clothes so i could get comfortable, so now we are in my room and he’s fallen asleep and i wanted to write and get a lil bit of my feelings out, but now all i wanna do is cuddle my baby. 

so i’m going to go now,

oh sehun


	293. 17th October 2018

dear diary,

fuck. 

it sounds totally weird but it’s 3am and i’m in a maids costume, feeling very, very good.

IT SOUNDS REALLY BAD FUCK. 

i’ll start with the PG stuff about today, which was that i had revision with yixing and yixing said that he would be late but i was allowed to chill in his room till he came, so i did what he told me to do and once i sat down on his bed he jumped out of his closet and screamed and it scared the SHIT out of me.

after revision....

fuck... my mums actually gonna kill me if she finds out. 

i texted baekhyun and asked where he was and he said he was on his way home from work, so i decided to dress up in the maids costume and wait for him on his bed. 

the costume came with the dress thingy, a pair of black socks which were kinds see through and came up to my thighs, a hat thingy, and a feather duster. 

when i put it on and looked in the mirror, i looked so skinny, and i didn’t realise how feminine my body is??? i have really big hips and .... (a booty) 

so i waited on the bed... 

and when baekhyun walked in i thought it would be funny to say “house keeping?” and i started to laugh and i was waiting for baekhyun to laugh too but he was just staring at me, and i said his name and he just blinked and i asked if he found it silly as he made his way over to the bed and...

UGH FUCK MAN I CANT BELIEVE IM WRITING THIS.

he asked who else saw me dressed like this so i said something like “no one, taemin saw me buy it, what’s wrong?” and he asked why i look hot in everything and then... i just felt really shy so i looked up to baekhyun and just started kissing me, and like... harder than he ever had before. 

then we were laying on the bed and things were escalating quickly and i felt myself getting... hard... and i felt embarrassed but i couldn’t help but like it??

so.... 

....

....

ugh. 

we ended up like... sucking each other’s... thiNGYS... 

while i was still in the maid costume... 

WHY!!!

baekhyun seemed to really like the costume and every time i looked at his face... ugh... IM NOT WRITING ABOUT IT ANYMORE!!!

WAIT BEFORE I STOP WRITING ABOUT IT!!

every time we did something new, aka getting more intimate like we did, he asked if he could and it made me soft and giggly and UGH IM SO LUCKY TO BE DATING TWO SOFTIES.

okay, now i will stop. 

once we had stopped because we both had uhhh ... came... we laid down and it was quiet and then baekhyun asked “why were you dressed as a maid?”, and i said i wanted to prank him because i thought he wouldn’t like it and he just laughed at me and said if i wanted him not to like it, i should dress up as a hot dog next time. 

SO

fuck.

that happened. 

i got extra embarrassed because i had to run back to my DORM ROOM ABOUT 20 MINS AGO IN THE MAID COSTUME!!

god. 

i’m a mess. 

and now i’ve got baekhyuns face stuck in my head from when he... YOU KNOW DID THE THING, and i can’t sleep, so i’m writing. 

 

UGHHHH I HAVE SCHOOL TOMORROW!!!

oh sehun.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so... this is baekhyun and sehuns first sexy time!!!
> 
> who would’ve thought it would be in a maid costume???


	294. 18th October 2018

dear diary,

 

i don’t know what’s wrong with me... 

i’m so h***y recently. 

WHY DID I CENSOR MY ONE DIARY...

i feel so horny recently, i don’t kNOW WHY!!!

when i woke up i remembered what had happened yesterday and i felt myself getting FUCKING HARD AGAIN cus FUCK and at that moment jongin decided to call and i couldn’t NOT pick up so i picked up and he sounded so hot with hIS MORNING VOICE and oh my god i’m a fucking mess. 

i hate writing about this.

jongin asks what was up because i sounded weird and i said i felt weird and i thought jongin got the point because he hung up and i started you know... dealing with it... and theN HE FACETIMED ME AND NExt thing you know...

we helped each other out, if you get me, mr diary. 

when we finished, i felt so embarrassed so i started apologising and told him i’ve been all over the place recently because i’ve been so horny and jongin just kept laughing and saying that he should start paying more visits and i HAD TO THINK ABOUT REALLY GROSS THINGS AFTER THE PHONE CALL HAD ENDED TO NOT THINK ABOUT JONGIN COMING OVER AND MAKING ME HARD AGAIN.

i hate THIS. 

it got worse because after lessons i went to work and i was a mess the whole time because baekhyun decided to wear HIS SUPER TIGHT JEANS and every time something needed cleaning up he said ‘the maid’ would clean it up... aka ME... 

i kept getting embarrassed and he knew it did and he FUCKING KEPT DOING IT. 

on the way home i couldn’t control myself so i basically picked baekhyun up and pinned him against the wall in some alleyway we have to walk through to get to the station and we started making out and i said it was his fault for making me all riled up at work and baekhyun just laugHED AGAINST MY LIPS AND TOLD ME TO KEEP IT IN MY PANTS BECAUSE WE WERE IN PUBLIC.

1\. I WOULDN’T OF DONE ANYTHING BECAUSE WE WERE IN PUBLIC  
2\. IT WAS HIS FAULT I WAS LIKE THAt anyWAY  
3\. i’m a mess.

a big old fucking mess.

HE DIDNT EVEN STAY OVER TONIGHT so i had to... UGH... deal with my hornYNESS ON MY OWN. 

i recon someone must’ve drugged me. 

i’m never like this, because i get so embarrassed and flustered at the thOUGHT OF EVEN THINKING ABOUT JONGIN AND BAEKHYUN LIKE THIS. 

i’m gonna go cry. 

oh sehun.


	295. 19th October 2018

DEAR DIARY,

TODAY WAS GREAT!!! AND IT WAS THE LAST DAY OF TERM WOOP WOOP!!!

we had our first meeting about house drama and AHHHH IM SO EXCITED!!! we got our scripts so i’m gonna start learning my lines!!

i had to meet with my children today, and to celebrate the last day of school i got pizza and it was suPER FUN!!! 

i think mark and donghyuck are really close, or maybe dating, because they’re really touchy feely n sharing pizza and it reminded me of jongin and i whiCH WAS CUTE!!!

i think jaemin doesn’t like it though because he seemed sad and he left because he didn’t feel well and he’s got a lot of work to do. i don’t think he’s actually unwell, but i think i should wait for him to tell me otherwise he might not tell me at all.

THE DAY GOT BETTER because taemin and i decided to prank jongin, because even though he doesnt go to school anymore... DOESNT MEAN HE GETS TO MISS OUT ON PRANK WEEK!!!

we headed over to the apartment (with junmyeons blessing) and the plan was to dress up like robbers and sneak in, and because we have no brains we decided to say ‘HANDS UP!’ when we saw jongin and then taemin started laughing and said that’s what the police say...

WHY DO I SUCK AT PRANKS???

jongin seemed really confused so we took off our masks and theN HE LOOKED SUPER HAPPY AND LITERALLY RUGBY TACKLED US BOTH AND AAHHHHHHH he’s just so soft. 

taemin seemed much happier so i think he just missed jongin too, i hope they meet more often!!

jongin cooked for us both and he’s actually a great cook??? he’s now an adult i’m sAD!!!

he kissed me and it felt awkward because i don’t wanna be PDA in front of anyone, and because taemin and jongin has a kinda past, it felt extra awkward, BUT ITS OKAY!!!

i think jongin got the hint and he came and ate with us. 

it felt like forever since the three of us hung out and it was GREAT!!!

we left later than we should’ve because it’s half term and wE DO WHAT WE WANT!!!

taemin seemed much happier when we got home and i’m happy he’s happy again. 

i’m gonna sleep now because i’m extra tired!!! 

night night!!

oh sehun

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> IM SORRY I HAVENT UPDATED!!! i’ll try to do some today!!


	296. 20th October 2018

dear diary,

today i really wanted to see kyungsoo because i feel like i never see him anymore, and when i headed over to kyungsoos room and i fOUND THE CUTEST THING IN THE WORLD!!!

i heard laughing so i thought chanyeol might be in there, and I was RIGHT!!! chanyeol and kyungsoo were playing chess on the bed together and i said sorry intruding BECAUSE MY BABY KYUNGSOO was getting all blushy and embarrassed and i couldn’t help but take a picture of them together???

kyungsoo told me to ‘leave or die’ so i chose to LEAVE, and kyungsoo texted me and said he would come over when he’s finished.

when he headed over we spent the whole time talking about kyungsoo for once and AHHHH I LOVE HIM SO MUCH????

we spoke about how chanyeol is getting better, and i asked if he still liked him, and he said “you can’t lose your first love” and when he left it made me think a lot about who i loved first out of my two hot, cute, adorable and LOVELY boyfriends, and i think my first crush was definitely joohyun, but the way kyungsoo talks about chanyeol, i’m sure that baekhyun is my first love. 

in my heart i had feelings for baekhyun, and i didn’t realise my feelings for jongin much later. 

but now i like them both equally!!!

also, my heart was super extra happy today because baekhyun ran into my room with two big bags and jumped onto my bed and was literally straddling me and went “I HAVE FOOD!! LETS CUDDLE, EAT AND WATCH MOVIES!” and how could i say no?

kyungsoo came back because he thought he left his glasses in my room, but baekhyun wrapped him in a blanket and he watched them with us. 

IT WAS SUPER CUTE THOUGH!!! because baekhyun and i were cuddling (more like baekhyun was laying on top of me and literally trying to smother me with kisses without kyungsoo noticing) (he noticed) and when i looked over to kyungsoo he was looking at his phone all lovey dovey AND IM SURE HE WAS TEXTING CHANYEOLLIE!!!

i love him so much, AHHH IM IN SUCH A GOOD MOOD!!!

kyungsoo went back to his dorm room after the movie ended but baekhyun is sleeping over, he’s gone to shower so i’m writing now!!!

 

okay he’s out and he’s wearing one of my shirts and i’m gonna die i NEED TO CUDDLE HIM BYE!!!

oh sehun.


	297. 21st October 2018

dear diary,

god i’m such a mess, i’m writing at like mid day today because i am a M E S S ! 

i woke up in a weird mood again and when i say weird mood i mean... weird. 

i kept thinking about the maid costume and ugh.... fuck. MAN FUCK!

i texted jongin and asked if he wanted to see something i wore for baekhyun and jongin said i should facetime when i have it on, and ugh... i called him in the costume and i said something like ‘i dunno if you’ll like it but baekhyun did’ and jongin said something like ‘and since you want to wear it again, you like it too’. 

...

...

...

we ended up, you know, doing that thing again. 

jongin said i looked cute and hot in a skirt and i was blushing like CRAZY and he said i shouldn’t be blushing since i was the one who called him with it on. 

he had to finish the call because he said taemin was coming over and he didn’t wanna look like a mess in front of him, and LITERALLY TWO SECONDS after i got out of the costume, bAEKHYUN WALKED IN!!

i was all hot and sweaty and blushy still and baekhyun asked what was wrong and i couldn’t even lie to him because it’s baekhyun, so i just like... flailed and sighed and told him i’m too horny and i don’t like it.

baekhyun LAUGHED at me and just kissed me and we ended up just kissing and cuddling on the bed and it was soft and cute, and IT SOUNDS BAD BUT I DIDNT FEEL AS HORNY ANYMORE???

like i felt too soft and happy and gooey on the inside to wanna do anything sexual because baekhyun makes me so happy and i don’t feel like i need to kiss him and do sexual things all the time to show him that i like him. 

IM WRITING EARLY because baekhyun has gone back to his room to get changed (he came down in his pyjamas as if it was acceptable to walk round the school like that?) and we are going out to get some food. 

 

OKAY HES HERE!!!

bye bye diary,

oh sehun!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> AHHH 10,000 READS!!! IM SO HAPPY!!! thank you guys :((


	298. 22nd October 2018

dear diary,

today was meant to be a good day, so why does my heart hurt so much?

i arranged a little date for the three of us and i noticed again that they didn’t kiss or do anything romantic with each other and i dunno, it made me feel icky because i want them to like each other, but they don’t seem to like they said they do. 

after the date when me and baekhyun were on the way home, i asked baekhyun if he likes to kiss jongin and baekhyun kinda seemed awkward and he nodded and said they don’t spent as much time as they do with me, so it’s a little awkward to kiss each other sometimes.

when he said that my heart kind of sunk because i knew it was my fault that they were awkward around each other, and i think baekhyun noticed because when we got home i was still sad so he kinda just led me to the bed and he let me be the small spoon.

he put the phone in front of us and called jongin and we all spoke together and it felt much better than before. they seemed to talk more than i thought, so many i’m just being a little silly :(

when jongin had to go i felt sad because it felt so good to have all of us together, and both of them getting along like i thought they did!!

i’m still feeling sad about it but i’m sure it will get better!

baekhyun has just gone to grab his tooth brush and some pjs to keep in my room forever so he doesn’t have to keep running up to his room to brush his teeth, so i thought i’d write now.

anyways, i should go,

bye bye for now,

oh sehun.


	299. 23rd October 2018

dear diary,

today wasn’t meant to be good because i was going an 11-9 shift today and it’s the worst because tuesdays are always SO SLOW!!!

i took a long shift though because i want more money for christmas presents for my friends as baekhyun said he would be staying home this year for christmas, and jongin definitely will be too. taemin, kyungsoo, chanyeol are also staying for christmas too!!

anyways, i want to have enough money to buy a presents for everyone so i’m working more hours. the shift was going really long as well and i extra missed jongin and baekhyun. 

when my shift was finally over i decided to call jongin as i knew i would be seeing baekhyun when i get home, and jongin seemed sad and when i asked why, he said he misses everyone and being at school. 

when i got home, there was a pillow fort covering most of the floor and from inside of it, baekhyun poked his head out and was like ‘YOURE HOME!’ and i asked how long it took for him to make it and he said it took him an hoUR BUT IT WAS SO CUTE!!!

he had cute pyjamas on too so that made everything extra cute!

when he invited me in, i noticed all the effort he put in because he hung up fairy lights and put his pillows and blanket from his own room inside and my ones also, AND he got my laptop inside so we could watch movies too. 

we laid down and had a little cuddle session while we watched a movie and then baekhyun started kissing my neck like super lazily and i thought it was really cute but... hot???

i’m so soft for him. 

he said i had 5 minutes to write this before he would pull me back into the pillow fort so i’ve gotta go!!!

bye bye,

oh sehun.


	300. 24th October 2018

dear diary,

TODAY WAS A WHOLE ASS MES!!!

when i woke up i went to brush my teeth and i noticed MARKS ON MY NECK!! FROM BAEKHYUN YESTERDAY!!! 

and baekhyun came into the bathroom looking all smug and he cuddled me from behind and rested his head on my shoulder and he could see in the mIRROR THE MARKS AND I SAID “LOOK WHAT YOU DID!” and he didn’t do anything and tried to act all innocent !!! 

evil boy.

i wanted to call my mum today so i wore a turtle neck and when i called her the first thing she said was “WHERES KYUNGSOO? i miss him” WHICH ANNOYED ME BECAUSE IM HER SON!!!

baekhyun and i ran to kyungsoos room and jumped on the bed and he was sleeping so we he woke up he was like IM GONNA KILL YOU! but then he hears mum on the voice and he was like “oh- hi mrs oh” and i had to give my phone to kyungsoo so they could talk. 

eventually we all spoke to her and my mum told baekhyun to take good care of me and i leaned into baekhyun just to be cute and my mum was like NOT IN FRONT OF ME PLEASE!!’ 

and it made me laugh because if leaning on him is bad for my mum, IMAGINE IF SHE FOUND OUT ABOUT THE THINGS I HAD DONE!!! oh my god... the maid costume... 

once the call was over we left kyungsoo alone, and baekhyun went to do homework so i tried to do some too!!

which didn’t turn out too good. 

i’m gonna fall jongin when he finishes work so i’m just waiting now!!

so bye bye diary!!

oh sehun.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> AHHH IM SO SORRY FOR THE LACK OF UPDATES!!!
> 
> i’m almost a month behind again ;-;
> 
> i just wanted to say i’m going to write a new fanfic about business man chanyeol and runaway kyungsoo!!! it’ll probably be about 3 parts long so i hope you guys like it!!


	301. 25th October 2018

dear diary,

why do i have this nervous feeling in my stomach? as if it’s my fate never to have a happy ending?

today i spent all day in bed until i had to work with baekhyun and it was really slow and boring but it was fun because i was with baekhyun and i always have fun with him. 

on the way home is when i started getting this feeling in my stomach. 

i caked jongin so we could all talk together, and baekhyun didn’t really make an effort to talk to him and neither did jongin and it made me wonder if they had an argument, or if they are even happy with me :(

when we got home i asked baekhyun if he was okay and if something happened, but he just said he’s really tired and he wanted to cuddle me, so that’s what we did :(

he’s sleeping right now so i’m writing quickly so i don’t wake him up but i want this feeling to go away,

i don’t want this to end. 

oh sehun.


	302. 26th October 2018

dear diary,

i knew the feeling in my stomach was right, but why did the happy times have to end so early?

today baekhyun and i wanted to lay in so we turned off our alarms, and we woke up around one because jongin walked into the room and at first it made me super happy because jongin was there and maybe he wasn’t arguing with baekhyun after all!!!

but i was wrong.

he looked really sad, and when i asked what’s wrong, jongin said he finished work early and he wanted to visit them but he didn’t really expect us to be like this.

i didn’t understand what he meant so i asked what he meant and he said he felt replaced, and that this used to be our room, not mine and baekhyuns room. 

then he looked inside his old cupboards and i felt awful because i had told baekhyun to leave some of his stuff in there so he didn’t have to run upstairs every time he needed to get changed, and jongin seemed really replaced and said something like “i thought you would be sad when i left.”

and this is when i got kind of angry because i literally couldn’t work without him for ages, and i told him i couldn’t even go to school for a week because he had left and then baekhyun woke up because i spoke a little louder than usual and he asked what was happening and jongin just laughed and said he was going to taemins room. 

it hurts.

i started crying because i don’t understand anything right now, and this hurts even more because jongin left us to see taemin. 

i’ve just been laying in bed all day feeling sorry for myself because i’m so stupid and i don’t understand what’s happening. 

i hate this. 

junmyeon invited all of us over to his place to celebrate halloween tomorrow but i know jongin is gonna be there and i’m sure he won’t want me there now. 

i don’t know how to fix this. 

oh sehun.


	303. 27th October 2018

dear diary,

why did i think things would work out?

i’m just gonna write in the order of how the day went so i can understand myself what happened.

today i kept calling jongin and he wouldn’t pick up, and all i wanted to do was contact him so i ended up staying in bed all day because i was upset about not being able to talk to jongin. 

when baekhyun came to check up on me, i didn’t really wanna talk to anyone and he held onto my chin and literally pulled me to look up to him and told me that jongin is just feeling lonely and he will come to us when he’s ready. 

once baekhyun left, i went to see kyungsoo for help and kyungsoo says i need to see the bigger picture and i didn’t understand, and i wanted to feel happy again so i went to see jungwoo because he makes me happy. 

jungwoo and i got ready into our halloween costumes and he went as rose from titanic and i went as a bad vampire because i wasn’t really in the mood to party but he looked really good. 

baekhyun met us and we all headed over to the party at junmyeons house and when we got there i saw jongin and taemin hanging round and i wish i was taemin, i wish i didn’t make jongin sad. it didn’t feel right.

when i saw jongin on his own, i kind of cornered him and told him i was there for him and he has all rights to he upset, and jongin seemed kinds tipsy because he wasn’t making much sense. 

he said he didn’t like to share.

he said this and tried to walk away, and i held onto his hand and asked what he meant and he just pulled his hand out of my grip and just walked towards taemin again. 

he was slurring and i didn’t understand him, but i definitely heard him say he doesn’t like to share. 

i really fucked up, didn’t i?

i’m going to lose baekhyun and jongin because they don’t love each other, and jongin doesn’t like to share :((

i went home after he said that, and baekhyun tried to follow but i told him to enjoy the party because i feel like i just ruin a lot of things, and he should be allowed to have fun without me ruining it. 

i don’t want to be awake, so i’m just gonna sleep. 

oh sehun.


	304. 28th October 2018

dear diary,

my heart is still aching, i’m really not good at this whole boyfriend thing. 

today is the last day of break and i just feel emotionally drained because jongin is stressing me out. 

i wish he would just talk to me. 

i’ve called him so many times and he didn’t pick up, and it’s driving me insane. 

i need to talk to him. 

as he wouldn’t answer, i went to taemins room and asked if he had spoken to jongin, and he said that there are things he can’t say, but he knows that jongin is tired and upset about being away from me. 

IF HE MISSES ME, THEN WHY CANT HE FUCKING ANSWER????

taemin said he used to feel the same, but towards jongin, but now he’s found a way to see him often so he’s happier. 

i didn’t know what to think so i just thanked him for helping out jongin. 

baekhyun called earlier but he’s just going to tell me that jongin misses us, but it’s not even true, so i didn’t pick up. 

i’m messing things up, i’m messing everything up. 

i want to go back to last year when we were all only friends. 

feelings complicate everything and i don’t want to lose anyone.

oh sehun.


	305. 29th October 2018

dear diary,

today was the first day back at school and i didn’t really wanna see anyone, so i took all the long routes to class out of the buildings so i didn’t bump into anyone, and in class i didn’t sit near anyone because i didn’t want to talk to anyone. 

i saw taemin in form and i avoided him because when i see him i think of jongin and all i’ve been thinking about is jongin and baekhyun and my head hurts. 

when i got home i turned off my phone because i wanted to be alone, but later in the night i heard knocking on my door and honestly, i dreaded to see who was on the other side. 

when i opened it, it was lucas, jungwoo and ten with a ‘spooky basket’ becuase they said they noticed i was sad in school and they wanted to cheer me up.

i started crying because my emotions have been all over the place and they came into my room and i vented everything to them and they cheered me up a lot. 

we watched a movie and then jungwoo and lucas fell asleep cuddled on my bed, and ten right now is cuddled into my side as i write this. 

i want to go to bed but i’m scared i’ll dream about baekhyun and jongin because they’re the only things on my mind at the moment. 

i feel so guilty because i forced them together, right?

they don’t really like each other, and jongin doesn’t like to share. 

fuck. 

i’m just gonna have to deal with it when i’m mentally ready. 

oh sehun.


	306. 30th October 2018

dear diary,

i had another bad day. 

i avoided everyone except jungwoo, lucas and ten today because i didn’t wanna speak to anyone. 

baekhyun came up to me in the hallway today and asked if i was okay and i didn’t know how to answer, so i just nodded and walked away. 

i think if told baekhyun the dilemma going on in my head he would be angry, because id be doubting our relationship.

jongin texted me and said sorry but now i’m in some sort of tangent with our relationship and if it’s gonna work because i don’t think jongin and baekhyun even like each other. 

i wanted us all to like each other, and be happy with each other.

it feels like they both like me but not each other and i hate it.

after work i felt really confused so i’ve just stayed awake, and now it’s 4am and i’m finally tired. 

i think i’m just gonna sleep,

oh sehun.


	307. 31st October 2018

dear diary,

today was emotional. 

 

as today was halloween, instead of going to houses around the neighbourhood, we knock on each other’s dorm rooms and get sweets and it’s normally fun but today i wasn’t in the mood so i went to revision with yixing, and he ended up dragging me out to do it and i wasn’t even dressed up. 

yixing always makes me happy though so i was in a better mood, but as soon as he left for junmyeons house i felt sad again. 

when i got home i started to eat my sweets and was watching movies again and i started crying because apparently i can’t control my emotions.

i wish i knew how to solve my problems.

i heard a knock on the door and i thought it would be jungwoo but it was baekhyun, and i couldn’t avoid him anymore.

i just made my way back to my bed, and he sat at the end, and he asked what he did to make me avoid him. 

and i promise i tired to be strong but when i tried to make words come out i started to cry, and all i could manage to say was “did i make the wrong decision?”, and baekhyun asked what i meant and i didn’t know what to do except cry and i couldn’t speak and he climbed onto my lap and hugged me. 

and it felt so nice to have him close again. 

i wish i didn’t have to push him away, but i do because it’s not fair on him. 

we didn’t really move and he’s sleeping right now in my lap, so it’s really uncomfortable to write but i needed to write. 

i should go now,

oh sehun.


	308. 1st November 2018

dear diary, 

today was emotional... again. 

i’ll start from the beginning as usual. 

 

when i woke up, baekhyun was still cuddled into my side and i had some face paint on the side of my shirt because baekhyun hadn’t wiped his face paint off before bed from where he was dressed as a zombie and had his face paint on for it.

i got up because i now know that he’s a really deep sleeper, and i washed his face with make up wipes and changed his t shirt into one of my hoodies so he wasn’t covered in dry fake blood anymore.

i knew he didn’t have classes till the afternoon so i didn’t wake him, and i went to my own lesson. 

the next time we saw each other was at work and it was awkward because the last time i saw him awake i was crying and i was a big mess and i didn’t want to explain to him why i was crying.

on the way home baekhyun asked if we could walk a different way home, and when we were walking this way i realised we were walking besides the thames walk. 

baekhyun asked if i remembered the day we went to get pizza which came in cool shapes, and i nodded and baekhyun then weirdly told me to get my phone out and to record him. and when i asked why he said i need to have something to listen to when i’m doubting things. 

i’m going to write down what he said because i recorded him as he asked me to:

“is it recording?” (he said this as he walked towards the bank wall which stops people falling into the river) “sehun, when we walked past this bank, you stopped here and made me take photos for you for your instagram. the sunset was going down and at this time, you had your brown hair and you weren’t as tall as you are now. you turned round and suddenly all my feelings for you suddenly made sense. i didn’t realise you would mean this much to me, and honestly, i wouldn’t change it for the world. i don’t know what has been up with you but not being able to talk to you, to hold you close like i always do, it’s been painful.”

and at this point he turned around and faced away from me, and it really made me sad.

 

“this week you’ve given me the cold shoulder and it’s only been a few days and i can feel my heart breaking. sehun, i really like you. you can talk to me, i’m your boyfriend, and i’m here for you, through everything.”

i didn’t want to record after that because baekhyun was just standing there and he looked so vulnerable and he looked like he was about to cry, so i moved to him and pulled him into the tightest hug i could ever give. 

i kept saying sorry because i i wish i was more honest with him, and jongin. 

baekhyun is staying over tonight but he’s in the shower right now. 

i’m going to cover him with kisses and all the loving i can give him because i haven’t been fair.

 

he’s coming out of the shower and i’m gonna help him get dried/dressed/cuddled/kissed etc.

i’ve missed him. 

promise me never to push him away again?

oh sehun.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> we are in november!! finally.... just as december is coming. 
> 
> i hope you guys are enjoying this!!!
> 
> two months left!!


	309. 2nd November 2018

dear diary,

baekhyun and i spent last night together and we kissed n cuddled and it was so cute and soft and i really like byun baekhyun. 

today we had to go school and he had all his uniform in my room except a jumper so i let him borrow one of mine and it was super big and he looked really small.

i’m in a really weird mood because, i feel so happy with baekhyun but i know i have to solve my problem with jongin. 

which is going to be hard.

i called jongin and jongin said he’s busy tonight so if i wanted to talk to him i could meet him tomorrow, which is just going to have to work. 

i had my children meeting today and jaemin didn’t turn up and i asked jeno why he didn’t turn up and he just shrugged his shoulders and said jaemin said he was really tired so couldn’t come. 

i can relate. 

after my peer children thingy i had house drama rehearsals and i dragged them all with me as we needed more extras and it was really fun!!!

we did the first 4 scenes and it was great!! 

although i’m feeling confused about everything, it really lifted my mood. 

i’ve got loads of work to do so i’m gonna go,

bye bye,

oh sehun

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I REFUSE TO BE A MONTH BEHIND!!!


	310. 3rd November 2018

dear diary,

today was awful, i knew my happiness couldn’t last.

i went to jongins apartment and it was really awkward because we haven’t really spoken properly in a while, and i said the last time we saw each other jongin said he didn’t want to share, and i told him it threw me down some mental spiral of doubting our relationship because how is our relationship meant to work without us being able to share our love for each other? 

jongin said the relationship is different to what he imagined it to be, and he feels left out and lonely.

i felt so awful so i crawled into his lap and gave him the biggest hug i could, and i kept saying sorry for leaving him out and jongin said it was okay but it’s really not okay, is it?

we spent the day cuddling, and i asked if i should call baekhyun over and jongin said no because he wanted to be alone with me for a bit. 

i don’t know how to feel about that. 

this is where the day turned for the worst. 

jongin decided to take me home, and when we got to my room baekhyun was waiting for me and they both just awkwardly looked at each other so i just walked passed them both and sat on the bed, and when i looked over to them they were still just glaring at each other and i asked if they remembered when everything worked, when were the three musketeers. i said i wished it was like that now and baekhyun turned to me and said it is like that now, and then jongin laughed and said it hasn’t been like that since the 6th of october. 

my heart dropped, i literally gasped. 

i started crying because that was the day we started to properly date, and i felt like i was going to have a panic attack so i ran out of the room and told them both to stay away from me, and i went to kyungsoos room and he looked after me. 

i want to fix everything.

i want everything to be fixed.

i want everything to go back to normal.

please go back.

oh sehun.


	311. 4th November 2018

dear diary,

i have come to the conclusion that i can’t force the two people i care about most in a relationship when neither of them are happy in it. 

but, i don’t want to lose either of them. 

it’s selfish, i don’t want to break up with them, but i need to not act for my fucking self for once and let them be happy.

jongin isn’t happy anymore, and baekhyun doesn’t deserve to be treated like this. 

i can feel myself slowly losing my feelings whenever we argue because what we have now, is nothing like what i wanted us to end up like. 

it’s all wrong. 

i asked kyungsoo if i was doing the right thing, but he said he can’t tell him an answer because it’s my decision and if he had any right to comment on our relationship he would have done a long time ago.

i texted jungwoo and asked if he could check my room to see if it was empty, because i didn’t want to go in there if jongin or baekhyun was in there, and he said it was clear and that him and taemin were waiting in there to help me out.

i was worried because i didn’t want taemin to judge me, because right now he knows jongin better than i do.

luckily when we got there, we didn’t do any talking. 

they just let me cry and they cuddled me. 

i really needed it.

oh sehun.


	312. 5th November 2018

dear diary,

tonight could of possibly been the worst night of my life. 

today started out okay,

i wanted to stay away from everyone so i ate my lunch in the garden room because no one goes there and that’s my relax place, but baekhyun knows that’s where i go when i want to be alone so he found me. 

he sat down on my lap and kissed my forehead and when i looked up to him he looked like he was about to cry. 

i asked him when did everything go wrong, and he laughed sadly and told me doesn’t know, and i asked if we could fix it and he didn’t reply. 

it hurt but if he replied and lied, i would’ve been more hurt. 

after school we stayed in my room except baekhyun wasn’t as cuddly towards me and didn’t really seem to want to be close to me and i hated it. 

half way through the movie we were watching jongin came in and i was really confused and he said sorry to both of us and said he wants things to work out and he’s willing to try.

i felt really happy at that moment and i had hope, but then he came over to kiss me and it was getting heated and baekhyun tried to get involved but jongin was being possessive and it was more like a fight for territory than kissing because they were fighting for my attention, and clearly weren’t going to try to be with each other. 

my heart couldn’t take it because it was beating out of my chest and i couldn’t breathe so i ran to the bathroom and locked myself in it. 

and then they started to argue.

i started to cry as i could hear both of them arguing about how it’s not working out, and how it never will, and how one always feels left out, and i felt myself getting towards another panic attack because all my worst nightmares were happening behind the door. 

i heard the door slam after about 10 minutes of arguing and i thought they had both left, so i opened the bathroom door to find baekhyun on the other side of the door crying as he sat on the floor. 

i pulled him up onto his feet and took him to jongins bed, and i got into my own because i wanted to be alone to cry.

about half an hour ago, baekhyun got into my bed and asked if he could sleep with me and i said yes because i’m so fucking selfish, and i need him. 

i really need him. 

i should sleep because today has been awful, and i know i can’t fix this, so i need to find a way to end this without losing them both. 

i can’t lose them. 

i can’t lose him. 

oh sehun.


	313. 6th November 2018

dear diary,

today was meant to be a good day, but it wasn’t. 

the sixth is meant to be a great day, but it’s not. 

today was our first month anniversary, but it feels like the exact opposite. 

when i woke up baekhyun was gone and when i tried to call him and jongin they didn’t pick up.

it made me so fucking angry and sad that i just didn’t want to go to lessons, and i spent most of the day on the phone to my mum begging to go home for christmas because i don’t know if i can stay here any longer. 

my mum told me i need to figure out my feelings and i said i didn’t know how to, and she shouted at me and told me to snap out of it because i was being silly.

i just want a big hug from her, and i want to laugh with my dad and joke about with seyoung.

i want to be home. 

i called in sick at work and i spent most of the night with ten, jungwoo and lucas because my boyfriends don’t give a fuck about me anyway, so why should i even try to celebrate with them. 

it’s not like it’s a special day anyway. 

neither of them responded to my texts anyway. 

i wanted to drink some of the alcohol left from junmyeons party but jungwoo wouldn’t let me, so i’m kinda pissed about that. 

i know he’s doing it for a good reason but i’d rather just not do anything anymore. 

oh sehun.


	314. 7th November 2018

dear diary,

i want to go home. 

i didn’t go to lessons today.

i didn’t want to do anything today. 

i stayed for most of the morning until i heard a knock on the door, and i only got up to answer because i thought neither baekhyun or jongin would be there because they didn’t care yesterday so why would they care now?

and they did a pretty fucking great job of ignoring me yesterday so it made sense for them not to care about me today. 

when i opened the door it was baekhyun, and i just laughed and asked why he was here because i called him a hundred time yesterday and he’s a bit late now. 

baekhyun didn’t say anything, so i tried to shut the door but he put his hand on the wall so i couldn’t, and then he pushed me against the wall and started to kiss me and i know i shouldn’t of kissed back, but i just missed him so much and i literally felt like i craved him having that close. 

somehow we made it to my bed and baekhyun was really eager and i wasn’t, and it got to a position where baekhyun was straddling me and kissing me and he didn’t even realise he was crying and that i wasn’t kissing back anymore. 

he starting crying harder and he wasn’t even kissing me anymore, he was just leaning his forehead against mine, and he kept saying my name and then he said something which has made my heart ache since. 

he said ‘i love you’. 

i pulled away and asked what he said, because i wasn’t sure if i heard right, and he looked down at me and cried even harder and i pulled him into a hug but he pushed me off of him and all i could do was watch him cry as he sat on my lap. 

after a while baekhyun got off my lap and said that i needed to go to my revision lesson, and i couldn’t handle it anymore so i left to try and figure out what the fuck just happened. 

i got to yixings and i started crying and asked if i could sleep at his again and he told me to go pack my bag so i could stay for a few days. 

we didn’t do any revision, i just cried.

and i cried while writing this. 

how could baekhyun say he loves me when he’s slowly falling out of my hands?

how could he say that he loves me when all i can feel is my heart breaking?

i don’t know anymore. 

oh sehun.


	315. 8th November 2018

dear diary,

i am writing this on the notes on my phone because i’m going to copy it up into my diary when i get home.

it’s 3:28am n i’m sitting on a bench in hyde park. 

i don’t wanna go back. 

today i didn’t go to my lessons and i already called in sick for work because i didn’t want to go in.

i called jongin and he didn’t pick up, and baekhyun called me but i don’t know what to say.

i camped out in yixings room for most of the day because i can’t handle this anymore. 

i need to make them happy. 

so i need to break up with them both.

they aren’t happy dating me.

i had to find a way to break up with the two people i care about most, because they don’t care about each other. 

for someone reason my fucking dumb head thought the longer i post pone it, the more painful it’ll be, so i headed to baekhyuns room and asked if we could talk. 

we ended up outside on the bench outside our school and started to tell him about how i thougjt our relationship would work with all three of us, n i profited it different in my mind. and bakehyun joked and said it sounded like i was breaking up with him, and i didn’t know what to say because that’s what i was trying to do, and i looked up and my heart broke. 

i don’t think i’ve felt that much pain in my chest before. 

he started crying again and he was babbling and all of a sudden he said “sehun i fucking love you. i’ve tried so hard to belong to you but i’ll never be enough.”

those words have been haunting me since he said it. 

he said he only dated jongin for my sake, and he can tell that jongin and taemin want to be together and i’m stupid if i can’t see that. 

i guess i wasn’t as stupid as i thought... 

i said i didn’t want to hurt anyone anymore and baekhyun just laughed at me and said ‘don’t you realise this is hurting me a thousand times more than anything else could.’

i felt like i couldn’t breathe. 

i was losing him and it was my fault. 

i really can’t lose him. 

i really can’t lose him, i don’t want to. 

i didn’t know what to do, so i ran. 

i’ve been sitting in hyde park for 6 hours and i’ve had to ignore the calls from him. 

i was going to pick up, but he left a voice mail saying “i’ve been let down so much in my life, but i refuse to be let down by you, so pick me please, and pick up the phone.”

 

don’t you understand that i want you baekhyun? don’t you understand that i want nothing more to make sure you never get let down by me? i want to make you happy, but i’m no good for you. 

i’m no good for him diary,

i only know how to hurt.

oh sehun.


	316. 9th November 2018

dear diary,

i’m home now, and i’m really tired, but everything is over now, everything is done. 

i headed to jongins house in the morning to break up with him too so it’s fair, and when jongin answered the door it was like i was seeing a different person...

he looked so skinny and unwell, i didn’t know this jongin. 

i asked if he had been eating and if he was okay, and he just said he wasn’t sleeping well. 

he sat me down and i told him us three can’t work anymore, as a three. 

and when i said that he didn’t really, you know, do anything?

he said he had been waiting for this to happen, and he thought it would hurt less but it didn’t. 

jongin said i need to grow up and pick who i like, because i can’t keep controlling people’s hearts, and then he leant forward and he looked so sad and i thought he was gonna hit me but he just pulled me into a hug and whispered ‘follow your heart, not your head’.

everyone keeps saying i need to follow my heart, but i don’t wanna know what my heart wants, because i think it wants baekhyun and jongin still.

jongin asked if i could stay over and act like everything was normal for a bit, and we just chilled and watched tv and i had no idea what to do.

it hurt my heart but somewhat made it better that we were going back to normal.

i had lost jongin as my boyfriend, but i think he wanted to show me that he wants to be my best friend still. 

i really don’t want to lose jongin, we have been through so much and i’ve been so scared because i don’t see him anymore, and it’s even worse because of all of this, he doesn’t pick up his phone.

i asked if he would start texting and calling me again, and he said he would only if he figures out his heart. 

jongin is being smart for some reason today...

eventually i had to leave because i wanted to cuddle into him, and i know we used to do that as best friends, but it’s all just a little too raw now. 

my relationship with baekhyun and jongin has to be neutral for a while, if they still want to be my friend i guess.

when i got home i texted my peer babies to say i couldn’t come today because i had a cold, but what i should of said is ‘hi guys, i’m emotionally wrecked because i just broke up with both of my boyfriends and best friends so i won’t be coming today as i’ll be crying all night.’

i’m at yixings again because i don’t want to be alone. 

i’m trying not to cuddle him, or be to close to him, because i leech onto people.

i don’t wanna hurt anyone anymore. 

i want them both to stay. 

oh sehun.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> to address the comments on the last chapter!!
> 
> i have read all the comments and i completely understand everyone’s frustrations regarding jongins ‘asshole’ tendency’s and stuff, BUT LEMME EXPLAIN!!!
> 
> before i start, this diary is portraying sehuns deepest and rawest emotions, as any other persons diary would do, so obviously things are going to be heightened as it is from his perspective... and our sehun is very... dramatic. 
> 
> with this, jongin and baekhyuns characters will depend on how sehun sees him, as we do not see the characters through our own eyes, we see them through sehuns!! 
> 
> my jongin (aka the soft baby) has been the person that sehun has inevitably spent the most time with, so of course sehun is going to bitter and more angry towards him when he left, even if he didn’t notice. sehun feels betrayed that he’s been left by sehun, and it’s obvious that he relies on a physical connection too to keep things going. if we were to see this from also jongins point of view, i’m sure people wouldn’t think i’m bullying him hehe, but.... what would be the fun in giving all points of view in the story, when this is sehuns diary?
> 
> i am not portraying jongin as the bad guy, the bully or the thing that ruined the relationship, i am portraying him how sehuns emotions are towards him, so it makes sense for him to write negatively about someone who’s upset him. 
> 
> baekhyun is portrayed more as the lover boy because he stayed, and sehun is emotionally and physically attached to him, so he didn’t feel the loss like he did when jongin left. 
> 
> in my opinion, jongin and sehun have very similar character traits in my story, and although that is perfect to have someone who’s exactly like you, it also leads to arguments, and extreme heightened emotions. 
> 
> i will take everyone’s opinions on board, but please trust me!! i sit down and write plans of every day of sehuns life so when i write the diary updates, it makes sense and flows!!! every character has a redemption arc, and this story ends happily. jongin is my favourite character, so of course i’m going to throw him in the angst pool, no writer gives their favourite character a good time heh.
> 
> trust me!! i’m the writer hehe. 
> 
> i hope you guys are all enjoying this fic, even if it gets a lil frustrating!!


	317. 10th November 2018

dear diary,

i didn’t do much today except cry. 

i miss... it all. 

 

oh sehun.


	318. 11th November 2018

dear diary,

i stayed in bed all day again today but i didn’t really want to see anyone. 

not yet. 

i’m not ready. 

i need to finish crying first. 

oh sehun.


	319. 12th November 2018

dear diary,

today i went to school, and i felt like a mess but i don’t really care anymore. 

i miss baekhyun, and i miss jongin caring about me. 

i asked kyungsoo if i could stay over at his room and he said i could so after lessons i made a bag for kyungsoos room. 

i feel so lonely. 

even hugging kyungsoo makes me lonely because i wish it was baekhyun, i wish i could call jongin. 

i thought about what baekhyun said about taemin and jongin, and i can’t admit but think i see it too. 

i feel so angry that i didn’t see it sooner, i wish i knew jongin liked someone else too. 

oh sehun.


	320. 13th November 2018

dear diary,

i don’t know if i can ever feel properly happy again. 

i went to lessons but i walked the long way so i could avoid everyone, and i even went to work. 

minho seemed worried but i told him not to worry about it, and he let me hug him. 

it wasn’t the same though. 

do you think it’s selfish for me to still want him?

do you think it’s selfish that jongin never mentioned the whole taemin thing? 

i don’t know. 

oh sehun.


	321. 14th November 2018

dear diary,

lessons distracting me from it all today, but as soon as i got to revision yixing made me think about it. 

but i’m glad he did. 

he told me to write baekhyun and jongin’s name at the top of a piece of paper, and divide it in half, and then write all the reasons why i like dating that person. 

when i finished what came to mind at the time, i realised most of jongins were sexual and physical... 

like i liked when we kissed, and when we held hands or did other things.. 

i think it’s because jongin and i didn’t know what to do, and we acted on our sex drive lots, sigh. 

baekhyuns were more gooey and i guess... romantic?

yixing told me i sounded silly when i wrote ‘i like making baekhyun laugh to the point where his eyes close’ because that’s nothing to do with dating, except it is. 

because seeing baekhyun like that makes me really like him more. 

yixing asked if i did the same things with baekhyun that i did with jongin, would i still like jongin? 

i don’t even know the answer because maybe if i did the same things with baekhyun that i did with jongin, would our relationship be anymore special?

that makes no sense. 

i can’t write.

i just feel my feelings for jongin fading, because lots of it was sexual :( and he had taemin too. 

i can’t deny anymore that my feelings are stronger for baekhyun, but i don’t know wether that’s because being with baekhyun is the safe choice, because he’s close and i won’t have to fight for him, and if i genuinely like him. 

AHHH THAT SOUNDS MEAN LET ME REWRITE. 

i think i have a tendency to pick the easier option, like, if i made my mind up about who to date, we wouldn’t be here now. 

i don’t want to make the easy decision anymore, i want to make the right decision. 

even if i do like jongin, he feels trapped with me and baekhyun. 

he doesn’t like to share. 

ugh. 

i don’t know what to do. 

i need to think more. 

oh sehun.


	322. 15th November 2018

dear diary,

i didn’t go to work today because if i see baekhyun i might cry. 

i need time. 

i haven’t seen him in forever and if i do, i think i’ll cave in and just want to hold him close. 

i need to make the right decision. 

i need to figure out what i’m doing with myself before i ruin everything else and hurt them more. 

i can’t hurt him anymore. 

oh sehun.


	323. 16th November 2018

dear diary,

today i realised everything, and now my life makes all the sense. 

i stayed in yixing’s room again to avoid everything, but then i remembered i have my peer babies meeting and i couldn’t let them down again so i met them and it was all okay, but once our little meeting ending jaemin stayed behind and asked if we could talk. 

he told me that he really likes jeno, but he also really likes donghyuck and he didn’t know what to do. 

i told him he should try and figure out his feelings for both of them and he said he already had, and he said that picking jeno means he can’t have donghyuck.

i asked him if donghyuck and mark were a thing, because they were always more cuddly and close with each other compared to the rest at our meetings and he literally groaned and said that he knew and he can’t help but get jealous. 

i helped him find jeno so they could talk about it, and he was in the laundry room and i couldn’t help but earwig while they were talking, and jeno said to jaemin that he knew he liked donghyuck, so he would try to get close to him too. 

jaemin started laughing and said he didn’t want that and then LITERALLY everything clicked. 

i am jaemin, right?

and baekhyun is jeno, and donghyuck is jongin. 

i forced baekhyun to like jongin so he could be with me, i’m awful right?

i feel so evil.

for some reason i got possessed and ran to baekhyuns room and ran in without asking and shouted something like “IM SORRY FOR BEING AN ASSHOLE, IM SORRY FOR MAKING YOU LIKE JONGIN, I’LL MAKE IT UP TO YOU” 

and he looked really confused but before i could embarrass myself anymore i ran out the room and back up to yixings room. 

now i’m going to plan how to sort out my life, which is to make everyone happy, including me. 

i think in my heart, i know what i want, i’m just worried it will be the wrong the decision. 

i don’t wanna hurt him, you know?

i think jongin would be happier with taemin, but then there’s the selfish part of me that wants him to myself. 

i need to stop being selfish. 

oh sehun.


	324. 17th November 2018

dear diary,

things are looking up. 

but i still haven’t learnt my lines for house drama, fuck. 

today taemin came into my room and he seemed really sad, and i kept bugging him to tell me what was wrong, and he told me if he told me it would ruin our friendship. 

i told him keeping secrets ruins relationships more, and that i learnt the hard way.

he said that he’s realised that he liked jongin more than friends, and he thought they were just friends with benefits he’s been feeling miserable since they officially became just friends. 

he started crying and apologising and i didn’t know what to do, so i hugged him and told him it’s okay, and that we broke up so what they do now together is none of my business.

it really hurt to say that, because i’m gonna find it hard to move on from jongin. but i’m trying not to be selfish. 

feelings are just complicated. 

i told him i just want jongin happy, and he wasn’t dating me and baekhyun. i told him that if he can make jongin happy, then he should do is best to get him and make him happier than i ever could. 

then i started crying because i felt like i finally was making a right decision for once, and it felt good to be making others happy. 

then he told me that he’s going to be teaching at the dance company, and that he’s leaving school. 

it came out of nowhere and it really shocked me, and i asked if something happened with him and his parents kicked him out or something like jongin, and he laughed and said that he told his parents he didn’t like school and that he wanted to dance, and teach dance, and they agreed that he could do it. 

i asked where he would be staying, and he said that jongin said they can share his room at junmyeon’s place until they’re old enough to buy their own apartment. 

it was a shock, but taemin said it’s a big shock to him too because he only found out today that this was all possible, and that’s why he wanted to tell me his feelings now as he didn’t want this all to happen if it was going to upset me.

it hurt when he said that, because it just proves i’ve made a lot of things about me. 

when taemin left, i felt really restless because i wanted to talk to jongin about it too, so i called him once i figured out what i wanted to say, and i told him that i’m okay with jongin moving in with taemin, and that it’s okay to move on, and he said he still liked me, and i said “you like the idea of me, because i was closer to you, but you want taemin, you don’t want me anymore.”

and he sighed and said he didn’t like that i became so wise. 

after that we spoke like we normally did, and he said he wanted to see me soon. 

and he also invited me and baekhyun to see his dance groups christmas display which they are working on. 

is this a step in the right direction, or am i just making things worse diary?

god, i hope i’m right.

oh sehun.


	325. 18th November 2018

dear diary,

today was not as eventful as the rest of my days, which is good. 

i asked all my friends to come to my room to help me plan something. 

i don’t even know what to call it, because i want baekhyun, but it’s not fair of me to ask him out after i’ve just broken up with him.

i want him back. 

i know i want him. 

i didn’t even realise how much i wanted him until i couldn’t have him anymore. 

kyungsoo wanted to help so he made a three step plan, which sounds easy but it really isn’t. 

1\. get friends to bring baekhyun to the dance room where i will be, with the type flowers that we liked when we found the flower garden.  
2\. i confess everything and say sorry for messing everything up.   
3\. wait for an answer. 

kyungsoo made it sound really easy but it isn’t. 

i’m really worried.

i don’t even know what to say. 

i was gonna write everything i wanted to say but i don’t even know where to start. 

maybe it will be a ‘in the moment’ thing. 

UGH.

i just wanna cuddle kyungsoo and sleep. 

oh sehun.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hi everyone !! sorry i didn’t post yesterday, i didn’t post out of respect for jonghyun. i’m still very upset about losing him, but now he’s watching over all of us!!!
> 
> originally, jonghyun was going to be sehun’s philosophy tutor, and yixing was meant to be X (yi X ing hehe) but as i started the series on christmas day last year, i felt it would be wrong to include jonghyun. 
> 
> just thought i’d mention this in case you guys wanted to know. 
> 
> thank you for reading


	326. 19th November 2018

dear diary,

i’m feeling sad. 

today started off god, because chanyeol had asked me to hang out, and it’s the first time since the whole incident we would be alone, but i wasn’t scared.

we started off by playing chess, because he wanted to teach me properly how to play because kyungsoo keeps beating him and he wanted to win for once. 

chanyeol asked me to take really good care of baekhyun, because he deserves it. 

and i asked if he still liked baekhyun and he just shook his head and said he likes kyungsoo, and want him only. he said he’s still fond of baekhyun, even if they don’t talk much anymore.

after that the conversation was light hearted, so it felt nice to move pass that. 

my lessons today were okay, i started talking to everyone again and i felt happy because things felt like they were working out. 

but things will only be perfect if baekhyun and jongin are happy.

today started to get sad around lunch time because when we were all eating lunch together, taemin told us all that this would be his last term at school, because he will be dropping out to teach dance.

it all feels so sudden, and i’m not sure how my heart feels about him leaving. 

he will make jongin happy. 

we were all super happy for him, but we were all sad he would be leaving too. 

baekhyun didn’t turn up today for lunch, and it was my first time eating with everyone again so i’m not sure if he was there the other days, but i missed him. 

i hope i’ve made the right decision, and i haven’t fucked things up so much that i can’t fix it. 

oh sehun.


	327. 20th November 2018

dear diary,

my heart is hurting today, and for once i know why.

i was walking to a lesson and i saw baekhyun, and he looked so sad, and he wasn’t with anyone and it really hurt my heart. 

as he walked passed i held onto his wrist, and he just turned round and stared at me, and we were just standing there looking at each other. 

i told him i was sorry, for everything. 

he said sorry too and i asked what for, and he said for letting it happen in the first place. 

he tried to walk away, but he’s always been weaker than me, so i held him and told him to come to my room tonight, so i could talk to him. 

i don’t think i can wait for some big asking out, because it hurt so much to see that. 

he didn’t answer for a bit, but he said that he didn’t want his heart to hurt anymore. 

he didn’t turn up tonight. 

i didn’t expect him to, but it still hurt.

i knew he had work so i waited till after 10, then i thought maybe the trains were slow so he would be late, so i waited till 12, and now it’s 1 am and i’m very tired, so i’m gonna sleep. 

i need to fix this. 

oh sehun.


	328. 21st November 2018

dear diary,

my heart is still aching. 

when i woke up today, baekhyun was in jongin’s bed. it felt so normal to have him close again. 

i didn’t want to make too much noise because i didn’t want to wake him up, but eventually he woke up. 

i dont know when i’ll next have the chance to see him again like this. 

when he woke up he said sorry for coming over, and i told him not to be sorry because it’s my fault. baekhyun said that he was finding it hard to move on when he knows what his heart wants, and it hurts because i know what my heart wants too. 

i told him to wait till saturday, and things will be okay. 

i would’ve asked him there and then but it would’ve seemed like i was only asking him to be my boyfriend again to make him not hate me. 

i need to show how much he really means to me. 

after i told him to wait, he got out of bed and told me he can’t wait any longer, and left. 

i got distracted a lot today by house drama rehearsals, so my heart didn’t hurt as much. 

i haven’t been writing much about house drama, but it’s helping me a lot to be distracted. 

house drama is next week, so i’m hoping i won’t need to be distracted from my sadness by the end of them. 

oh sehun.


	329. 22nd November 2018

dear diary,

today the heart ache continues. 

i had to work with baekhyun, and it was hard to work with him him because we were really busy and we had to talk lots, and i really wanted to talk to him, but he kept avoiding me.

on the way home, he even walked about 10ft in front of me the whole time, so he didn’t have to talk to me. 

i know i can’t be angry because i’m the one who put us in this situation, but i’m still hurt. 

i wish i could fix things, no, i will fix things. 

i will. 

oh sehun.


	330. 23rd November 2018

dear diary,

today i met my peer babies and jaemin and keno seemed happy!!!

so i’m happy those two are happy.

today was the last time i’ll meet with my peer babies, as next friday is house drama and that’s the end of term, meaning we are off from the beginning of december. 

we won’t have any lessons next friday because we watch everyone’s performances, and have fun!!

it feels like the year has gone so quickly, it’s almost been a whole year since i started writing my diary, HOW SCARY!!!

i’m really nervous for tomorrow because i feel in my gut that everything is going to go wrong, and baekhyun will hate me forever. 

only time can tell. 

oh sehun.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i’m gonna spam as much as i can today!!! think of it as an early christmas present hehe


	331. 24th November 2018

dear diary,

today was the most terrifying day of my life. 

i will start from the beginning. 

as i had it all planned out, i was scared one of the steps would fuck up. 

in the dance studio, i set up a bunch of candles on the floor, and some rose petals i bought, and i had the bouquet of flowers (the same flowers baekhyun and i liked at the field thing with flowers.)

it felt like i was standing there forever, and then baekhyun walked in. 

he walked towards me and asked what i was doing. 

and then i started babbling.

i told him i was sorry for not working out my feelings, and for being selfish by dating both of them. 

i told him i should’ve worked out my feelings more, because i would’ve came to the conclusion i liked him more.

i told him i still liked him, a lot, and that i’d do anything to be by his side again. 

the whole time baekhyun didn’t say anything, until the end when he said something like “do you expect me to run around after you and do as you sand please after you’ve hurt me this much?” 

i felt him slowly falling out of my finger tips and i really didn’t want to lose him. 

then i started tearing up, and i said i didn’t know what to expect, and that i just needed him. 

i didn’t know what to think because he was just staring at me, and i got on my knees and begged him for another chance, because i’m so desperate to be by his side again.

i need him. 

he didn’t say anything though, he just turned around and walked away, and out of the room.

i heard the door shut and honestly, my heart fell down into my stomach.

i was crying and i felt like i had lost everything. 

that went on for a little while, until i heard the door open again. 

i thought it would’ve been kyungsoo to come tell me i was an idiot, but when i looked up baekhyun was running towards me and he was crying too, and he literally threw himself at me and we fell onto the floor. 

he was crying in my chest, and i was crying too, and i didn’t know what to do because i didn’t know what this meant. 

he leant up and rested his head on mine, and he said something like “you make it so hard to walk away, i’ve wanted to walk away from you so many times but you keep bringing me back. i’ve wanted to hate you so much, but i can’t help but love you. please don’t hurt me anymore, please don’t hurt me.” 

i wish i could’ve remembered his works verbatim, but that’s the closest i could. 

i kept crying and told him i wouldn’t hurt him anymore, and i’ll do my best to make him happy. 

and then he kissed me. 

and said okay. 

and i was like ???

and he said he said “okay, i’ll date you again.”

my heart came back up into my chest, and i cried more, and baekhyun told me to stop whining, because he’s the only one who should be crying. 

and i tried to stop but i was just so happy i had him back. 

we just sat there for a while with baekhyun in my lap, and with him resting on to my chest. 

i don’t think we needed to do anything more, because i know now that i don’t need to do physical things with baekhyun to show him my feelings towards him. 

that was enough to make him happy, and i know the only thing i want to do now is make him happy. 

we hadn’t been close with each other for some time, so i don’t know how long we sat there.

baekhyun ended up falling asleep though, so i carried him to his room because i didn’t want to rush things or make him stay in my room if he didn’t want to. 

i left a note on the side though that said,

‘baekhyun, i brought you up to your room because you feel asleep in the dance studio. thank you for giving me another chance, your sehun.’

so he didn’t think he teleported up to his room. 

i’m so happy that i’ve been giving this chance. 

i’m hoping this will be the start to the happiness of my life, with baekhyun. 

i’m hoping this will be the end of baekhyuns sadness too, because i’ve caused him a lot of pain, and i will never do that again. 

it’s now 3am, and i’m finally going to bed. 

oh sehun.


	332. 25th November 2018

dear diary,

this morning, because i wanted to surprise baekhyun, kyungsoo helped me make him breakfast. 

i want to do at least one thing a day where i do something for baekhyun to make him extra happy, and i know he really likes cookies, so that’s what kyungsoo helped me bake.

when i got to baekhyuns room, i didn’t realise how messy it was last night, but it was super messy, and he was still sleeping so i cleaned it while i waited for him to wake up. 

while i was cleaning, i found the dairy i bought for baekhyun a while back and it was really thick, and as i went to put it on the desk, a photo of me and him fell out onto the floor. 

it was a picture we took when we were pretending to sleep, and he was cuddled into my chest. 

i completely forgot about the picture till then, but it made me happy to see it.

i didn’t want to go through his diary to put it back, so i placed it on top. 

once baekhyun woke up, i gave him his cookies and told him kyungsoo helped me bake them for him, and for once he seemed really shy?

i sat next to him on the bed and he rested on my side while he ate his cookies, and he seemed to really enjoy them!!!

he’s so cute :(

we didn’t see much of each other today because we both had house drama rehearsals, but i texted him to tell him i hope he had a great day, and then i realised we hadn’t texted since a few weeks ago, and it made me sad. 

BUT THEN HAPPY, because we have each other again. 

i need to call jongin, and tell him what’s happened, so he doesn’t find out form someone else. 

i’ll make sure i do that tonight.

oh sehun.


	333. 26th November 2018

dear diary,

it was the first day back at school since baekhyun officially became my boyfriend, and for some reason, everything seems normal. 

it sounds really silly but it feels like baekhyun and i have just met for the first time again... because he’s so shy now, and because he’s shy it’s making me feel shy and ugh, it feels like my heart is fluttering every time i see him. 

for the first time in a while we ate lunch together, and since kyungsoo didn’t cook for us today we had the school lunch, and baekhyun let me have his desert and it was super cute. 

UGH, MY HEART. 

i don’t know what it is now, but baekhyun is affecting me much more than he used to, and i think it’s because i’ve realised my real feelings for him. 

i feel content. 

about half an hour ago jongin called me, and said he missed talking to me, and he wanted me to go over sometime this week. 

i thought it would as now or never that i should tell him that me and baekhyun are together, and i guess he knows me better than i thought, because he asked if we were, and it surprised me, and he laughed and said he knew it would happen. 

it was a sad laugh though, and i couldn’t help but like... feel sad i guess. 

he told me he still wants to see me anyway, because he misses ‘bro time’. 

we’ve never called it bro time, but i think i need to see it as friend time. not relationship time. 

i’ve never been able to distinguish friendship and relationships well, so i need to start doing that better so i don’t make more messes. 

i said i wouldn’t be able to come over this week, but next week would be good because house drama would be over. 

speaking of house drama... it’s so soon. 

i’m so nervous. 

but!! we’ve done a few costume runs and the more we do it, the more confident i get. 

i should go now, i wanna see jungwoo and lucas for a mario kart tournament. 

bye byeeee,

oh sehun.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> HI EVERYONE!!! i’m really sorry about the lack of updates... i’ve been really unmotivated to write this and it sucks :((
> 
> but!! i’m still writing other five which will be up soon, i’m currently debating which one to post first, but i thought maybe since i know others will read it, the readers could tell me what they would want to read first!!!
> 
> here are the options, i’ll give brief descriptions of them!;
> 
> 1\. the train that led me to you.  
> CHANSOO story. (finally). recently homeless kyungsoo meets chanyeol, a rich record company owner, on a train. chanyeol feels bad for his new aquaintance, so offers him a space in his apartment till he’s back on his feet. (not a sugar daddy fic, but a sugar daddy fic.)
> 
> 2\. good/bad influence  
> YIXING/JONGDAE story. a sequel of my sebaek fic ‘touch, separate’ (https://archiveofourown.org/works/15791397/chapters/36746817). a new found rentboy who still has an innocent side to him meets yixing, a college student in his final year. can chen escape his addiction to drugs and the collar around his neck to be with yixing, or will he subside to chanyeols expectation of him?
> 
> 3\. (has no name yet)   
> BAEKAI story. unfortunately to baekhyun, he runs into his ex at a college party, and in his drunken state he asks a stranger to pretend to be his boyfriend. jongin then becomes baekhyun’s go to person to make his ex jealous, and eventually get over chanyeol.


	334. 27th November 2018

dear diary,

house drama is really tiring me out, but kyungsoo has been feeding me lots of healthy food so i guess it’s okay :(

as taemin and jungwoo have the main roles they are even more tired, so i’m making sure they are okay as much as i can :(

i missed baekhyun a lot today. baekhyun called me after rehearsals and i thought something was wrong, and he said he just wanted to talk because he missed me. 

we stayed on the phone till baekhyun fell asleep, but i still don’t wanna hang up because he looks really cute :( 

(i screenshotted so i could see it forever.)

i should sleep. 

it’s late.

UGH. house drama is killing me.

oh sehun.


	335. 28th November 2018

dear diary,

I 

AM 

STRESSED

OUT. 

i think my head is gonna fall off. 

there is two days till house drama. 

fuuuuuuck. 

there’s also two days till taemin leaves the school, and i dunno how my heart is gonna take that.

house drama rehearsals seem to be going great but i’m scared that the other teams are going to be good :(( what if they’re gooder than us?

i meant better than us. 

i’m tired. 

me and ten wanted a break from house drama, so we hid in a garden room, but literally about a few minutes after we hid in there lucas ran in and said his house captain is chasing after him and he’s angry at him for accidentally breaking a prop with his ‘extremely fucking large hands’ (a quote from the captain apparently)

while we were hiding, we were texting in the group chat about how we’re gonna have a leavers party for taemin on saturday. 

i’m excited!! but, i wish he didn’t have to go. 

i think it’s what’s best for him, but i wish he didn’t have to go. 

when i got home baekhyun called me again and he was saying how he has been painting the backdrop for house drama, and he found it really therapeutic and might start painting more often. 

when he fell asleep i ordered some paints and some art stuff for him, because i want to make him happy. 

fuck.

he’s so cute.

i should call jongin it’s been a while. 

ugh. 

i need sleep. 

oh sehun.

**Works inspired by this one:**

  * [Yixing's Depressed Express. Choo choo!](https://archiveofourown.org/works/16333466) by [Alice_Mad_Hatter](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Alice_Mad_Hatter/pseuds/Alice_Mad_Hatter)




End file.
